Chapter 24
Amir
Once Mal was asleep, I left her room. Remi wasn’t in the kitchen anymore, not that I’d expected him to wait around. It was dark inside, only some light from the moon coming through the windows to guide me across the apartment.
With my hand on the doorknob, I took a breath. As soon as I opened it, my mouth went dry.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
Remi didn’t answer. He zipped up his backpack and lifted it off the bed. My eyes went to the duffel by the footboard, right next to his shoes. When he put one on, I came to the realization that things were about to go sideways.
“Stop.”
He let out a sigh. “Let’s not do this, Amir.”
“Maybe you’ll enlighten me as to what this is.” I gestured at his bag. “Were you planning to leave without a word?”
He lifted one shoulder. “It depends.”
“On what?”
“If you caught me.”
I scoffed. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“I heard what Avery said back at the field. And look, I get it. I’ve broken your trust, so I’m going to head out so you don’t have to push me out.”
“Avery will calm down.”
“Yeah? Did she agree to let Mal stay?” When I pursed my lips, he breathed a dry laugh. “Thought so.”
“Running away isn’t the answer, Remi.”
“Running? I intend to walk very gracefully, actually.”
“Don’t shut down like this.”
“I’m doing what’s best for everyone. Clearly, you can’t escape these damned articles if I’m around, so you should get back to your normal life.”
“Normal life, huh?” I marched closer to him, and he assessed me carefully but didn’t budge.
“I don’t have one of those anymore. Nothing is how it was supposed to be.
My marriage ended, my daughter only lives with me every other week, and I have to be mindful of every little step I take. Does that sound normal to you?”
“You seem to be figuring it out.”
“That’s the thing. We’re all figuring it out, you included.”
“I’m throwing a wrench in it all. You know that.”
I shook my head hard. “If anything, I’m the one who’s done that. I upended Avery’s whole life, took a future from her that she planned with me.”
“That’s not your fault.”
“It doesn’t matter. I still did that. You don’t get to act like you’re doing some service to us by removing yourself when I’m the one who broke it.”
Something in his expression softened. “You deserve to live authentically.”
“But I’m not, am I? I’m living a lie right now. I’ve just changed its face.”
“Then stop freaking lying.”
“Apparently, I can’t. When I try, this goddamn world throws more at me. Article after article, all ripping me apart, over and over. And you’re not fucking helping.”
“I know. That’s why I’m leaving.”
“Do you think that’ll fix it? It’ll just be another story.”
“You chose this,” he pointed out, his voice escalating. “As long as you’re afraid of what everyone in the world thinks of your pretty little image, you’ll have no chance of rebuilding your life.”
“And how should I do that, huh? Let you leave? Send you away?”
“Sure, if I’m standing in your way.”
With a growl, I dug my fingers into my scalp. When he slung his backpack over his shoulder, I grabbed it and tossed it onto the bed.
His eyes flashed with a warning. “What are you waiting for, Amir? I’m the lie, right?
Get rid of me and you can have it all, but first you have to look in the fucking mirror and admit that you are afraid, because like Mal, you can’t sort through it all, so that’s why you focus on feeling guilty for the divorce instead of learning how to exist after it.
You want to fake your way through life and turn your back on anything the world looks down on.
Hell, you almost walked away from me at the bar when there was no reason to. ”
“I should have.”
“Yeah, probably, so why didn’t you?”
“Because . . .” I looked toward the window, unable to put it into words, or maybe unwilling to.
“Let me guess,” he said. “It was some sort of villainy on my part. I’ll make this easy for you.”
He reached across the bed to grab his bag, but I stepped in front of him. “Where are you going?”
“Removing myself before we actually start hating each other.”
“Can you stop turning this into something it’s not?”
“I already know where it’s going, so what’s the point?”
“God damnit, stop.”
“It was fun while it lasted.” His familiar smirk settled on his lips. “I needed the vacation, but Florida isn’t really my jam.”
My nose wrinkled as I looked at him. His demeanor was so easygoing that it was almost possible to believe he truly didn’t care. “Who the hell are you right now?”
“I’m always me.”
“No, you’re making this about you.”
“What can I say? I’m selfish. Why do you think I named the bar after myself?”
“I don’t know since you can’t stand to look at yourself in the mirror most days.”
Something changed in his eyes, betraying him. “You don’t know what I do most days. You don’t know me at all.”
“I thought you were an asshole not too long ago, drifting along on vibes, not a care in the world.”
“Close.”
“No, I don’t think so. But I bet that’s what you want to be.” I closed the distance between us again and gripped the strap of his bag, but he held on to it. “You’re a liar, too, Remi.”
“Every question you’ve asked, I’ve answered with truth. The things that would make other men hide in shame, I wear on my sleeve if someone is brave enough to approach it. Can you say the same?”
“If not shame, what makes you absolutely despise yourself?”
A snarl formed on his lips. “Fuck you, Amir.”
“Seriously? That’s where we’re at?”
“When you’re sitting in your ivory tower feeling sorry for yourself because life’s not perfect? Yeah. Fuck you.”
“Yeah, yeah. Your life’s always been a mess. Poor Remi with his traumatic childhood. I get it.”
He smiled in a way that made spiders crawl down my spine. “Oh, you think that’s what it is? Please, tell me more.”
“You lost your parents to drugs. I imagine that took its toll. Life with addicts must’ve been its own hell, but that doesn’t give you a pass to attack me because my problems aren’t big enough.”
A short, sharp laugh escaped him. Covering his mouth, he began to laugh harder.
“What on Earth could be funny right now?” I asked.
“You’re still making assumptions, and you’re very bad at it.”
“Maybe you’ll finally explain.”
He became serious again. “I don’t owe you anything.”
“I never said you did.”
“Good, then we’re on the same page.”
“I guess so, but . . . Never mind.”
“Gods, just for once, say how you’re really feeling, not what everybody else wants to hear. It’s your last chance anyway.”
“Okay, I’m afraid!” I threw my arms to the side. “Is that what you expect me to say? Mal could’ve gotten hurt today.”
“Yeah, she could’ve.”
“And you—” I cut off with a humorless laugh. “You’re acting like it’s all fine and fucking dandy.”
“It is fine! I dealt with it. No harm, no foul or whatever.”
“Then why the hell are you leaving?”
“Because nobody else sees it that way. Not you, not Avery, and especially not all the people eating up these goddamned articles.”
“You don’t even care about the articles.”
“But you do. For some reason, you’re obsessed with the image you put out to the world, and all that’s happened since you met me is it’s become completely warped.”
“It’s fixable,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Sure, maybe if we dance around these proper processions, pretending to be something we’re not.”
“I told you I’m not pretending. This is real.”
“But this”—he gestured at himself—”is not. What happens when she decides to keep digging? Mysterious drifter to troubled foster kid to—” He looked away, and his throat bobbed. “Worse.”
“If you’re worried about how they’ll portray you—”
“I’m worried about you, you fucking idiot. Damn my reputation to hell. I ripped off my skin ages ago, and believe me, there’s no getting it back.” He held his arm out, and his expression took on a terrifying determination. “If ever I have to sacrifice something . . .”
“This isn’t one of those damn poems, Remi. It’s real life.”
“Then let me be the first to tell you that you don’t understand poetry.”
Pushing past me, he bent to grab his duffel from the floor. I watched him with an ache in my chest as he took a step toward the door. Whoever he’d morphed into, it wasn’t the man I’d come to know, and somewhere inside of me, I knew that it wasn’t really him.
He was pushing me away, taking the easy way out. The signals weren’t exactly mixed, but they were completely wrong.
“Don’t leave,” I said.
“Relationships end all the time. It won’t be hard to spin it. You can even blame it on me if you want.”
“I don’t want to do that.”
“Whatever works best for you.”
“We don’t have to break up,” I insisted before he could make it out of the room.
He stopped and let out a sigh as he turned around. “Eventually we do, so let’s get it over with.”
“Is that what you want?”
“I’m just along for the ride here, man. No opinion.”
My heart raced as I stared into his eyes. They were closed off, but Oli was right. There was truth in there, hidden behind walls he thought were impenetrable. They weren’t.
I marched right up to him and grabbed him by the back of the neck.
Too quickly for him to do anything about it, my lips slammed into his.
I poured out the emotions that had been building the entire time we’d been doing this, plus all the ones that had appeared today.
It was my fear, my anger, my desperation. My desire, my hope, my love.
“No opinion?” I repeated against his lips before I kissed him again. The duffel thudded onto the floor. “No fucking opinion, Remi?”
I walked him backward, and when he hit the door, it clicked shut.
Now that I had him in a better position to keep him from leaving, I pulled back and lifted my hand to touch his face.
He flinched, turning his head abruptly to the side, and it froze me to the spot.
His breaths became erratic, his chest rising and falling too fast.
With slower movements, I caught a tear from his cheekbone.
His lip trembled, but he pushed my hand away and lifted his chin, standing at his full height so he was taller than me.
He was less guarded, and what I saw in him split open my chest. I couldn’t decide what exactly he was consumed by, but I knew that it hadn’t started with me.
Complete and utter terror looked back at me. I hadn’t been shy about telling him how I felt this entire time, but here he was, thinking I was going to . . . what? Hit him?
“Baby,” I said, my voice low. “I’m not going to hurt you. I would never hurt you.”
“Let me go.”
“No.”
“I don’t want to do this.” His words rang out clear despite the emotions in his eyes.
“And I don’t believe you.”
“It’s . . . It’s not going to work. We’re not right for each other, okay?”
“If you want out, you’re going to have to walk your ass right out that door, not make pathetic attempts to push me away.”
“Why aren’t you mad right now?” he asked in a small voice.
“I am mad, but two things can be true at once.”
“What things?”
“You pissed me off. And I want you to stay.”
Something like a whimper left his lips. With exaggerated slowness, I cupped his face.
This time, he moved in to kiss me. He dropped his backpack and wrapped his arms around my neck.
Out of habit, I took him by the backs of the thighs and lifted him.
Even though he was much heavier than Avery had ever been, I didn’t let him fall.
His legs wrapped around me like he had no fear, and I decided that, no matter what it took, I had to make sure he felt like that every moment of every day.
For some reason, I didn’t want to set Remi down, so I carried him into the bathroom. He didn’t protest, even when I slammed him against the wall. In fact, he seemed turned on by it, judging by the way he moaned into my mouth.
“If you’re here to take a shit—”
“Shower,” I interrupted.
“No.” His mouth went to my neck, and he inhaled deeply. “You’re perfect like this.”
“Exactly what brand of crazy are you?”
“Maybe all of them.”
I ran my fingers through his hair. “Do you want to stay?”
“I suppose.”
“Let’s backtrack, actually, because I know you have a habit of freaking out, but there’s something I have to say first.”
“I didn’t freak out.”
“Mm, then I’ll just say it. I’m falling for you, and I’ve been doing it since the moment I walked into your bar and saw you behind that counter.”
As he stared at me, he drew in heavy breaths. When he dropped his feet to the floor, I thought he would run, so I tightened my grip on him.
“What are you thinking?” I asked.
“It’s . . .” His brow furrowed and his lips turned down. “Your touch is my salvation, trembling on the brink, a chalice brimming black with doubt and fire. I clutch it close, though every sip, I think, may spell the end of all that I desire.”
I tried to keep up, sorting the meaning inside the verses. “I won’t hurt you, Remi.”
“Every kiss is shadowed by a toll, a raven perched upon my heart’s decay. What warmth you hold may cost me all my soul, and still I’d beg the night it not delay.”
“Are you coming up with this on the spot?”
He shook his head.
“There’s no ticking clock,” I said. “No breaking up. I’m here if you’re here.”
His eyes closed, and his lip began to tremble. “Love be my torment or my last reprieve; just don’t be the ghost I wake to grieve.”
He surged forward, capturing my lips.
Had he told me that he was also falling for me? I had no clue. Poetic verse wasn’t a language I spoke, but I was about ninety-nine percent positive that was what happened.
“You don’t need to shower,” he decided, pushing me through the doorway.
“But I smell—”
“Like a man.” With his nose against my neck, he groaned. “Besides, that was a sex kiss, so you’re going to get fucking filthy all over again.”