Chapter Twenty-one #2
“I feel fine now. I don’t need to relax.”
“Actually, you do, Ms. Ryan. You do. Every time you’re stressed, your body reacts as it would if you were going to use your powers. So we need to keep you in a sedated state. Look.”
Dr. Ryder motioned to David, who then picked up a mirror and held it up to my face. “Turn your chin to the side.”
I did, and I saw the bruises along my neck fading. “It’s going away!”
“Not quite, young lady, no. They’ll stay this way. Faded, but not gone. As long as you keep your anxiety and stress down, it won’t get any worse.”
“Well, that’s impossible.” I frowned. “But why is this even happening? I don’t know of any condition that affects your bones because of your mental state.”
“It isn’t the reason, young lady. Of course not,” Dr. Ryder said, holding my power-dampener necklace. After we realized the Org might know about the bracelets, we switched to using necklaces and earrings. The guys wore rings. “It’s more or less these.” He dangled the necklace over my face.
“We think it’s because you’re unable to use your powers,” David said.
“What?”
“Yes, yes. Your ability to absorb all energy around you is what makes you a magnificent amplifier and conduit. In the past, you were constantly drawing energy in and then discharging it before it could reach critical levels.”
David nodded. “But since there’s been no release, everything you took in before the dampener is still trapped. That’s what’s pressurizing your bones.”
“So the dampeners are not helping?”
“They are, actually,” David replied. “Whatever energy you had already absorbed is what’s causing the expansion whenever you’re unable to control your emotions. Without them, you would’ve already overloaded completely.”
“It’s a working theory, young lady.”
“Right.” David scratched his head. “It’s all still in there with nowhere to go when you’re not in control. We think.”
“You think?”
“Correct! We believe a cocktail of triple blockers and sedatives should act as a stabilizer until you can use your gift. Indeed, it’s the only way to give your system the relief it so desperately requires,” Dr. Ryder said.
“How would I get a triple blocker? What does that mean?”
“Necklace, earrings, and a bracelet for your ankles!” He shook his head, muttering to himself. “I can’t be bothered with jewelry names. Gabby called it an ankle-something. No matter! This ensures you’re protected from head to toe.”
“Can’t Gabby do a bubble for me to use my powers instead?”
“We’re afraid they might know about the force field now, and will look for the smallest fluctuations,” David said. “Once we find a location that might be safe, we’ll let you burn it off.”
“What if the blockers and sedatives don’t work?”
“They will for now.” David loosened the restraints and helped me sit up. “Sorry about these. We didn’t want you to get up if we weren’t around. How do you feel? Can you walk?”
“I think so. Just a little weak.”
“Good, good. You can go with the others, young lady. I will work on a solution for you. If I don’t succeed, we’ll have to resort to removing your powers, much like you did with Mr. Pierce. We’ll give you the shot and take care of everything.”
“What?” I rubbed my temple, though I immediately let my hands drop. I didn’t want them making a big fuss again over a small headache. I was feeling better, and for all I knew, my head was only pulsating because of the bomb Dr. Ryder had just dropped. Did I want to remove my powers? At all?
“Only as a last resort,” David said. “I assure you we’ll do everything we can to help you until you can use your powers and feel better naturally.”
“Can’t we do the inhibitors instead?”
“You’ll have the same problem you do now with the current dampeners.”
I felt a lump in my throat. “What if I refuse to take the shot? Like if the extra dampeners stop working? What happens if I don’t want my powers removed?”
“Well, young lady. Your powers are either going to explode out of you in a massive flow and give away our location, or your bones will crumble under the pressure of holding it all in.” Dr. Ryder crumpled a piece of paper in his fist.
Great. Like I needed a visual for it. “Not literally, though, right? Just more of the pain I already have?”
“I’m sorry, Ryan.” David shook his head. “There are already hairline fractures starting in your heel, and they’ll keep splintering. I can show you the scan if you want. I just have to get it.”
“No, that’s okay. I don’t wanna see.”
“But not to worry, we’ll keep you comfortable for as long as possible.” Dr. Ryder flattened out the paper, handing it to me. “I’ll see if I can make a temporary version. Off you go.”
Comfortable? The word alone seemed so out of place. How could I be comfortable knowing each day might bring me closer to losing a part of who I was?
The idea of a life without the abilities that had become so ingrained in my identity was suffocating.
Yet, the excruciating pain I had been living in made me stop and reconsider.
I was in a state of inner turmoil, torn between a life filled with pain and a very mundane, powerless existence.
When would the cost of maintaining my powers become greater than the suffering they were causing me?
And what if . . .
What if giving up my powers meant I couldn’t help rescue Jack and our friends? That wasn’t something I could forgive myself for. No. I couldn’t live with that. Elisa had said I would help, so my pain was gonna have to be a part of me for as long as possible.
But time, as ever, was the one constant that didn’t fail. It passed and passed, and my pain grew and grew . . .
There had been nothing to do but wait. Every single lead we chased, every thread of hope we pulled, was met with frustrating, impenetrable blocks.
Yet another month had gone by, and if ever I’d felt useless, it was nothing compared to now.
I was feeling better physically since we’d started my cocktail of sedatives with the necklace, earrings, anklet, and now two ring blockers. But I was losing myself.
The moon and sun gave me no light. Food offered no energy.
Water brought no satiety. I was hollow. I was less me than when I had amnesia.
I had to really dig deep every day because I had no idea how to fight for everyone when I, myself, was a hole.
A big, hungry, black hole absorbing its own energy.
And with no output, I wouldn’t be surprised if I was sucking my own life inside out.
I was killing myself with each second that passed, but every time Kevin looked at me, I fought a little more. Every time I looked at Elisa or at Annie and Nick, I knew I could do it. I just needed to hold on one more day, one more breath, and one more damn sedative at a time.
“Come on! Something’s happening,” Kevin said, pulling me to the driveway.
Nick had returned, and he’d brought Robert with him. He’d left a few days before, and since we were used to him and Chris being gone a full week for supply runs, seeing him back this soon sent us into a panic.
Normally, their runs lasted much longer because they took every precaution to avoid being followed, surveying their surroundings and making random stops before heading back home.
This time, Nick had left in a hurry. There had been an ambiguous message from Robert, and because Nick refused to put any of us in danger, he went alone.
We hadn’t heard a word until he pulled up, calling for help.
“What’s happening? Is he okay?” Annie asked, running up to Nick.
“Yes, he’s still asleep from the pill. But I need help to bring him inside.”
Jay and Kevin brought in Robert, while Gabby and I took care of their bags.
As we entered, David and Dr. Ryder were already inside, diligently monitoring Robert’s vitals as he peacefully slept on the couch. “Yes, yes. Mr. Pine is going to be A-okay! Give him water when he wakes.”
I instinctively turned to Jay, who gave me two thumbs up.
Gabby smiled. “Thanks, Dad.”
Dr. Ryder nodded and then turned to look at Elisa and his grandchildren watching from the dining room table. They’d been playing board games. “Come on, kids, I have more experiments for you.”
They jumped up and ran behind him. He’d been giving them random fun solutions to mix, like vinegar with baking soda. He even gave them a model to build a volcano into which they could pour the solution. But still, they had been getting restless.
“So what happened? Why is he here?” Annie asked.
“He didn’t feel safe,” Nick said. “He was called to an off-site meeting, but after working late the night before, he realized his access was revoked. He skipped it and didn’t even dare go home.”
“You think they’ve known he was our ally all along?” I asked.
“Maybe.”
“But you’re here faster than normal. What if they followed you?” Chris asked.
“He’s been in hiding for a week, and we’re sure he was safe before he called. I met him in the middle of a road where there were no cars for miles on either side. We waited more than eight hours before we ditched his car and came here.”
“His actual car?” Chris asked.
“No, one of your backups,” Nick said. “And it’s well hidden. No one will find it. Don’t worry.”
After Robert was awake, fed, and caught up, we were back to planning. Or back to square one. At this point, who knew? We had to do something, though. We came to the agreement that staying hidden was not helping our progress, so we made the decision to get moving and take charge of the situation.
“What’s the matter, Ry?” Jay asked.
“We were going to try to broadcast our message to Luminaries from the Org’s computers, but with Robert here, we’ll have to skip that and go in alone.”
Annie sighed. “We were always alone.”
“We should still try,” Nick said.
“Maybe it’s a sign.” Kevin shrugged. “Now we won’t alert them that we’re coming after them.”
“They know you’re coming,” Robert said. “They have to be expecting it.”
“But they don’t know when.”
I turned from Kevin to Robert. “And now we can’t trust any intel you had.”
“Sorry.”
“Not your fault.” Annie placed a hand on his shoulder.