Chapter 44
M om and I turned, both stunned into silence. Benny was standing in the kitchen in an oversized sweatshirt and sweats, face red, voice booming.
“Yeah, that is enough,” I said, thinking Benny was on my side.
Instead, she turned to me and got in my face, finger to my chest. “No, that’s enough from you , Charlie. Wow , I am so stupid. I thought this experiment might actually soften you up, bring us all closer. But, everything is still Mom’s fault and nothing is ever your fault, is that it?”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Benny.”
“Oh, I do,” she said. “And then some. I’ve been listening to your whole conversation. I’m very sorry that you lost Noah, but honestly, Charlie, you are blaming all the wrong people. Mom is not your fucking scapegoat.”
“Oh, here she goes,” I said, scoffing. “Defending Mom. Of course. I’m always wrong, always the bad guy, always the one who doesn’t ‘get it’ like you two get it. Always on the outside. Sorry I’m not a ray of fucking sunshine like Benny and Jackie Quinn.”
“Well, I’d rather be a ray of fucking sunshine than a negative, cold person who’s closed off from the world.
I should have never agreed to keep what happened with Noah from Mom.
It has made you a bitter person. I’m sorry Noah died, but it was seven years ago, Charlie, and Mom didn’t cause this.
Mom has done nothing but love and support us our whole lives. ”
“YOU KNEW?” Mom boomed, standing up forcefully, crossing the kitchen to where Benny was standing. “You’re telling me you knew?”
“Charlie told me the day it happened, but she swore me to secrecy. Said if I told you, she’d never speak to either of us again!”
“Benny, how could you possibly keep something like this from me?” Mom asked, furious.
“Look what you’ve done,” Benny said, hard stare in my direction, throwing her hands up in the air. “Now you have Mom against me, which I guess was your plan all along. Get us all to hate each other and be miserable like you! Misery sure does love company, huh, Charlie?”
“Benny!” Mom cried. “Stop that. I’m not against you. I just wish you had told me. I could have saved Charlie if I knew. I could have brought her back to life.”
“Stop talking about me like I’m not even here,” I screamed. “I wasn’t some pity project. You didn’t need to save me then and you don’t need to save me now! Both of you think you know better than me about everything. I’m done .”
“You’re done?” Benny spat. “Well, I’m MORE DONE.”
“Girls, please,” Mom pleaded, trying to step in, but both of us raised our palms to stop her.
“You know what?” Benny said, sighing loudly.
“Maybe you’re right. Maybe we don’t fit.
Maybe you should have stayed away. Maybe you are incapable of love, I don’t know.
I’m tired. I’m so tired of trying to get you to open up.
To get you to smile. To get us all back to who we used to be together.
Maybe you’re just lost to the world now.
I can’t keep trying to love someone that doesn’t even want to be loved. ”
Mom gasped. “Benny, you don’t mean that.”
“I do, Mom,” she said, shaking her head. “If Charlie wants to stay locked in the past forever, then I guess I’m going to let her. If you hate us so much, Charlie, then why are you here? Why don’t you just leave and never come back?”
“I don’t hate you and Mom.”
“Well, it sure feels like you do,” Benny said.
“You want us to be like you? Closed off from everyone? Working eighty-hour weeks? Turning good men away who just want a chance to love you? Where’s Alex?
Let me guess. You pushed him away. You push everyone away, Charlie.
And soon enough, you’re going to end up the way you’ve always wanted it. Alone .”
Being alone was easier. Being alone meant there was no room for heartbreak.
No room for beauty or joy or love, either, but maybe it was the price you pay to be safe.
It’s too much—that in order to understand how beautiful life was, sometimes it needed to break your heart. I couldn’t take that chance.
In that moment, I felt I’d rather live a life of numb indifference and brutal apathy than risk having my heart broken.
Risk being loved by Benny and Mom and getting hurt and having it be as messy as it was right here, in the middle of the night, in this kitchen.
It was too complicated. They wanted me to be someone I wasn’t.
And I thought it would be easier for everyone if I was just out of the picture.
That’s how I felt right then. Like everyone’s life would be easier if I weren’t the added complication. Like my life would be easier if I was on my own, yet again.
Which was why I said, “I’m leaving.”
“Going where?” Mom asked, practically screeching. “Don’t leave. You can’t leave.”
“No,” Benny said, lethally calm. “Let her go, Mom. She doesn’t even want to be here, anyway. This is her excuse. She’s been waiting to make her escape from us. Because we’re the source of all her problems, apparently.”
“Charlie, don’t go,” Mom begged, crying. “We can work this out.”
“You can only work out something with a person who actually wants to work it out,” Benny said, letting out a wry, harsh laugh.
“If she wants to blame us for everything wrong in her life, let her. Obviously, she has no desire to take responsibility for anything. You think we’re too positive, too optimistic, but we do the work , Charlie.
We work through our issues, heal, open ourselves back up to life over and over again.
Can you say the same? Our optimism is hard-won.
Your pessimism is just the default. Who has the real work ethic here? Do you even want to change?”
“No,” I said quickly.
“There you go,” Benny said, outstretching her arms in an exaggerated shrug. “You’re lost and you don’t even want to find a way back. This has been a huge fucking waste of time.”
“I’m leaving, Benny, okay? You can go back to being in your little perfect life where nothing ever goes wrong. Fuck you, alright? Fuck you.”
“Bye, Charlie. Don’t call me if you need anything.”
“Girls, please, stop,” Mom begged.
But it was broken. It was irreparable.
And I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
I rushed upstairs, packed what little I’d brought, and was in my car within minutes, Mom running after me, imploring me to stay, but there was nothing to fix.
Nothing I wanted to fix. I didn’t need this in my life, didn’t need to be constantly reminded of my deficiencies.
I turned the ignition, and as I drove in the dark, I kept repeating to myself like a mantra, “I don’t need them.”
I don’t need them.
I don’t need them.
I don’t need them.
By the time I hit the Grapevine, I was in a trance, not allowing myself to think of a single thing, locking this all up in the same place I kept Noah.
I would be a fortress now. There was nobody left to open myself up for.
I didn’t want to do “the work” like Benny said.
The only way you could stand to live was to protect yourself.
And the only way I could protect myself was to isolate myself.
Through the stubborn, ridiculous tears that would not stop falling, I could hardly see in front of me in the heavy fog. I slowed down, thinking I was going to pull over to the shoulder until it cleared, until I could stop my chest from aching, tears blurring my vision.
But before I could pull over, I heard an ear-piercing crunch of metal on metal and everything faded to black.