Chapter 37
Trill-Land, Jungle Estate
I was outside by the pool talkin’ to Pressure and ‘Lo, sittin’ back with my feet kicked out while the blunt burned slow between my fingers.
For once I wasn’t sayin’ shit slick or jokin’ on ‘em about these niggas. I was just sittin’ here, thinkin’, and that alone had both of ‘em lookin’ at me like they already knew somethin’ was off.
It took me a minute to even open my mouth, and when I finally did, I had to shake my head first like I was tryna get my thoughts together.
“Man… I ain’t gon’ lie, this shit got me feelin’ weird as hell,” I said, lookin’ down at the ground before I took a pull and let the smoke sit in my chest a second.
“Yeah, you been quiet as fuck,” ‘Lo said, leanin’ back in his chair and watchin’ me close. “That ain’t like you.”
Pressure ain’t say nothin’ right away, but he was lookin’ at me the whole time, noddin’ slow like he already understood what I was tryna say before I even said it.
I let the smoke out and rubbed my jaw. “It’s just everythin’ at the same damn time,” I said. “Reni… that whole situation… then Sha’Nelle… I ain’t even expect shit to line up like this.”
Pressure shifted in his seat. “It never do,” he said. “But it still happen anyway.”
That made me glance at him, ’cause I already knew he wasn’t just talkin’ just to talk. He had been right here before, stuck between two women and tryna move like a man at the same time.
‘Lo shook his head, then looked at me. “I’m still stuck on the fact you let her go through with that abortion,” he said. “I ain’t even gon’ lie to you.”
I looked over at him quickt. “Nigga, not everybody be on the shit you be on,” I said, shakin’ my head. “You and this nigga act like every time y’all breathe on a woman she supposed to end up pregnant.”
Pressure let out a low laugh. “Nigga, what the fuck you think God gave us dicks for?”
“Nah, y’all be wild,” I muttered.
I leaned forward, restin’ my elbows on my knees while I looked down at the ground again.
“I just ain’t been feelin’ right ever since watchin’ Reni go through that abortion though,” I admitted, rubbin’ my jaw again.
“That shit been sittin’ on me ’cause I could tell she ain’t really wanna do it for real. ”
That made it go quiet for a second, and when Pressure spoke again, his voice was calm but it hit. “But you ain’t try to stop her either,” he said. “So somewhere in you… you ain’t want the baby.”
I looked up at him and held his gaze for a second. I couldn’t even argue with that
That truth just sat there between us, and I ran my hand over my face like I was tryna wipe that truth off me, but it wasn’t goin’ nowhere.
“We don’t even believe in that shit,” I said after a minute, leanin’ back in my chair. “You know how we was raised. That ain’t never been somethin’ we played with.”
Pressure ain’t say nothin’, but I could tell he was listenin’.
I rubbed my face again and looked off for a second before speakin’ again. “So sittin’ there watchin’ her go through that, knowin’ that was my child… I’on know.”
‘Lo nodded this time, hearin’ me for real now. “I get that,” he said. “But at the same time, Reni ain’t somebody you tryna build with for real.”
I sighed. “I’m already knowin’, but I can’t just brush her off what I just went through with her.”
I paused, thinkin’ about them few days I was over there.
I had really been sittin’ there with her through all of it.
A nigga wasn’t just poppin’ in and out, checkin’ on her and keepin’ it pushin’.
I was really there while she was goin’ through it.
I had watched her body fold in on itself from them cramps, watched her try to play strong and then end up layin’ on me anyway when the pain got too real.
And every time she reached for me, I let her.
I ain’t even question it, ’cause I already knew why she was doin’ it.
She needed somethin’ to hold on to, and whether me and her was good or not, that part ain’t matter in that moment.
I couldn’t just leave her in that shit when I knew I was the reason, and I expressed that to my cousins, hopin’ they would at feel part of where I was comin’ from.
Pressure nodded slow. “That’s real.”
“It ain’t even about where my heart at,” I added. “It’s just… I know what part I played in that. I guess it compassion. Hell, I don’t know.”
‘Lo looked at me for a second, then shook his head. “So what about ‘Nelle?” he asked.
I let out a sigh under my breath. “Man, she actin’ funny as hell with me,” I said. “I been tryna fuck with her, tryna be on her and she treatin’ me like I’m some wild ass nigga she gotta keep space from.”
“That sound like her,” ‘Lo said, smirkin’ a lil’.
“I don’t even know what to do,” I admitted. “Part of me feel like I should just hop on a plane and pull up on her like this nigga used to do,” I added, noddin’ toward Pressure.
Pressure shook his head, laughin’ low.
Then he got serious again. “You gotta go with who you want,” he said. “Don’t be out here tryna do right by one and end up miserable. I did that, and that shit damn near cost me everything.”
I nodded slow, takin’ that in.
‘Lo leaned forward then, lookin’ at me like he was about to give me somethin’ solid. “And stop chasin’ ‘Nelle,” he said. “That shit don’t work the way you think it do. Her and Toni cousins, and sometimes they act just alike.”
“So what I’m supposed to do then?” I asked.
“Let her come to you,” he replied. “Hit her in the mornin’.
Hit her at night. Let her know you thinkin’ about her, but don’t be all up on her like that.
If she fuck with you the way we know she do, she gon’ come back around.
Trust me nigga, I dealt with it with Toni.
It ain’t matter how much I begged, she still tripped. ”
He paused, then added, “Sha’Nelle ain’t no regular woman. She ain’t gon’ chase you, but she solid. Just chill, and see how it play out.”
I sat here for a minute, thinkin’ about that, and lettin’ it sink in while the blunt burned down in my hand.
We stayed out there a lil’ longer, talkin’ here and there, but my head was already somewhere else, runnin’ through everything these niggas said.
After a while, we went back inside, and I made my way down the hall to my side of the house, feelin’ like I needed to clear my head before I made any moves.
I stepped into the shower and let the water hit me, standin’ there for a minute with my hands braced against the wall while everything replayed in my mind, from Pressure tellin’ me to go with who I want, and ‘Lo tellin’ me to stop chasin’.
And me standin’ in the middle of it, tryna move without fuckin’ everything up.
As bad as I wanted to just go see Sha’Nelle and handle that shit my way, I knew I probably needed to chill this time. Every time I tried to force somethin’ before, that shit just got worse, especially with Reni.
So maybe this time… I needed to let it breathe.
I cut the water off after a while and stepped out, dryin’ off before I grabbed my phone off the charger.
As soon as the screen lit up, I saw that I had a missed call from Sha’Nelle, along with a text and call from Reni sittin’ right under it.
I ain’t even hesitate, I tapped Sha’Nelle name and called her right back, puttin’ the phone to my ear while I walked around the room, waitin’ for her to pick up, but she didn’t.
I pulled the phone away and stared at it for a second, then typed quick.
Call me back.
I set the phone down and sat on the edge of the bed, rubbin’ my hands together while I waited, but as the minutes passed and nothin’ came through, I leaned back and stared up at the ceilin’, lettin’ out a slow breath.
Part of me felt like she was good and safe, but another part of me felt that space she had been creatin’, and I couldn’t ignore it.
Why couldn’t these damn women just listen to the way a nigga was tellin’ they crazy asses how much they loved ’em?
Like damn… y’all will just stop fuckin’ with a nigga just ’cause he missed a phone call.
All I could do was hope that what me and ‘Nelle shared for that week wasn’t just some shit that came and went. ’Cause that shit was real to me, and I wasn’t ready to lose it.