Chapter 27 – Sophie
27
SOPHIE
T he end of May is approaching, and I have started to find my groove here in Cape May. I watch Lucy every day for Liam, most days Ellie helps out too. He has tried to pay me, but I haven’t cashed any of his checks. I love spending time with Lucy and in many ways, I think she is helping me feel like I can move forward. Lucy may not be mine, but the bond we’ve developed has healed the gaping hole in my heart left there by years of infertility.
Liam works every day and only joins us for dinner a couple of nights a week but being with him is easy. Sunday yoga is the highlight of my week because when I am with Liam, I feel like it’s a different time in my life, before I was calloused with heartbreak. Liam makes me feel free from the burden of past hurts. I don’t tell him much about James or my divorce because he doesn’t ask, and it's not exactly an easy thing to bring up out of thin air. It’s almost like I get to be someone else entirely.
A week ago, James called to tell me that the house is officially listed and the realtor thinks it will go fast. This should have made me happy but as soon as I hung up the phone I had a good cry. I haven’t cried over it in weeks.
I still haven’t thought about whether I want to open a practice of my own or if I just want to be Lucy’s nanny forever. I know that can't really happen because eventually my money will dry up, but a girl can dream.
I keep seeing Dr. Stevens who tells me not to rush healing. This is something I know, obviously, however, I can’t help but push myself. My attraction to Liam grows every time I spend any amount of time with him, but lately, it seems like he’s avoiding seeing me at all. I find myself desperately looking for a reason to text him or see him more beyond the usual drop-off and pick-up.
I feel ready to move on, but now I worry that the moment has passed for us. As time goes on, I am getting impatient. I have never been good at sitting still but the more time that passes without being able to move on to something new, the more antsy I am. I’m trying to tell myself that Liam is giving me time to heal from my divorce and that he’ll be there when I’m really ready, but I’m still in a funk.
Today, Liam is trying to bring me out of it. It’s the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend and the town is buzzing with summer excitement. There are tourists everywhere, and now that I’m kind of a local, it’s really annoying me. Our evening yoga class relaxed me enough but as soon as I step back out onto the street, I feel grumpy again.
I huff angrily at having to wait to cross out onto the sidewalk.
“What’s with you, Soph?” Liam bumps his shoulder into mine. “You’re crabby.” He gives me a lazy smile that makes my heart do somersaults.
“I’m just cranky, I guess. I’m stuck. I’m not moving forward.” I pout. “I’m tired of healing. I want to be healed .”
“Come on, you know as well as anyone that takes time, Sophie.” Liam touches my arm. Then he gestures ahead. “Come on, I’ll get you a smoothie.” We fall into step together and once we’re outside the smoothie place, he stops. The line is long. I roll my eyes.
“Look, why don’t you save this bench for us, and I’ll go in and get the smoothies,” he says.
“Okay.” I plop down on the green metal bench directly behind me and put my yoga mat next to me so no one thinks they can join me.
“Your usual Pink Pitaya?” he asks with a grin.
“Don’t act like you know me,” I pout with a scowl.
Liam just smiles and shakes his head, waiting for confirmation.
I let out an exasperated sigh. “Yes, please,” I mumble.
Amidst my people watching, an entire wedding party comes walking down the street with the bride and groom, making my bad mood worse. The bride and groom look to be in their late twenties, and they are elated. The wedding party follows along behind them with their respective dates and the photographers are catching candid shots. As bad luck would have it, I’m scanning the happy faces in the group just in time to see one so familiar to me, I would recognize it anywhere.
James .
In Cape May.
He isn’t dressed like the groomsmen. He’s wearing a pair of tan chinos and a pale blue button down with an open collar. And those damn blue light glasses he thinks make him look smart. But he looks good.
I’m still sweaty from yoga and walking. I imagine my wild hair is a complete disaster.
On his arm is none other than Brittany, in a pale peach chiffon dress that matches the bridesmaids, with an empire waist that accentuates her newly swollen belly. My heart catches in my throat.
I make every effort to look away but it’s too late. James sees me, and he stops right in front of me. Brittany keeps walking until she realizes he stopped and then she comes marching back over.
“Sophie,” he says. His voice comes out like the water went down the wrong pipe and he’s trying to find it again.
I slowly stand and meet his remorseful eyes. Brittany is by his side now and grasps his arm. “Hi,” I say, uncertainly.
James doesn’t say anything else, but he doesn’t take his eyes off me. I’ll admit, that feels kind of good. Brittany obnoxiously clears her throat and rubs her belly. James looks down at her and says, “You go on ahead with the wedding party. I’ll catch up.” She looks up at him as if she wants to argue but he gives her a look that says please, and she huffs away.
“H-how are you?” he asks, reaching for me. A hug feels superficial at this point, so I don’t reach in return. His hand grazes my arm and he lets it fall. I notice when he touches me that I don’t feel anything. It’s nothing like when Liam touches me. There is no electricity, just too much pain.
“I’m okay.” I shrug. “Good, actually.” I force a smile. I can’t let him see what this is doing to me. “What are you doing here?” I ask, remembering how when I brought him here, he thought it was nothing special.
“Brittany’s friend from college got married today. She’s in the wedding party.” James looks over my shoulder, and I know he’s looking for Brittany. She must catch his eye because a moment later, she’s back at his side.
I nod in understanding just as Liam comes out of the shop. I can feel his presence before he’s even at my side. Thank god for Liam because at the exact moment he hands me my smoothie, I catch a glimpse of a sparkling engagement ring on Brittany’s finger. My jaw drops. James catches on to what I have noticed. Liam is standing next to me, trying to figure out what it is that he just stepped into. He moves closer and I lean into him for support.
Liam holds out his hand to James and says, “Hey, I’m Liam.”
James, a few inches shorter and several pounds lighter than Liam, seems to have a realization of his own and grips Liam’s hand in return.
Is that jealousy I am detecting?
“James.” Then, gesturing to his fianceé, he says, “This is Brittany.”
I am still trying to find my voice, and when it comes out it sounds like an incredulous sob. “You’re engaged? Our divorce isn’t even final.” I feel myself becoming hysterical. My throat tightens and my sweaty hands are trembling with rage.
Liam puts his arm around me to steady me. He kisses the side of my head and rubs my back, but he doesn’t speak. We both wait for James to respond.
“Well, I mean, Brittany’s parents were really upset about a baby out of wedlock.” James fumbles his words. He looks at his feet, then at Brittany, then finally back at me. He never once looks at Liam. Liam tenses beside me. He must be seething on my behalf.
“Out of fucking wedlock? Do her parents know what a trampy little homewrecker she is? That you were very much in wedlock with someone else when you knocked her the fuck up?” I sputter. I am unhinged, sucking in rapid, angry breaths. I take a step closer to Brittany and narrow my eyes. I feel Liam’s hand on the small of my back, a warning to pull back. “You are a nasty human being to steal someone else’s husband.” I spat at her and then back to James. “You are a disgrace of a man.” Neither one of them can meet my eye. “I wish you the best. You deserve each other,” I snarl and stomp away.
I am around the corner, in an alleyway, leaning against a cool brick wall and heaving huge uncontrollable sobs when Liam finds me with my yoga mat tucked under his arm. He doesn’t say anything, but he pulls me into a hug that would rival Simon’s and lets me cry. I’m not sure how long we stay there. When my sobs turn to hiccups, I pull back and glance up at Liam, ashamed of my outburst, but he is only looking at me with compassion.
Liam takes his big, calloused thumb and wipes the tears off my face. He puts his hands on either side of my face and kisses my forehead, then wraps me in another tight hug. “Can I take you somewhere?” he whispers. I nod, burrowing further into his chest.
* * *
Fifteen minutes and an Uber ride later, Liam and I are at Sunset Beach. The sun is beginning to set and there are still a few beach dwellers watching the water ripple at the shoreline. Children at the water’s edge are scouring the sand for diamonds like I used to do. A couple of catamarans sail in the distance.
My heart contracts with nostalgia as we take a seat on an empty bench on the high sand.
“I used to come here a lot when I was a kid. Leah loved finding Cape May diamonds,” Liam says, interrupting my memories. “When she died, I brought Lucy here nearly every day for a month. I let her crawl around while I sat here and cried.” He exhales and looks over at me. My tears are falling again. Liam reaches for my hand and squeezes. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I sniffle and shrug, but I don’t drop his hand. “James and I were married for thirteen years. We were steady, or so I thought. Maybe not madly in love but steady, comfortable. We waited a while to try to start a family—both of us wanted to get our careers established first. But turns out, I can’t get pregnant on my own, and even with help, I miscarried. I couldn’t have a baby in the seven years that we tried. I was grappling with never getting to be a mom. We weren’t in a great place, but I always thought we’d get through it, you know?” I look at Liam and wipe my eyes.
Liam nods and squeezes my hand again, urging me to keep going.
“Then on my thirty-eighth birthday, I found him in our bed with her. She is his TA.” I hold back another sob.
“And on your birthday? Jesus, Sophie,” Liam mutters. “I’m so sorry.”
I hiccup. “Yeah, and I thought maybe I would forgive him. He said it was a one-time thing, and he made a mistake. He seemed really remorseful. I took about a week to think about it. I mean, I’m a therapist. I help people through these kinds of things, you know?” I pause as the tears start flowing again. “But then she turned up pregnant. Can you believe she’s pregnant?” I wail. “I couldn’t get pregnant if I was standing on my head, and she swept right in and stole my life.”
“Christ,” Liam says, voice barely above a whisper.
My tears begin falling aggressively again, as he wraps his arms around me. I feel him kiss the top of my head.
“That engagement ring put me over the edge. I was doing okay, you know? And now I feel like I went backward.” I sit up and wipe my eyes, Liam turns to look at me and takes my hands in his.
“You didn’t go backward, Soph. You told them off in front of a street full of vacationers. It was awesome.” He smirks.
I manage a small laugh and then I shrug. “I guess now I have closure.”
Liam brushes a tear from my face and then lets his thumb linger over my bottom lip, rubbing soft circles with it. He looks me in the eyes and then I feel it. The buzz, the tingle, the desire, whatever you want to call it, rumbling in my belly. I know I am vulnerable and exposed right now. Liam can see all my open wounds, and he’s still sitting here. I want nothing more than to kiss him. Before he moves his thumb away, I nuzzle my face on his hand and kiss it. It’s such an intimate moment that it allows me to fully drop my guard.
“Anyone who would hurt you like that doesn’t deserve you, Sophie. You are…everything,” he rasps, barely above a whisper.
Liam leans in and I meet him there. Our lips brush lightly against each other at first, but his lips are soft and warm, and I open for him. I can feel the gentle tickle of his breath beneath my nose. He brings his hand to the back of my neck and pulls me closer, deepening our kiss. He’s teasing me with his tongue, softly biting my lower lip, as our foreheads press together in hunger.
The familiar deep desire starts to blossom in my belly when Liam abruptly pulls away. He looks at me, bereft, and runs his hands through his hair. “I’m sorry, Sophie. I should not have done that when you’re so upset. I was totally out of line.” He puts his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.
I reach out and touch his back, tickling his shoulder blade with my fingertips. “It’s okay, Liam. I have been wanting to do that for a long time.” Liam sits up and looks at me with longing.
He cups my cheek, and I lean into it. Then he moves in and plants another soft kiss on my lips that is entirely too short-lived. He looks me in the eyes, and I realize his own eyes are glassy. “I have wanted it too. But, I don’t know how to do this, Sophie. I told you I have never been serious with anyone before. And seeing the hurt on your face tonight made me hurt. I never want to be responsible for making you cry like that.” He pauses and I feel a letdown even though he hasn’t said anything bad yet. “You’re becoming my best friend. Let’s just take things slowly, okay?”
I swallow another hard lump that forms in my throat. This isn’t rejection. I tell myself. Liam just saw you ugly cry and he still kissed you. I nod and reach for his hand. He plants one more soft kiss on my wanting mouth and stands to go.
“Come on, let’s go home.”