Chapter 19 #2
“Your body remembers, even when your brain gets scared. And you know what? Even if you mess up a step, you can keep going. Everyone wants you to succeed. They’re not looking for mistakes.
They’re looking for you to love dancing,” he touched her shoulder lightly.
“You’ve got this, kiddo. Trust yourself. ”
“Okay,” Rose’s shoulders dropped, some of the tension leaving her small frame. “Okay. I can do it.”
“You absolutely can,” Finn stood, offering his hand to help me up. “And if you forget a step, just make up a new one. No one will know the difference.”
My mom appeared at my elbow. “Sasha, sweetheart! And Finn!” She pulled us both into an enthusiastic hug. “You should have heard the girls when they saw you walking up. Sadie asked if Uncle Finn was coming to every dance recital from now on.”
My ears grew hot.
Holly rescued us by herding everyone toward the building. “We should get seats before all the good ones are taken. The twins’ group performs second. Madison’s is after the intermission.”
We found seats near the middle of the auditorium. Carter immediately climbed into Finn’s lap like he belonged there, leaning back against his chest.
“He likes you,” Holly observed, settling beside us with Marcus.
“The feeling’s mutual,” Finn adjusted his hold on Carter, who was watching the crowd from his new VIP spot.
The lights dimmed and the first group took the stage. Tiny three and four-year-olds who mostly just wandered around in tutus while their teacher tried to guide them through basic positions, earning plenty of “awes” and soft laughter from the audience.
Finn’s phone buzzed. He glanced at it, then set it on silent and put it away without reading whatever had come through.
“Next up, our beginner ballet students,” the announcer called.
Rose and Sadie appeared with their group, eight little girls in matching pink. I found them immediately. Rose was in the second row and Sadie was on the far left. The music started, a simple classical piece, and they began their routine.
I pulled out my phone to record, capturing the moment when both girls spotted us in the audience and beamed.
When the song ended and they curtsied and ran off stage. I was certain Rose remembered every step.
“Intermission,” the announcer called after one more ballet group. “We’ll resume in fifteen minutes with our intermediate jazz group.”
“Potty time,” Holly lifted Carter off Finn’s lap and shimmied past us, dropping his stuffed panda onto my lap.
Finn stood, pulling his phone out to check his messages. His brows pinched together as he scrolled.
“Everything okay?” I watched him as my mom stood and stretched, turning to chat with the family sitting behind her.
“My dad. He wants Dom and me to come up to talk about ranch succession,” he swiped back and forth a couple of times before beginning to type.
“Do you need to go?” I kept my voice neutral, supportive. The same tone I’d use if Tabitha needed time off for family obligations.
“Yeah. Dom’s got Paulie making arrangements. I need to change my ticket out of Salt Lake.” He studied my face a moment. “You okay with that? I know we talked about me staying a few more days.”
I was. Maybe even relieved. Last night had shifted something between us, and some space sounded good. I was a coward.
“Of course. Family’s important,” I smiled up at him. “Besides, Lou will probably be thrilled.”
Finn’s expression went carefully neutral. “Lou’s not why I’m going home.”
“I know.” And I did. But Lou was still there, still part of his world in Wyoming in ways I never would be.
Holly returned with Carter, ending any further discussion. Finn sat again, swiping through a few more screens before pocketing his phone.
The lights dimmed as Madison’s group took the stage. Jazz was definitely cooler than ballet with sharper movements, more attitude, music with actual beats you could feel. Madison grinned when she spotted us, throwing just a little more sass into her routine.
Carter had climbed back into Finn’s lap and fallen asleep against his chest. Finn held him gently, one hand supporting the small body, his other hand over mine in my lap.
After the last group finished, we waited for the kids to meet us in the lobby. Rose and Sadie appeared first, still glowing from their performance.
“Did you see us? Did we do good? Did you get pictures?” The questions tumbled out of them.
“You both were perfect,” I pulled them both into a hug. “Absolutely perfect.” I retrieved the flowers from my bag. “These are for you,” I held them out. Light pink roses for Sadie, dark for Rose.
Rose clutched her flowers to her chest. “So everyone knows we’re special.”
“You’re already special,” Finn added. “You did so good up there.”
“I remembered all the steps!” She beamed up at him, taking his hand.
“I had no doubt you would.”
“Thank you for helping me not be scared.”
“Thank you for trustin’ yourself up there.”
Madison appeared and I handed her a slightly bigger bouquet of bright pink carnations and white daisies. “Jazz is definitely cooler,” I winked and she grinned.
“Uncle Finn, did you see my jazz hands?” she demonstrated, striking a pose.
“Best jazz hands I’ve ever seen,” he nodded seriously. “Very professional.”
“Can we take pictures for your Instagram now?” Sadie bounced on her toes.
I hesitated, glancing at Finn. Posing in pictures with my nieces felt different than general family photos at events, where I’d left my siblings to post anything with Finn in it. The girls would want me to add them immediately, demanding to see the proof and then asking their mom to like them.
“What if I pose with you and Uncle Finn takes the pictures?” I proposed. Madison considered this.
“And then we take one with just Uncle Finn?” she negotiated instead. I wasn’t getting out of this.
“My arms are long enough to take one of all of us,” Finn offered, smiling. We both crouched down as the girls crowded between us. Finn and I wrapped our arms behind them, Finn pulling me closer.
“You’re squishing us!” Sadie protested in a voice that didn’t sound the least bit annoyed.
“Well, we’ve gotta act like we like each other, don’t we?” Finn teased, holding my phone out and capturing the moment.
“Now just Uncle Finn,” Rose elbowed me.
“Rose Lynnette don’t be rude,” Marcus scolded, watching us while he rocked Carter, still asleep against his shoulder.
“Sorry, Aunt Sasha,” her cheeks flamed.
“You can take pictures with Uncle Finn,” I stood. “But maybe sitting over on that bench?” I pointed down the hall and Finn shot me a grateful look. I helped him stand and he handed me my phone before herding them toward the seating.
“Have you two discussed kids yet?” Holly asked as we watched Finn take selfies with everyone.
“We’ve only been together a few months,” my face turned hot, and I tried to ignore the fluttery feeling in my stomach.
We hadn’t even discussed our cover story on the matter, and we’d been asked about kids at least three times in the last few days.
Most of my family seemed to ignore my concerns about having children in general, and my personal misgivings had made me forget to even broach the subject with Finn for our story.
“But when you know, you know,” Marcus winked.
“I don’t…” What was it that Finn had said last? “We’re still figuring it out.”
“Isn’t Dom thirty-one?” Holly continued as my mom and Tony came over to wait with us.
“Okay?” My ears were starting to buzz a little, restless energy beginning to zip through my body.
“Who is thirty-one?” My mom asked.
“Dom and Finn,” came the reply. My vision narrowed in on Finn and the girls as they crowded around his phone to look at pictures.
“Sasha,” my mom sounded far away. “A man’s finally interested in you! It’s hardly the time to be coy. Does he know how old you are? If he wants babies, that’s not very much—”
I snapped. “Mother.”
Everyone was so nosy. Everyone thought I was difficult, that they knew what I was going through, what was best for me until they needed my help to fix things.
“What’s going on?” Finn looked between us as they returned, slipping his arm around my shoulders. I couldn’t relax, my face growing hotter as anger flared through me.
“It’s nothing, dear,” my mom gave him a patient smile. “We were just talking about babies and Sasha got upset.”
I watched Finn’s brow crease with worry before he carefully schooled his features and pulled out his trademark grin. “Well, we’re still in the reconnaissance phase.” That was the line. “Seeing if we like each other enough to make this go the distance,” he smoothed a hand down my arm.
“Tell him why I got upset,” my voice was low, my gaze pinpointed on my mother. I was tired of people acting like I was overacting to what they’d said, ignoring how I truly felt about things like children or dating. I was tired of them acting like I was broken or just “didn’t get it.”
“What do you mean?” My mother had the gall to look surprised.
“Tell him how you think I’m too picky. That I don’t care about the future.
That I should want to settle down. Tell him you think I was stupid for breaking up with Graham, which, he dumped me, I’ll remind you.
Tell him I just don’t get what it means to build a life like you think I should have,” I did my best not to clench my teeth when I said it.
“Tell him you found out how old he is and you’re worried that he didn’t know how old I am.
Tell him you think I’m being selfish and that he might want to have babies together. ”
I felt Finn stiffen next me, his hand gripping my arm a split-second, and that was all the answer I needed.
Fake or not, I was not “might want to have babies together” material. My heart plummeted despite my own feelings about them.
“Joan, with all due respect,” he pulled me closer, a protective edge in his tone, “that’s none of your business.”
Everyone went silent, my mother opening and then closing her mouth without a sound. I glanced at him. His face had grown hard. So, this was Finn pushed to his limit by my family’s insanity.
He continued, “when we decide about having children, if we decide to have children, you’ll know.”
“Ladies,” he turned to Madison, Rose, and Sadie who were all watching with large round eyes. His face softened. “Your performance was chef’s kiss.” He touched his fingertips to his lips before taking my hand.
“Now if you don’t mind,” his grip was slightly tighter than usual as he turned back to the adults, “we’re going home to not make any babies.” I let him pull me away while my family stared after us.
“Finn are you okay?” I asked as we made our way into the dark parking lot.
“No,” came the quiet, honest reply as we reached the car. His brow was still creased with worry. “But I don’t want to talk about it right now if that’s alright.”
“I’m sorry they…”
“Alex, I don’t want to talk about it,” he ground out. He wiped his hand over his face and relaxed before looking at me for a long time, sorrow deep in his eyes. This wasn’t about me being “have babies together” material. But what was it?
I stood there patiently, watching his eyes flick over me in the dark. “It’s not about you,” he confirmed at length. “It’s important to me that you know that. I don’t give two shits how old you are.”
I swallowed and then nodded, unable to speak.
“And I promise to talk about it when I’m ready.”
“I believe you,” I lifted a shoulder. “It’s not like this is real anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.”
“Yeah…” he trailed off, searching my face. He looked worn, more so than I’d ever seen before, his dissipating frustration leaving exhaustion in its wake.
“Let’s go home,” I offered, smoothing my hand over his cheek. He leaned against it, closing his eyes to my touch.
In the car, Beastie Boys came on, “Sabotage” filling the silence as we pulled out of the parking spot. I couldn’t help snorting at the absurdity of it as we drove past my family gathered around Marcus and Holly’s minivan.
“You’re full of surprises, Alexandra,” Finn tossed me a careful smile.
“I could say the same about you, Walker.”