9. Renza Mensah
One week later…
I was just a few minutes from Reni’s crib, and I ain’t even gon’ lie, my head wasn’t nowhere near where I was drivin’.
The whole ride, I kept seein’ Sha’Nelle in my mind like that shit between us had just happened five minutes ago instead of a whole week ago.
Then the way I had her in that room, the way she was cryin’ and moanin’ and sayin’ whatever the fuck I needed her to say while my dick was deep in her…
I knew I almost had her. I felt it, and it wasn’t no guessin’ shit either.
I knew the difference between a bitch just talkin’ and a woman givin’ in, and Sha’Nelle had gave me everything in that moment.
She was sayin’ she was gon’ stay. She promised a nigga she wasn’t goin’ nowhere and sayin’ she was mine… and I believed her. That’s the crazy part.
I believed that shit so much, I ain’t even think about nothin’ else until my damn phone rang and Reni name lit up on the screen like she had perfect fuckin’ timin’.
That one damn call flipped the whole night on its head, and next thing I knew me and ‘Nelle was goin’ back and forth, sayin’ shit we both probably ain’t mean, and her walkin’ out like we ain’t just made love.
That shit took us right back to square one, but, I still wasn’t tryna let that shit go.
I had been on her ass all week; callin’, textin’ and not givin’ a fuck about if that nigga was sittin’ next to her.
If he heard my voice, good. I wanted that nigga to know the woman he had feelin’s for was in love with a whole other nigga.
I told her already what it was, and I wasn’t changin’ that shit for nobody.
Yeah, ‘Nelle kept textin’ me tellin’ me to leave that nigga out of it, and that just made me laugh every time I read it.
Muthafuckas thought I was supposed to respect a nigga that was walkin’ around with my woman.
Man, fuck him…
I had already said as I got what I needed on him, I was on his ass, and that’s just what it was.
But at the same time, I ain’t forget what I told Reni…
I had promised her I was gon’ bring her them herbs from my mama, and I had been bullshittin’ on that for a week straight. She still told me to come through though, so I slid over real quick to drop that shit off and be done with it.
Soon as I pulled up, I grabbed the bag out the passenger seat and got out. I walked up to her door, and outta habit my hand almost went straight to my key like I still lived here five days out the week. That made me pause for a second ‘cause that was dead now. I knocked instead.
A few seconds later, the door opened, and when I saw Reni, I ain’t even move right away. She looked real good.
Her skin was clear and glowin’ like she had been takin’ care of herself, and her hair was pressed down her back, and laid the way I always use to like it.
Them green eyes locked on me, and for a second, it took me back to when that used to be enough to pull me all the way in without me even thinkin’ about it.
But I could still see that all that pretty shit couldn’t hide the fact that she been goin’ through it. You could see it in her eyes if you looked long enough.
I stepped in without sayin’ too much and reached for her, pullin’ her into me. She wrapped her arms around me like she needed that, and I held her for a second, but it ain’t hit the same. My body knew it. My mind knew it. Everything about this moment felt familiar, but it ain’t feel right.
I pulled back and handed her the bag.
“Here,” I said. “I ain’t forget. I just been movin’.”
She took it and smiled a lil’, thankin’ me before settin’ it on the counter. Then she motioned for me to come sit, and I walked over to the couch and dropped down, throwin’ my arm across the top and stretchin’ my leg out in front of me.
She asked me if I wanted somethin’ to drink, and I shook my head.
“Nah, I’m straight. I appreciate it, though,” I told her.
She nodded and moved around the kitchen for a second before comin’ back and sittin’ next to me. For a minute, neither one of us said shit. It wasn’t awkward, but it wasn’t comfortable either. It just was what it was.
I leaned back into the couch, lookin’ around the place like I was remindin’ myself I ain’t belong here no more. Then I felt her lookin’ at me.
When I turned my head, her eyes was already on me, and this time they was glossy. She ain’t even try to hide it. She reached over and grabbed my hand, and the way she held it told me she wasn’t playin’.
“I miss you,” she said.
Reni ain’t never been the type to just say how she felt without some attitude behind it. She either went off or shut down. That’s how we always did shit, so hearin’ her talk like this had me payin’ attention whether I wanted to or not.
“I thought I could do this,” she kept goin’, her thumb rubbin’ over my hand. “I thought I could be straight without you, but I’m not. I miss you bad, Renza.”
I looked at her, and I ain’t interrupt her ‘cause I could tell she had been holdin’ that shit in.
“I wake up and you not there. I go to sleep and you not there. Everything feel off, and I don’t like it,” she said, her voice crackin’ just a lil’. “I don’t like not havin’ you.”
I let out a breath and leaned forward, runnin’ my hand down my face ‘cause I already knew where this was goin’, and I ain’t even have the right words for it.
Then she said some shit that had me sittin’ back again.
“I wish I would’ve kept our baby.”
That right there… That was the type of shit I ain’t even wanna touch.
I had already told this damn woman how I felt about that when it mattered. I told her to keep it. I told her I was gon’ handle everything, and that I wasn’t runnin’ from that shit. I was already preparin’ myself for it.
And she still made her choice…
Now we was sittin’ here talkin’ about what could’ve been like that was gon’ change somethin’.
I rubbed my hands together and looked down for a second before lookin’ back at her.
I ain’t have no speech for that. I ain’t have no “it’s gon’ be okay” for that either. That shit was already done, and we had to just accept it.
She reached for my hand again, holdin’ it tighter this time.
“Can we fix this?” she asked. “I’m willin’ to do what I gotta do. I’ll look at myself. I’ll change whatever I need to change. I just… I don’t wanna be without you no more. This shit hard.”
I looked at her, and I could see she meant that shit. That made it harder ‘cause a part of me wished this was where we was at before everything went left. Before the silence, before the back and forth and before all that shit piled up to where we couldn’t get back right.
I leaned back again and shook my head.
“I ain’t even gon’ lie to you,” I said, keepin’ my voice even. “I’m not in that space right now.”
I ain’t say it harsh or in no way to tear her down, but it was clear enough for her to understand what I meant.
Her face fell, and she ain’t even try to hide it this time. The tears came, and she turned her head, but I had already seen it.
I hated this shit…
I ain’t never liked seein’ Reni or nobody I loved cry, and even now, with everything how it was that shit still did somethin’ to me.
I stood up after a second ‘cause sittin’ here watchin’ this wasn’t doin’ neither one of us no good.
“I’mma get up outta here,” I said.
She stood up too, wipin’ her face quick.
“Can I get a hug?” she asked.
I ain’t even hesitate. I pulled her into me, and this time she held on tighter, like she ain’t wanna let go. I felt her body shakin’ against mine, and my arms tightened around her without me even thinkin’ about it.
For a second, I let myself just be here, but I knew…
I knew my heart wasn’t sittin’ here with her like that no more.
When I finally pulled back, her face was wet, and I ain’t even wanna look at it too long, so I turned and walked out before that shit could sit on me heavier than it already was.
By the time I got back to my whip, I sat for a minute without startin’ it.
I leaned back in the seat and ran my hand over my head, lettin’ everything hit me all at the same time while my thoughts kept jumpin’ from one thing to the next without slowin’ down.
Reni cryin’ in my face was sittin’ on me, and at the same time, I could still hear Sha’Nelle in my ear from that night.
I could still see the way she was movin’ under me and the way she was sayin’ whatever I needed to hear while I was deep in her.
That shit kept runnin’ back to back in my head like it ain’t know where it was supposed to land, and the more I tried not to think about it, the louder it got.
One minute I was thinkin’ about Reni tellin’ me she miss me and lookin’ like she ain’t know how to function without me, and the next minute I was thinkin’ about Sha’Nelle sayin’ she was mine while she was givin’ me everything I wanted, and that pull between both of ‘em had my mind fucked up in a way I couldn’t even ignore.
One minute I was thinkin’ about what I had with Reni for two years, and the history we had.
Then the next minute, I was seein’ Sha’Nelle, hearin’ her voice, and the way we could just kick it and chop it up.
I kept thinkin’ about how her body reacted to me like she ain’t never had nobody else touch her like that.
That shit sat heavier on me in a way I ain’t like. I exhaled slow while my hand tightened around the wheel as I stared straight ahead, tryna make sense of everything that was runnin’ through my head.
As much as I hated seein’ Reni like that, knowin’ she was hurtin’ and feelin’ like she lost me forreal this time, I still couldn’t lie to myself about where I was at with her.
My mind kept driftin’ right back to Sha’Nelle, and it made it real clear to me that whatever I had goin’ on with her wasn’t done, no matter how messy it got or who got caught in the middle of it.
That pull I had toward her wasn’t goin’ nowhere, and I already knew it wasn’t about to.
It was late as hell, and I couldn’t sleep for shit.
Truth was, I wanted some pussy… but not just any pussy. I wanted Sha’Nelle so bad the shit had me in a chokehold, and I couldn’t shake it no matter how hard I tried.