Chapter 22 #2
“Oh. Well, I don’t actually know anymore.
” I tugged on a strand of my hair as I thought about the last time I’d seen him, before I got transferred to a new home.
“You don’t seem like the type who needs me to sugarcoat things, so I’ll be brutally honest. Aiden wanted peace, which is probably what made him stick a needle in his arm.
” I brushed my thumb over the inside of my elbow.
“Sometimes, we’re so desperate for a break from our lives that we turn to things that are bad for us.
All I can do is hope that he eventually found his way.
“As you grow up, everyone will tell you not to do drugs, but I’m going to be the first. No matter how hard life gets, you have to remember that you’re strong enough to handle it, and those damn things will only make you weak.
It’s better to have it hard than to become someone that you don’t recognize.
So, promise me you’ll never touch any of that. ”
She dipped her head, which was good enough for me. She was only nine, but I was also nine when unholy hands reached into my world and tore it open, and nothing was ever the same.
“Aiden and I hated being touched too,” I said.
She glanced at me, and I nodded slowly. “We had different reasons, but that didn’t matter.
I think that was part of why we connected.
Sometimes I still hate it, if it surprises me.
It makes me angry, and even after practicing as long as I have, it can be hard to stop myself from reacting. ”
“There’s nothing wrong with me.”
Her words caught me off guard, and I leaned forward. “Of course there’s nothing wrong with you. Why would you think that?”
“People act like it. When I talk to them.”
“Is that why you don’t talk?”
Her finger traced her lip as her eyes moved around, not focusing on anything in particular. “It’s hard.”
“Tell me how.”
“I say the wrong thing and they look at me funny.”
“Let them look at you funny. You don’t owe anyone. Not your words or anything else inside of you.”
“Too simple.”
“Yeah, I know. I learned a long time ago, though, that sometimes there’s more power in what you don’t do.
If you keep the important things close to your chest, nobody can take them from you.
They can take a hundred other things, but not those.
” Looking up at the sky, I squinted at the sun.
“I figured that out a little too late. I let the people who hurt me rule my emotions, and let me tell you, it made things a lot worse—for them, but most importantly, for me.”
“So, there’s something wrong with you too.”
In any other instance, I would have emphatically said yes. I would have turned it into a joke. But there was something in her eyes that eradicated every flippant response that was second-nature to me.
I reached forward, but I stopped short, just holding my hands there. A few seconds passed, then she leaned closer, so I gently took both sides of her neck and made sure she was looking at me, even though she didn’t meet my eyes.
“If it’s wrong to be different from other people, then I’m happy to be wrong with you, Little Valkyrie.”
“But two wrongs don’t make a right.”
I breathed a laugh, though she didn’t seem to mean it as a joke.
“Who made the damn rules? You know, we’re told that Odin sacrificed himself to himself in order to gain more knowledge.
Confusing, I know, but stick with me. See, he needed to learn all that he could, but he also warned against the perils of being too wise, because infinite wisdom betrays the fatalistic nature of life.
If even the gods fear the road ahead, then we’re allowed a little grace in this wild world. ”
She seemed to contemplate that, so I released her and folded my hands in front of me while I waited. If I’d learned anything, it was that her mind was always working, even when she appeared idle.
Without saying anything, she stood. I hurried to step in front of her when she started to walk away.
“You’ll have to communicate,” I said. “Just a smidge.”
She pointed behind me, so I turned to look over my shoulder. There was another Mustang, but to me, it looked a lot like the last one. When I returned my attention to her, she held up the little car.
“Same.”
A smile curved my lips. “Alright, but are you going to be okay?”
She shrugged, which made me frown.
“If you’re not okay, you don’t run off,” I told her. “I know that’s hard, but I can’t risk losing you. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
“How about a code word? Will you remember to use it if you get overwhelmed?”
Her lips pushed outward as she thought about it. “Yes.”
“Okay. We’ll go with ‘raven’. And after you say it, you’re going to do one thing while I shove everyone away from you. You’re going to breathe. Just breathe.”
“Breathe,” she repeated. “Sounds stupid.”
“You think everything’s stupid.”
I pulled my headphones out of my backpack, then settled them over her ears and made sure the noise-canceling feature was on.
I held out my hand, not expecting her to take it, but she surprised me.
We walked through the crowd together, and I shot menacing looks at anyone who got too close.
When we were in front of the Mustang, a smile split her face, and she released me to pose in front of it like the last one.
A flicker of doubt made my hands shake as I took the picture. When Oli met Dean’s family for the first time, he’d expressed a similar fear: What if I get used to this?
In his case, he’d never known what family was like.
That sudden feeling of belonging had scared the shit out of him because it was entirely foreign to him, and the thought of it disappearing was unimaginable.
I was sure that was the real reason he’d never had any desire to learn who his parents were or why he’d gone into foster care the moment he was born, despite his claim that the past didn’t matter to him.
He had been afraid to belong for the first time because not a single person had ever wanted to keep him, despite how pure and perfect he was.
He believed that was better, and I’d never thought it important to tell him he was wrong.
Sure, he didn’t have that baggage to carry around, that tangible loss, but I would never give up the too-brief period of time when I got to know the love of my parents.
I didn’t let myself think of them if I could help it, but like I’d told Amir, it was the memory of the feeling rather than the memories themselves that stuck with us. And that I remembered vividly.
As I looked at this girl with her tie-dye shirt, some knots in her hair, and a car in her hand, I was overcome by the truth that was written in the stars of my fate. No amount of knowledge could alter it, just like nine days and nights on Yggdrasil couldn’t free Odin from the inevitable.
The truth was, I didn’t deserve these people. Not Amir, and especially not Mal. Maybe in another life, but not this one. Eventually, I broke everything I touched. Cole had reminded me of that often enough.
A month wasn’t enough for Amir to see who I really was. Despite all of my healing and the ways I’d remade myself, I was still the same nine-year-old boy beneath the surface: lost, broken, stripped of the light that burned inside a human soul.
It wasn’t that I was afraid this would slip away from me. I knew that it would, or more likely, it would be ripped away, leaving me digging, digging, digging, never able to find the bones that had left me hollow.
I painted on a bright smile as I pointed to a gorgeous car a couple rows down. “What about that one?”
She nodded and grabbed my hand, pulling me with her. I took out my phone to send a text to Amir so he wouldn’t worry. As long as she was enjoying herself, I didn’t want to rush her. This was how good memories were made, after all.