14. Sha’nelle Harper
Trill-Land, Jungle Estate
Today, I was leavin’ Trill-Land, and my chest felt so tight that every breath I took felt borrowed.
I had been here damn near two weeks, and Renza still hadn’t called me back. Not even fuckin’ once. Not from his number, not from no private number, not through nobody else.
He had stayed gone from a whole house he lived in just so he wouldn’t have to see me, and every day that passed made the truth sit heavier on me.
At first, I kept tellin’ myself he was mad.
Then I told myself he needed time. Then I told myself if I called from a different number, maybe he would answer before he realized it was me.
After a while, I couldn’t tell if I was holdin’ on to hope or just embarrassin’ myself on an island where everybody knew who he was and nobody was about to give him up to me.
His voicemail was full now. I knew that ’cause I had called so many times that the damn systen couldn’t even give me the option to leave my pain there no more.
It was just full. Full of me, probably, full of my voice, my apologies, my cryin’, my “Renza, please call me back,” my “I just wanna talk,” and every other thing I said when pride stopped matterin’ and hurt took over.
I had walked around Trill-Land with my phone in my hand for I don’t know how fuckin’ long, checkin’ it every few minutes even when I knew it wasn’t gon’ ring.
I had stared at his Instagram until my eyes burned, tryna catch a clue from a story, a background, a plate of food, a street sign or anything that could tell me where he was. I went to places I thought he might be.
That was when I started understandin’ that Renza ain’t just block me from his phone. He had blocked me from his world.
I was standin’ in Pluto’s guest room with my suitcase open on the bed, and the room looked too clean for how messy I felt.
When I first came to Trill-Land, I had a small bag with two outfits, one pair of shoes, my license and a debit card.
That was it. I ain’t plan nothin’ past gettin’ here.
I ain’t think about where I was gon’ stay, how long I was gon’ be gone or what I was gon’ tell Couture when my replies started gettin’ dry and late.
All I knew was Renza had stopped reachin’ for me, and somethin’ inside me panicked so bad that I got on a plane with barely enough shit to make sense.
I loved Pluto for openin’ her door to me, and I loved her even more for finally sittin’ me down a few days ago with that soft voice and those careful eyes, tellin’ me I needed to go home and figure out what I was gon’ do.
She said it with her hand over mine, her face full of that quiet softness she had when she was tryna give you the truth without cuttin’ you with it.
I sat across from her and listened while my throat burned, and for the first time since I landed, I ain’t argue.
I ain’t tell her I needed one more day or that Renza might call.
I ain’t ask her if she thought Renza was ever comin’ back home.
I just nodded ’cause deep down, I had been feelin’ it too.
I felt myself takin’ up space in a house that had a husband, a wife and babies in it.
I felt the weight of my sadness sittin’ in rooms it ain’t belong in, and as bad as I wanted Renza, I knew wantin’ him couldn’t be the only reason I kept refusin’ to leave.
I zipped my suitcase and wiped under my eyes before I could mess up my lashes again.
Downstairs, the house was quiet in that rich people way, where even peace sounded expensive.
The floors shined, the walls smelled clean, and sunlight came through the windows in soft patches that made everything look calm when I felt anything but calm.
I could hear Isley before I saw her, makin’ those sweet baby noises that always had me forgettin’ for a few seconds that my heart was in pieces.
When I walked in the sittin’ room, Pluto was on the couch with Isley in her arms, and the nanny was nearby fixin’ somethin’ in the baby bag.
Pluto looked up at me, and her eyes went to my suitcase before they came back to my face.
“You ready?” she asked.
I wanted to lie so bad. Instead, I shook my head a lil’ and walked over to her. “No, but I gotta be.”
Pluto’s face softened, and she passed Isley to me without sayin’ nothin’ else.
The second I had my godbaby against my chest, my eyes started burnin’ again.
Isley smelled good, all baby lotion and warmth, and she looked up at me with them pretty little eyes while her fingers grabbed at my shirt.
I kissed her cheek, then kissed her other one, and held her close enough that her tiny body tucked right against me.
“I’m gon’ miss you, pretty girl,” I whispered, rubbin’ my hand over her back. “You don’t even know how much you been helpin’ me, do you?”
Isley moved her mouth and made a soft sound, and that almost took me out. I laughed through the tears that had already started fallin’, then rocked her a lil’ while
Then Pluto stood up. The nanny stepped closer, and I kissed Isley one more time before passin’ her over.
Pluto came to me and pulled me into a hug so tight that I had to close my eyes. I held on to her back and tried not to cry harder, but it ain’t work.
I had been fightin’ tears since I woke up.
I cried while I brushed my teeth, cried while I folded my clothes and cried while I checked my flight for the third time.
But this hug made it too damn real. I was really leavin’.
I was really goin’ back to Greystone City with no Renza, no answer and no clue what I was supposed to do with all this love I had nowhere to put.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered against her shoulder. “For stayin’ so long and puttin’ all this on you.”
Pluto rubbed my back. “Sha’Nelle, you good, girl. Just pray on this situation. Ask God to guide your heart and show you what to do next. Not what hurts the least, but what’s right.”
That made tears slide down my face all over again.
I nodded against her and pulled back enough to look at her. “Thank you for lettin’ me stay.”
“You don’t have to thank me for that,” she said, and her voice stayed soft. “Just get home safe. Text me when you land.”
I wiped tears from my eyes and nodded. “I will.”
I wiped my face with my fingers, then grabbed the handle of my suitcase and started toward the front door. Pluto followed behind me, and each step felt heavier than the last.
Outside, one of Pressure’s drivers was already waitin’ beside a black truck with the back door open. The air was warm, and the sun hit my face the second I stepped out, but all I could feel was that ache in my chest.
The driver came forward, took my suitcase from me and lifted it into the trunk while I stood here with my purse on my shoulder, lookin’ back at the mansion.
I hated that I had to leave it. I hated leavin’ ’cause this house was the closest I had been to Renza since he shut me out.
His people was here. His blood was here.
His life was wrapped around this place even with him stayin’ away from it, and part of me felt like once I got in that truck, I was lettin’ the last piece of him slip out of my hands.
I had already lost his voice. I already lost his touch.
Now I was leavin’ the island that held him, and I ain’t know when I would ever be back.
Pluto hugged me one more time beside the truck.
“Call me if you need me,” she said.
“I am,” I told her, even though I knew I had to stop needin’ everybody else to hold me up. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I got into the backseat before I could make it harder than it already was.
The driver closed the door, and I looked through the window as Pluto stood there with her arms folded over herself, watchin’ the truck pull away.
I kept my eyes on her until the driveway curved and I couldn’t see her no more.
Then I turned toward the window and let the tears fall quiet.
The ride to the airport felt longer than it should’ve.
I watched Trill-Land pass by through tinted glass, and every street looked like another place I had failed to find Renza.
I saw restaurants, shops, men standin’ outside buildings, women walkin’ with bags on they arms, kids laughin’ near a fountain, and all of it made my heart hurt worse.
This island had a pulse to it. It had pride in the way the buildings stood, the way people moved, the way everybody seemed to belong to somethin’ bigger than themselves. Renza belonged here.
My phone buzzed in my purse, and I already knew it wasn’t Renza before I looked.
Couture’s name sat on the screen, and my stomach twisted for a whole different reason. I had been answerin’ him with dry texts when I had the energy, and givin’ him just enough to keep him from callin’ everybody and askin’ questions I ain’t wanna answer.
At this point, I knew he was suspicious.
How could he not be? I had left Greystone, barely talked to him, and every time he asked when I was comin’ home, I gave him some half answer that ain’t even sound like me.
But I couldn’t carry his confusion right now.
I couldn’t carry his worry, his questions or that future I had said yes to while my heart was somewhere else.
I turned the phone facedown on my lap and looked back out the window.
At the airport, the driver got my suitcase from the trunk and walked it inside for me. I thanked him, checked in for my flight and went through TSA with my body movin’ on its own.
Everybody around me was movin’ with somewhere to go, and I was too, but it ain’t feel the same. They looked like they were headin’ toward vacations, business was, homecomings and people waitin’ with signs or open arms. I was headin’ back to a city where I had to face everything I tried to outrun.
When I made it through, I found a bar near my gate and sat down with my purse in my lap. I ordered a drink without lookin’ too hard at the menu, then sat here with my boardin’ pass tucked inside my suitcase by my leg.
The bartender set the glass in front of me, and I wrapped my hand around it, lettin’ the cold sit against my palm before I took a sip.
It burned a lil’, but a bitch needed that.
My nerves was fucked up. My heart was worse. I kept lookin’ at my phone even though I hated myself a lil’ more every time I did.
I opened my call log and stared at Renza’s name until my eyes blurred. There was so many outgoin’ calls that it made my stomach turn. I looked crazy. I felt crazy. And still, if his name popped up right now, I knew I was gon’ answer before the first ring finished.
That was the part that scared me. Not lovin’ him ‘cause I had already accepted that. What scared me was how far I had let myself fall with no net under me.
Renza was hurt, and I had helped put him there.
I could admit that now without tryna clean it up in my head.
I had made choices. I said yes to a life that looked safe while the nigga I really loved was somewhere buyin’ rings, lookin’ at houses and thinkin’ I was gon’ choose him.
I ain’t know how to fix that. I ain’t know if it could be fixed.
All I knew was I had come to Trill-Land ready to fight for him, and he never stepped in the ring with me.
I took another sip and swallowed around the lump in my throat.
My gate was only a few feet away, and the screen above it already had Greystone City listed in bright letters.
Seein’ it made my chest sink. I was goin’ back to my job, my apartment, my normal streets, my unanswered questions and a fiancé I couldn’t keep lookin’ in the face while feelin’ this torn up over another man.
I was goin’ back with more bags than I came with, but somehow, I felt emptier.
The announcement for my flight came over the speaker, and people started gettin’ up around me.
I sat here for a few seconds longer with my hand still around my glass, tryna make my body move before my heart could talk me into stayin’.
But stayin’ wouldn’t make him come. Callin’ wouldn’t make him answer.
Beggin’ wouldn’t make him ready to hear me, so I finished my drink, grabbed my purse and stood up.
When I got in line to board, I looked back once like Trill-Land itself might give me a sign. There was nothin’ behind me but people, chairs, luggage and the bar I had just left. There wasn’t no Renza walkin’ through the airport with that hard look on his face. It was just me…
So, I handed the lady my boardin’ pass, walked down the bridge and carried all that hurt with me.