Chapter 58
Camila
Iwish I had more time.
More time to love him.
More time to make him feel loved.
Just like he was supposed to.
The sterile smell of the hospital is potent in my nose.
It’s evening now. Xander’s still on that operating table.
“Luckily it wasn’t a major fracture. We’ll see you back here in six weeks for another x-ray. Are you sure you’re not hurt anywhere else?” The doctor that took me away from Xander’s operating room—who has been fussing about my arm since—double-checks.
I shake my head. Apart from the fact that my heart feels like it's missing out of my chest… Yeah, fine.
He places my forearm—that’s now wrapped in a white cast—back on my lap.
“Okay, I’ll leave you to it. Call if you need anything.
” The doctor leaves the sectioned-off area with a blue curtain that only houses a bed and one small chair.
Silence falls between me and Jacques, aside from the low sounds of hospital havoc.
I’ve been staring at a switched-off heart monitor to the side of the bed the entire time, as if that would keep Xander’s heart beating.
Jac cuts through the silence. “Estella is a great surgeon; she’ll do the best she can.” I twist in his direction from the bed. He’s leaning forward in the chair, eyes cast to the floor. It’s the worst I’ve seen him since the night Xander went missing. Gone is the usual cheery Jacques.
“He’ll make it through this,” he tries to reassure, probably himself as much as me. He looks at me, promises that he can’t keep written on his face. I appreciate the determination and the words of encouragement, but until we see Xander, I can’t find it in me to believe him.
I turn towards the monitor again, mentally counting the seconds he spends in that operating room.
I feel numb. Like I’m not quite here in the room. Wishing it was me instead of him.
“I’m sorry,” are the first words I say in hours, and I feel like this is about to trigger the floodgates again. “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have got you involved in this mess.”
“It’s not your fault, Cam,” he replies softly.
“It is!” I snap. “If I hadn’t got you tangled in my mess with Luke… If I hadn’t rung you…”
“They would’ve got to us anyway. She was after him from the moment we bought that club.”
I let out a sarcastic laugh. “I just wish… I wish that I had more time.” Tears start streaming down my face at that.
I will never see him again. I will never see his cocky grin when he notices that I’m staring at him.
I will never be pestered over being kept safe again.
He needed time. He needed time to heal from the trauma his mother caused him.
I wanted so badly to do it together… and now… we’ll never have that time.
I was too late. If only I’d stopped denying myself the intense form of love he was giving me, maybe this would’ve ended differently. I fucked everything up, and now I don’t know how to live without him. There’s not a scenario I can imagine where he’s not a part of my life.
“I just wish the crazy bastard took his medication.”
I snap my gaze to Jacques. He’s right, but…
“I don’t think the medication would’ve stopped him,” I say as I remember the day I ran away from him.
‘You’re not just a passing thought. You’re not just an obsession. This is deeper than obsession. This isn’t love. Because love is not enough of a word to describe how I feel about you.’
“I had no idea he was on medication,” I say. “Do you think that would’ve stopped the outcome of any of this?” I huff, gesturing around us and to my hospital gown.
“He hasn’t taken it for years. He thought I didn’t know. I suspected. I begged him to take it. If he did, his head would’ve at least been screwed on to think straight.” He clears his throat. “He loves you. You can literally feel it wafting off him. He’s never loved so intensely before.”
We both chuckle.
“The outcome? No. But maybe it would’ve saved him from going on a murder spree, and we could’ve found Luke earlier.”
“What’s done is done,” I comment. “There’s no way of changing what happened.”
Jacques comes to sit next to me, wrapping his arm around me, and I place my head on his shoulder.
I don’t know how long we’re like that, but by the time I wake up, it’s already morning.
The smell of coffee fills my nose as Jac returns from his venture to the hospital's coffee shop. Morning sunlight beams in through the window that we’ve been lucky enough to get in our section.
Jacques hands me my caramel latte with a weak smile.
“You should really go home and get some rest, Cam.”
I shake my head, letting the burning coffee scald my tongue as I take a sip.
To feel something. Anything other than emptiness. Life seems like it’s just lost all purpose.
I can’t remember the last time I thought about my studio.
“You think those surgeons in there are taking a break? Neither am I.”
He sighs and turns to the curtain, unveiling it to a casually dressed Nova and Axel. Axel wears his usual unreadable expression, while Nova smiles sympathetically. Jacques slides the curtain shut behind them and sits back in the chair.
Nova perches on the edge of the bed, her straight, long hair catching under her bottom. She pushes up, flicking her hair out of the way. “How is he?”
“They’re still operating,” I reply, swallowing down the lump in my throat.
“It’s been hours,” Axel comments, but I can hear a hint of nervousness beneath that. The tattoos on his neck twitch as he looks around the room.
Nova shakes her head. “Penelope’s been arrested.
I think they might skip the trial thanks to Axel.
Life imprisonment. He’s wiped any trace of you from the systems…
all of you. That includes you, Camila.” She turns to Jacques behind us.
“I won’t ask you for anything right now.
I’m happy to take over Diamond Lounge for as long as you need. ”
Jac nods, sipping his coffee quietly.
Everything is so quiet. So still.
“The club looks like nothing ever happened. Both of our teams took care of that. I thanked yours before they left,” Nova finishes, standing from the bed again. “You’re our family now. I hope Xander makes it out.”
I look up at her, her eyes swimming with sadness that seems familiar to her.
“How are you?” she asks. Her hand reaches out towards my shoulder, but she quickly pulls back. I know exactly what she’s asking.
“Fine.” I shrug. “Really.”
It’s the truth. The knowledge that I killed two people will always weigh heavy on me. But it’s two people who deserved it.
And with no news on Xander, I can’t find it in me to care anyway.
Her lips pull into a tight line as she nods.
I unfold my legs and stand, pulling her in for a hug. “Thank you,” I whisper.
She squeezes me back like she knows the burden of killing someone. It feels… nice. Like maybe she could be a friend.
Axel purses his lips before giving a nod to Jac, and they both leave the room.
I stare at the gently swaying curtain, impatience and worry settling back in my stomach again.
Luke is dead.
Jenny is dead.
Everything is perfect.
Bar the one person who should be here.
As if some silent prayer has been answered, the curtain opens, revealing a short woman with fiery red hair, wearing clean scrubs. Her blue eyes cut to Jacques, then me. Jacques stands, his coffee cup forgotten on the small bedside table.
Silence.
More bloody silence.
Her heart-shaped face lights up with a smile. “The surgery was successful.”
I feel the weight of everything crumbling off me. Lightness fills me, but I crash to the bed, my head buried in my hands, fresh tears spilling. Tears of relief. Happiness. Strong arms wrap around me tightly, Jacques’ own body shaking with relief.
“Swear to me, Estella,” his chest rumbles against my uncasted arm.
“He’s back in his room now. Pretty beat up and asleep, but he’s back. You can go and see him.”
I’ve never been up so fast, following the short, curvy woman around the hospital.
She opens a door to a bigger room, one that looks a little more homely than a standard hospital room, with warm colours and a cream floor.
And there he is, peacefully lying in the middle of the room.
My hand flies to my mouth. “Oh my god.”
There are stitches all over his torso and arms and a few bruises on his face.
But he’s alive.
“He might be asleep for a few hours. His body has been through a lot, but you’re welcome to stay. I’ll be popping in every so often to check on him,” Estella’s sweet voice explains. I turn and rush into her arms.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” I whisper-chant.
She taps me gently on the back as I pull away and beeline it towards Xander’s bed, gripping his warm—warm—hand in mine and sagging into the chair next to his bed.
“Thank you, Estella,” I hear Jacques mutter. They exchange a short conversation before he comes to sit on the opposite side of the bed. “Thank fuck,” he sighs, scrubbing a hand down his face.
I tremble with relief as my eyes sting from tears.
Estella knocks on the open door before walking in wearing a white doctor's coat. Her hair falls in long waves down her back, and her small, round, freckled face holds a serious expression. She’s pretty.
Xander’s chest rises and falls in a steady rhythm, and the monitor beeps every second.
“I hope I’m not disturbing,” she says, her gentle voice soothing the tense air. “I’m just coming to check his vitals.”
It’s evening now. Neither of us have left the room; we’re both just waiting for any sign of life from Xander.
Jacques watches her intently as she does her job, an awkward sort of silence falling in the room.
His eyes trail down her body, but he flicks them away quickly when she turns and places the clipboard back at the end of Xander’s bed. Sipping on a clear cup of water, he fixes his eyes to the window.
Estella notices the subtle bounce in my leg. She pauses, folding her hands into the pockets of her coat. “I promise he’ll wake up,” she smiles.
She picks his notes from the basket at the end of the bed again, nodding to herself before she places it back. She does a double-take of Jacques as she leaves the room.
Jacques’ head follows after her, and when he turns back towards me, there’s a grin plastered on my face.
“What?” he asks.
“You two seem to… know each other,” I pry.
He shrugs. “We went to the same school.”
I hum, taking a sip of my own water.
“I’m serious,” he says, eyes narrowing.
“Okay.” I hold my hands up in surrender. “I didn’t say anything.”
“You implied it,” he retorts.
“Implied what?”
“That we dated.”
“I didn’t,” I giggle. Got him. “But did you?” I raise my eyebrow, adjusting my hand in Xander’s.
“We didn’t,” he defends.
“Okay...” I drag out the word.
We banter back and forth for a while, the air feeling a little lighter.
“I think I’m going to get us some food. I’m starving.” He flicks his gaze to Xander. “Sorry, brother.” He claps his hands on his thighs before standing up.
Brother.
I hadn’t even thought to ask him about that.
“How…” I start before he grabs his wallet off a side table. “How do you feel about that?”
He sighs. “Honestly? I don’t know. Xander’s always been a brother to me, but knowing we’re actually related… It’s… weird. It feels like my whole life was a lie.”
“I never asked… What happened to your parents?”
“They passed. In a car accident. Something tells me that the accident wasn’t that much of an accident, though.”
He’s talking about Jenny.
“You really think so?” I ask.
He nods before leaving, his shoulders hunched just a little. There’s more to him than he lets on. And I hope he takes his own advice one day of opening up to someone. He looks like he might need it.
I’m left on my own with Xander. I stare at his beautiful face. Peaceful.
“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that I realised too late. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner.”
I climb into bed beside him, curling up around him.
“I can’t see a life without you, Xander,” I continue whispering. “I don’t want to see a life without you. I want forever with you.”
I know he won’t be able to hear me, but if there’s any chance that he might not wake up…
“Did you really think I’d leave you? My soul would’ve haunted you in the afterlife, Angel.”
I snap upright.
His eyes are open.
“You’re awake?” I ask as I touch his face and grab his hands, not believing this is real, needing to make sure this is real.
“I’m awake,” he whispers.
“Oh my god,” I cry, bringing my lips to his and kissing him with everything I have in me. “I love you,” I say between kisses. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” He grunts in pain, and I peel myself away, not wanting to hurt him. “Is this real?”
“It’s real.”
Relief floods through me as sobs rack my body.
“Motherfucker,” Jac laughs, dropping the ready-made sandwiches on the floor in the doorway, his eyes already brimming with tears.
“Hello, brother,” Xander sighs, lips quirking up with a smile.
Jacques’ tears drip down onto Xander’s hospital gown as he grips his hand. “Never do that again.”
“Xander, welcome back.” Estella strolls into the room, dressed in scrubs this time, relief washing over her face.
“Estella?” Xander’s eyes widen.
“That bullet got you pretty good,” she smiles, pressing a few buttons on the machines.
“What the fuck?” he laughs, glancing at Jacques.
Jacques tenses.
“Take it easy. I don’t want to spoil the happy moment, but I really need to check him,” she says, and we both slide off to the side, gripping each other's hands, Jacques holding me a little tighter than I am.
“What were you thinking, Xander?” she sighs, pressing the stethoscope to his chest.
“I found someone worth falling into an obsessive spiral for.” Xander’s eyes find me, and he gives me a crooked smile. My cheeks ache from how much I’m smiling, my body itching to be close to his.
Xander’s own eyes start welling up as we all soak in this moment. The reality that Xander is with us.