Chapter 18
Amir
I woke to sounds coming from the kitchen. Glancing at my phone, I decided that man was sent from the Devil. There was another hour until I had to wake up, but there was no way I’d fall back asleep.
As I pulled on a pair of sweats, I wondered if he’d slept.
For all I knew, he might’ve wandered around the apartment all night.
Maybe I would’ve woken up, but maybe not.
I had a strange feeling that he could go unnoticed if he felt like it, like Mal when she was trying not to wake anyone.
I was pretty sure she liked being in the house while the rest of the world was asleep.
She’d once unplugged all the appliances so that she could actually enjoy the quiet, and I had to tell her that all of our food would go bad if she did that.
When I opened the bedroom door, the scent of food got stronger.
I expected to see Avery, but she was nowhere to be found.
Instead, Remi was standing at the stove, wearing a pair of black jean shorts with tears up and down them, along with a sleeveless hoodie that had some anime character on it.
I couldn’t decide if I preferred him like this or in my bed, shirtless in a pair of soft pajama pants.
I joined Mal at the island. Instead of her book, she had a math worksheet. From the way she gripped her pen, I knew exactly how she felt right now.
“Inside the parentheses first,” I reminded her.
“Mm.”
“Why are you doing this on a Sunday?”
“Mom said to.”
“You didn’t do it on schedule?”
She shook her head once. I frowned as I watched her struggle through the problem. When she forgot to follow the order of operations again, I was about to mention it, but she let out a growl and tossed her pen on the counter.
“Let’s take it back to the beginning,” I suggested.
She forced her chair back and hopped down. Her arms went around her middle tightly, her fingers digging into her back as she headed toward the living room.
“Mal,” I called.
She flopped onto the couch face-first, and I watched for a moment while she rocked back and forth. With a sigh, I decided to let her take things at her own pace. I came up beside Remi, who was flipping a pancake.
“I tried to help,” he said quietly. “She just ignored me.”
“I’m sorry.”
He shrugged, offering me an easygoing smile. “Some people tell me I’m hard to get along with.”
“It’s not that, I’m sure.”
“It’s probably better if she doesn’t like me anyway.”
“Why do you say that?”
“It won’t upset her when I’m not around.”
“Right.” I stared at the side of his face, and if it bothered him, he didn’t show it.
My fingers itched to touch him, just like I had all night, but I would make it worse for myself.
It was a good thing he’d be back in his room tonight.
I didn’t need the added torture of being around him twenty-four-seven.
“Hey, where’s Mal?” Avery asked as she came out of her room.
I nodded toward the couch. When she saw what was happening, her expression reminded me of all the things we still had to discuss. Last night I was too tired, but she was leaving after my practice, so we wouldn’t have any other opportunities.
“Can I talk to you?” I asked.
She bit her lip, then nodded. I headed for the front door, wanting a modicum of privacy. I’d say it was unlikely things would go downhill, but I couldn’t make any assumptions right now.
I closed the door behind me but continued until we were a little ways from the apartment. If Mal wasn’t inside, I might’ve gone up to the rooftop, but this would have to do.
Avery turned to me. “I know what you’re going to say.”
“You probably don’t.”
“You’re upset that I didn’t tell you we were coming.”
“No.” I swiped a hand down my face. “I mean, sort of. Any other time, I wouldn’t have minded, but right now? It feels . . .”
“It feels what?”
“As if you did it on purpose.”
She let out a breath. “Is that what you think?”
“I don’t know, Avery. That’s why we need to talk about it.”
“If you think I’m scheming somehow, you’re wrong. Mal was dying to see you play, and I don’t think it’s fair for me to say no just because things are different this year. Besides, I didn’t know he would be here.”
“Really?”
“You didn’t tell me.”
I looked to the side. “I didn’t think it was important whether he was here or not. If I’d known what game Mal was coming to, I would’ve planned around it or something.”
She let out a sharp laugh, and I watched as she ran her fingers through her ponytail. I thought about telling her the new nails looked nice, but I didn’t think flattery was the right way to deal with this.
“I understand that you’re dealing with a lot,” she said. “But I find it strange that you’ve been seeing Remi for this long and want to plan around your daughter coming to see you. Is there a reason you haven’t wanted him to meet us? Me, at the very least.”
“Of course not. I’m taking things slow. Like you said, this is a lot, and it’s all new.”
She nodded, but her eyes fell to the floor. “I didn’t mean to rush you. Truly, I didn’t. Actually, I saw the interview while we were waiting for the plane, but what was I supposed to do at that point? I couldn’t tell Mal we were canceling right then because I found out Remi was here.”
“How’d she find out? You didn’t . . .”
“Tell her? No. She does have access to the Internet, you know.”
“Sure, but I thought we were trying to keep her off of it as much as possible.”
“Did you want me to keep her phone from her for weeks? Months? I’m not going to be that mom, Amir.”
“You’re right,” I sighed. “Shit, I’m sorry I brought this down on us.”
“I want to be angry. I was at first. Maybe I still am.”
Gripping both of her biceps, I met her eyes. “If I could’ve done something to keep you from going through this, I would have.”
“You could’ve told me.”
“Yeah, I could’ve done that. I should have done that.”
“Why didn’t you?”
Suddenly, she looked small. I’d never needed to fight her battles, even though I would have in a heartbeat. To think that she’d been reduced to this state because of me was agonizing.
“I . . .”
I wanted to tell her, to release all of the lies and falsifications. But the truth was, I had a hard time classifying them that way because there was something between me and Remi. He might have told me nothing would come of it, but I wasn’t prepared to believe that either.
“If you don’t treat him like shit, how can he trust that you’re real?” Oli had asked me.
“I don’t understand what that means.”
“Remi runs headfirst into red flags because those people reinforce what he believes about himself. You get it?”
“I think so.”
“Anywho, I’m not here to give you lessons. The best way forward, if you want to go forward, is to crack him open like a coconut. AKA, bang his freaking head on the ground if that’s the only option. Don’t worry. He’s a little broken already, but he’s not breakable, if that makes sense.”
Yeah, I wasn’t done with Remi Keane, so for all intents and purposes, we were fucking dating.
“Amir?”
I met Avery’s blue eyes. “I’m afraid.”
“Of what? Being gay in the open?”
I shook my head. “Of doing all this—bringing Remi around, introducing him to you, to Mal—and then being wrong. Of going through all of it just to start over again. I don’t want to put either of you through that.”
She surprised me by laughing, a soft sound that had no edge to it. She lowered herself to the ground, so I sat with her. I watched as she crossed her legs like she used to when we were teenagers up on the hill behind her house, waiting for shooting stars.
“What’s funny about that?” I asked.
“It’s funny because it’s so normal, and none of this has felt normal.”
“I want to be a good dad.” Looking down at our joined hands, I felt an ache rising, one that I’d pushed away since I first accepted that I couldn’t stay married to Avery. “I always wanted to be a good husband to you, but I couldn’t.”
“Stop that, Amir. You can’t beat yourself up for something like this. You were the best husband, and considering what I know now, I can’t imagine what you were going through that entire time. I’m the one who should feel guilty.”
“For what? You never did anything wrong.”
She sniffled and squeezed my hand. “This entire time, ever since you first brought up the divorce, I’ve refused to accept it. I thought you needed time, that if I just waited and gave you your space, you’d come back to me.”
“Avery . . .”
“No, this is a good thing, because you told me it wasn’t anything I did, but I could never believe that. Now, I can accept it. I won’t lie and say that I’m not still in love with you. That feels unfair, but it’s the truth. At least I can work toward the future, though.”
“There’s always going to be a part of me that loves you,” I said.
Swiping her fingers beneath her eyes, she smiled. “I like Remi, you know.”
“You do?”
“He’s . . . different, but he’s genuine. There’s something inside him that I think will be good for you.”
“Yeah,” I agreed quietly. “I think so too.”
“I have a feeling it’ll bring out a part of you we’ve both lost somewhere along the way.”
“What part did we lose?”
“I don’t know exactly, but I think we’ll both find it again, just not with each other. And that’s okay.”
I wrapped my arms around her shoulders. It was freeing in its own way, and just like that, one of the things that had been weighing me down drifted away.