27. Renza Mensah #2
He knew me well enough to understand I wasn’t lettin’ it go. After another second, he pulled his phone from his back pocket, opened the app and moved through Sha’Nelle’s profile until he found the video.
Kay’Lo held the phone out but kept his eyes on my face. “You sure?”
“Play it.”
The video started with Sha’Nelle standin’ in the middle of some open field surrounded by a bunch of country lookin’ ass Black people dressed in blue. I saw tents, tables and phones lifted everywhere before the camera moved closer.
Then I saw Sha’Nelle. She stood there lookin’ beautiful with her hand in that nigga’s. She looked surprised while he talked to her, but she ain’t pull away. She ain’t stop him when he got down on one knee, and she damn sure ain’t look confused about what was happenin’ once he opened that box.
I watched that nigga ask the woman I loved to marry him.
Then I heard Sha’Nelle say yes…
People screamed around ‘em. Somebody started clappin’ near the camera, and his whole family lost they damn minds like the best thing in the world had just happened.
My chest started burnin’ so bad that I could feel the pain spread down into my stomach. It felt like somebody had reached inside me, wrapped a hand around everything I cared about and squeezed.
That nigga stood up, put a ring on Sha’Nelle’s finger and kissed her while everybody cheered.
I watched the whole thing…
I ain’t blink, look away or hand the phone back until the video ended on Sha’Nelle smilin’ with the ring held up while people crowded around her.
Two weeks ago, I had sat with my cousins and bought a ring for the same woman.
The box was still hidden in my room ‘cause I had been waitin’ to approach her the right way. I had been lookin’ for houses, land and places to build our future while Sha’Nelle had already promised hers to somebody else.
I handed Kay’Lo’s phone back and looked around the bathroom like I still cared about the house.
“Shit,” I said while forcin’ small shrug. “It is what it is.”
Kay’Lo ain’t move. He only stared at me ‘cause he knew that was some bullshit.
“You a’ight?” He asked.
“Yeah,” I answered without lookin’ at him. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Renza.”
“I said I’m straight,” I told him before walkin’ out the bathroom.
I moved down the hallway and headed toward the stairs ‘cause I couldn’t stand in front of him another minute.
Kay’Lo knew me too well. He would see the shit in my face no matter how hard I tried to hide it, and I ain’t want nobody watchin’ me fall apart over no woman.
The whole walk through the house, every room looked different.
The kitchen wasn’t somewhere Sha’Nelle would cook no more. The closet wasn’t hers, the balcony wasn’t ours and the land outside wasn’t where we would build nothin’. It was just another big ass empty house I had wasted my time lookin’ at.
I reached the front door and stepped outside with Kay’Lo behind me. The sun was still out, but I felt cold all over.
“I’m finna go handle some shit,” I told him as we walked toward the cars. “I’mma holla at you later.”
Kay’Lo grabbed my shoulder before I could reach my door and pulled me into a hug. I stood here stiff at first, then slapped my hand against his back ‘cause I knew what he was doin’.
“I got you,” he told me low.
“I know,” I replied. “I’m good.”
He pulled back and studied my face. “You ain’t gotta keep sayin’ that shit to me.”
“I got moves to bust,” I said as I reached for my door handle. “We’ll chop it up later.”
Kay’Lo looked like he wanted to argue, but he finally nodded and let me go.
I got in my whip, started it and pulled away before he had enough time to see somethin’ else. The second I turned off the private road, the pain in my chest got worse, but I tried to drive through it.
I told myself I had been through worse shit than this. I had seen death up close and walked away from situations most niggas wouldn’t survive. Ain’t no way some video of Sha’Nelle sayin’ yes to another nigga was supposed to break me down like this.
Still, I couldn’t get enough air into my chest.
Every red light felt too long, and every sound inside the car irritated me. I turned the music off, but the silence only made the video play louder in my head.
I kept hearin’ her say yes. I kept seein’ that cheap lookin’ ass ring slide on her finger.
My own ring flashed through my mind next. That blue diamond I chose ‘cause it reminded me of her was sittin’ in a box with nobody to wear it.
I had spent almost three months believin’ Sha’Nelle needed time. I thought once I got everything straight, I could stand in front of her, show her the future I had been buildin’, and bring her back where she belonged.
The whole time, she was movin’ deeper into a life with him.
My hands tightened around the wheel while my vision started blurrin’. I blinked hard ‘cause I refused to cry while I was drivin’ down the damn road. I ain’t even know the last time I cried over anything, and I damn sure wasn’t about to start now.
The pain wouldn’t let up, though…
It sat behind my ribs and pressed harder every time I remembered how happy everybody in that video looked. They knew about the proposal. His family had been waitin’ for it, and Sha’Nelle stood there in the middle of all them people while another nigga offered her the same life I was tryna create.
I couldn’t keep drivin’…
I pulled into an empty lot, parked the car and shut the engine off. Then I sat here with both hands still wrapped around the wheel while I stared through the windshield at nothin’.
For the first time since Kay’Lo showed me that video, I stopped tryna lie to myself.
It wasn’t what it was… I wasn’t straight, and I damn sure wasn’t about to go bust no moves.
The woman I loved had agreed to become another man’s wife while I was out here buyin’ rings and lookin’ for somewhere to build our home.
I lowered my head and pressed one hand against my chest, but it ain’t do nothin’ to stop the hurt spreadin’ through me.
I wasn’t all right…
This shit hurt…