Chapter 89 Serena
SERENA
What the fuck was that?
Once again, I have thrown myself at Zadyn like some hormone-crazed teenager. I have no idea what’s gotten into me. I just couldn’t stop myself from pushing him. From pressing those buttons and watching him give himself over to this thing between us.
It’s addicting—driving him to the very brink and watching his restraint stretch to the point of snapping.
I press my back against the cabin door and squint up at the afternoon sun.
I can no longer outrun the fact that things are different. That I feel differently toward him.
Something changed ever since he opened his eyes.
Since I followed that thread inside of me that binds us and saw that he and I are embedded in each other’s souls.
I saw our bond as clear as if it were a tangible thing.
A braided chord of liquid starlight that was so painfully bright to behold.
It glows inside us, the same exact shade, the same luminosity.
Which is why I can’t lie to him. If what Margot said is true—it would change everything between us. And that would break my heart.
So I can’t involve him. Not until I figure out this mess on my own.
“That was fast,” Kai cracks, sidling up to me. I shoot him a glare.
“You’re hilarious.”
“I know.”
“Will you go in there? Make sure he doesn’t fall or anything?”
“Listen to you, like a fussy little mother.”
“Kai.”
“I’m going, I’m going.”
I head toward the large hut in the center of the camp, where Mar and a few other witches are preparing dinner for the clan.
They bow when they see me—which I immediately shut down.
Their reverence sours, however, when they witness my tragic lack of domestic flair in the kitchen.
I take their orders, grateful for the distraction from Zadyn.
He’s already walking better by the time he and Kai step through the door. His color has improved so much, and he’s barely giving his full weight to the cane. Our eyes link as he sits down at the long table across from me. I feel a little surge of nerves in my stomach.
His hair is still wet, turning the caramel strands a shade darker. He pushes it back, looking like a fucking Abercrombie & Fitch model. A single droplet slides down his neck, and I have to physically fight the urge to lick it up.
Holy shit, what is wrong with me?
He must notice my unabashed gawking because he gives me a funny look and asks, “Are you okay?”
To which I reply, not yes. Not no. But (drumroll)…
“Thank you.”
Thank you? Fucking idiot.
That was embarrassing, Furi grumbles.
Hey. Get out of my head.
Zadyn chuckles, reaching for the glass in front of him. My eyes find his hand, and my mind flashes to earlier.
How those same strong hands pulled me onto his lap. How they dug into my skin. How they rocked my hips just the way he wanted them. I could feel how hard he was beneath me, and that spurred me on further, knowing how badly he wanted me. And from what I could tell, he was—packing.
God damn it, Serena.
What’s got you blushing over there? Zadyn’s words echo in my mind.
Oh. Nothing. I was definitely not thinking about your dick or anything.
I’m not blushing.
I’m looking at you right now, and I can assure you—you are.
Red as the blood of my enemies, Furi tacks on.
Stop eavesdropping, damn it, I shoot back, redirecting my focus to Zadyn.
Maybe stop looking at me then.
I allow myself a single peek at him. The corner of his mouth curls up into a reckless smirk, flashing that damn dimple.
It can’t be helped, I’m afraid.
Un. Fair. He can’t say things like that to me! Not when I’m trying to be on my best behavior.
His foot grazes mine under the table—an accident, probably. But that doesn’t stop the spike of desire that rockets up my legs. I peer up at him through my lashes, devastated by his beauty.
I’m so torn between falling into this thing between us that is so clearly inevitable and fighting to keep my head above water. But he is wearing me down, and it’s only a matter of time before I go under.
I slam the door to my mind shut, worried that given one more second, he’ll be able to hear my thoughts as if I’d screamed them at him. For a moment, he looks hurt—confused.
This hot and cold act must be giving him whiplash, and if I could control it, I would. But it’s hard to think clearly around him. Shutting him out is for his own good until I know how to navigate this.
I try to participate in conversation to distract myself. But I can feel Zadyn nudging from the other side of that door.
He wants me to let him in. He’s assured me time and again that he knows me—the darkest parts and the lightest—and that he isn’t afraid. And that nothing I could do—even shoving a dagger through his heart—would break the bond between us.
He will always love me. Which makes this all the more difficult.
I shove to my feet, earning curious looks from our friends.
“I’m full,” I sputter. “I think I’ll just head back to the cabin.”
“Me too.” I lock eyes with Zadyn, and my heart sinks. Grabbing the cane, he pushes himself to stand. “I’m kind of tired.”
Kai blows on his soup, barely masking the evil smirk on his face as we exit the hut together. The silence as we make our way back is electric—full of hesitation and secret hope.
“Are you actually full? You had two bites,” he finally says.
I turn to him. “No. Are you actually tired?”
“No.” A small smile works its way over his mouth. “Why the excuse?”
“I just needed some air.”
Honest enough.
“You’re doing it again.” I glance over at him. He taps his head. “Blocking me out. Are you acting weird because of what happened earlier?”
“I’m not acting weird.”
“Yes, you are. You’ll barely look at me.” He pauses. “I didn’t mean for things to take a turn like that.”
“You didn’t—I was the one who started it. Honestly, if Kai hadn’t interrupted…I don’t know that we would have stopped.” He looks relieved, but I continue, “I just don’t want anyone to get hurt.”
“You mean me.”
I say nothing.
Exhaling, he says, “Look, Serena, I don’t care anymore. I want you. And I am so fucking tired of resisting you.”
“Zadyn—”
He shakes his head and softens his voice.
“Just let me finish. I’m tired of sweeping this under the rug for the sake of comfort.
I don’t know what you want, but you are all I think about.
Even in my sleep, I am constantly searching for you.
I can’t escape you, and honestly, I don’t want to.
If you just want this to be physical, then fine.
I will take whatever part of you I can get. ”
“I don’t,” I answer truthfully. “But right now that might be all I’m capable of giving you, and that isn’t fair.”
“Like I said—too tired to care.”
“Trust me when I say I have my reasons for holding back.”
“Then tell me.”
I shake my head. “I—I can’t.”
Frustration flashes in his stare. “See, this is the shit I can’t deal with—you constantly shutting me out.”
“Zadyn, please—”
“Don’t you understand that there is nothing you could tell me that would change the way I feel about you? Literally nothing. So why the secrets? Haven’t I always been honest with you?”
My defenses shoot up. “You want to talk about honesty? Where was the honesty my entire life? Less than six months ago, I didn’t even know your real name—didn’t even know your real face!”
“That is completely different—”
“It is not. Lying is lying.”
“Omitting.”
“Semantics.”
“I had a duty to protect you.”
“And that meant you couldn’t be honest with me?”
“You’re trying to turn this around to avoid what’s actually happening here.”
“I’m curious, Zadyn,” I steamroll over him, “where were you when I needed you? Where was Annie? After my dad died, after Jack—I needed my friend. And you just fucking ditched me without so much as a postcard.”
He bolts forward, face twisted in rage, and drops his voice into a lethal whisper. “You have no idea how hard it was to walk away from you like that.”
“Then why do it?”
“Because I crossed a line! I crossed a line with you. I was falling in love with you, Serena, and I was in over my head. I should never have gotten that close. I had to step back. And even when I did, I was always just out of sight. I never left you. Not really.”
“Well, could have fooled me.”
His eyes scrunch as he tries to dig past my tough act. “Why are you bringing this up now?”
“Maybe I don’t want to get left again.”
“So now this is a trust thing? You don’t trust that I’ll stick around? I would die for you, and you know it. I did die for you. And I’m still fucking here, so if you don’t want this then fine, but don’t insult me by lying to my face.” He turns to leave.
“I know you would die for me, Zadyn! And this may come as a shock to you, but it doesn’t make me grateful, it makes me pissed off and terrified.” I groan, running my fingers through my hair. “Please. I don’t want to fight with you.”
He looks back in my direction. “Then stop pushing me away. What are you so afraid of?”
It’s something in his eyes—so wide and vulnerable—that cracks my heart open. And my guts spill out.
“I’m afraid that I will love you so much it will consume me.
I’m afraid that I will lose you again, and I won’t be able to cope.
I have been trying for so long to pretend I don’t feel something more for you because I was worried I would ruin everything between us.
I’m afraid of how connected we are, that sometimes I don’t know where I end and you begin. ”
“Serena—” he starts, but I can’t shut up.
“But mostly I’m afraid you’ll never look at me the way you are now after I tell you what I need to tell you.”
He pauses, concern drawing his brows together.
Unable to stop myself, I let the words that have been slowly eating away at my soul—Margot’s words—pour out of me.
Zadyn stares at me from the bed, wearing the world’s best poker face.
He leans forward, propping his elbows on his knees, and drags his fingers through his hair. I chew on my nail from across the room, desperate to interpret his expression.