Chapter 26 Charisma
TWO WEEKS LATER
Tears prick my eyelids, though laughter bubbles in my soul. I can’t help but smile at the sweet sound of CJ’s laughter. Having him back has been a godsend. I knew that I missed my baby, but I didn’t realize how much until he came back a week ago.
His innocence is so precious, and all I want to do is protect and preserve that. He talked about his trip to Disney World when he returned, and I was so happy that he had a chance to visit.
I had no idea where he was all that time, but that was a place that I had always wanted to take him to.
When I asked Chrishanna how he managed not to leak the fact they were at the one place in the world he wanted to go, she said that he was told it would be a surprise for me.
She said that Ice told him that it would make mommy so happy that he was finally able to go, and that I had to work and couldn’t go.
The truth was, I hadn’t been able to afford to take him.
It still hurt that I wasn’t the one who could take him on this trip for the first time, but it paled in comparison to seeing the bright smile on his face, and the passion with which he signed when telling me all about his trip and showing me his memorabilia, including the Minnie Mouse ears he bought for me.
We’re at a park a block away from our house, and I’m pushing him on the swing. He’s so full of excitement, love, and passion. CJ is the most beautiful gift to come out of Chaos’s and my relationship.
Thinking of him makes me sad. He had given me my freedom, and I remained in bed with him that night.
We made love a couple of times until I exhausted myself and fell asleep.
The next morning, we woke up and talked about it some more.
I made him breakfast in bed, hung out with him at the club the next afternoon, and he even took me out for dinner later that evening.
But three days later, I felt that I couldn’t breathe. My anxious thoughts were driving me insane. Every sound had me antsy and jumpy. I was wondering if, somehow, Ben was coming after me, or maybe someone he was affiliated with. I was terrified that he would kill Chaos if he found us together.
Eventually, Chaos saw my nervous energy. He asked me about it, and I was honest with him. I could see the hurt in his eyes. He didn’t like the fact that I was anxious because of him. It hurt him that he was the cause of anything not being right within me.
He told me that he was heading to the club, and he said that he loved me, but he wouldn’t hold me to unrealistic expectations. He asked me to do him one favor: turn off the lights when I left. When I asked what he was talking about, he said that he couldn’t be there and watch me go.
He left the apartment without another word.
It took me three hours before I finally gathered the courage to leave and head back to my place. I have been home since, but I’m missing him so badly. There’s a gaping hole in my chest that even CJ’s return could not fill.
Chaos is the other half of me. He always has been, and he always will be. When we were kids growing up, I was always closer to him than Chrishanna. She was the one I could talk about boys with. Everything else that I did or talked about, I did it with Chrishon.
I continue pushing CJ on the swing. I thought that Chaos would be here sharing these moments with me.
CJ has spent time with his father since he’s been back, but Chrishanna takes CJ to him at his place.
I’ve been struggling with making peace with what he said about Angelique.
I trusted her, and it hurts to know that she only used me.
“God, I want Chaos so bad,” I whisper.
It’s not until CJ hops off the swing and reaches his arms up for me that I realize that I’m crying. When I kneel to hug him, my baby wipes my tears away.
“What’s wrong, Mommy?” he signs.
“I miss your daddy,” I sign back.
“Go see him. He’s home.”
I shake my head.
“Why not?” he signs again.
I know that I need to get it together.
“It’s complicated.”
“That’s what Aunt Chrissy says about Ice.”
I laugh and smirk. Mm-hmm, looks like I’ve got some teasing to do. I glance at my phone and remember that Chrishanna is coming to do my hair.
“Come on. It’s time to go home. Aunt Chrissy’s coming over.” I take CJ’s hand, and we head out of the park and up the block for home.
By the time that Chrishanna arrives, CJ is in his room, taking a nap.
“Girl, what is wrong with you?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me. We’ve been friends almost our entire lives. Your eyes were red when I got here, and here you are, tearing up again. Don’t tell me that I’m pulling too hard on your hair either, because your ass ain’t hardly tender headed.”
“I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. You’re walking around here looking sad, like you can’t pay your bills, and your baby’s daddy’s third leg went wandering outside.”
I sigh.
“What? Don’t make me cut him. I know he’s my brother, but I’ll fuck something up over you.”
I laugh. Chrishanna is just as rough around the edges as her brother is.
“He hasn’t done anything. It’s just difficult coming to terms with everything that happened. Learning that the people in my inner circle, who I thought were for me, actually weren’t. Learning that the man I love with my whole chest isn’t who I thought he was.”
She sighs. “I know it’s hard, boo, but the one thing you can count on is that my brother loves you.
He ain’t ever been any different about that.
He’s always loved you and always will. No matter what shit he gets into, I promise that you’re it for him.
I didn’t like the idea of the two of you together originally, because I thought you would get hurt, but it’s the only equation that makes sense, if you ask me. ”
“You’re right, I guess.”
“Ain’t no guess. Honey, tell that man what you’re feeling, why it hurts, and how you can’t live without him.”
“I can’t. I don’t want him to feel like I’m pressuring him to change like I did before. If he loved me, he wouldn’t have told me that I could leave.”
“Y’all asses both stubborn as hell. You know that old saying if you love something, let it go? If it returns, it was yours, and if it doesn’t, it wasn’t meant to be. That’s what he’s doing, sis.”
“I guess, but still.”
“Ain’t no but still. You both need to put your pride aside for the sake of your son, because he’s the only one who’s getting hurt.
Can you imagine one of them hos from the clubhouse being his step-mama?
And you falling for some old Urkel-looking nigga, and him being CJ’s stepdaddy?
God forbid he has to interact with my brother on visitation days; that would be a whole ass mess. ”
I scrunch my face up. “I don’t like that for my baby.”
“Me either. Go get ya man, sis.”
“Didn’t you tell me to stay away from your brother? Why are you pushing me toward him now?”
“That was before you both decided to fuck around and have a kid. Now y’all done fucked around and found out you love each other. I’m useless here. Y’all are gon’ do what you want anyway, so who am I?”
It’s late when Chrishanna leaves. CJ woke up before Chrishanna left, and now we’re sitting on the couch watching The Legend of Ochi when the doorbell rings. I frown even as a thread of fear works its way inside of me. I haven’t heard from Benjamin since everything happened, but what if it’s him?
“Stay right here, baby,” I sign to CJ.
I wished my scary ass carried a gun. I rush into the kitchen and grab a big butcher knife, which I hide in the folds of my robe so CJ doesn’t see it as I pass him up again on the way to the door.
My heart pounds in my chest as I pull the peephole back. Relief saturates every part of my body when I see that it’s Chaos standing on the other side of the door.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” I ask, pulling it open wider for him to enter.
CJ jumps off the couch, realizing his daddy is here, and he shouts in excitement. Chaos lifts our son into his arms and kisses his head before he puts him in a headlock.
“I came to bring this,” he answers, removing a small brown packet from a bag that he’s holding.
“What’s this?”
“Open it.”
He closes the door behind him as I walk to the couch. I unwrap the packet to see a picture of Chaos and CJ. I smile at the image and stroke their faces.
“What’s wrong with that picture?” Chaos asks in a gravelly tone.
“Nothing,” I reply, staring at it and then at him. I turn the picture over in my hands a couple of times and then repeat, “Nothing.”
“Wrong. Look at it again.”
“I did, Chaos. What’s wrong?”
“You. You’re not in there with us.”
I frown, and he kneels in front of me.
“Charisma, I love you, but I don’t think you know why.
It’s not just because we’ve known each other forever and have a kid together.
I love you because you are my peace, and you make me feel that I am worthy of being loved.
You make me want a better life, and I want you to birth more of my children.
There’s not a woman in the world worthy of that job but you.
You’re my friend, my confidante, and my lover.
No woman has ever helped me to find wholeness the way that you have. ”
My heart swells up, and I squeeze my eyes close before opening them again.
“You’re going to make me cry. I’m sorry that I left, Chrishon.
I love you. It was just so hard. So many things happened, and I was scared and confused.
These last couple of weeks have been so hard.
All I’ve wanted was to be back in your bed again, cooking in your kitchen with you, and watching TV on the couch with you. I love you, too, baby. I’m so sorry.”
Chaos leans forward and kisses me before he reaches inside of the bag again and removes a leather jacket.
“What’s this?”
“Get up and try it on. I wanna see how it fits.”
I flip it over and see the rocker on the back of the cut and my nickname “Venom” emblazoned under it, along with a patch that’s affiliated with him.
Underneath the rocker is a patch that says, “Property of Chaos.”
“Go on, girl. Try it on.”
“That’s pretty, Mama,” CJ signs as I try it on.
It fits perfectly, and I can’t help but cry.
“What’s wrong, Mommy?” CJ signs before he hugs me and kisses my cheek.
I hug him and then lean back and sign to him, but I speak the words aloud so that Chaos knows what I’m saying.
“I’m crying because your daddy loves me, and I love him right back. And we both love you so much.”
CJ signs that he loves us, too, and Chaos pulls me up and stands with me.
He kisses me deeply, but he’s careful not to overdo it in CJ’s presence.
When he finishes, he reaches down and lifts our son into his arms, and we all share a hug.
This feels good, and it reminds me of what I was missing at the playground earlier today.
This is what I want for CJ’s life, and for mine and Chrishon’s.
When we were kids, we were both missing out on something so amazing. He was missing a consistent, stable environment with his father in it, loving his mama. I was missing a mother who gave a damn and wanted to teach her daughter morals and values.
I vow not to let CJ miss out on any of those things. I believe that no matter what Chaos and I must go through, we can work it out together.
“I love you, ma,” Chaos states, as he wipes my tears away.
“I love you too.”
“I don’t want you to go another day feeling like you have nothing to offer anyone or that you’re unloved.
You have a heart of gold, you’re intelligent as hell, and you’re a wonderful mother to our little boy.
You did an amazing job holding it down in my absence, and I don’t take that shit for granted.
If you had nothing else to offer, that right there would be enough, but there’s so much more to you. ”
I can’t help the tears that fall down my face again. “Thank you.”
“Why ya ass crying now?” he asks.
Sniffling and sobbing, I reply, “You can’t know how much I have always loved you, and I never stopped.
Not only did I save my body for you, but my heart also.
No one else has a place there. Thank you for loving yourself enough to walk away when you thought that I didn’t care.
The fact that you’ve learned to love yourself enough tells me that you’re more than ready to love and protect this family the way that we need you to. ”
I press up on my toes and kiss his lips as CJ yawns.
Chaos puts CJ down, and he kneels again.
He reaches inside of the bag again, and this time, he pulls out a ring.
I’m shocked when not only he asks me, “Charisma Marie Cofield, I have loved you since I met you. You and CJ are the best part of me. Will you marry me?” but he also signs it perfectly so that CJ can read it.
I screech my surprise loudly, and CJ mimics me, jumping up and down and shrieking. When I finally calm down, they both laugh at me, and CJ signs to Chaos, “Mommy’s extra.” Chaos laughs and signs back, “I know. She always has been.”
My heart is full, and my two men have made it overflow with love.