Chapter 2
Love
Numb.
That’s all I feel, all night long. While waiting for information about Charline’s surgery.
Maya isn’t aware of what’s happening or about her father’s death.
We’re holding the news until Charline is out of surgery.
Damian and Declan disappeared through the staff doors for news and haven’t resurfaced yet.
It’s been one hour. I haven’t visited Maya.
I’m staying with Sammy; both she and I don’t think we can hide it from her. So we don’t get near her altogether.
“Should we be worried?” I ask as soon as Declan enters Sammy’s room.
“It’s a high-risk surgery, Damian is observing it, I can’t enter since I only start working here on the 26th,” Declan begins, but doesn’t answer the question.
“I wouldn’t have my hopes up. She had a major head trauma; even if she gets out of surgery alive, there’s an elevated risk she’ll be in a vegetative state,” he ends and sits beside me next to Sammy’s bed.
“It can’t be,” Sammy gasps, bringing her hands to her head. I put my hand on her shoulder, and my body shudders.
“Maya is going to be fine, she’s a tough one,” Declan says, and I shake harder.
Hearing words I never thought I would, the words I dreaded to hear today.
When I start crying again, Declan pulls his chair closer to mine and hugs me.
My small figure, enveloped by his arms. I lay my head against his shoulder and cry.
For a few seconds, I completely forget about Sammy and focus on Declan’s protective hold on me.
I stay in Declan’s arms with one hand fallen on top of Sammy’s on her bed.
As I feel his warmth and his calm breathing, my breathing slows down too.
Declan never ceases the strong hold of his arms around my shoulders and waist. I breathe in his woodsy scent and let it take me home.
For a second, I feel safe. For a second, I feel like everything is going to be fine.
Just for a second. Then the door opens, and the thin calmness is stripped from my soul.
Damian walks into the room, and we all look at him expectantly, praying for a good outcome.
When he shakes his head, I almost faint from the pain in my heart, for my family, but especially for Maya.
“We need to tell her,” I whisper to Declan, and he holds me still when I try to get up.
“Let Vance do it,” Declan says before helping me up. “Be there for her, I’ll stay with Samantha,” Declan asserts, and I nod.
“Thank you, take care of her, Dec,” I plead, and he replies “I will”. I walk through the corridors until I reach Maya’s room. She is in a different hospital wing because she’s still under careful watch, since she hit her head during the accident.
I walk inside the room, and all I feel is painful emptiness. Christmas to Maya will always be the time of the year she lost her parents.
“Love? Thank god, couldn’t see either you or Sammy. I was freaking out,” Maya says loudly with a sigh of relief. Her pale skin with a huge gash on her forehead. Her blonde curls covering most of it.
“I’m sorry, May,” I say when my dad comes in. I don’t need and won’t describe what happens next. All I’ll say is that I spent all night and dawn holding Maya in her hospital bed. As she cried until she had no tears left to fall, for now.
The first impact is supposed to be the worst, but I think the worst part is managing the emptiness we’re left with, where once resided that missing piece of us. It happened to me when our grandparents died. And I fear it will consume Maya.
“Can I stay with you?” Maya asks as soon as she’s cleared to go.
“That’s not even up for discussion. You’re staying with us, we have plenty of room at home, right dad?” I ask, my father always loved Maya as a second daughter. He’ll most certainly want her around.
“Correct. You’re staying with us, Maya. We’re here for you!” my father tells her and pulls her in for a hug. We take Maya home and she sleeps with me in my bed. She has nightmares all night long, and I stay awake to shush her back to sleep.
Declan was right, Maya is a tough one. She makes it through the first week.
Her mood starts improving, especially after the funeral, she got closure.
I still can’t believe I won’t see Charline and Phil again.
They meant the world to me. They were always the most cheerful couple; their love filled the room wherever they went.
And everyone was always so happy around them. The world just lost two gems.
Today is December 30th. We’re still planning on celebrating New Year’s Eve after Maya insisted on it.
We didn’t celebrate Christmas, and Maya felt awful about it, because it was our family’s day.
The attacker didn’t just ruin our family, he also ruined our favourite holiday.
My dad isn’t going to let this pass as if nothing happened and that scares me.
“May, wake up, it’s just a nightmare,” I murmur hugging her. She turns her body to mine and hugs me back.
“How long haven’t you slept for? I feel so guilty-”
“Don’t, some prick did this. This isn’t you. And you know I don’t sleep much anyway. I’m used to it,” I guarantee her that it’s fine and calm her until she falls asleep. I look at my phone when she’s sleeping deeply. I have a message.
Declan: Can’t sleep?
I check the message, it’s from one hour ago, when Maya woke up screaming.
Declan: I know you read the message.
When the second message appears, I hear steps to my room’s door.
Declan: Open the door, please.
Me: Maya is sleeping.
Declan: So should you be. Sammy will stay with Maya. Open the door, please.
Declan doesn’t say please often, so I put a pillow on my side of the bed and get out of Maya’s hold.
I walk soundlessly until I’m in front of the door.
I don’t know how Declan got Sammy to come here.
She was so afraid to die too, that she didn’t step out of her home.
She refused to. I didn’t visit her, I never left Maya’s side, except to shower and do basic hygiene, yet she was always in the room next to me.
I open the door when I hear a soft first knock. I see Sammy as I open it. She points at my phone. I check it and have a message from her.
Sammy: I was being unfair. I’ll stay with her for the rest of the night. You can go with Declan.
I look at her and mouth, “You sure?” She nods and I give her space to enter the room. That’s when I see Declan appear from behind her, he was in the complete darkness, I only saw his talk bulky silhouette.
“Dress this and follow me,” Declan requests, pointing at his favourite satin robe. He helps me put it on; his face remains emotionless as we walk downstairs. That’s when I see the setting he prepared.
We’ve got a night light illuminating the living room, a polar duvet, and Twilight’s beginning is playing on the TV. “You remember?” I ask him, and he nods.
“I remember everything about you,” Declan says, and I circle the couch to sit on it, but instead he scoops me into his arms and lays me on top of him, on my side, with my head on his chest, and covers us with the duvet.
The details mean everything. For a long time on difficult nights, I could only sleep like this with either him or Rian. I still had nightmares, but I managed to get some rest, or at least close my eyes for more than a few minutes.
This is the exact position I was in with Declan when my grandmother died. “I don’t want to talk,” I warn Declan, and feel a chuckle on his rib cage.
“I don’t need you to talk,” Declan says, “But you can if it helps you sleep,” Declan adds, and I sigh.
“How are you handling everything so well?” I ask Declan, looking up, his dark blue eyes staring into the dark nothingness outside.
“I’m not. I need to seem like I am because everyone is counting on me.
Plus, Rian is the emotional one; I have to step up.
I would never let him feel the real weight of our legacy.
He craves the darkness, the fights, the blood.
Because he doesn’t deal with the behind-the-scenes duties.
So I’m not handling everything well. I’m keeping an eye on everyone so that their will for revenge doesn’t get them killed,” Declan whispers, and I feel a shudder in his breathing.
I look away as a tear falls from Declan’s eyes, but I hug him tight.
“You’re not alone, Dec. I’m here,” I promise him, “I’ll always be,” I vow to it, and Declan’s hand falls on top of mine on the side of his waist.
“You’re not alone either. I wasn’t present for a long time because I couldn’t face you and Rian without remembering my mother.
I was ready to lose anyone but Rian and her.
She was the only one who saw light within my darkness, until you entered the picture.
I saw her in you. And I couldn’t stay, it was a constant reminder she was gone forever,” Declan pauses to take a deep breath, his body shaking, “What I didn’t realise was that by doing that I was losing you forever as well”
“Do you still see her in me?” I ask him, and he lifts my chin so that I’m looking at him.
“I do. But now I choose to see you as the light within my darkness,” Declan says.
I can feel his warm breath on my lips. “Are you and Dominik a thing?” he questions, and I calculate my response.
Declan is impulsive with his feelings, and him opening up about them is beyond rare. I don’t want to scare him off.
“No. I mean, I don’t know. We could be, but there was someone still in my mind that no matter how hard I tried to shake off my being, wouldn’t agree to be erased,” I admit and Declan’s lips crush against mine.
My whole body feels alive, like it’s being recharged after years of running on low energy.
I deepen the kiss I’ve been craving for 4 years. Declan and I fight for dominance. When I’m done fighting, I almost see his smirk in my head, as he ravishes my being. I blame the lack of sleep for my poor judgment. I kissed him. I kissed Declan. There’s no coming back.
Declan parts our lips, and I slowly open my eyes to see him with the said smirk. He’s too beautiful for this reality, too painfully handsome.
“Don’t eye fuck me, Love, patience isn’t a skill I master,” Declan says and I roll my eyes, resting my head again against his chest.
“Are you admitting to having a field you don’t have expertise in?” I ask him laughing.
“Stop laughing, Love. Sleep,” he says, and I can actually feel his body tense as I adjust myself in his grasp.
“Thank you,” I whisper with my eyes closed.
“For what?” Declan asks, his chest rising and lowering as he breathes.
“For coming back, and still being you,” I reply, and he holds in a chuckle. I hold on to his shirt tighter.
“I’d say I’m an improved version that doesn’t lack empathy.
” That’s what Declan always struggled with.
Emotions, or better, lack of most of them.
For some reason, he always made an effort with Rian and me.
But we’re the exception to the rule. Declan is inflexible with anyone else. No matter the age, gender or status.
“Fake empathy,” I correct him, knowing it will piss him off.
“Still empathy,” Declan says but by his pulse quickening, he’s not done.
“You'd better sleep before I resort to other measures to drift you off,” it was a warning. A deadly one. For some reason, my core heats up, and I feel an adrenaline rush. I fight this feeling because maybe I’m not ready to see that side of Declan.
Definitely not with the risk of anyone walking in on us.
“Good night, Dec,” I whisper, his right arm is still holding me against him. I feel guilty for leaving Maya. I feel guilty for that kiss. Yet I do not feel guilty for being able to sleep soundlessly for the first time in 4 years.
When I wake up, Declan isn’t there anymore. He probably went to work with Damian. We’re not two students anymore, we’re adults, with more responsibilities than normal ones can begin to imagine.
I get up and check my phone. I have a message from him.
Declan: There are pancakes in the kitchen ;)
Me: Such a gentleman!
As I reply, I move to the kitchen and see it’s 8am on the microwave. I totally forgot to check the time on my phone. I was busier thinking about something, or better, someone else.
I get the two pancakes plate and eat them as I start cleaning the living room to its normal state. When I finish eating, I clean the dishes and go upstairs to my room, quietly opening the door to see both Sammy and Maya sound asleep.
I silently go to my wardrobe, take some new clothes and my emergency daily care bag, before getting outside the room and closing the door. I feel like the perfect spy as I hear Maya lightly snore.
I go to the common bathroom, lock the door, change clothes, wash my face and brush my teeth, and get back out. When I enter the living room, Marcus and Dominik are there with Josh.
“Hey, little Kane,” Marcus says, and I wave at them. Dominik gets up and follows me outside.
“Josh told me you need some things from the store. Care to have some company?” Dominik asks as I grab my comfiest jacket from the back of the entrance door.
“Sure,” I say, feeling guilty for some reason. Dominik and I are only friends. We’ve been only friends for two years. And it was the best two years without Declan, and the only time I wasn’t mainly surviving, I was actually living and thriving.
“Hey, can I steal you for one second?” Josh asks and Dominik heads for his car to give us space. “I need to warn you about something.”
“I don’t need your warnings about Declan-”
“No, you do, and you’ll hear me or I’ll tell dad about you two and he’ll put you both on a leash.
” Josh threatens, I sigh and gesture for him to keep going.
“Declan wasn’t like you, Love. He didn’t wait for you; he dated someone in Caltin.
A girl he’s still in touch with. A girl he considered staying there for.
Declan may be your big love. But you deserve to be someone’s big love too, not a second choice.
And unfortunately, that person isn’t Declan,” Josh says and walks back inside the home after briefly caressing my shoulder as a supportive gesture.
I shrug at myself unsure of how to feel.
My brother is right. I deserve to be the one and only choice, not the one who stayed.
That’s all I’ve been for 4 years, and I’m done being the girl that stayed, especially since that means Declan is the boy who left, partly because of me.
I can’t live in fear that he’ll see me as his mother again and flee.