Bianca
After crying myself silly at Elodie’s grave, he waited until he felt I was safe enough to drive, then he followed me home. We’d showered and were in bed. The fog in my mind had cleared. And I knew that there were things I needed to know. And there was something that was bugging me.
“Cash, how did you know I lied and where I was? Did you come to the apartment and see me leaving, so you followed me?”
I hadn’t heard a bike following me, and his was loud. I was facing him when I asked. I caught his wince. I scooted up so I faced him better.
“Binx, I have a couple of things I need to tell you. Hear me out first, and then you can ask more questions or give me hell.” Chaos wore a slightly contrite look.
“Alright, go ahead,” I murmured.
“After what happened to you at the bar, we—as in the club and your cousin—wanted to make sure you were safe. What if the person who drugged you knew you were searching for him? Or had somehow discovered where you lived? We wanted to make sure to have eyes on you. And… we weren’t sure you would stay away from the bars.
We knew you were driven to find who was responsible, but not why. I get how personal it is for you now.
“Anyway, to help with all that, we placed a few cameras around and trackers. It was because of those that Shadow was alerted that you were at home, even though you said you were at the gym. He checked, then saw you leave for the church. He called me.”
Astonishment mixed with outrage hit me, but I held back. I needed more information. Chaos lay there watching me. He wasn’t saying anything more.
“Are you done?” I asked.
“I want to say one more thing. We weren’t trying to invade your privacy. No one was watching your every move or constantly monitoring the camera feeds. It was to keep you safe, even if it had to be from yourself.”
I let the silence stand for several seconds as it sank in. I found my voice.
“I have a couple of questions. First, you said Shadow was alerted. How? Why?” I asked. I needed to understand that first.
“He’d have to give you exact details of how, but he told me that he programmed in key terms that if you searched for them on your computer, it would alert him.
You had typed in something about sexual assault.
When you did, it sent an alert, so he checked the cameras.
Then he saw you leave the house. He wondered where you were headed, hoping it wasn’t to a bar.
He tracked your car, and when you stopped and stayed at the church, he called me. He thought I might be with you.”
“He tracked the words and then my car? How?”
I suspected what he would say, but I wanted him to confirm it. Chaos appeared uncomfortable, but he answered.
“When Mishap gave him the key to install the cameras in your apartment, Shadow uploaded a tracking program on your laptop. And then he placed a tracker on your car at a different time. Again, we weren’t trying to spy, not really, just protect.”
I heard the plea in his voice, but I ignored it and kept going.
“Were there cameras in my bedroom? The bathroom? Who had access to watch the feed? Were you planning to tell me about them or the tracking device and program?”
“No camera in the bedroom or bathroom, only in common areas. And outside your front door. Shadow was the only one with access, and maybe Cambria, since she sometimes helps with this sort of thing, but I don’t know for sure if she had access to yours.
As for whether we were going to tell you…
I don’t know. We didn’t discuss it. I think we hoped they’d become unnecessary and we’d quietly remove them. ”
I had to give him credit. He answered truthfully, as far as I could tell. And he seemed uneasy about what they did. Was it true remorse? Or just remorse about having to tell me? I got no feeling that there was regret about placing the cameras, trackers, and program in the first place.
While I was touched that they worried about me enough to do it, that didn’t negate the fact that they unilaterally invaded my privacy and took away my right to decide.
And what if I had brought a man home and had sex on the couch?
God, had they seen Chaos and me making out in my living room before he took me to bed?
“You need to leave,” I said firmly.
Fear flashed across his face. Chaos reached over to take my hands, but I pulled them back. He froze.
“Please, Bianca, please don’t do this. I’m sorry. We only wanted to guard you.”
“You don’t get it, do you? You totally trampled all over my autonomy.
What if I’d brought a man home and had sex in my living room?
My body would’ve been recorded. My privacy destroyed.
You decided what was right and did it without asking me.
You took away my right to decide. It’s the same thing that rapist or rapists are doing.
They do what they want to their victims. The victims have no say.
You guys psychologically raped me. You took away my trust.” I whispered the last part.
I felt sick to my stomach. And I wanted to cover myself in clothes from head to toe. Chaos turned pale beneath his tan. Horror filled his eyes.
“Christ, tell me you don’t really feel that way! You can’t see us, me as bad as a rapist,” he said hoarsely.
“It wasn’t quite as bad, but it was still taking from me something you had no right to take.
I didn’t say yes. I want those cameras taken down tomorrow morning.
And the tracker removed from my car and the program taken off my laptop.
And if there is anything else you’ve done to so-called protect me, get rid of it.
If it’s not done by ten a.m., I’m calling the police. ”
“Bianca, baby, we’ll remove them, everything—no need to call the cops. I never thought of it that way. I’m sorry. Please tell me how I can make it up to you. I don’t want this to destroy us. We’re strong. We can get through this.”
Chaos rambled like no other time we’d had tough conversations. His fear remained. But I couldn’t worry about his feelings or how to fix something that I wasn’t certain was fixable. I needed time to think, and I couldn’t do that with him in my apartment. I needed to be alone.
“You can leave and let me think. I need to process everything. And I can’t do it with you around. You and the club, after you get rid of your cameras and shit, need to stay away and leave me alone. No calls or texts. No dropping by. I need everyone to leave me in peace.”
Chaos slumped next to me, pain and regret etched lines into his face. His eyes shimmered as if he were about to cry.
“Bianca, I’ll say sorry every day for the rest of our lives.
I’ll show you every day that I mean it. And I’ll never do anything like this again.
I hate that we made you feel the way you do.
It makes me sick to think that. Whatever it takes, I will earn your forgiveness, and so will the club.
Everything will be removed. But Bianca, I can’t handle having zero contact.
I at least need a text once a day to know you’re alive and okay.
It’ll almost kill me to stay away, but I’ll do it. ”
Chaos’s voice cracked. He had never appeared so defeated.
“I’ll think about it. I’m making no promises. Now, you need to take your stuff and go.”
I got out of bed and went to the kitchen. I wasn’t about to watch him dress and pack the small bag he brought with him. It wasn’t long before he was out in the living room. He walked to the door. I followed to lock it behind him. Chaos opened it, then turned to me before stepping outside.
“I want you to know something before I go. I was waiting until you were more at ease with our relationship to tell you. And I’m not saying this to manipulate you.
It’s one hundred percent true. I love you, Bianca.
I love you, and I want you to be my old lady.
I want to grow old with you and have a family.
I believe you feel the same. Don’t let this destroy us.
Don’t let the anger and resentment eat you alive.
We can work this out if you give me a chance. ”
I had to fight to keep from reacting to his declaration of love.
My heart had leaped. I wanted to cry because I’d wanted to hear him say those words so I could tell him that I loved him, too.
Those things he claimed to want, I wanted.
But I couldn’t encourage him. I had no idea if I could forgive him, so I kept my expression blank.
And I saw the pain my nonreaction caused him before he walked away.
I shut and locked the door before he got to the corner of the building. I refused to watch to see if he glanced back. As soon as the door was shut and locked, I sank to the floor, with my back to the door, and I burst out sobbing. My body shook, and my chest hurt as I cried.