Chapter 34
Solé Gardens
Two days later…
Renza was on his way to my condo, and I couldn’t sit still even if I tried.
I had been pacin’ back and forth for the longest, stoppin’ every now and then just to look at my phone like it was gon’ tell me exactly how far he was or what he was thinkin’.
He had texted me that he was on the way, and that should’ve been enough, but it wasn’t, especially when everything felt like it was sittin’ on this one moment.
The box with the pills sat on the coffee table, unopened, untouched and every time I looked at it, my chest felt tight. I knew what it meant and I knew what I had already decided, but at the same time, I kept stallin’, like if I just waited long enough, somethin’ would change.
I didn’t even wanna admit that part out loud, but it was there sittin’ on me, heavy as hell. If Renza walked through that door and said the right thing, or even just looked at me the right way, I didn’t know if I was still goin’ to feel the same about any of this.
That’s what made it worse because I wasn’t just sittin’ here waitin’ on time to pass. I was sittin’ here waitin’ on him without even meanin’ to.
It had been days since me and Renza talked, and even though I was the one who reached out first when I found out I was pregnant, that didn’t change the fact that I felt the shift.
He hadn’t called. He hadn’t texted. He hadn’t checked on me or asked me how I was feelin’, and even though I kept tellin’ myself that we wasn’t together and he didn’t owe me that, it still sat with me.
I missed him. I didn’t even wanna admit that to myself at first, but it was there.
It was in the way I kept lookin’ at my phone, and the way I cleaned this whole condo from top to bottom like he was still comin’ over like he used to.
It was in the way I had just cooked, knowin’ what Renza liked to eat.
I moved around my kitchen earlier, seasonin’ and tastin’ like everything was normal or like he was gon’ walk in and grab me from behind, kiss on my neck and ask me what I was cookin’ like he used to. I knew that probably wasn’t comin’, but I still did it anyway.
Even now, his stuff was folded up neat in a box by the door. His shirts, sweats, drawers… everything. I wasn’t about to throw his shit away like it eas worthless, but I also wasn’t about to keep it sittin’ here like we was still us.
I finally sat down on the couch, but I couldn’t even get comfortable. My leg kept bouncin’, my fingers kept messin’ with each other and every little sound had me lookin’ toward the door like it was Renza comin’.
Time was movin’ slow as hell, and it made everything feel heavier than it already was. Then finally, there was a knock.
My heart jumped so hard it damn near pissed me off, and I had to take a second before I even got up. I smoothed my hands over my shirt, then walked to the door and opened it.
Renza stood there in black sweatpants, a black v-neck, and some black and red sneakers, and for a second… I just looked at him. He looked good.
He didn’t look just regular good either. He looked refreshed, like life had been treatin’ him right. It looked like he hadn’t been sittin’ around thinkin’ about shit the way I had.
“Hey,” I said, keepin’ my voice even.
“Hey,” he said back, and that was it.
He didn’t reach for me, pull me in or touch me at all.bI didn’t realize how much I had been expectin’ that until it didn’t happen.
So instead, I stepped to the side and let him in, keepin’ my composure like that shit didn’t just hit me.
Renza walked in like he was familiar with everything, which he was, and went straight to the couch before sittin’ down. I closed the door behind him and walked over to the recliner, the same one we had sex on more times than I could count. I sat down like it didn’t mean nothin’, but it did.
For a minute, neither one of us said anything. It wasn’t awkward, but it wasn’t comfortable either. It just… was.
I reached over and grabbed the box, then held it out to him.
“This is them,” I said.
He took it from me, lookin’ down at it like he was readin’ somethin’ even though he wasn’t. I went on to explain how it worked, how I had to take one pill first and then the others later, how it was supposed to go, what I might feel, all that.
My voice stayed calm, like I was talkin’ about somethin’ regular, but inside, I felt everything.
Renza nodded while I talked, like he understood, but he didn’t say much. When I was done, he let out a low sigh through his nose and rubbed his hands together.
I watched him for a second before I spoke again.
“How you feel about this?” I asked.
He looked up at me, and for the first time since he got there, our eyes really locked.
“I don’t wanna say the wrong thing,” he said.
I frowned a little, not even knowin’ how to take that.
“Then just say what you feel,” I told him.
He leaned forward, restin’ his elbows on his knees, and looked down for a second before speakin’.
“I can’t tell you what to do with your body,” he said. “If you don’t wanna keep it, then… you don’t have to.”
I stared at him, tryin’ to read him, but he wasn’t givin’ me much.
“And if I did keep it?” I asked.
He looked back up at me.
“Then I’m here,” he said. “For you and the baby. Through the pregnancy… all that.”
I nodded slow, but somethin’ about that didn’t sit right with me.
“And after?” I asked.
He hesitated, just for a second.
“I’m still here,” he replied.
I raised my brows a little. “That’s it?” I asked.
“I’m just followin’ your lead on the situation,” he said.
That shit kinda cut me. I looked away from him, runnin’ my fingers through my hair as I tried to keep myself together.
“Why you don’t ever wanna lead anything?” I asked low.
That made him sit up a little straighter.
“It’s not that,” he said. “But what am I leadin’ if you already bought the pills? It sound like you made your decision.”
He wasn’t wrong, but at the same time, it still hurt.
“It just feel like you checked out,” I said.
He looked at me again, this time a little deeper.
“What you want me to do?” he asked.
That question sat between us because the truth was… I wanted him to say don’t do it. I wanted him to reach for me. I wanted him to make it feel like this meant somethin’ to him the way it did to me, but I wasn’t about to beg him for that.
Instead, I just looked at him, then back at the box. After a moment, I let out a slow breath and nodded to myself.
“I’m just… gon’ take it,” I said.
Even as the words left my mouth, a part of me still waited…
Just to see if he would stop me.