Chapter 16 Charlie
CHARLIE
—from the journal of Charlie Forrester
While Bennett showered, Rosie came by with a cold pizza, a lot of winks and elbow nudges, and one long hug before she took Hansel and left to stay at the Savages’ house.
And I was staying here. The original plan was to take Bennett’s boat to the cabin, so my overnight pack had been stowed on the boat before the wedding.
But wearing my wedding dress all night was not an option.
So I’d stolen Bennett’s clean boxers, a shirt, and a Forrester Expeditions hoodie from his closet.
More than once, I’d pulled the collar of the sweatshirt to my nose and inhaled Bennett’s familiar masculine scent.
I was currently living my teenage dream.
Married to Bennett Forrester.
Wearing Bennett Forrester’s clothes.
Sleeping in Bennett Forrester’s house.
I bounced on my heels with nerves. Bennett and I hadn’t really talked about expectations for our wedding night—or any night hereafter. We’d been caught in a whirlwind of wedding planning and interviews, and I’d forcefully put the thought out of my mind.
We still had to figure out sleeping arrangements. I’d sleep in the guest room tonight, but at some point, we were going to have to get used to sleeping next to each other. Survival shelters were not that big.
I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, but my stomach churned when I pulled the pizza out of the oven. Bennett and I needed to have an awkward conversation.
While I was wearing his underwear.
Perfect.
Bennett came out of his bedroom, the scent of fresh soap and steam following him, wearing sweatpants that pooled at his bare feet and a T-shirt that clung to his still-damp chest. His shoulder-length hair was wet and looked like it had been finger-combed.
“Smells good.” He took a stool at the counter and grabbed one of the plates I’d loaded with pizza. “I’m starving. Thanks for heating that up.”
“I don’t think we should sleep together,” I blurted.
Bennett froze, the pizza halfway to his mouth, a comically shocked expression on his face. Or it would be comical, if I weren’t so mortified.
I dug myself deeper. “It’s just that it would be weird, right?
I’m wearing your boxers, so like, where is the line, you know?
But that’s not the kind of marriage this is, and I value our friendship, but I know that there are certain expectations when you get married, and …
” I waited for him to interrupt my rambling, to cut me off and tell me what was going to happen like Greg would, but he didn’t.
Instead, he nodded and chewed through his bite of pizza slowly, every moment agonizing for me. Then he grinned. “You’re wearing my boxers?”
I groaned and dropped my head to the counter as I hiked up the hem of the oversized sweatshirt. “The ones with the rubber ducks on them.”
His laughter was contagious, and I couldn’t help giggling, even as I kept my forehead pressed to the counter, in case the universe decided to start working in my favor for once and suck me into it.
“We should set boundaries,” Bennett said casually, still smiling when I finally got the courage to glance up at him.
“Right?” I glanced at my pizza in relief. Maybe I was a little hungry after all.
“You can wear any of my clothes at any time.” He cocked a half-smile at me. “We’ve already gone over how you have an open invitation for touching my chest.”
My cheeks could not get any hotter. Physically. Could. Not.
He reached across the counter and tugged my hands down from my cheeks. “You know I’m an affectionate person, but I’ll never do anything you don’t want me to do. We can keep acting as we have been, as friends, okay?”
“Okay. That’s a relief.” Is it, Charlie? Then why did it feel so disappointing? “Such a relief.”
“Good,” Bennett said. “What boundaries do you have?”
“Well, um. You can also wear my clothes whenever you want.”
“Thank you so much for that generosity.”
“My torso is a little more off-limits—”
He snorted a laugh.
“—but I’d love to hold hands and be close still,” I continued as if my face wasn’t turning hot. “I mean, we kind of have to for the show, because we’re the newlyweds. If that’s okay. Only if you want to.”
“I always want to.”
My face was the burning fires of Mount Doom. “Great. Okay. Good. I’m glad we had this discussion.”
“Me too. I want you to feel free to talk to me about anything, anytime, okay?”
I took a tiny nibble of my pizza, just enough to know that my stomach was done for the day. “I’m going to bed.”
“Good idea,” Bennett said.
“The camera crew is going to meet us at the docks tomorrow morning at 9 to film our send-off.”
We both stood and had an awkward moment where I had to slip past him, but he moved with me one way and then the other. He took my arms and held them gently. Then he dropped a friendly kiss on the top of my head. “Good night, Chuck.”
Ilay awake for hours, trying—and failing—to fall asleep. My body was exhausted, but my brain wouldn’t turn off. What in the world had I done? I’d never been so impulsive in my entire life.
I’d broken up with Greg. The person I’d thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I knew he’d been a jerk and he’d gone too far and he always cut me off and none of my friends liked him—but I’d loved him since I was a teenager. I couldn’t imagine my life without him.
And not just him. I’d given up the life I’d planned on having.
That mansion on the hill I’d always dreamed of living in.
The person in my life who knew me better than anyone.
I’d miss holding his hand. It was silly, but that’s almost always what brought me back to him after we broke up.
His fingers interlocked with mine made me feel tethered in place.
All I’d wanted my entire life was to belong. In those moments, with Greg, I had.
You’re hard to love.
I was never going to forget those words. If anyone else had said it to me, it would have hurt. Having the person I’d thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with say it? It was like he’d harpooned my chest to the mast of a ship, where everyone could see me suffer.
Maybe they all agreed with him. They probably did. Look at Bennett. His entire life was upended because he was friends with me. He said I wasn’t hard to love, but that was so Bennett. His life would definitely be better if we’d never met.
Did I need to give up all my passions and dreams to find someone to be with forever? I had chosen my job and dogs over Greg in a million different ways, so maybe he was right.
I buried my face in the pillow to muffle my sobs. I thought I’d be marrying the man of my dreams, but instead he’d broken my heart. And instead of Bennett marrying the woman of his dreams, he was stuck with me.
Snot ran down my nose, and my breaths came in shuddered gasps. I curled into a ball, folding into myself, wishing I could disappear.
Why did life have to be so hard? Hurt so much?
The bed dipped down next to me, and a firm hand rested against my back. “Charlie,” Bennett said in a low, sleep-scratched voice.
“I’m… so… sorry… I…” I couldn’t finish the sentence, the words too hard to get through my hyperventilating breaths.
“Can you sit up?” Bennett helped me upright, my feet dangling off the bed, and he wrapped his arm tightly around my shoulder.
I copied his deep breaths, grounded by the weight of his arm on me.
I used to have panic attacks like this when I was little, right after Dad died.
I knew how to spot one coming, do my deep breathing, not get sucked into its vortex.
Unless it snuck up on me. All the pain, the hurt, the emotions I’d held at bay all week, the tears, the explosion of my expectations … it was too much to hold at once.
“Breathe in, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four,” Bennett said.
I tried to follow his lead, but my brain was frog-jumping lily pad to lily pad with scattered thoughts.
“Did you know that pigs don’t sweat?” I shook my head, and he pretended to rear back, surprised.
“I thought everyone knew that. Wow. That’s why they roll around in mud to cool down.
I always wanted a pig, but my mom was adamantly against it.
She loved pigs in theory but didn’t want another dependent, even though I promised to take care of it. ”
He was throwing me a lifeline, and even though it was slipping through my fingers, I was trying to grab a hold.
“Don’t worry, though. My pig-owning desires were short-lived. I don’t want one now. But did you know that a hippo’s sweat is red?”
I shook my head, and gripped his arm with trembling fingers. Focus on Ben.
“For the record, I never asked my mom to get me a hippo, but I wouldn’t have turned one down.” He continued to name more weird facts, then moving into fishing excursion stories. The pure stupidity of people on a boat finally managed to distract me enough to take my first deep breath in a long time.
A glance at the clock showed me that an hour had passed. An hour where I was in the depths of a panic attack, and Bennett’s soothing voice led me out of it. A life preserver in a dangerous storm yet again. This was becoming a pattern.
Number one on the list that makes you hard to love: being too needy.
“I’m going to grab you a drink,” he said, once he realized that my breathing was normal.
He slowly pulled his arm away, and I tensed at the cool air that blew across my shoulders.
I felt like I would float away with nothing to tether me here.
He was back in less than a minute with a cold water bottle.
I held it to my cheek and forehead, then behind my neck, before taking a sip from it.
“I’m so sorry.” I couldn’t meet his eyes.
“You don’t need to apologize.”
“But it’s embarrassing I can’t handle my own emotions.” Another sickening thought hit me. “I swear this isn’t some ploy to make you prove you care for me.”
“Charlie. I know. You would never do that.” His jaw was tight, and he rocked it back and forth to relax it.