18. Renaissance Harper #4
“I ain’t tell you to ignore nobody,” he answered.
“I’m tellin’ you everybody emergency ain’t gotta become yo’ emergency.
Yo’ sister knew she had a car note. Them people at the salon get paid to handle some shit without callin’ you.
Half yo’ family could’ve sat at that hospital, but they knew you was gon’ do it, so they stayed where they was. ”
I looked down at my hands because he was right, and I hated how easily he saw through the excuses I made for everybody.
“I’m just tired,” I admitted. “I’m tired of always havin’ to be the one who got everything under control.”
The shop got louder for a second, and I heard Renza tell somebody to give him a minute. The noise faded after that, like he had walked away from the rest of them so he could hear me better.
“Then stop actin’ like you got it under control when you don’t,” he said. “Ain’t nobody gon’ know you need help if you keep showin’ up like you don’t.”
“I don’t know how to do that,” I confessed before I could stop myself.
Renza went quiet again, but the silence didn’t make me feel judged. It felt like he was listenin’.
I swallowed and looked up toward my condo windows. “Can you come over tonight?”
The question came out low, but I didn’t take it back.
I heard one of the niggas in the background yell Renza’s name, then laugh about somethin’. Renza said somethin’ back that made everybody get louder before he returned his attention to me.
“I’m handlin’ some shit right now,” he told me. “But I’ll slide through when I leave here.”
Relief moved through my whole body so fast that I had to close my eyes again.
“That’s cool,” I replied, tryna keep my voice normal. “I’m tryna rush you or nothin’. I just don’t wanna be by myself tonight.”
“A’ight,” Renza said. “Go inside and eat somethin’. I’mma call you when I’m headin’ that way.”
“You sure?”
“Reni, I said I’m comin’.”
I smiled a little to myself. “Okay.”
“A’ight. I’mma hit you.”
We ended the call, and for the first time all day, my body didn’t feel as heavy.
I grabbed my purse and work bag before finally gettin’ out the car. Once I made it into my condo, I set everything on the counter and slipped my shoes off near the door.
It felt quiet, but it didn’t feel empty anymore because I knew Renza was comin’.
I opened the refrigerator and pulled out the meat I had planned on cookin’ the next day. I set it on the counter, then reached for the seasonings while thinkin’ about what else I could make with it.
The little burst of energy I had wasn’t because I thought cookin’ one meal was goin’ to bring our relationship back.
I knew it would take more than food and another night together to fix what me and Renza broke.
Still, he answered when I called, and he listened.
And when I told him I didn’t wanna be alone, he said he was comin’.
That gave me enough hope to keep movin’.
Renza had admitted there was somebody else, and I didn’t like that shit at all. Whoever she was probably believed she had found a place in his life while me and him was apart, but she was gon’ have to understand that history didn’t disappear because a few months passed.
I wasn’t about to scream, argue or chase Renza around the island the way I would’ve before. That version of me had already cost too much. This time, I was goin’ to move different.
I was goin’ to show him I could be somebody he wanted to come home to without losin’ myself or turnin’ everything into a fight. I would give him space when he needed it, but I wasn’t disappearing so another woman could have him without knowin’ I was back in the picture.
I washed my hands, rinsed the meat, turned on some music and started cookin’ while waitin’ for the call that would tell me Renza was on his way.
Two hours passed and I had already finished cookin’, took a shower and poured myself a glass of wine, but Renza still hadn’t called or texted to say he was on his way.
I had spent most of the time tryin’ to convince myself that it didn’t mean nothin’. Renza had always been bad with time, even when we was together. That nigga could tell me he was pullin’ up in twenty minutes, then show up two hours later actin’ like clocks was made for everybody except him.
Back then, I would fuss the second he walked through the door, and Renza would laugh, kiss all over my face and ask why I was actin’ like I didn’t know how he moved.
Now shit was different…
I couldn’t blow his phone up or start sendin’ him paragraphs because he was late.
We wasn’t together, and I guess he didn’t owe me the same kind of check-ins he used to give me.
That was the part I kept remindin’ myself of, even though the longer I waited, the harder it got to believe he was still comin’.
I had already showered, lotioned my body and put on a fitted cream lounge set that looked good without makin’ it too obvious that I had dressed for him.
The shorts hugged my hips and stopped high on my thighs, while the top dipped low enough to show a lil’ skin without lookin’ like I was beggin’ for attention.
I had brushed my hair down, touched up my edges and put on some lip gloss, then stood in front of the mirror askin’ myself if I was doin’ too much.
I ended up leavin’ everything the way it was though. If Renza noticed, that was on him.
The food sat covered on the stove. I cooked steak, greens, garlic mashed potatoes and some cornbread because once I started cookin’, I went all the way with it.
I told myself I was makin’ enough to have leftovers for the next couple days, but the truth was I knew Renza liked a real plate.
I didn’t know if he planned on eatin’ when he got here, but I wanted the option there without havin’ to ask him what he wanted and throw somethin’ together at the last minute.
My first glass of wine went down while I finished cleanin’ the kitchen. By the time I poured the second one, I was sittin’ on the couch with one leg folded under me and my phone facedown beside my thigh. I kept lookin’ at it anyway.
Every time the screen lit up, my stomach tightened, but it was never him.
One message came from my sister thankin’ me for the money again.
Another one came from the manager at Renaissance Glam Studio about somebody callin’ off for the next mornin’.
Then some other messages. I didn’t answer none of that shit. For once, everybody could wait.
I brought my glass to my lips and took another drink while lookin’ toward the front door.
The condo was quiet except for the music playin’ low from the speakers near the TV.
I had changed the playlist three times because nothin’ sounded right.
The first one felt too romantic, the second one made it seem like I was tryna set a mood and the third one had so much loud shit on it that it started gettin’ on my nerves.
Now some smooth song played in the background, but I wasn’t even listenin’.
Another twenty minutes passed…
I picked up my phone and opened our messages.
I typed, You still coming?
Then I stared at it. The message looked too eager, so I erased it.
I typed, Where you at?
That sounded like I was checkin’ him, so I erased that too.
By the time the screen went dark, I felt stupid for even sittin’ here rehearsin’ a text message to a nigga I had once basically lived with.
There had been a time when I could call Renza and tell him to bring his ass home without thinkin’ twice.
Now I was scared one wrong message would make him feel like I was already tryin’ to pull him back into the same relationship he said he wasn’t ready for.
I leaned back against the couch and closed my eyes.
Then the bitch he told me about crossed my mind.
I didn’t know who she was or what they had done together.
I didn’t know if Renza was talkin’ to her every day, sleepin’ at her place or makin’ plans with her the same way he used to make them with me.
I tried not to think about it because every time I did, I started imaginin’ some bitch enjoyin’ the version of him I still missed.
Maybe he changed his mind about comin’ here because he was with her…
Maybe she called while he was at his gun shop, and he decided whatever she wanted sounded better than sittin’ in my condo listenin’ to me complain about my life.
I hated that my mind went there so fast. One of the things I had been tryin’ to work on was not turnin’ every silence into the worst possible answer.
Renza had given me no reason to believe he was standin’ me up, but my feelings didn’t care about facts right now.
My chest started achin’ the longer I sat here.
I finished the rest of my wine, set the empty glass on the table and picked up my phone before I could talk myself out of it. My thumb hovered over his name for a second, then I pressed the call button.
The first ring had my heart beatin’ harder. By the second one, I was already regrettin’ the shit.
Renza answered before the third.
“Wussup?” he answered, and the sound of his voice loosened somethin’ inside me.
I sat up straighter on the couch. “Where you at?”
“At the door,” he replied like it was the most normal answer in the world. “Open this muthafucka.”
I blinked and looked toward the front door.
Before I could say anything, a knock landed against it.
“You serious?” I asked even though I was already standin’.
I ended the call and hurried across the living room while tryin’ to keep myself from lookin’ too excited. By the time I reached the door, I had to slow down and take a second because I refused to greet this nigga lookin’ like I had been waitin’ by the window for him. Finally, I opened it.