23. Chapter 23
Chapter 23
Tessa
I scrutinized my appearance in the mirror while I finished washing my hands, surprised by what I saw. Gone were the dark circles beneath my eyes I used to spend countless hours trying to cover up. Even my worst bruises were all but faded. My eyes had a sparkle I couldn’t remember seeing before, and I noticed that for the first time in my adult life I looked like a happy, healthy woman my age.
The month I’d spent waitressing at the bar had flown by. Five nights a week, Finn drove me to work before settling into the same booth, ordering food, and hanging out for the duration of my shift. The first night he stayed, I chalked his presence up to kindness and a desire to ensure I was alright. When he continued to hang around, I was unsure what to make of his ongoing presence, but I couldn’t deny having my overprotective shadow around gave me a sense of security my life had sorely lacked before crashing in Absolution.
When I exited the bathroom, the sound of Luka’s nails on the hardwood penetrated the bedroom from the other side of the door. Since my arrival, I spent more nights sleeping with the dog than without. On the few nights when he chose to trot into Finn’s room instead, I made do without my furry bodyguard. The distant tapping as Luka disappeared into the living room reminded me why I was awake this early.
A few days after I started my new job, I woke from a nightmare shortly before sunrise. When I headed to the living room to read, I was momentarily paralyzed by a male figure along the tree line before recognizing it was Finn. I watched through the window as he disappeared into the woods. Since then, my curiosity about where he went grew with each passing day. Despite the late hours I worked, I continued to set an alarm each morning in an attempt to figure out his routine, before compensating for the short nights with a nap in the afternoon.
Each morning, he snuck away before dawn, leaving fully dressed in his cold weather gear, and returned an hour after sunrise with wet hair and rosy cheeks.
Determined to satisfy my curiosity, I woke that morning and dressed in the warmest things I owned before tiptoeing down the hallway. Nearing the entrance, I heard Finn preparing to leave.
The beep from the alarm being reset reached my hiding place, followed by the door quietly snicking shut and confirming Finn had left.
I moved toward the wall of windows in the living room and peeked through the glass just in time to see Finn’s tall frame disappear into the tree line. Knowing my time was limited if I didn’t want to lose him, I hurried to reset the alarm panel with my code before doing my best to follow his tracks in the snow.
The path was surprisingly well established considering the amount of snow we received since my arrival, revealing he traveled the same path regularly. Doing my best to follow Finn’s trail, I high-stepped through the deep drifts. Before long, my breathing grew labored.
I never realized how much effort it took to walk in the snow.
Instead of focusing on how out of shape I was, I focused on my surroundings. Giant pine trees towered above me, the snow glistening in the small amount of early morning light able to make it through the dense forestry.
This really was beautiful country. I had mental snapshots of Montana from my childhood memories, but they were vague imitations of the real thing.
My thighs started burning, and I contemplated whether it was in my best interest to turn back.
No, you can do this , I encouraged, forcing myself to press on.
After what felt like an hour, but was likely only fifteen minutes, the forest cleared. The sight of a lake so transparent I could see to the bottom stole the breath from my lungs while I gaped at the mountain’s reflection in the surface of the water. The rising sun brushed the peak, illuminating the snow-capped summit while casting everything below in shadow.
Splashing water pulled me from my reverie, and I saw Finn wading into the water in nothing but his boxer briefs. Before I could ask what the hell he was doing, he dove beneath the surface, disappearing below the ripples.
Resting my palm against the rough bark of the nearest tree, I caught my breath and waited for him to reappear.
I really shouldn’t be here. If the man was crazy enough to go swimming in a frigid lake in the middle of a Montana winter, then that was his prerogative. Speaking of it being the middle of winter, why the hell wasn’t the lake frozen over ? I puzzled through that last question when it dawned on me Finn still hadn’t come up for air. Unsure of how long he’d been under, but guessing it was at least a couple of minutes, fear sprinted through my veins.
Oh god, what if something happened, and he was stuck beneath the surface?
Despite the rubbery sensation in my legs, I sprinted from my hiding spot to the edge of the water and frantically scanned for any sign of Finn. The water was distressingly absent of any ripples, air bubbles, or dark shapes that might tell me where he was.
A feeling of terror greater than anything I experienced during my time with Daniel worked its way through my consciousness, and I began stripping my jacket and other layers from my body. Goosebumps spread as the cool air kissed my skin. Fully prepared to go in after him, a splash on the other side of the lake jerked me from my contingency plans to call for help when I was down to my last layer.
There, on the far side of the lake, stood a shirtless Finn. I froze, my sweatshirt halfway off my torso when he turned around and spotted me. Unable to see his facial expression from this distance, I pictured his furrowed brow while he tried to figure out what the hell I was doing here.
Sweet relief crashed over me at the knowledge he was okay, followed closely by blind panic as Finn dove beneath the water and began to swim toward where I stood.
Shit. I frantically piled back on my layers as my mind raced. What should I do? Maybe I should run back to the cabin? I rolled my eyes at my brain’s idiotic suggestion. What good would running do? He already saw me and knew I followed him here. God, what was I thinking? So what if the man I found myself constantly thinking about had a habit of disappearing into the woods every morning? It was none of my business what he did out here. He was under no obligation to tell me how he spent his free time, and he had every right to expect his privacy.
Goddamnit, I really screwed up.
As I began concocting alternate plans for when Finn asked me to leave his home, he reached the shore and walked toward me. The dawning light reflected off the water droplets clinging to his body, shimmering like diamonds when he barreled out of the water.
“Tessa, are you okay? What’s wrong?”
His deep voice washed over me, and tears pricked the back of my eyes. Dammit, I already missed his smooth baritone, and he was still right in front of me.
Unable to come up with any kind of explanation to justify my presence here, my lips remained glued together.
Finn moved closer, his normally brown locks now black as they clung to his head. He ran his hand through his hair, pulling it away from his face. A droplet of water fell to his chest with the movement. My eyes tracked the liquid while it trailed down his chest, narrowly missing his smattering of chest hair before descending down his rippled abdomen and disappearing beneath his boxer briefs.
The fabric clung to his body, drawing attention to the prominent bulge beneath his Adonis belt. Of course someone this gorgeous was well hung too. I mentally shook my head at myself. Some people had all the luck.
Finn called my name again, pulling me out of my blatant perusal. My cheeks heated, my thoughts turning fuzzy as I once again tried to come up with a way to explain the intrusion.
Still unable to get a response from me, Finn moved directly in front of me. His surprisingly warm hand landed on my cheek before gently forcing my gaze to meet his.
“Tessa, talk to me.”
“I’m sorry,” I squeaked.
The groove between his brows deepened. “What are you sorry for?”
Suddenly, I could hear the concern in his voice. No, not just the concern, the lack of anger.
Acknowledging it was time to come clean, I confessed everything. “I-I shouldn’t have followed you. I saw you disappear into the woods a few weeks ago and was curious what you were doing that had you coming back with wet hair every day.”
I stood completely still, waiting for his anger to come. It never did. Instead, his expression smoothed out, his lips curving up into a smirk.
“Well, now you know,” he said matter of factly. “Tell me, was it anything near as exciting as whatever you were envisioning over the last few weeks?”
My eyes traveled over his mostly naked and very sculpted body. Nope, definitely did not picture anything quite like this. The heat in my cheeks felt like an inferno against the frigid air of the mountain tundra.
Seeming to sense my embarrassment, Finn backed off and walked over to a fallen tree. A small pile of clothing rested on top of the weathered bark. Finn pulled a towel from the pile and began drying off.
Huh. Yep, that was definitely a detail I missed during my nervous meltdown.
Finn’s gaze met mine and held as he tossed the towel toward the tree. His thumbs tucked into the waistband of his briefs, the fabric moving ever so slowly south. My eyes widened when he continued to stare me down, the briefs inching further south with every passing second.
Feeling distinctly like a peeping tom, I whipped around, pretending to suddenly be fascinated by the trees. Finn’s laugh reverberated around the lake, its rich tone sending a shiver racing down my spine.
I rolled my lips together and wracked my brain for a reason to take off for the cabin when the sound of Finn’s footfalls crunched on the snow behind me.
His steps halted directly behind me, his warm breath caressing the shell of my ear when he whispered, “I’m decent now. You can turn around.”
Exhaling harshly, I turned toward him.
Finn’s eyes locked on my lips. The heat in his stare when he looked at me rendered me utterly speechless. His gaze moved across my face before meeting my own.
I swallowed hard, trying not to look away first. The feeling I was being hypnotized snaked its way through me, the same way it always did when our eyes locked like this. Each time, I forgot who I was and why I should keep my distance. The distinct feeling he could get me to do almost anything when we connected this way trickled through my consciousness. It was for that very reason I forced my body to move away, severing our connection in the process.
Seeming to sense my unease, Finn backed off. He squatted several feet away from me and picked up a rock before skipping it across the water. The ripples shattered the pristine surface of the lake before Finn stood tall again and looked around the snow-covered paradise surrounding us.
“It’s pretty incredible, huh?” he murmured.
Unable to come up with any words to do this place justice, I simply nodded. When I turned to look at him, he was studying my expression. Still embarrassed by the situation, I wrapped my hands in the hem of my sweatshirt and began to play with the soft fabric. His eyes dropped when he noticed my nervous habit.
“Come on,” he said as he grabbed his towel and wet boxer briefs before heading for the tree line. “I’ll walk you back to the house. The path is decently worn at this point, but I don’t want you to end up lost in the woods,” he added, his reassuring tone at odds with his subdued posture.
I trailed behind him while he led us back to the opening in the trees where our tracks disappeared into the forest.
The sound of snow crunching beneath our boots surrounded us as we made the trek back to his cabin in silence. My mind replayed the events of the last hour on repeat. No matter how hard I tried, I kept coming back to the one thing I wasn’t able to figure out.
“Why isn’t the lake frozen?” I blurted before subsequently fighting the urge to slap my hand across my mouth. Well, there was no going back now that I brought it up. “It’s the middle of winter in the mountains of Montana. Shouldn’t there be several feet of ice on the lake?”
A small smirk spread across Finn’s face, and he glanced over at me. “Yes, most lakes would be frozen over by now. But this lake never freezes.”
While I was never the best student in class, even I knew that didn’t make sense. Frowning, I wracked my brain in an effort to understand how the lake was able to defy the laws of physics but came up empty.
As if he could read my mind, Finn explained, “A few hundred years ago this lake was a hot spring. Over time, tectonic shifts created crevices and diverted the heated water away from the lake itself.” Finn paused before he pushed a tree branch out of his way. “Don’t get me wrong, the water is still cold, but it receives enough heated water to prevent it from freezing over.”
I absorbed his explanation and deliberated my next question. Since I had little left to lose, I decided to satisfy my curiosity. “Why would you want to go swimming in a frigid lake in the first place?”
Finn fell silent, his chin dipping to his chest while a pensive expression spread across his face. We continued walking the path, and I presumed my question pushed too far when he failed to answer.
Surprise ricocheted through me when he broke the silence. “I found this place back in high school when I was out hiking one summer. It was so… peaceful I decided to come back every day until school resumed. Each morning, I woke up before the rest of my family and hiked up here. I’d spend an hour swimming and working on my overall conditioning. By the time I was done, the sun would be peeking over the mountain tops like it was this morning.” He broke off and held out his hand to steady me while I stepped over a log. “Watching those first rays of sunlight stream through the atmosphere each morning and illuminate everything around me is the only time I was ever certain of the existence of a higher power.”
Finn stared off into the distance as he traveled back in time. “One morning toward the end of summer, I was sitting on that fallen tree along the shore when I heard a gun cock right behind me.” He laughed lightly to himself. “I pretty much shit myself and spun around to find an old townie name Gunner holding a shotgun aimed at my head. I was so bewitched by the sunrise I never heard him sneak up on me.”
Finn slowed his pace when my breath became labored, his consideration for my comfort warming the spot inside of me he occupied more of with each passing day.
“He demanded to know why I was trespassing on his land all summer. I told him I didn’t know who the land belonged to but assumed it was part of the federal reserve encompassing a large portion of the mountain. Once I was relatively sure he wasn’t going to shoot me, I asked him why it took him so long to confront me if he knew I was on his land every day for the previous few months. He didn’t answer right away. Instead, he lowered the shotgun and settled himself on the fallen tree log while he stared at the surface of the water.”
I was so mesmerized by the picture he painted I failed to pay attention to where my foot landed. My equilibrium shifted, and my hands shot out to brace myself for the impact. Instead of a face full of snow, Finn’s arm looped around my waist. He held me close for a few seconds before setting me back on my feet and continuing his story.
“I wasn’t sure what to do while I stood there in my bathing suit, but I was pretty sure turning tail and running wasn’t the answer, so I sat down to watch the sunrise with him. I was about to apologize and tell him I’d stay away when he asked me why I came up there. At that point, I hadn’t told anyone about my plan to enlist, and to this day I still don’t know what made me decide he should be the first person to know. But before I could stop myself, the words tumbled out of my mouth, and I told him everything. How I was worried my dad would be upset I wanted to join the Navy instead of the Army. That I wanted to be the best of the best and make a real difference in the world. How I knew it was the right path for me, and even though I had two years left before I could put my plan in motion, I was determined to be as prepared as possible when the time came.”
Finn stopped to check a hunting trap I failed to notice in my haste not to lose him in the forest earlier. Finding nothing, we began hiking back toward his house.
“After I was done, he stared at me for the longest time. I had no idea what he was thinking, but he surprised the hell out of me when his weathered face cracked a smile. He told me I reminded him a lot of himself when he was my age right before he gave me some of the best advice I’ve ever received.”
I held my breath and waited for him to keep going.
“He told me to think long and hard about why I wanted what I wanted. That life is full of choices. Some are hard and some are easy. Certain decisions may seem innocuous but end up changing the course of our lives forever. Then he told me that, in his experience, the decisions with the greatest impact on our lives are often the ones we thought the least about.”
I reflected on Gunner’s advice in reference to my own life. As I looked back over the last several years, I was shocked by the accuracy of the man’s proverb. When I agreed to a date with Daniel, I never imagined the impact my decision would have on my life, I was simply flattered someone like him found me worthy.
“He sounds like a very wise man,” I said.
Finn nodded, melancholy seeping into his demeanor. “I didn’t really understand what he meant at the time. I remember knowing my decision to join the Navy would change my life in a major way. But I didn’t understand until I got to my first deployment and learned which bed you choose can determine if you’re the one who gets his head blown off by an insurgent.”
My stomach clenched as Finn shared what I knew was just a snippet of his daily norm in the military.
“When he stood up to leave, he told me I was welcome to keep coming there as often as I liked. He explained the lake didn’t freeze over in the winter and said the cold water would be a good way to prepare for the rigorous military training. He warned me I couldn’t stay in the water very long when it’s this cold without risking hypothermia. In spite of that, for the short time you can tolerate it, the cold resets your mind, numbing you to all the bullshit that doesn’t matter. Before he turned toward the tree line, he told me to come find him when I got back from the military. After that, he disappeared into the woods, and I didn’t see him again until I was discharged.”
“Wow,” I said on a long exhale. “So you still come up to his land after all these years?”
Finn shook his head. “No. I own this land now. When I got back from the Navy, he found me in a bar one night. He offered to sell me the land for half of what it was worth, and in my inebriated state, I agreed.”
I remembered what Reagan said about Finn having a drinking problem when he returned home. Despite hearing the words directly from him, I couldn’t picture it.
“I hunted him down the next morning to tell him the deal was off. After I tossed the napkin with both our signatures in his lap, he looked me square in the eye and told me he had a signed contract that was binding. Having grown up with an attorney for a mother, I knew he was full of shit. But then he told me the land saved him once, and he thought I needed it more than he did. That shut me up real fast. No one in town knew what happened on my last mission, but they all knew something went horribly wrong.”
My heart ached while Finn showed me a side of himself I would bet money he didn’t show many others.
“My mother spent months trying to get me to open up to her, or at the very least to go see a therapist. Everyone knew I was hurting, but nobody could see how thoroughly broken I was. But he did. He saw everything I tried to hide. After he pulled his dog tags out, it all clicked. He knew how broken I was because he was just as broken after Vietnam.”
The trees began to thin out, and I speculated we were close to home.
“For the first time since I returned, the black pit I fell into didn’t seem so dark. I left his place with an agreement to meet at Ma’s law firm the next day and draw up the legal contract. Once the sale went through, I built a house within hiking distance of the lake.”
“Wait, you built your house?” I interrupted, disbelief evident in my voice.
“Yep. Beau passed his licensing exams around the same time so I asked him if he could draw up some plans for me. I knew he was talented, but what he put together absolutely blew me away. The way he cobbled tree logs and stone together to create something timeless was incredible. I signed off on the plans immediately and began clearing the area where the house sits the next week.”
“Holy shit,” I muttered under my breath.
Finn’s laugh echoed around us. “Beau had no interest in working for a corporation, and God knows he didn’t need the money after retiring from the NHL. So, instead of interviewing for jobs he didn’t want, we spent the next six months getting the house far enough along that I could survive the winter. Once the snow hit, we worked on the inside. Knox pitched in when he could between shifts, but with the amount of overtime he was pulling, it didn’t leave a lot of time for much else. As a result, Beau and I spent more time together than we had since we were kids.”
As Finn talked, I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to have family you not only saw on a regular basis, but who you could rely on to help you in the way Finn described. Before I was able to wander too far down my path of self-pity, Finn finished his story.
“Beau and I were never super close as kids due to the age difference, but he seemed to understand me on a level no one else did, not even Gunner. We spent close to a year working on the house, and in all that time he never asked about my time in the Navy, what happened to make me want out so suddenly, or why I was so broken.”
We walked the rest of the way back to his cabin in silence while my mind replayed the pieces of himself Finn shared with me. When we cleared the tree line and the house came into view, he turned toward me. “Do you swim, Tessa?”
I thought back to the last time I went swimming. The summer after my parents died, I stayed with a foster family that lived close to a public pool. The mom would drop us off and leave us to fend for ourselves to get some alone time. By then, I was thirteen. My body was starting to develop, and I was far too self-conscious to go near the water.
However, I vividly remembered swimming during our summer trips to the lake with my parents.
I offered Finn a nostalgic smile as the memory warmed parts of me that ached from their absence.
Realizing I never answered Finn’s question, I replied, “I haven’t gone swimming since I was a kid, but I would imagine it’s like riding a bike. Why?”
Finn’s smile grew wide, and his eyes twinkled with mischief. “Because you’re coming swimming with me tomorrow.”
I gaped at him, positive I misheard what he said. My mouth opened and closed while I tried to come up with a response.
“Did you pick up a bathing suit when you went shopping with Reagan?”
“W-well, yes. I told her she was being ridiculous, but she insisted I needed one and added it to the pile when the cashier rang me up.” I recalled the determined look on her face when I started to protest. I knew I wouldn’t win, so I caved and bought the damn suit. It was cheap, and I figured I could use it to shower at the shelter I was bound to end up in if nothing else.
“Perfect. I’ll wake you up tomorrow morning,” he said before he crossed the final stretch between us and the front door.
I stood on the front porch, staring at the man who felt like home despite how little I knew about him.
What the hell did I just get myself into?