Chapter 101 Serena
SERENA
Ifind Jace in the forest, hacking a sword against the trunk of a weeping willow. The metal slams into the bark again and again, leaving behind deep, ugly gashes.*
“Jace?”
He doesn’t turn as I approach. He just keeps on punishing the innocent tree.
“Jace, please just look at me.”
“I can’t. Not right now.”
Another loud crack as his sword makes contact with the wood.
“I didn’t choose this.”
“Serena, please just go away.”
“Not until you talk to me.”
His sword meets the tree with such ferocity that the metal actually bends.
“Fuck,” Jace curses, tossing the damaged blade into the grass and stalking away without a look in my direction.
“Stop.” I grab his arm, pulling him to face me. “Talk to me.”
“I can’t talk to you.”
“Then yell at me! Just don’t punish me like this.”
“You want me to yell at you? Fine. What the fuck was that?” He points toward the castle.
“It’s a long story.”
“A long story?” His eyebrows leap up. He holds up a finger for every word that follows. “‘He’s. My. Mate. It’s three fucking words, seems like a pretty short story to me.”
“I’m sorry, but it’s true. Kylian is my mate—or one of them.”
“There’s more than one?”
I nod. He waits, the hostility in his eyes surrendering to desperate hope. Hope I am about to shatter with my next words.
I think about telling him the truth. Telling him that together we will cause destruction, heartache, death. But I know exactly what he will say. And I know he won’t stop fighting for this until I give in.
And I can’t.
So I do the only thing I can think of to keep us apart.
I lie.
“Kylian and Zadyn.”
He hurls out a jaded laugh, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms behind his head. “You’re fucking kidding me.”
I force myself to swallow.
“You’re telling me that what we feel for each other isn’t a mating bond?” He gestures between us.
I shake my head, and he laughs again, the sound chilling and cold.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but that is bullshit.”
“Is it? Have you had that moment where it all clicked into place? Because I haven’t. Not with you.”
“No, I’ve had a thousand moments!” His voice blasts through the clearing, making me jump.
“A thousand times I’ve found myself staring in awe of you, thinking, It’s her.
It has to be her—because never in my lifetime have I known what it was like to ache for someone the way I do for you.
A thousand moments. A thousand moments, desperately fighting against a current that has always been bigger than me—stronger than me.
So maybe you haven’t had that big magical moment, maybe you haven’t seen that flare go off.
But I have. Every time I look at you, it’s a flare—it’s a fucking smoke signal telling me it’s you. ”
My heart fractures.
“It’s not me. It’s not us, Jace. It can’t be.”
“Why not? I know you feel this too. Why are you denying it?”
“Jace, just let it go. Please.”
“Let it go?” he spits. “If I could, don’t you think I would have months ago when I got engaged to Sorscha? You think it’s fun for me to choke on my own jealousy day after day? Do you think I enjoy this torment? You think I want to love you to the point of sickness?”
“We have never been good together! We’ve never been right.”
The lie tastes like copper and ash on my tongue.
But the proof is there. We do hurt people—every time we’ve even thought about giving in to what’s between us.
After the first time we kissed, the Stryga arrived, and Ilsa was killed. When Jace nearly died in the maze, I shattered my own glamour and exposed myself to Kylian. He comes to Vod for me—Derek dies days later. He tries to protect me by locking me up, and Zadyn dies…
How many more warnings do I need?
“We would know.” He turns away, raking a hand through his dark hair. “If we weren’t mates, we would know it.”
“We do know. We don’t belong together. We hurt people when we try to choose each other. Because we’re trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. The universe has been driving us apart since day one.”
“Fuck the universe, I want you!” His shout echoes through the forest, chasing a flock of birds from the branches above.
“I want you. I—I love you.” His voice cracks as I stare at the ground, the ache in my chest growing sharper and sharper.
“Listen to me.” His hands slide into my hair, fisting it tightly. “If you aren’t my mate, then why does it feel like this? Why does it feel like I’m on fire every time I’m around you?”
“I don’t know,” I whisper.
“Tell me you don’t want me.”
“I—I don’t want you.”
“You don’t love me.”
“No. I don’t.”
He shakes me. “You’re lying, Serena! What are you not saying? I am so tired of the secrets!”
“So am I!” I shove back. “You’ve kept your fair share of them, and look what’s happened!”
“I lied because I care about you!”
Which is exactly what I’m doing now.
But he keeps pushing. “If you weren’t my mate, you’d feel nothing when you looked at me. And you don’t feel nothing. Do you?”
Of course, I feel something. Even knowing what I do, I feel compelled to be close to him, the same way I do with Zadyn. And Kylian.
What kills me most is the fact that there is still so much love between us. Love that I am crushing beneath a steel-toed boot.
“Stop fighting it. Stop fighting me. I don’t care what the Fates say, I don’t care what the gods say.
I don’t care if they made Kylian or Zadyn your mate, because in my bones I know that you are mine.
I know that I could never belong to anyone else because I have always been yours.
So don’t you dare tell me I’m wrong. Don’t you dare tell me it’s over. ”
His mouth slams into mine. And before I can protest, I’m kissing him back so hard it hurts.
It isn’t gentle. It isn’t kind. It is fueled by desperate need, by grief, and stubborn defiance.
I break away, shoving out of his arms and sprinting off—my heart beating out of my chest and my cheeks streaked with stinging tears.
It’s official.
I’m swearing off men.
Should have done it a long time ago. But my middle name is pushover.
I am a pushover for all three of them.
My mates. All of whom hate each other and will probably very soon end up hating me.
How is this supposed to work? What are holidays going to be like? Are they supposed to share me? How is that fair? Am I supposed to rotate beds every night for the rest of eternity?
Fuck this. And fuck you, universe. Fuck you, Fates.
I asked for one. One person to spend my life with. Not three.
I asked for a love as easy as breathing. Turns out knowing who you’re meant to be with is just as complicated as spending thirty years blindly guessing.
So thank you. Batting a thousand here.
You are doing the right thing, Furi assures me.
Sure doesn’t feel that way.
It makes sense now—Furi telling me to stay away from Jace and that I belonged to another. She had been talking about Zadyn. She hadn’t known about a third mate until I did, let alone that it was Kylian.
I push open Zadyn’s door to find him peering out the window. The fires from the attack are still going strong, eating their way through the hills below. He glances up, and the desire to rush to him and bury myself in his warmth slams into me.
“How’s he taking it?”
“How you’d expect.” I trudge into the room, hiding my face in my hands. “This is such a disaster.”
The conversation with Jace keeps playing on a loop in my head. And it tastes like regret. But the fact is, bad things do happen whenever we get together or come close to it. And lately, being around him feels more nuclear than being around Kylian.
We were doomed from the start.
Zadyn’s arms fold around me, easing some of the tightness from my chest.
“I had to lie to him. He won’t let this go,” I say. “I told him that we aren’t mates. That I don’t feel the same.”
“And he believed that?”
“I’m hoping he will eventually.”
“You and I both know that isn’t going to work. Sooner or later the truth will come out. It always does.”
“Then let it. Because it’s better for him to hate me. It’s better for everyone if we stay far away from each other. And as for Kylian—I don’t even know what to do about that bucket of shit.”
“Serena—”
“I’m so sorry for ruining the plan. You and Jace had the perfect opportunity to end this, and I choked.
I felt the bond lock into place right as Jace was about to kill him, and ugh—this is so wrong.
Kylian and mate do not belong in the same sentence.
And Kai is going to hate me when he finds out, after everything Kylian put him through—”
Zadyn’s hand shoots out to grip my face, smushing my cheeks together and shutting me up.
“Hey.” Those rich brown eyes sweep me into their depths, putting a pin in my mini meltdown. “None of this was in your control. And we could have never predicted that Kylian would be your mate too.”
“The signs were there,” I admit. “I just didn’t want to believe it. Could this situation get any worse?”
He offers me a soft smile, tucking my hair behind my ear. “You better knock on wood after the day we’ve had.”
I appreciate the levity he’s offering, but I can’t match it.
“I’m in over my head, Zadyn,” I whisper.
“Come here.” He tugs me toward the bed. I resist for a second, then plop down, throwing my head into his lap. He smooths back my hair as we share the silence.
“I don’t know where to go from here. All of this is so confusing. It’s like I want him dead but—” I trail off not knowing how to phrase it.
“But you want him too.”
I’m so sorry.
You’ve done nothing wrong. None of this is your fault.
I wish you’d stop saying that.
It’s the truth.
“How are you not mad at me?”
“You expected me to be mad at you for Kylian being one of your mates?”
“Jace was.”
“Because Jace is an asshole. And fuck him for not understanding. I swear, if he gives you any shit about it—”
“So protective.” I smile at the fierceness in his voice.
“Of course I am, you’re mine,” he vows, playing with my hair. “Even if you’re theirs too.”
I frown at that thought.
How is this going to work?
It’s certainly complicated, but you’re not the first person this has happened to.
Well, if they’ve got a manual for this Ikea bullshit, it would be helpful right about now.
He laughs. It’s all up to you. You can choose which bonds to accept or reject. And if you don’t want to decide, then that’s fine too.
If I reject Kylian and Jace, will these feelings go away?
Zadyn gives me a sad smile and shakes his head.
Probably not. They might lessen a bit. But, Serena, as much as I want you all to myself…
you don’t have to choose between us. In cases like these, I’ve never seen a central bond choose between her mates.
It would be torture. No one would expect that of you.
Not choosing—what would that even look like? I’m about as vanilla as they come. I don’t think I could juggle a polyamorous quad.
It wouldn’t have to be like that.
Well, however it would be—it seems unfair. To you. To all of you.
You don’t have to figure this out overnight. And it’s not unfair to me. Because if I get to love even some small part of you and have that returned, I promise you that will be more than enough. And if you ask either of them, I’m sure they’ll tell you the same thing.
Not Jace.
Maybe not now. Look, I know how you feel about me. I have a direct link to your mind. I can feel everything you do. I’m not threatened by you wanting them too.
I sit up and gawk at him. Are you like giving me a hall pass or something?
It’s not a hall pass. It’s just acceptance.
Do I enjoy the thought of anyone else touching you?
Fuck, no. But the more you’re around them, the harder it will be to fight your connection.
You may hate Kylian right now, but a part of you will not stop thirsting for him.
I know what it is to long for someone. I don’t want that for you.
And as your mate, your primary—I know what you need. I won’t force you to choose between us.
My primary?
His eyes soften as he presses a kiss to the inside of my wrist. It’s what we call a familiar that doubles as a mate.
I marvel at him. My best friend. My familiar. My mate.
He smiles that smile that’s reserved only for me.
And while I’m still not fully convinced that I deserve him—I love him, I love him, I love him.
* Cue: I Knew It, I Know You by Gracie Abrams