Chapter 32
Thirty-Two
ADDIE
“Ithought I explained that the reason I’ve been gone so much is because I need to be in control of everything right now?” Eli said, sounding incredulous.
“Yeah, but I found that out today. We had sex a week ago. What’s a girl to think?” I pointed out.
“Okay, fair. That was on me. I should have mentioned I was going to suddenly be working a lot more for the next couple of weeks.” He paused and pinched his bottom lip between his fingers before taking a deep breath.
“But you also didn’t make an effort to try and talk to me.
Every time I was home, you were behind a closed bedroom door.
If it wasn’t for the fact that you were leaving food out for me every night, I would have thought that you’d moved out.
” He squeezed my leg, and I felt the touch everywhere. “Thanks for that, by the way.”
“You’re welcome.” I prodded his bicep with my finger. “And I was only avoiding you because I thought you were avoiding me. You should know by now that I am nothing if not petty.”
“What adults we are.” He laughed as his hand moved up to rest on my lower thigh.
The pressure of his thumb pressing into my sore lower leg muscles was more soothing than distracting as I lamented over how shitty everything felt right now. It was safe. Nice. Relaxing.
But his hand on my lower thigh felt different. Heavier. More intentional. I could feel myself getting hotter. I cleared my throat.
I tried to shift my leg from under his touch, but he gently gripped my leg and held me there.
“Maybe we should behave like them now and finally have this conversation,” I said, squirming in my seat.
“I agree.” His thumb pressed into the inside of my knee, and my breath stuttered in my chest.
My intention for this conversation had always been that we should just put that night behind us and move forward as friends. We said ‘just once’ and I thought that we should mean it.
In this moment, I knew that wasn’t possible.
But something else was.
“I think we were silly to think we could get away with having sex and it not changing things. But I also don’t think we should pretend that it never happened. In fact, I think we should do it on a more regular basis.”
I studied Eli’s face to see what his immediate reaction was. It was a potentially dumb suggestion.
But it was the only one I could think of. Then maybe, at some point, I’d find something that would end this stupid crush I had on my flatmate.
And if overexposure didn’t work, then the rules we put in place would. Because the first rule was the golden rule.
Don’t fall in love.
I had never broken it.
Eli’s face didn’t give anything away. Even when he turned to look at me, his eyes looked neutral in the glow of the TV.
“So, like a friends with benefits thing?” he eventually asked, his thumb sweeping up and down my thigh.
I nodded slowly.
His thumb swept higher.
“Friends with benefits, it is. I guess we should set some ground rules within that framework?”
I nodded again. Relief and some other unnamed emotion swept through me at his agreement.
“No having sex with other people while we’re having sex with each other.” That one felt like a given, but still, best to make it explicit.
“Agreed. No having sex when driven by other feelings,” he provided.
I frowned. “Meaning?”
“Meaning we can’t use the other one to bury our emotions or use them as an outlet. For example, if I’m angry at something in the world, I can’t deal with that by having sex with you. Or if you’re upset, you can’t try to make yourself feel better by using me.”
That made sense. It was a good rule. I had used sex as a way to ignore whatever was going on with me way too many times in the past, and it never left me feeling better.
However, the rule worked in direct contrast to his physical behaviour. He knew I was wallowing, but his pinky finger was now teasing the hem of my shorts.
“Agreed. Where do we stand on condoms? I got tested when I came back home, and it was all clear. You are the only person I’ve had penetrative sex with since, but I can get fresh tests done. Otherwise, I am fine to go without if you are also comfortable with that.”
Eli didn’t need to know that I had never had sex without a condom before. And I didn’t need to analyse why I felt safe enough to ditch them with him.
His fingers stilled, right on the edge of my underwear. “I assume you’re on birth control?”
“Yeah, my IUD was replaced the same day I got tested.”
“I need to get tested. My last one was six months ago, and we used condoms the other day, but there is no need to risk it. How about we say condoms for now and then reassess once we’ve both tested again?”
“Agreed. How about anal?”
Again, I wasn’t going to look into why Eli felt like a safe space to explore that.
He laughed harshly. “With you? Not interested.”
Oh.
I don’t know why him saying it so plainly hurt. He was well within his rights to set the boundary. But still, it stung.
“Fine,” I huffed and tried to pull my leg away.
Eli squeezed my thigh gently, and I left it in his lap.
“I phrased that badly. If it’s something that you want to explore, then I am happy to give you the safe space to do it, but it will be with fingers and toys only.
I had a bad experience topping once, and I’ve never been able to enjoy giving anal sex since, so I don’t do it. ”
“Okay, I understand. How about the other way? Say I wanted to fuck you? Is that on the table?”
His fingers gripped my thigh tighter.
“Yes. It’s on the table. Any hard limits for you?”
Several. I took a deep breath and reeled them off.
“No choking, no excessive spanking, no spitting, no watersports. You can either tie my wrists or my ankles; you can’t tie both.
No being tied up and blindfolded at the same time.
Separately is fine. No overstimulation. When I say I’m done, I mean I am done.
You can pull my hair, but you can’t pull it, you know?
You can come literally anywhere you want on my body, but you cannot come on my face under any circumstances.
” I paused. “I would be open to being penetrated vaginally and anally at the same time, but you either have your fingers, your dick, or a dildo in my vagina at any one time.” Double penetration, another thing to add to the ‘don’t think too much about it’ list. “What about you?”
“No choking, no spanking at all, no excessive scratching, no watersports,” he reeled off quickly.
I looked at Eli in what I could only imagine was total disbelief. “That’s it? Everything else is fair game?” That list was so short. It almost, for a moment, made me feel bad about my extensive list. But, no, boundaries were good.
Eli nodded. “Yeah. But we both reserve the right to add more things, or take them off, if they change.”
“Obviously. Final two rules; let’s keep this between us. People will have opinions, and we don’t need them.”
He hesitated for a moment. “Fair. And your final rule?”
The easiest, most unbreakable rule of them all.
“No falling in love.”
Eli opened his mouth, then rolled his lips together.
“Terms agreed,” he eventually said. Slowly.
“Should we shake on it?” I teased.
“I have a better idea.” His pinky slipped into my underwear, the edge of his nail scratching along my scar.
“What happened to ‘we can’t use sex to mask feelings’?” I asked, while one of my legs slipped off his lap and my foot hit the floor.
“You’re not. And if you don’t want me to go any further, tell me now, but I think sealed with an orgasm is a pretty good way to make this official.”
I shifted my hips, and he rewarded me by brushing his fingers against my clit. “I think I like the sound of that.”