Chapter 5
Amir
“Mal,” I called from the kitchen. “Did you finish that worksheet?”
No answer.
I finished slicing the cucumbers, then arranged them on a plate shaped like a racecar. Maybe they’d balance out the dinosaur chicken nuggets. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t convince her she should eat something else for lunch on Saturdays. Some battles were doomed to be lost, I guess.
I picked up the plate and headed into the dining room. It was empty, and when I checked the worksheet on the table, only one of the questions had been answered.
If there was a sign that the day was going to be a struggle, this was it.
“Mal,” I repeated as I made my way down the hall. She wasn’t in the living room or her bedroom. Probably because she knew it’d be easy for me to find her there.
As I started for the back door, I heard my phone ring from the kitchen.
There were a few people it was likely to be, and I didn’t want to talk to any of them.
Spring training was coming up in a week, which inevitably meant Shawn, would have more announcements than any of us needed.
I had the schedule, and my apartment was booked for the time we’d be in Florida.
Anything they needed to say could be sent out in a text, for God’s sake.
Aside from their overbearing asses, I was trying to avoid my phone as much as possible.
Multiple times, I’d found myself pulling up Google.
I’d type the letter ‘R’, then I’d add an ‘E’, but I always erased it at that point.
There was no reason to see if that bar was listed. No reason for me to call.
Yet for the past two days, ever since I got in my car and looked over at Remi standing shirtless in that doorway, I’d been hard-pressed to get him out of my head.
There were a couple reasons for that, none of which I was in a place to deal with.
I’d be gone for a month and a half anyway, so it wasn’t the time for all that.
Once I slid open the back door, I saw Mal tucked away near the oak at the far edge of the yard. She was doing something in the dirt, looking laser-focused. Slipping my hands into my pockets, I made my way over to her while I thought about how to approach the situation.
“Hey,” I said.
She looked up at me only briefly before she went back to her cars. They were lined up from the shed to the base of the tree, and she was carefully maneuvering one as if it was turning around to go the other way.
I crouched, careful not to bump the perfectly constructed line.
“You listening?” She offered me a single nod.
“You didn’t finish your worksheet. Why?” When she shrugged, I held my hand above hers without touching her until she looked up at me.
Her eyes stayed on my cheek as she waited. “Words, please.”
“It’s Saturday,” she said.
“Yeah, but you didn’t do it yesterday when it was scheduled. That’s why we made the new plan today, remember? It’s on your calendar.”
“We don’t do school on Saturday.”
“I like it better when we don’t, but when we avoid something we don’t want to do, plans change, like today.”
She looked down at the car. Knowing she was listening, I let her continue pushing it.
“Sucks being nine, huh?” I teased.
“And seven months.”
“And seven months. Everyone is going to tell you this, and you’ll probably ignore it, but it gets worse when you’re old like me.”
“And Mom.”
“And Mom,” I laughed. “But she has some superpower that makes her better at everything.”
Mal was silent for a minute, and I watched as she added more cars to the lineup. She must’ve had hundreds in her collection by now.
“It was easier,” she said finally, her voice flat in a way that made it hard to read her meaning.
“What was?”
“When we all lived here.”
I looked down. Not for the first time, I was flooded with guilt that came in too many colors all at once. “I know it was, but we’re figuring it out, right?”
She nodded again. I was used to her silence, even before the divorce. Sometimes it was strategic. Other times, it was simply how she felt most comfortable.
“Tell you what,” I said, “we can add the worksheet to your calendar on Monday, but you have to promise me you won’t put it off again.”
“Hate math,” she muttered.
“Yeah, I know. What do you say?”
Her lips pulled to the side as she thought about it.
“It’s today or Monday,” I reminded her. “No other options.”
With a little grunt, she nodded. “Monday.”
“Great.” Slapping both my thighs, I stood. “It’s lunchtime. And no, you won’t get out of eating your cucumbers. I’ve already given you a pass on math.”
Her nose stayed wrinkled as she placed three more cars. I watched as she counted them. When she was satisfied, she jumped to her feet and ran ahead of me into the house.
“Ugh, phone!” I heard her call.
I walked faster toward the kitchen. Her hands were over her ears while the phone rang. I grabbed it off the counter and was about to deny the call until I saw the name.
“Hey,” I answered, putting it to my ear. “Did someone die, or do you miss me already?”
Trav chuckled. “At least you’re in good spirits.”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Well, there could be many reasons, but one in particular.”
“Does he not know?” Roman asked in the background.
“Hey, Roman,” I said.
“Hey, man. Been busy over there lately?” His voice sounded teasing but oddly cautious.
“Just finding new ways to bribe my kid to eat her vegetables. You’ll understand one day.”
“Yeah, I just might.”
“So, what are you two implying I should know?”
Trav cleared his throat. “Well, I’m surprised your phone hasn’t been blowing up.”
I pulled it away from my ear and glanced at the screen. Twelve missed calls since I’d gone outside. Twice as many texts. My stomach did a somersault as I read through what Shawn said.
“Fuck.”
“Swear!” Mal shouted from the other room.
Absently, I grabbed a five from my wallet and dropped it into the swear jar. She’d count it later to make sure, and she never forgot what I owed.
Dropping my elbows to the counter, I covered my mouth while the information caught up to me. It was impossible.
“I can get on a plane,” Trav offered.
“No,” I said immediately. “That might make it worse.”
“How?”
“Everyone’s eyes are on you right now, ever since the World Series.”
“It could start rumors,” Roman agreed.
I heard the front door open, and I didn’t have to check to know who it was. My eyes closed as my grip tightened on the phone.
“Hey, guys, I have to go.”
“Check in with me,” Trav said. “If you need me, I’m there. When have I ever cared about bad press?”
“Thanks, McKinney.”
I ended the call and let the phone drop to the counter. The presence in the room was heavy, and when I turned, the weight of my monumental fuck-up struck me like a freight train.
“Avery,” I sighed. “You might as well take off your shoes. I guess I have a lot of explaining to do.”
*****
Avery wouldn’t meet my eyes, even after we’d been sitting for ten minutes.
Since I hadn’t thought of the right words, I went through the messages I’d missed.
My manager, friends, teammates. I wasn’t sure how one of the news stations had gotten my number, but I blocked it immediately.
Unless our PR team directed me to do something, I wouldn’t talk to anyone.
Except Avery. I owed her that and more.
I followed the link to the article that had dropped this morning.
Front and center, there was a picture that made my insides curdle for the third time.
Me, disheveled hair, wrinkled shirt. Remi, bare above his low-hanging jeans, no shoes or socks, looking like he’d just done .
. . well, exactly what we’d just done. The light from his sign set the perfect scene, illuminating us and leaving no room for doubt that the man in front of a bar at two in the morning was me.
When I scrolled, it went to the next image, which was when he’d grabbed my shirt and yanked me in for one last kiss.
And there it was, online in full HD with its own detailed exposé. It was like my personal walk of shame broadcast for the world to see.
Movement made me look up at Avery. She had her face in her hands with her elbows on her knees. My heart ached as I watched her, this woman who was once everything to me. The mother of my child. My wife up until a year and a half ago. A woman I had loved since I was fourteen.
And I had loved her, in the best way I could. I’d been denying the truth about myself, hoping I was wrong about it, because how could I love her like that but not be in love with her? It was simple, really, except nothing was fucking simple about it.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” I said.
Dropping her hands, she met my eyes. Hers were watery, but not a single tear fell. She was strong like that.
“Tell me what?” she asked, her voice barely a rasp.
“Do you need me to say it?”
“Yes.”
I sighed. “I’m gay, Avery.”
Her nostrils flared as she looked away from me. “Bi?”
Swallowing hard, I shook my head. “No.”
When she got to her feet, I did the same.
“Don’t walk away,” I pleaded.
“I need to think for a while.”
“You came here to talk. That’s what I’m trying to do.”
“I came here hoping that maybe . . .” She drew in a shaky breath and wrapped a slender arm around herself. When she tipped her head forward, her blonde hair covered part of her face. “Maybe I was going crazy. Maybe there was an explanation. It was fucking Photoshopped, I don’t know.”
“I’m sorry,” I repeated, unsure what else to say.
“I was doing a lecture, Amir. Fifty students. One of them saw it, then they shared it, and they all just . . . looked at me.”
“Damnit.”
“You’re in the goddamn Major Leagues. What you do affects people. It affects me. It affects Mallory. I never get to escape being a part of your legacy, Amir. Don’t you get that?”
“Of course I do.” I turned to watch Mal with her cars outside while I tried to calm my own irritation. “Why do you think I haven’t come out? I have you two to think about, but also my career. I didn’t want it blown open like this.”
“Maybe sleeping around at bars in town isn’t the best way to keep a low profile.”
The bitterness in her tone grated on my nerves, but I knew that I deserved it. Being caught at that moment was bad luck. I didn’t know if it was someone random who sent it in or what, but I hadn’t taken the time to look into it yet. I was sure I’d get an earful when I called Shawn back.
“I should bring Mal with me,” Avery said as she headed for the back door.
“Excuse me?” I followed right behind her. “It’s my week. I have her until Friday.”
She turned around, her fiery blue eyes no longer guarded. “You have a hundred things to deal with. Do you want to make all those calls while she’s here to listen?”
I considered it for a moment. “I’ll figure it out. At the end of the day, it’s a damn article. It doesn’t come before her.”
“I can bring her back tomorrow—”
“No,” I said firmly. “She’s got her day planned out. Already, she’s gone off schedule because of this, but I’m not yanking the rug out from under her. It’ll only stress her out.”
It was clear she wanted to argue, but she knew I was right. “I don’t want you discussing any of it in front of her.”
“I don’t need you to tell me how to parent, Avery.”
We stared at each other for a long minute. I wasn’t sure if there was a winner or a loser to this, nor did I really care. She was angry, and she had a right to be. But it wasn’t as if I had it easy here either.
When she went outside to say goodbye to Mal, I watched the two of them. Things had changed so much in the past year and a half, and just as I started to think we were leveling out, this happened.
I didn’t know if I blamed myself, not that it mattered.
Remi and I both played our part, and he’d clearly had no idea I was anything more than a random in a bar.
In the end, I was the only one affected by it while he’d go on living his life, listening to his music, smiling and dancing and laughing and playing pool without a worry in the world.