Chapter 28
T he first thing we did when we arrived on Main Street was buy some over-the-top Mickey ears. We all looked silly and cheesy and yet Alex, Benny, Mom, Petra, and I were smiling from Mickey ear to ear when we placed them on our heads and took a group picture.
“I request Indiana Jones first,” I said to the four of them as we finally procured some coffee and started walking toward Sleeping Beauty’s castle.
“I did research.” I lifted up my phone and had a rough itinerary written in the Notes app.
“The top things we need to do are Indiana Jones, Space Mountain if it’s not closed for maintenance, Jungle Cruise if little Benny can handle it. ”
“Rude,” Benny said, shaking her head.
“Benny and Disneyland really did not mix,” Petra said, chuckling.
People kept stealing glances at her and it took me a minute to remember that she used to be a supermodel.
An older woman surreptitiously took a picture of Petra, but she didn’t notice.
She practically floated through the park, impervious to all the heads turning in her direction.
It made me think about the last time we were here when she was at the very height of her fame and people stopped her constantly.
I also remember my mom biting back tears, watching her best friend flourish while she was still auditioning for roles that went to other blond-haired starlets.
I’d felt all of it—took on Mom’s pain as my own, helped with Benny so she wouldn’t be overwhelmed, tried to soothe her.
“We carried Benny out of the park and the only one of us that wasn’t sobbing was Charlie,” Mom said. “Charlie asked if she could stay without us. At Disneyland! Such a precocious eleven-year-old.”
“I thought I’d just hop on the monorail and meet up with you guys later,” I said, shrugging.
“You were fearless,” Mom said.
Fearless? I didn’t tell Mom or Petra that part of the reason I wanted to stay at the park alone was because I was overwhelmed by how much emotion I’d been picking up on between the two of them.
Petra’s annoyance at not being able to walk through Disneyland like a “normal person” and Mom’s frustration that she was still a “normal person.” Benny, feeling ignored and scared, and me feeling like I had to be her mom even though our own mom was right there, caught in the tangle of being happy for her best friend but also sick with envy.
Petra, having found out that she would be incapable of having children, trying to be our second mom.
Unsaid words, but intense energy for an eleven-year-old girl to pick up on.
Precocious? No, I remember feeling drained and anxious, needing time alone in a way no eleven-year-old should need it.
“Can I make a request?” Alex piped in. He was trailing behind us, and then caught up.
“Of course,” I said. He pulled up next to me, boldly grabbed my hand, and I felt myself take a surprised inhale. His hand was warm and soft in mine and the contact shot through my body like a firecracker. When I looked up at him, he had a secret little smile, like he knew he’d caught me off guard.
“We have to do the Jungle Cruise first,” he said. “We need to give Benny a chance to face her fears about this crocodile.”
His tone had this solemn sarcasm and the four of us, all in a line, burst out laughing.
“Not you, too, Alex,” Benny said, groaning. “Leave me alone.”
“Oh, my God, she’s still scared of it,” I cried.
“I’m not,” Benny screamed.
“We’ll have to get on the Jungle Cruise to find out,” Alex said.
“I hate all of you,” Benny said, sticking her bottom lip out.
“We’ll go now and do Indiana Jones after,” I said. “It’s all in Frontierland. Follow me.”
“I’m glad someone is organized,” Mom said. “And has a map.”
“I don’t think we’ve ever planned a single thing in our lives, Jack,” Petra said, laughing.
“I know,” I told them, veering us all to the left of the massive courtyard in front of Sleeping Beauty’s castle and into Frontierland. “It used to stress me out.”
“And you being a stressed-out kid stressed me out,” Mom said. “You had so many lists!”
I held up my phone with a list of all the places we needed to hit. “What can I say? I love a list.”
“Me, too,” Alex whispered, just for me, and that camaraderie—having one person on my side—warmed me from the inside out.
When I was eleven and here in Disneyland with Benny, Mom, and Petra, I’d had a list then, too, written on a piece of lined paper ripped from a spiral-bound notebook.
I’d only checked off a couple things before we had to leave.
They had all wanted to “wing it” in the park, but there I was, wanting to experience everything.
It had been something so small, but that list made me feel apart from them, like I wasn’t the easygoing girl they expected or wanted.
It’s so funny how those seemingly inconsequential moments of little rejections stick with you for years.
“Can you come with me into the bazaar real quick?” Alex asked, pointing to the left. We were almost to the Jungle Cruise, but there was a little marketplace next to us.
“Sure,” I told him. And to everyone else I said, “We’ll be right back.”
He pulled me into this little alcove and pushed me up against one of the red clay walls.
“Sorry,” he whispered. “I needed to get you alone for a minute.”
I smiled and joked, “Wow, you’re obsessed with me.”
His lips were grazing across my neck in tantalizing slowness.
“Oh, I totally am.”
“I’m not complaining.”
“I can’t wait till I have you all to myself for three days.”
His eyes were locked on mine. I could feel his breath on my lips.
“Kiss me before they come looking for us,” I commanded and his smile in response was so radiant that my body felt like a shaken can of Diet Coke, just ready to pop.
“I like when you tell me exactly what you want,” he whispered, and before I could say anything, his hands were framing my face and his mouth was on mine, and it was so delicious I moaned, right in broad daylight in Frontierland, of all places.
He took his time with this kiss, lingered on my lips, skimmed his tongue across mine, put his hands in my hair, pushed himself against me.
He was such a chef—he savored me like he wanted to lick the plate, get every last drop.
He kissed the corners of my lips, the tops of my cheeks, the center of my forehead, and I repeated the pattern on his face, hearing him softly groan at each bit of contact.
We were lost in each other, and it wasn’t until I heard the cry of a small child having a loud tantrum that I returned to my body and said, “Oh, shit, they’re waiting for us.”
He stared at me, dazed, and took a while before he answered and said, “I just went to another dimension I think.”
“Me, too,” I said, laughing. “If you told me the park was closing and we missed everything, I’d believe you.”
He smiled. “I used to hate being in the moment, but you make me want to be present, so I don’t miss a single minute.”
I had to shake off the emotion that bolted through my body. “Say more things like that, please.”
“I really do like you telling me exactly what you want,” he replied, placing a kiss on my forehead as I closed my eyes and fully appreciated it, like that spot was now anointed and precious.
“I’ll keep doing that, then.”
“Good.”
“Good.”
“Alright, let’s get back before Benny sends a squadron of Disney security after us.”
We walked out of the bazaar to find Benny, Mom, and Petra with their arms crossed across their chests, smiling, like they knew exactly what we’d done back there.
“Let’s get in line,” I said. “What are we waiting for?”
They all rolled their eyes and I laughed. Benny, Alex, and Petra walked ahead, while Mom and I hung back. The park was too crowded for all five of us to walk in a line together.
“It’s good to see you like this,” Mom said, hooking her arm into mine the same way Benny always did.
“How are you feeling?” I asked. “Since the other day?” I hadn’t wanted to bring it up again in front of everyone, but now that I had her alone, I wanted to check in.
“I’m good,” she said. I shot her a look. “No, really, I am. Everything works out the way it’s meant to.”
“You really believe that?” I asked.
“Of course I do.”
“But, how? Don’t you want things to work out differently?”
“If I spend all my time wishing things had worked out differently, I miss the life I’m having right here, right now.
Why would I torture myself like that? If I resist what’s meant for me, I end up unhappy.
But if I see all that is working for me, I’m left with peace.
If I can just trust that a rejection is a redirection and everything works out in perfect, divine timing, then the moment I am having right here becomes precious and perfect.
I am exactly where I’m supposed to be and nothing is wrong. ”
“But isn’t that passive and complacent? Can’t you work hard to change your circumstances?”
“Maybe,” she said, shrugging. “I just don’t think we have as much control as we want to believe. I trust that what’s meant to be, will be. And what’s meant to go, needs to go. And all of it is working for my highest good.”
“I believe in hard work,” I said. “And being in control of everything.”
She laughed. “I know you do,” she replied. “And if that makes you happy, I love that for you.”
“It definitely does not make me happy,” I confessed.
“Then why do you do it?”
Because I didn’t want to turn out like you, or get hurt ever again .
“It’s the only way I know how to be,” I said.
“I think you deserve to be happy, Charlie,” she said. “You can’t wait for the other shoe to drop your whole life. You wait long enough, and before you know it, your life will be over.”
“You’re right.”
“I am?” she asked, turning to me in surprise. “Since when?” She chuckled.
“I’ve been living in fear for a long time, Mom. I think I might be open to another way, but let me do it on my own terms. In my own time. Okay?”
“Always,” she said. “I’m here for the journey, Charlie baby. I go where you go.”
She pulled me into a hug.
The rest of the day passed in perfect succession.
We hit up all the rides we wanted. Benny made peace with the crocodile.
Space Mountain was miraculously open, and we all screamed at each twist and turn.
We got the good Star Wars adventure and laughed like kids.
We ate corn dogs and popcorn and something gourmet near Toontown for dinner.
We stayed for the fireworks, our feet aching.
On the way home, Mom drove us back and I fell asleep on Alex’s shoulder.
It was the happiest I’d felt in as long as I could remember. Maybe ever.
It might have been one of the happiest days of my life.