40. Casey
Casey
T he wedding is four days away. I sit in class, tapping my pen absently against my desk, listening to the professor go on and on.
I cannot stop thinking about Caleb. It’s been an entire week since we had sex, and my body knows it.
I doubt I’ve ever gone this long without it. But I want to take things slow.
Our night at the football field was perfect. We kissed and held hands, and it felt like the start of something new. Well, I know it isn’t new, but it feels like it. Feels like we can move on from the past and the hurt and the betrayal and just be together.
Since that night, he’s taken me out dancing in Redbud, and we attempted cooking together at my place. Each night, he’s gone home alone. He’s kept his distance physically, but I can tell it’s driving him just as crazy as it is me.
We talked about L.A., and what he did while he was out there. We talked about Derek. We talked about Hillary. No need in pretending we didn’t have someone else in our lives. We made goals, fantasized about the future together. Like I said, it’s been perfect and new.
But there was no sex. Am I crazy for implementing the no sex rule? It’s what we’re good at. Scratch that, it’s what we’re great at.
Thing is, I want us to be more than great sex. I want us to be great partners. Want us to be able to have a conversation without it ending in us yelling at each other. It can be done if it’s what we both want and I’m pretty certain we are finally on the same page with what we want.
The bell rings, and the class ends. I don’t even know what the lesson was about or if the professor gave any assignments.
I ask the person beside me, and she lets me know we just have to read the next three chapters.
I can handle that. Of course, if there were an assignment, it would be one more thing to keep me busy.
“Casey!” Jade yells when I exit the classroom.
I frown as she approaches, her blonde hair a mess. Not a trace of makeup. “You okay? Did Madden call off the wedding because if he did, I swear I’ll —”
“He didn’t,” she replies, her eyes watering with tears. “But maybe he should.”
“Where the hell is this coming from? Did his mom try to pull some shit again?”
“No. I just...what if he’s making a mistake with me?”
I throw my arm around her and start leading her away before she has a complete meltdown. “We’re going to go grab some lunch, and you can tell me why you suddenly feel this way.”
“I have class again at one o’clock. So do you.”
“We can skip. I’m not able to focus today.”
“Fine,” she says. “And you can tell me all about why you can’t focus.”
“Sounds good.”
We walk to my car, and she climbs into the passenger side, having opted to ride with me. Applebee’s is one of the go-to places for Redbud, so we head there. After being seated and placing our orders, I ask her to spill it.
“Honestly, it’s the wedding. I thought we were going to keep it small and simple, but every time I turn around, his mom has added more guests to the seating chart and more food to the menu.
It’s not what I want, but Madden seems to be happy with it.
I don’t want to ruin it for him. It’s his day too. ”
“Have you talked to him about it?”
“I tried. He said he didn’t care where we get married at or how many guests are there, so long as he marries me. And now we have the rehearsal dinner tonight and the wedding tomorrow, and none of it feels right.”
I stare at her dumbfoundedly. “And you think that means he likes what his mom is doing? Because that’s not the way I take it. Sounds to me like the two of you need to sit down and decide what you want and tell his mom to go fuck herself.”
She laughs. “I wish I could. She actually seemed excited, which is strange because I know she hates me. She gushed about my dress and told me how I should style my hair. She even gave me a diamond necklace to wear.”
“And it’s kind of nice, isn’t it?” I ask, and she sheepishly nods. “But is it genuine? I don’t know if that woman has a genuine bone in her body. So, I still say have your dream wedding the way you and Madden want it. If she is surprisingly being genuine, she will still love it.”
Jade breathes out a sigh of relief. “You’re right. I’m stressing myself out over nothing. Your turn.”
There’s no way to go into this one easily, so I just blurt it out, like ripping off a band-aid. “Caleb and I are giving it another shot.”
She arches an eyebrow. “When did this happen?”
“It’s kind of happened a few times already,” I answer. “But last week, we agreed to slow things down and get to know each other again. We’ve both been through a lot with our breakup, and we’ve both changed. Him more so than me, I think.”
“That’s not necessarily a bad idea,” Jade agrees. “The two of you love each other, that’s obvious. You know I support you in whatever you decide. I just want you to be happy. Besides, I kind of figured it might be coming when you dumped Derek.”
“Derek was never right for me. Christ, I wanted him to be.”
“We all knew that. But what makes you think things will be different this time around with Caleb?”
“We want the same things and after...Jade, I need to tell you something. Something I haven’t told anyone.”
“Of course.”
“When all that shit went down with Tori, I had just found out I was pregnant. It clearly wasn’t planned.
I’ve been on the pill for years, but I missed a few here and there and didn’t think anything about it.
” Her eyes go wide, and she reaches across the table to hold my hand, giving me the strength to continue.
“Caleb was shocked, just like I was. He didn’t handle it well.
He was worried about us not having any money or our own place, which looking back now, I know those fears were valid.
It didn’t matter at the time. I threw him out, told him I was done with him. ”
“And he got drunk and hooked up with Tori.”
“Yes. Even though he still swears he didn’t sleep with her.
When I found out, I was outraged, as you can imagine.
I confronted him, screaming and yelling.
He begged me to forgive him, but I wasn’t having it.
I was so pissed, I couldn’t see straight and all I wanted to do was get away from him.
Like a total klutz, I fell down the steps, and there was this instant pain in my belly.
Caleb drove me to the hospital, holding my hand the entire way, but it was too late. I’d lost the baby.”
“And you blamed Caleb.”
“I did. Maybe a part of me still does. I just couldn’t stop thinking that maybe if he hadn’t left for that party, or hadn’t messed up with Tori, this wouldn’t have happened. We both hurt each other so much and for so long. Am I delusional for thinking it could work?”
She shakes her head. “Absolutely not. The fact that the both of you want to fight for this, for each other, speaks volumes. What happened was horrible, but it happened, and neither of you can change that. What you can do is move forward. Start over. If that’s what you want.”
“It is. I know that it is.”
“Okay, can I ask you something then? Why are you waiting? Why are you taking things slow when you’re both on the same page now?”
Good question.