Chapter 41
Cold brew and consequences
Alex
I woke to sunlight streaming through windows we hadn’t closed the night before, alone in the bed that didn’t smell like Finn. Like us.
Finn’s bed looked practically untouched, save for a carefully folded blanket at the foot. His work boots were gone from beside the door where I’d placed them, along with his hat from the dresser, and any trace that he’d collapsed in this room the night before.
Like he’d never been here at all.
There was a note on top of my phone on the nightstand, written in his careful, deliberate handwriting on North Star Lodge stationary:
I tracked the slight tremor in some of the lines, realizing the focus required to keep his hand steady. To reclaim “Steady.” My breath hitched, forced me to inhale.
My entire body protested as I sat up slowly, the note still in my hands.
I wanted to be mad at him, justified in my rage.
I wanted to feel his arms wrapped around me, telling me we’d be okay, that he’d be okay.
I wanted him to know he was safe, wanted to know we were safe, but instead I just felt… empty.
I got up and padded to the fridge to retrieve my coffee before grabbing my phone and blanket, sliding open the balcony door and stepping into the cool morning air.
The sky was clear, but the grounds were covered in mud and debris.
I wrapped the blanket around my shoulders, sat in one of the chairs the housekeeper had moved back into place and drank my coffee while I surveyed the work going on below.
Groundskeepers were sweeping away mud and dirt, picking up branches, and resetting chairs around firepits.
A few guests were milling about. I watched Lou and Penny disappear into the guest services building.
Penny emerged a few minutes later, coloring book tucked under her arm, bag of art supplies on her shoulder, moving across the yard toward the house like she was on a mission.
I smiled to myself and scanned the grounds more.
Finn was behind the house with Luke and the boys, picking up sandbags and loading them into the back of a truck.
Jack and Lucas carried one between them and for every single bag Finn carried, Luke carried two.
Maggie sat nearby, her eyes trained on every move Finn made.
I studied him, looking for signs that he might be pushing himself too hard, and caught the hitch in his stride along with the slight grimace from beneath the brim of his hat when he tossed a bag into the truck.
Stupid, stubborn man. He should be resting.
I pulled out my phone to shoot him a text.
Me: thank you for the coffee. pretty sure you should still be in bed. you look like shit.
I set my phone down and watched. A few seconds later I saw him retrieve his phone from his pocket, squint at it, and then look up toward our balcony. I took another sip of coffee and sat back as my phone buzzed.
Finn: Feel like shit too. We need to talk but my folks wanna know if we’re coming to family dinner tonight. Told them I didn’t know if you’d be up for it
My eyes flicked up to see him drop another bag in the truck bed before turning back to the creek.
We did need to talk, but I didn’t know what to say.
In the light of day, it was easy to see that his reaction had been caused by his PTSD, but it didn’t take away the ache in my chest as I thought about how he’d treated me.
I never wanted to be on the receiving end again, but there were no guarantees in life and if I loved him, it meant something like this could happen again.
Would happen again. What mattered is how we’d move through it when it did. My phone buzzed in my hand.
Tabitha: Just sent over the filing docs for your review. Oliver asked if you’d be up for a meeting first thing Monday morning. Does that give you time to review?
Work. I could focus on work. We had Jordan’s criminal charges, the investigation, our lawsuit and filings with Titan. And I needed to figure out what I could do to make sure Catalyst remained safe and viable.
Me: plenty of time. I’ll read them today.
Me: will you schedule a meeting with John so we can start putting together more concrete options for buying out Oliver?
Tabitha: Sure thing boss!
I finished my coffee and went back inside. Even though the room was quiet and I’d be alone for several hours, it was too stifling. There were too many expectations in the space. I pulled the covers up on my bed, showered and dressed, and picked up my laptop. Nolan’s office it was.
I sent Finn one more text:
Me: working in your dad’s office today in case you need to sleep more.
Three dots appeared then disappeared before I got thumbs-up reaction to my message.
I shouldered my bag, stopped at the restaurant for a yogurt and granola parfait, and crossed the grounds to the main house.
I let myself in and moved past the kitchen and den toward the garage that had been converted into an office for Nolan and small apartment for Móraí.
I was surprised to see Penny’s table empty.
My eyes flicked to Nolan watching me and my stomach flopped.
“She’s playing with Belle today,” his eyes were warm and when I raised my eyebrows, he chuckled, adding, “Belle’s watching her. I think she was going to take her horseback riding.”
“She’s six,” I moved to my desk and pulled out my laptop.
“Darlin’ most kids ‘round here have been ridin’ horses since they were in nappies,” he laughed.
My cheeks warmed at the nickname, my heart thudding to remind me how much I missed Finn already. Nolan must have noticed because he cleared his throat as I sat down.
“You ever see him act that way?” he asked quietly. I couldn’t make complete eye contact, so I busied myself opening my laptop and plugging in the extra monitor.
“No,” I shook my head finally, looking at my hands on the desk. “Have you?”
“Nope,” he responded. “None of us have. He’s never… that’s not the Finn…” He choked off and I looked up. His eyes were glassy.
“It’s not his fault,” the words rushed out of my mouth before I could stop them, but they felt like they were more for me than him. Maybe for both of us. “It’s the accident. His mind doesn’t work the same as it used to. He didn’t mean to.”
“Still not right,” his voice was gruff. “I’m sorry he treated you that way. If you want to stay at the house or in another room at the lodge, we can—”
“Nolan, it’s okay,” I interrupted him. “It really sucks right now, but it’ll be okay. We’ll figure it out.”
“I don’t think he’s ever looked at another woman the way he looks at you,” he shrugged. “Not even Lou. I’d hate to think he might lose you because he can’t control things.”
“I’m not going anywhere. I promise,” I swallowed against the lump in my throat, my own eyes feeling watery. “He’s too important to me and I love him.”
A tear slipped down my cheek and then another and I couldn’t help rolling my eyes. What was it about the Walker men that made me want to cry in front of them?
“Well that’s somethin’ then, ain’t it,” Nolan smiled fondly, crossing the room to offer me a tissue and then pulling me against his side.
I couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped as he went back to his desk and sat down, realizing he was only the second person I’d told about my true feelings for his son.
I opened my secure folder and downloaded the documents and briefs Tabitha sent over. “Mind if I print out a whole bunch of stuff?” I asked, glancing up at him shyly. “I need to read all these legal documents, and I do better if it’s paper instead of a screen.”
“Knock yourself out, kid,” he smiled. “I’m the same way.”
I spent the next few hours reading and making notes on what felt like hundreds of pages of legal and technical information.
I heard people enter and leave the house while I focused on the proposed legal strategy and contemplated how crazy I had to be to take on a large gaming company that had been responsible for a good chunk of our success.
Maggie eventually wandered in and stretched out at my feet.
Sometime around noon, I assumed, Nolan left the office to get lunch.
I turned another page, skimming, highlighting what I wanted to come back to, making notes, and turning to the next page.
Read, mark, note, repeat.
“You need to eat, sweetheart.”
I jumped at the sound of Finn’s voice, my eyes shooting up only to be caught by his amber gaze. He set a sandwich and a glass of water on my desk.
“Mom made meatloaf sandwiches,” he shrugged. “Didn’t really ask if you liked them so much as commanded that I bring it in here.”
“Would you have come in if she didn’t?” I raised an eyebrow. It smelled amazing and my stomach announced its agreement loudly.
“Not if you didn’t want me here,” he whispered, glancing out the window. “Don’t want you to think that I’m trying to crowd you.”
“I know you wouldn’t do that,” I watched him shift uncomfortably. I wasn’t sure if it was embarrassment or pain. Maybe both. “Did you get something to eat?” I asked softer, noting the exhaustion around his eyes.
“Mine’s in the kitchen,” he tossed his thumb over his shoulder. “Unless Jack has eaten it already.”
A laugh escaped my throat. Then quiet. Awkward this time instead of the comfortable silence we were used to.
“Small talk’s the worst,” I murmured, my cheeks warming as I straightened the papers in front of me before moving them to the side so I could eat.
“I’m sorry you had to sleep in the other bed,” Finn responded.
“It’s…” I stopped. It wasn’t okay. It wasn’t fine. But I didn’t want him to worry. “There are two beds, it just made sense. Besides, I had so much room to stretch out, I might have to do it again.” I tried to force a lighter tone, but from the look on his face, it hadn’t landed.
“If you need the space, you should take it,” he added slowly. “I know I hurt you.”
“And I know you didn’t mean to.” Obnoxious tears threatened to overflow again. “I just… I might need a little bit of time.”
“Your choice, every night,” he repeated what he’d said the day we’d arrived.
“Dinner with the family tonight?”
“I don’t know if it’s an intervention or what.” A smile pulled at the corner of his mouth before he continued, “then we should probably talk. I…” He took a deep breath, body tightening. “I just need to check in with you about… everything. Need to tell you some other stuff.”
“There you are, son,” Nolan appeared behind Finn, making him jump. “Sorry. Are you ready for your injection?”
My stomach dropped. Injection? What was Nolan talking about? Finn hadn’t mentioned anything about—
“Paperwork says you shouldn’t be skipping them, and you missed it earlier this week,” Nolan continued. “Probably part of why yesterday was so rough.”
“Yeah. I’ll be there in a minute, Dad. Thanks.” Finn’s eyes slid to me, his cheeks turning crimson as I narrowed my gaze at him. Something else he’d been keeping from me. Nolan disappeared again as Finn looked at the floor.
“What injections, Finn?” I asked quietly, hearing the low buzz start in my ears.
“Can we talk about it tonight?” he asked, scratching at some invisible mark on my desk. “Please?”
“Fine,” I crossed my arms, pinching myself as a reminder to not lose my temper. It wouldn’t do either of us any good.
“Anyway, I should…” he swallowed. “I’m going to go eat lunch, see Dad, and then go back to the room. I’m required to report… incidents. And I think I need more sleep.” He dragged a hand over his face as he turned to leave, Maggie getting up to follow him.
He turned at the door, looking at me one more time. “Alex?”
“What.”
“I promise we’ll be okay. I’ll fix this.”
“Okay.”