Chapter 36 Serena
SERENA
Silk sheets slide between my legs.
Calloused palms glide over my shoulders and the ruby choker at my throat. It begins to constrict, cutting off my air supply. I choke, clutching at the smooth, cold gems with skeleton hands. I try to scream, but nothing comes out.
Ocean eyes hover above me, glowing in the dark as Kylian’s soft lips ghost over mine.
There is nowhere on this earth you can go that I will not find you. You belong to me.
His whisper slathers goosebumps over my skin.
He smiles a wicked, cruel smile before I take my final breath.
“Serena!” Someone is shaking me. “Wake up! It’s just a dream. Look at me, open your eyes.”
I fly awake, finding Zadyn leaned over me.
“What happened?” I croak.
“You were screaming. I woke up, and you were covered in shadows. I think you were about to shadow walk in your sleep.” Zadyn’s grip on my shoulders loosens. He sinks onto the bed beside me. “What the hell were you dreaming about?”
I sit up, clasping my neck.
I’m free. That collar is buried in the depths of the Praxian Sea, along with its matching ring.
“I’ve been having nightmares.”
“For how long?”
I shrug. I can’t remember the last time I slept without them.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“What could you have done? Fought them off?”
“If that’s what it took.” I’m surprised at the earnestness behind his statement.
I swallow the pins in my throat, staring straight ahead, seeing something that isn’t there. Lost in the memories of Kylian touching me, holding me until he fell asleep. Of his fingers weaving through mine as he ground them into the mattress. Of how my body responded to him against my will.
I blink, and the images clear like smoke.
“You don’t have to talk about it unless you want to. But you need to know that I don’t fault you for what you did. You were surviving.”
“I said I wasn’t ashamed of what I did. And I’m not,” I start, trying to find the right way to express the complicated knot of feelings I have over what happened with Kylian. “But I do feel ashamed of how I felt.”
The instant the words leave my mouth, I want to suck them back in. Zadyn studies me, waiting for me to elaborate.
“How did you feel?” he asks without a hint of judgment.
“I hate him. And I hated the thought of doing what I did. I should have hated every second. It should have made me physically ill.” I stare at the bed, feeling like I could burn a hole through it.
“But you didn’t hate it.”
I shake my head, holding in tears, but my stupid lip trembles.
“He wasn’t rough with me like I expected. He didn’t force me. It just…happened. He never actually hurt me, not physically.” I swallow. “I found myself thinking about how much I should have hated it, and I…”
A choked laugh escapes me as I hug my knees to my chest.
“What kind of sick monster enjoys being with another monster? There’s something so, so wrong with me. I’m fucking sick in the head, I’m so demented.”
My chest tightens. My mouth races to catch up to my mind—spewing words until I run out of air. Zadyn slides closer, cupping my cheeks.
“Stop, stop, stop. Breathe.” He grounds me, holding my gaze until the panic subsides and my breath returns.
“There were moments I felt sorry for him. Moments I actually forgot how horrible he really was. Moments he made me…even knowing all the things he’d done, after witnessing him nearly kill Kai day after day, and then I just go and fall into bed with him.”
I bury my face in my palms.
“I don’t expect you or Jace to understand—I don’t even understand.”
“I do understand. I understand that whatever happened between you, whatever you did to survive, resulted in a lot of complicated, conflicting emotions. That’s only natural. You are not a monster, Serena. You are not a monster for feeling things.”
“Yes, I am! I felt things for my enemy. For a murderer, for my captor!”
“Do you love him?” Zadyn asks, cutting me off. I open my mouth, a bit stunned by the question.
“No—”
“Then there’s nothing to worry about. We’re talking about sex under duress here. It’s all gray area. There is no right or wrong to whatever feelings came with it, even positive ones. Not to mention, he’s a siren—who knows what he could have planted in your head.”
“He never used his magic on me.” I wait for his horrified expression. But it doesn’t come. He just stares at me, his face concerned but unmoving. “Everything I felt, everything I did and even initiated was real. I was the one feeling those things, doing those things—oh my god.”
I’m going to be sick.
“You’re not going to convince me you’re a monster. I don’t care what you initiated, I don’t care what you did and how many times, I don’t fucking care if you liked it. All I care about is that you are safe right now in front of me, and that I can make sure nothing like this ever happens again.”
His fingers thread through my hair, and those brown eyes thaw some of the ice in my veins. I nod as a charged moment passes between us. Then he looks away, easing back from me.
“I understand if you don’t want to be touched right now.”
“I’m okay,” I assure him, glancing at his biceps. There’s nothing quite as comforting as being locked between them.
As if reading my mind, he gives me a reluctant smile and opens his arms. Tucked beneath his chin, his hands linked around my waist, I feel small and warm and safe.
I feel at home.
“I’m sorry I let this happen,” he says. “He’s going to pay for ever hurting you.”
“Please stop apologizing, and just hold me.”
“I can do that.”
His warmth envelops me, and I fall asleep with no more nightmarish interruptions for the remainder of the night.