Chapter 32 – Liam
32
LIAM
I t’s been about two weeks since Sophie and I really talked. She hasn’t come to yoga with me or even texted me about going. She’s keeping her distance, and I guess I can understand that. From her perspective, I just toyed with her heart and her mind. She doesn’t know my story because I’ve never taken the steps to talk to her about my past. I have been telling myself that I am open to love and a relationship, but if that were true, I think I would have let her see me. Now I have realized that time is passing, and the world is moving on without me. I have been going through the motions my entire adult life. I was sad and then I was spiraling, and then when I started to heal, I was merely existing. So now, I am doing the work.
Life can feel as if you’re stuck in a rut and everything is moving slowly, or it can feel like it’s moving too fast. The more I think about it, the saying “Time heals all wounds” isn’t actually true. I’ve had twenty-two years to heal, and I have only just made the choice to start. Doc has got me thinking about time and forgiveness, and I realize now that if I don’t allow myself to heal and forgive, then hurt and trauma will continue living inside me forever. I won’t be able to move forward or have a fulfilling life until I take these steps. I’m trying to learn to let go and forgive myself, maybe even love myself. At forty, I can honestly say that I’m still a work in progress.
I see Doc twice a week. I try to give Sophie the space she needs from me, even though I desperately want to be near her. I’ve realized, a big part of forgiving myself is letting go of the fear of something going right. If I don’t forgive myself, I never have to be vulnerable. I never learned how to embrace something good because I always expected it to go wrong, or I told myself I didn’t deserve things to go right. Doc says that I need to leave the past in the past because I can’t change it. I need to focus my energies on the life that I want to live now. I think I want a life with Sophie. No, I know I do. I just have to figure out how to bring her back to me.
So while I have been doing the work with Doc, I’ve also picked up some new clients who are looking for custom coastal-inspired furniture in their new beach homes. I’ve been busying myself with those projects at night after working with Danny during the day. It’s been so helpful to have those things to work on because if I didn’t, I think I would be obsessing more over how I left things with Sophie. She told me my mood shifts like the tides and that stayed with me. I was allowing my insecurity to control me and giving her mixed signals. Not anymore. I know what I want and it’s her.
Now we’re in the middle of June. Ellie has been spending a lot of extra time with Doc, and I suspect something is going on there. The weather channel is calling for a massive storm tomorrow. We don’t usually get a lot of rain in June, but they say it’s coming. Ellie and Doc are taking a trip, and even though I know Ellie will prepare Sophie before she leaves, I am worried about her. I’m in the grocery store, picking up some items Lucy and I need to hunker down and ride it out when I find myself wondering again if Sophie has what she needs. Since we’re not exactly talking, I decide to approach it first via text. I pull my shopping cart off to the side and hand Lucy a couple of Cheerios while I figure out what to say. I am not sure she even wants to talk to me. I take a breath and open the message, grimacing when I see our last exchange and how hurtful it was.
Me: Hey Sophie… I know Ellie is going away tomorrow. I just want to make sure you have everything you need for this weather coming our way. It’s supposed to be a doozy.
I force myself to keep walking around the store instead of staring at my phone. A few moments pass and I’m in the cereal aisle when I see the three dots indicating she is typing. It remains that way for a solid minute, and I get my hopes up that maybe she’s typing a lot. Wrong.
Sophie: Yep. I’m good. Thanks.
I force out the breath I was holding. Well, I can’t push her. There’s nothing else to do but wait until the storm comes and then check in with her.
* * *
The rain comes in with a vengeance early the next morning. It’s coming down hard but so far, that’s all it is. Part of me thinks that the weatherman hyped it up and it won’t be anything major, which is a good thing. I decide it’s a good day to start working on Lucy’s room, since she’s with me and I can’t take her in my workshop. We head upstairs and I’m planning to prep the walls for painting. Eventually, I will replace the carpet, but I figure it’s best to paint first. I settle Lucy down on the floor and I start mixing the spackle. Maggie follows us upstairs and is pacing around the room. She sniffs Lucy and Lucy giggles. I smile over at the two of them and turn back to my work, only to be startled by a large crack of thunder.
Maggie runs to my side. Another crack of thunder and a whine from Maggie. Then the lights flicker, and I am getting worried they will go out. It’s dark enough in this room without losing power. I seal up the spackle and abandon ship.
“Come on, girls, let’s settle downstairs.” I pick up Lucy and we’re walking down the steps when another loud crack of thunder comes overhead. My mind goes immediately to Sophie. Sure, she’s a grown woman and it’s just a thunderstorm. But she’s alone. No one wants to be alone during a storm. What fun is that?
I place Lucy in her playpen and tell Maggie I’ll be right back. I run out the front door and sheets of rain are coming down sideways. It feels like needles the way it’s pelting me. I didn’t think this through. I’m wearing a white T-shirt, jeans, and no shoes and I am drenched in a matter of thirty seconds. I run up Ellie’s front steps and bang on the door at the same time a crack of thunder hits. “Sophie!” I yell and knock simultaneously.
She comes to the door in another one of those lounge outfits she likes so much. She has her hair down and wildly curly. She’s not wearing makeup except for that lip balm and she is beautiful as ever. Upon seeing me she looks alarmed, “Liam! Is everything ok?” A loud crack of thunder and a streak of lightning lights up the sky.
“It’s fine. We’re fine. I just wanted to tell you to come over and ride out the storm with us.” I wipe water from my face that’s dripping down from my hair. “It’s not supposed to stop until tomorrow.”
Sophie bites her lip. Oh my god. “Liam, that’s nice but I’m really fine over here. I’m binging a show and I have plenty of snacks,” she smiles, hesitating. “You know… It’s probably better if I stay here.”
Before I can try to convince her, another loud crack of thunder and lightning sizzles the pole right outside our two houses. All the lights and sounds in Ellie’s house go off. We’ve lost power. “Are you sure? Sophie, come with me, please,” I urge.
She hesitates for another moment and then relents. “Okay. Let me just throw some stuff in a bag.” She jogs up the steps and leaves me standing on the porch. It’s drafty in the house and I’m soaked. I have a little shiver happening when she comes back down. She’s holding an umbrella and has her feet in rain boots. “I just noticed you’re barefoot!” She half laughs, half scolds.
“Well, this was supposed to be quicker,” I retort. “Come on!”
Sophie opens the umbrella and I put my arm around her and lead us over to my house. The cracks of thunder won’t stop and when I walk inside, Lucy is crying. Maggie is sitting next to the pack-and-play with her head on the side and whimpering. “Oh girls, I’m sorry.” I run over and pick up Lucy, but she is reaching for Sophie.
“Let me take her,” Sophie says, grabbing Lucy from me. “It’s okay, baby girl.” She gives her a kiss on the head and my heart explodes.
I stand by watching the woman I love but can’t have, nurture my baby girl and I don’t know what to do with myself. “I think I should try to get Maggie to go outside before I change out of these wet clothes. Come on, Maggie.” I call her and for once she comes the first time.
“Be careful,” Sophie warns. She sits down on the floor with Lucy to play. Lucy is happy with Sophie, and I know I can’t take for granted that she’ll always be here. Unless I can get her to stay.
I know she won’t stay out there if I’m not with her, so I put Maggie on the leash and take her outside. We walk down the slippery deck steps and through the sloshy grass. She’s taking her sweet time because every time there’s a crack of thunder she spooks and runs over to me. “Come on Maggie, do your business,” I say impatiently. Finally, she squats to pee, and I am waiting for her to finish when the sliding glass door opens.
“Liam! Liam, come quick!” Sophie is shouting but I am having trouble hearing her over the rain. I grab Maggie’s leash firmly and pull her up the steps, running to Sophie.
“What is it?” I ask breathlessly.
Sophie’s eyes are glistening, she looks…proud? “She walked!” Sophie shouts, tapping my wet chest excitedly.
I push past her and inside the kitchen. I whip off my wet T-shirt and throw it in the sink, hurrying to Lucy.
I think I catch Sophie eyeing my bare chest. I feel desire creep up the back of my neck watching her check me out. She bites her lip and shakes her head as if she’s trying to clear it. “She decided she wanted a toy from across the room and she pulled herself up on my arm and walked over to get it.” Sophie clasps her hands together and holds them over her chest, bursting with pride.
“That’s so amazing!” I grin at Sophie, I want to pick her up and spin her around, but I know it’s best if I don’t. Instead, I run over to Lucy and pick her up, kissing her all over. “Yay, Lucy girl! Will you do it again for Dada?” I don’t even try to stop myself anymore. I am her dad, and she is my little girl.
* * *
I get Lucy to take a nap later in the day. Sophie and I are sitting next to each other on the couch now, neither of us saying much. We played with Lucy on the floor in the dark all morning and I couldn’t help but envision us as a little family. There’s a lot that needs to be said and I’m not sure where to begin.
I clear my throat. “Do you want some food?”
She smiles half-heartedly. “Sure. I’m starving.”
“I’ll cook us something good.” I stand up and head for the kitchen. Maybe some time alone in here will help me get my head on straight. If we’re going to have the conversation, I am the one who needs to start it. I know that. I just don’t know how.
“Can I help?” she asks at my back.
I turn around and her face looks so hopeful I can’t say no.
“Sure,” I grin. “I’d love your help.”
I’m thankful the gas stove works with a lighter. We’re standing at the counter chopping vegetables for a stir fry and it’s comfortably quiet. I’m lost in my own thoughts about where we go from here. I take the cutting board I’m chopping on and scrape its contents into a sizzling pan. “I love stir fry,” I tell her.
She breathes in the scent of the onions sauteing and moans in agreement. “Me too. I love to cook.”
Of course she does . “It’s nice to cook with you,” I tell her genuinely.
She doesn’t say anything but that’s okay. I am working up the courage to tell her everything. I throw the rest of the vegetables and the chicken into the pan and toss with sesame sauce. I have my back to her when she speaks.
“Liam.”
The way she says my name comes out rapt with emotion. I turn around and see a look on her face that is a mix of pain and desire. Her eyes are glassy but her cheeks are rosy. She takes a few steps in my direction. I don’t say anything, but I put the spatula down and take a step closer to her.
“I miss you,” she finally says.
I breathe a sigh of relief. “I miss you, too, Sophie.” I step closer and wrap her in a tight hug. “I have missed you so much. I have no one to do yoga with.” I say into her hair.
“You’ve been going to yoga without me?” She pulls away and swats my shoulder, feigning annoyance.
“Hey, I’m trying to keep my stress levels down,” I tell her and pull her close again. “But I have been really sad about the way we left things.”
“Me too,” she says into my chest.
My timer beeps and I pull away. “Let’s eat.”