Chapter Sixteen
Sixteen
His question stopped her heartbeat. The calm, honest way he asked it snatched her breath.
Just before he’d asked that question, Jamilah thought she’d seen a flicker of forgiveness in his eyes, fondness even.
His expression changed, his tone low and direct.
His eyes probed into her soul and demanded an honest answer.
She searched for it, too. Her point of view morphed in the moment.
New rules were being written in her head and heart.
“When Daddy called with your background report, I was quick to tell him I knew all about it. That you’d been honest from the jump about doing time and just getting out of prison.
Being a career officer with a life spent around criminals, no doubt his opinion is jaded.
Still, I defended you, Rashad. Told my dad he was wrong.
That the report contained what you did, not who you were. ”
“And after that?”
Jamilah hesitated, took a deep breath. “My dad helped me get this place, helped me get a loan, cosigned the lease. He became very adamant about you not working here. Used the rhetoric I’ve heard since a child and, yes, was very convincing.
When he gets like that, there’s no changing his mind. So I changed mine. I’m sorry.”
His hand rested on the table. She reached out and grabbed it, because if she didn’t, she might float away on a sea of raging emotions.
He looked at their hands and back at her. Now along with strength and pride was something else. Something almost intangible. Vulnerability? No, Jamilah deduced. Never that.
“That I would ever make anyone feel the way you did—not valued, dispensable—is not acceptable at all. Will you forgive me?”
He stared for a beat, then looked away.
She reached out, now holding his hand with both of hers. Crazy how his energy worked like an anchor, settling her deeper into her truth. “Please?”
Something happened then. She felt it and was sure he did, too.
A sensation, raw heat, that brushed over her skin like a summer kiss.
An unnamable emotion seeped out of them both, intermingled, and poured itself over the moment.
She wanted to kiss him. Ridiculous: this was the man who, at her dad’s command, she’d been prepared to fire.
But his eyes, lips, and more than anything his words pulled her in.
She closed her eyes and imagined it, was just about to toss fate to the wind when…
“I forgive you.”
She drew a breath. Squeezed his hand, then quickly released it in hopes that breaking contact would also break the seductive spell.
“Thank you.” For several seconds, they simply looked at each other. Finally, Jamilah held up her glass.
“To new beginnings?”
He played with the stem of his glass but didn’t pick it up. “We’ll see.”
“I’m an unapologetic daddy’s girl,” Jamilah said, setting down her glass without drinking to answer the question he’d asked.
She thought of her dad and smiled. “You and I grew up in different worlds—mine, suburban, middle-class. I make no apologies for that, nor for my dad’s attitude.
Like you said, environment and experiences shape us.
The father I’ve always known is a law-abiding, no-nonsense, straight-line kind of guy.
A stint in the military and a career in law enforcement made him fairly rigid as well.
He sees life in black-and-white. Not even one shade of gray.
I’m not saying it’s right. Just the way it is.
And it’s how I was taught. But we’re not completely dissimilar. When I was ten, my mom…”
Jamilah hesitated. Very few people knew what she was about to share. Not even Blair or Leon, whom she considered great friends. But since the system made sure anyone with money and an internet connection could reveal Rashad’s history, she felt it only fair that she share her secrets, too.
She began again, with more resolve. “When I was ten, my mom left my dad.”
Rashad’s eyes widened ever so slightly. He nodded once, silent encouragement that boosted her courage.
“I won’t get into the long version right now, but the short one is that she reunited with her first love, had an affair, and moved with him to another state to begin a new life.
Like most kids, I thought her leaving was my fault.
That somehow I wasn’t good enough for her to stick around.
Unlike you, however, Daddy recognized my depression and put me in therapy.
I went for five years. My therapist is still on speed dial. ”
“I’m sorry that happened to you, Jam. Life ain’t fair.”
“It was horrible. Created all kinds of abandonment and insecurity issues. Made me cling even tighter to my father. He became a larger-than-life hero in what had become an unstable world.”
“Where’s your mom now?”
“Denver.”
“Do y’all talk?”
Jamilah shrugged. “A little more now than before. After almost twenty years that included having a son with her new husband, they got divorced. She started reaching out, invited me to Denver for the holidays two years ago. Guess becoming a single mother caused her to imagine what it was like for Dad.”
“Did you go?” Jamilah nodded. “How was it?”
“Awkward as hell. It’s a little late for her to step into the mother role, but one day, who knows? Maybe we can be friends.”
“I can see now how what your father says means so much. And why you don’t want to disappoint him or go against his rules. And he helped start your business? That’s a tough spot.”
“I may be giving him too much power,” Jamilah replied, a comment that came as a surprise to her own ears. “I shared a part of my life to let you know I can identify with the feeling of being discarded. That’s why I would never…”
She hadn’t cried from that memory for over a decade and couldn’t afford the tears that now threatened. The last thing she wanted was to come off as a victim. To have Rashad feeling sorry for her was not the goal.
She held her jaw until the feeling subsided.
“My daddy loves me more than anyone on this earth. I trust him implicitly and rarely go against his advice. In the conversation you overheard, I agreed with him. Tonight, I’ve changed my mind.
I was wrong to think the way I did about you.
For judging you. For making a decision to terminate you based on your past alone.
My life has been good but not perfect. Nothing like what you’ve been through, but enough to know the kind of pain that can overshadow right thinking. ”
Rashad nodded slowly, with upturned lips that could pass for a smile.
He felt that stirring again, an emotional pull toward Jamilah that had nothing to do with Side Chic’k.
He tried to dismiss it, reminded himself that women weren’t to be trusted.
Thought about the casual hookup he’d just had to block.
Conjured up a mental picture of the ex who’d betrayed him.
Instead of resolve, he felt even more conflicted.
Jamilah was nothing like other women he’d known.
“Thank you for sharing your story with me, Jamilah. It’s not always easy opening up those doors and walking back into yesterday.”
“No, but I feel better that you know the truth, including the part of the conversation that you didn’t hear. My dad chose not to hear that part either. I know you’re a good guy. Guests at the party, customers at work, everyone likes you.”
He raised a brow. “Everyone?”
Again, that feeling. The one that made her want to take Blair’s suggestion and offer up body parts for his pleasure.
And then her father. You like him like him? Jamilah had sometimes chosen selective hearing as well.
“Everyone, me included. I meant what I said about being glad to have you in my kitchen. Working with you was easy, a smooth operation.”
“But I’m not welcome back there because of your dad.”
“You quit, remember?”
“And if I hadn’t?”
Jamilah stood and paced the length of the room. She returned to the table, drank the rest of her wine. “Ed did okay today, so I think he can handle this weekend. Next weekend, the job is yours if you want it. Meanwhile I have another offer, the catering gig. I’d like to bring you on as head chef.”
“Damn, girl!” Rashad became animated. “You’re really desperate, huh?”
“Depressingly so, and out of options. You said you forgave me. Will you come back?”
“What about your law-abiding, law-enforcement father? He already don’t like me. Your defying him won’t help.”
“You handle the kitchen. I’ll handle Daddy.”
“Standing ten toes down. That’s what’s up, Boss Lady. There’s only one thing. It’s regarding that probation.”
Jamilah waved away the comment. “Don’t worry about it. I don’t need ninety days to know you’re the man for this job.”
“I appreciate that, but I’m not talking about me. I’m talking about you.”
“Me?” She spoke with such incredulity that Rashad laughed out loud.
“Yeah. I’ll do the catering gig. Depending on how that goes, I’ll come back to work here. But there’s no guarantee I’ll stick around. Any problem with your father or lip from you, and I’m out.”
Said with such bluntness that Jamilah’s mouth opened and closed several times, like a fish out of water sucking air.
Rashad laughed again. “I’m mostly kidding about that last part, but I do need to see what the action behind those words looks like, see if you can really step back and let me run things.”
Jamilah shifted uncomfortably. “What exactly does my stepping back look like to you?”
“Not me taking over, but us working together. You trusting my skills for the catering event. With as many as you’re expecting us to feed, I need to work the way I work.
I’m going to need to know there’s one person in charge, and that’s me.
And back here, not throwing Blair’s bible at me, literally.
If everything works out…you know…we’ll see. ”
Jamilah didn’t hesitate. With the clock ticking like a time bomb, how could she?
Her relief wasn’t just about the catering gig either.
It was about not having Rashad walk out of her life completely so soon after arriving, of looking forward to their banter and working side by side.
Of maybe one day even letting him pet her kitty.
She laughed.
“What’s funny?”
“Something Blair said earlier.”
“About me?”
“Yes.”
“What’d she say?”
“To check my ego and try to get you back.”
“Sit down and be humble, huh?”
“Pretty much.” For the third time that night she held up her wine glass. “To my probation,” she said with clarity.
Rashad held up his glass as well. “Cheers.”