Chapter 74 Serena #2
“What is she doing?” Mar hisses, turning her horse. “She knows these woods aren’t safe at night.”
“Come on.”
We race after her, splitting off to search. Sorscha’s name echoes through the tangled trees, but no response comes. I will my pounding heart to quiet, straining to hear or see her through the shadows.
This was a terrible idea—she’d had so much to drink and—
A flash of pink snags my attention. I yank my horse to a stop.
She stands at the bottom of a hill, before a glassy black pool streaked with silver moonlight. Despite the cold, she drops her cloak, slips out of her shoes, and walks out into the lake.
“Sorscha!”
She doesn’t turn. She keeps drifting forward, the skirt of her gown dragging behind her, fanning out over the surface like a lace film. The water creeps higher, nearing her waist.
I hop off the horse and scamper down the hill.
But not before Sorscha goes under, disappearing into the black stillness. I hold my breath for her to emerge, but she doesn’t. Panic pricks at my skin.
“Sorscha?” I shout again. “Fuck.”
She’s going to drown in that damned dress.
I throw myself into the water after her. The icy temperature is a shock to my muscles, but I keep pushing, scanning the dark lake until I spot her dress pluming around her like the petals of a twisted flower.
I kick forward past the painful cold, grabbing her around the waist and dragging her up to the surface. She takes a wild gasp as we hit the air.
“Let go of me!” she screeches. I relent, and she scrambles away, dragging herself up the pebbled beach.
“What the hell are you doing?! Are you trying to get yourself killed?”
“Just seeking a moment’s peace,” she snaps.
“Sorscha! Wait. Talk to me. Please.”
“I’m not in the mood.”
God, she sounds like me when I’m pissed.
“What were you doing? That water was freezing!”
“I am aware. That’s why I went in.”
“Because it’s cold?”
She whirls to me, sopping wet, eyes hostile. “No. Because I wanted to feel something! Anything! Not that you or anyone else would understand.”
“Sorscha, look. I don’t know how else to say this, so I’ll just come right out with it.” My shoulders sink. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re…sorry?” Her amber eyes narrow to slits.
“I know your life was perfect before I arrived. And since then, your world has been turned upside down. It’s been chaos.
And it’s all because of me. Kylian coming here—bringing those creatures with him, attacking the castle.
If it weren’t for me, Ilsa and Derek might still be alive.
I know that. So if you hate me, I understand. I would hate me too.”
Her pale pink gown clings to her body, looking heavy as she regards me with a lightless expression.
“Hate you,” she mocks under breath. “I do not hate you. And you’re wrong, by the way. My life was not perfect. Neither was my relationship with my father.”
“Either way, he’s gone because of me.”
“He is gone because he bit off more than he could chew and because he was far too selfless for his own good,” she declares in a voice that tells me she’s had lots of practice giving commands. “He died defending his son. And I’m sure he regrets nothing.”
And boy, I must be a glutton for punishment because I keep pushing. “Jace is more torn up about it than you can imagine.”
“I don’t want to talk about him.”
“Well, maybe I do.” I’m really asking for it at this point, but I want the air cleared. “Before you got engaged—”
“We do not need to rehash this.” She latches onto her horse’s reins and hikes up the hill. I trudge after her, snatching up our cloaks.
“We tried to fight it. For so long. And once I knew you cared for him, it stopped. I didn’t want him to come to Vod for me, and he shouldn’t have done that, and I’m sorry—”
I grab her arm and pull her to face me.
“I’ve already said you’ve no need to apologize. For any of it. What is it you’d like me to say?” she hisses.
“The truth! You have every reason to despise me! And I deserve it. You, of all people, should never have gotten hurt in this mess. And I am so, so sorry, Sorscha. Because I know what you’re feeling right now.
I have lived it. And I know that you hide it well beneath that smile, but you don’t have to go through this loss alone.
Jace says you’ve been pulling away from people, from your friends—”
“My friends abandoned me,” she spits. “They abandoned me. You abandoned me when I needed you all.”
There it is. The slap to the face I’ve been waiting for. The one I deserve.
“I know,” I whisper, watching the ice settle over her features. “I know, and I’m sorry.”
“But the kingdom needed you more than I did. So I can’t fault you for that.”
“It’s no excuse, but I didn’t know what else to do. I just wanted this place—wanted you—to be safe. I didn’t want Derek’s death to be for nothing.”
“It’s not that you left, it’s that you didn’t take me with you!” she shouts, bursting through the royal mold that keeps her voice, her actions, her manners in check. For the first time, I see her for what she truly is.
A scared, hurt female with this undeniable rage bubbling inside her.
Looks eerily familiar.
“I was alone. Wondering why, wondering if I’d ever see any of you again.” She scoffs. “You think I’m upset that you went to Hyrax? That you tried to stop Kylian before he could do his worst? You think I’m upset that Jace came to rescue you? I would have never forgiven him if he hadn’t!”
Her words hang in the air as we stare each other down. I drop the cloaks and throw my arms around her. She stiffens but doesn’t fight. I keep holding.
One more second.
There.
Sorscha cracks, arms threading around me as her tears mingle with the water droplets clinging to my neck.
“I’m sorry,” I murmur against her hair.
“I was alone,” she sobs, her words barely audible. “Why does everyone shut me out? I’m not some delicate piece of glass in danger of shattering. I’m tired of being protected. I’m tired of being cloistered and babied and left.”
I pull back to cup her cheeks. “I promise you, it will never happen again. I will do whatever I can to make this right. You’re my sis—my friend. And I care about you more than you could possibly imagine.”
“I believe you, cousin.”
“You do know we’re not actually cousins, right?” I laugh through the tears. She smiles, and for a second, she’s herself again.
“You may not be my actual cousin, but I do not believe that blood chooses family for us.”
I jolt awake to the sound of a loud crash.
My heart thunders as a dark figure barrels through my door and slams straight into the back of the leather chair.
“Shit.”
I leap out of bed, sparking the candles on my nightstand with a flick of my fingers.
“Jace?”
“Hello, little witch.” He straightens, and I get an eyeful of his disheveled hair, glazed, hooded eyes, and vacant expression. He’s practically swaying on his feet.
Drunk off his ass.
“What are you doing here?”
“No Zadyn tonight?” He slumps down on the window seat as I pour him a glass of water.
“Not tonight.” I refrain from saying, he’s giving me space so I can sort out my feelings for the both of you.
“I hate to admit this, but he’s not a bad male.”
“You’re just now realizing this?” I hand him the water, and he glances up at me.
“I still don’t like him, but if I have to lose you to anybody, at least it’s to someone I know would die for you too.”
“Losing me to him? I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re the one getting married tomorrow.”
“Let’s just get it all—let’s just lay it all out, shall we?” he slurs.
“Let’s. I’ll start. You’re wasted.”
“That I may be, but I know what I’m talking about. We’re all big pretenders. We can all stop pretending now, it’s just you and me here.”
“I’m not pretending.”
“You’re pretending you don’t see the way your little guard dog looks at you. And that you don’t feel more for him.”
“Our relationship is…complicated.”
“Hah. Okay.”
“What do you want, Jace? You’re getting married in twelve hours. You know you shouldn’t be here.”
“You’re wrong.” He wags his finger at me. “I should be here. With you. This is the only thing that makes sense in this entire world.”
I groan and sink into a chair. He watches me rub my tired eyelids.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive you,” he says softly.
I glance up. “Forgive me for what?”
“For making me love you. For making me love you and then pushing me away.” His golden eyes clear, locking me in a stare that makes breathing a chore. *
My voice is little more than a whisper as I say, “What choice did I have?”
He stands and walks over to me, stopping when his legs touch mine. “I love you. And it’s ruined me beyond repair.”
“And you’re so innocent? You’ve pushed me away too. We both made choices that were necessary.”
“Fuck necessary. What about what you want—what I want? What we both deserve? I’m tired of fighting off what seems inevitable. What has always seemed inevitable. I’m tired of my only happiness in this world feeling like a sin.”
Jace falls at my feet, bracing the backs of my legs as he stares up at me—a broken man, pleading and repentant.
“Stop,” I breathe.
“No, just let me say this. I’ve done terrible things in my lifetime, but not saying this would be by far the worst.”
He takes his time, a deep inhale filling his chest.
“My entire life has been a fight. A battle to be good, be worthy, be better. But this? You and me? This was choiceless. I have tried—so hard—not to feel what I do. And now, it’s tearing me apart.
“Because it is impossible. It is impossible not to love you more with every beat of your heart. Every laugh, every smile, every scathing look. Every insult you throw at me. And I know I’ll never be worthy of you, but I can’t make myself stop.
No matter what I do, you’re here inside me.
You’re in my chest, my head—you’re in every gods-damned breath I take.
Because you, little witch, were made for me.
And I was made for you. I hate myself for realizing it too late, hate the Fates for keeping you from me until our time had passed us by. Serena.” His voice cracks on my name.
“I’m so sorry. I know I’ve done nothing but hurt you from the moment we met.
But all of me, body and soul, my heart, my life, my fate is entirely yours.
I will do whatever you say. If you want to run away tonight, I will.
I’m tired of pretending I can live without you.
I can’t.” He shakes his head. “I can’t.”
My heart cleaves in two. His words—words I didn’t even know how starved I’d been to hear—wrap around me like a blanket in a crashing storm.
But it’s all just a fantasy. We can never belong to each other. Not in this lifetime.
“Jace, get up.”
But he doesn’t. He yanks me down so that I crash into him. Tears well in both our eyes as he smooths my face.
“If we had met anywhere but here, I would have courted you. I would have won you over—taken you for garden strolls, scaled a trellis to sneak into your room after dark.”
I laugh through a sob, and he holds me tighter.
“I would have worked every day to be worthy of someone like you. And not a single one of them would have passed, where you didn’t know exactly what you meant to me.”
“Jace, please, please stop.”
He has no idea. No idea how he is gutting me.
I try to turn away, to hide the onslaught of tears now choking me, pooling behind my closed eyes. It’s foolish to think avoiding his stare will save me when I’m already completely wrecked.
He doesn’t let me get away with it anyway. He pulls my face back to his. My head and heart war, half of me wanting to give in and half of me knowing we’ll damn ourselves and everyone else if we do.
“Let me stay. Please. Give me one night to stay and hold you. We won’t do anything, but we deserve this. One night.”
His tearful gaze, his hands, are relentless, refusing to let me shy away from what we both know I want.
But I made a promise. To my friend. My sister.
And to myself.
“I’m sorry.” I get to my feet. “But you need to go.”
He stares at me, stunned, as if his entire world just stopped spinning. Then he gets to his feet and, without a word, walks out.
My dreams are haunted by him. Of his arms around me, of the heat of his skin on mine, of the love that burns right through his eyes whenever we’re alone.
But that’s just it.
I don’t want to be loved behind closed doors.
Because a love like that is lonelier than no love at all.
* Cue: loml by Taylor Swift