Chapter 37 Alex
ALEX
She’s slipping away a little more every day.
I can feel it.
The doctor tries to keep his voice neutral when giving updates, but I can hear what he’s not saying: She’s not getting better, she’s getting worse. We’re running out of time. We need a heart. We need a fucking miracle.
Liv and Sophia come by late in the afternoon, their arms full of flowers that Emma will probably hate—big, dramatic, too much pastel coloring for her dark soul.
But I know that she’d smile anyway, tell them they are beautiful.
It’s the kind of person she is. Always making other people feel like the most important person in the room, even when she’s the one fighting to stay alive.
After days, I finally work up the courage to leave the chair and go into the hallway, giving them a moment alone with her.
I need a second to breathe anyway, if I even remember how.
The second I’m outside the door, I lean back against the wall, closing my eyes for what feels like the first time in days.
The door clicks open a while later. Sophia walks to me first, giving me a quick hug before heading towards the waiting room. Liv trails after her, stopping in front of me, crossing her arms over her chest as she studies my face.
“You look like shit,” she says bluntly.
I huff out a laugh. “So I’ve been told.”
She shakes her head. “You’re not going to leave this hospital, are you?”
“No.”
She sighs. “Didn’t think so.” Then, after a pause, she tilts her head, looking at me like she’s seeing straight through me. “You know, I always figured there was something between you two.”
I blink. “What?”
Liv smirks. “Oh, come on, Alex. You were never as subtle as you may think.”
She has no idea how fucking long I’ve been in love with Emma or how many years I wasted pretending I wasn’t.
“I saw the way you used to look at her,” Liv continues. “Always protective, always in her orbit, always making sure she was okay. Even when she made it known that she hated you.” Her eyes flicker to my neck, and she gestures toward my tattoo. “The rose kind of gave it away, too.”
I tense. The tattoo has always been my secret. I’ve never told anyone the reason behind it.
Emma. She has always been the reason.
I got it done not long after she left Windhaven.
Her middle name is Rose, named after her mom’s favorite flower that became her favorite flower.
It was to remind myself that no matter where she was or where life took us, Emiliana would always be imprinted on my skin, exactly how she is imprinted on my soul.
Liv just shrugs. “I think deep down she knew, too. She just didn’t let herself believe it. But I’m glad you two finally figured it out yourselves.” She pauses, then adds. “She loves you, you know.”
The only thing that my body allows me to do at the moment is nod in agreement.
Liv lingers for a second like she wants to say something else, but then she gives me an unexpected hug and walks away, leaving me standing there with my heart in my throat.
I already knew Emma loves me. I feel it every time her eyes dilate at the sight of me, every time she says my name, every time she lets me hold her in my arms like she was made to live right there in them. But hearing it out loud from someone who knows her better than almost anyone… It wrecks me.
I take a deep breath before stepping back into the room.
Emma is still there, unmoving and slipping away.
I sit back down in the chair I’ve made my home, take her hand and press it to my lips.
“Hold on, baby,” I whisper. “Please.”
I trace my thumb over her knuckles, tracking slow, aimless circles. She’s always hated sitting still, always full of fire and movement. I know she would be so upset to find out how long she’s been laying here.
It’s fucking unbearable.
So I do what I’ve been doing every night. I read to her.
I made Cam bring me the copy of Pride and Prejudice from her house yesterday. He didn’t say anything about it when he handed it to me, simply gave me a long, knowing look before kissing Emma on the head and walking out.
He gets it now. He sees it.
I clear my throat, flipping to the page where I left off last. My voice comes out hoarse and quiet, but steady as I read.
“You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”
I pause, glancing at her, waiting for some kind of sign that she can hear me, that she knows I’m here.
I swallow and reread the paragraph.
“In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”
I close the book for a second, resting it against my thigh as I look at her. My heart feels something worse than broken. What could possibly be worse than that? I don’t know, but it feels like there is nothing left. Like she took every shattered piece of it with her, wherever she is.
I lift her hand to my lips, leaving a trail of kisses to her fingertips, knuckles, and palm.
“You know,” I murmur, “I get why you love this book so much.” I shake my head, a small, bitter smile tugging at the corner of my mouth.
“The way Darcy is a complete asshole at first? That checks out. The brooding? Yeah, I see the appeal. But mostly…” I exhale slowly.
“I think it’s the way he loves her. Without conditions.
Without holding back. Even when he doesn’t know how to say it right. ”
I squeeze my eyes shut for a second before looking at her again.
“That’s how I love you, Emiliana.”
I open the book again, and force myself to keep reading, because if I stop, if I let the fear creep in, I’ll fucking break more than I already am.