CHAPTER FOUR #2
“Vale, I knew at once, she was it. That I’d never look at another girl the same way I looked at her.
I knew it then, and I knew it the day I signed our divorce papers.
Despite everything, the distance, and the years we’ve been apart, that part has never changed.
And it never will. And,” I pause, collecting my thoughts, coming around to exactly the right words to convey what I want him to know.
What I need him to know. “I thought I was giving her what she wanted, Vale. And it took me two years and my best friend knocking me upside the head with my own damn advice to see that what she wanted wasn’t what she needed.
What we both needed.” I swallow, feeling the ache of my heart swell in my throat.
“I’m ready to do what I should have done from the first day I saw her.
I’m ready to chase after her. To show her that she’s the only direction I’m ever going to go. ”
“You done?”
I take a moment to think over everything I’ve said. “Yeah, I think so.”
“Good.” He stands from the sofa and starts moving again.
“Are you leaving?”
“Yeah.” He stops short of reaching the door. “I told everyone I was just going to track down the ice machine. If I stay gone much longer, they’ll come looking for me. Not to mention, I’ll need to come up with an excuse about where I’ve been all this time.”
“You’re not going to tell them you came to see me?
” Maybe if Vale had threatened me or asked me to just get the hell off the island, I’d understand him wanting to keep our little chat a secret.
But at this point, the only one whose uncomfortable secrets stand to be exposed, are mine. “Not even Nessa?”
He shrugs. “Telling Nessa is your business.” Then he sighs another one of his ‘annoyed big brother’ sighs.
“Dude, I’ve never hated you. You want my blessing to go after Nessa?
You got it. I’m just glad one of you finally had the sense to pull their head out of their ass and get it together.
You two splitting up was the dumbest thing I’ve ever witnessed.
Hell, it’s the dumbest thing any of us have ever witnessed.
I think you two were the only idiots who couldn’t see it.
” He makes a funny face like he’s had another thought.
“Well, you two and Roni. But she’s oblivious to all kinds of shit. ”
“Oh.” What the fuck is happening right now? “But you’ve always ignored me.”
He shrugs. “Well, yeah.” He rolls his eyes.
“Look, man, when we met, you were fourteen and I was twenty. And dick that I was, I couldn’t be bothered because you were just a stupid kid and I was, whatever .
I’m sure we would have grown up and things would have changed.
.. But then that shit went down with Roni’s boyfriend. ”
The guy Vale meant to punch when he punched me.
“I only even hit you because I couldn’t believe it was Roni who’d been beaten up.
Because I was friends with that asshole.
” He shakes his head and I suddenly see what I missed all these years.
Regret. And guilt. “After that, I swore to myself I’d never get close to another guy my sisters were with.
I never wanted to be blindsided like that again.
Being a good brother was so much more important than being buds with someone who could turn around and hurt my sisters someday. ”
“Like I did.”
He looks suddenly surprised. “No, dude. Nothing like you. You’re the first and only one of the men my sisters chose that I trust completely.
And that includes Clark. Who had to take an oath to do no harm.
” He grabs the handle and opens the door.
“Now I gotta go, or I’ll be stuck coming up with something even more ridiculous than you telling people that you and the band spontaneously decided to take a dude ranch vacation at
the same time and same place as your ex-wife.”
“Hey, I panicked, okay.” Seeing the woman you’re trying to win back standing next to another man right when you’re on the verge of revealing your big romantic gesture will do that.
“I figured.” He chuckles, starting down the walkway. He only gets a few steps before he turns back, “Hey, before I forget. Who the hell is Kenley?”
NESSA
After our walk, and then going to grab dinner with everyone, sharing a room with Oliver doesn’t feel nearly as uncomfortable.
He’s sweet and understanding and handsome, at least in a conventional sort of way.
Fine, maybe he’s not quite as ripped as Matti.
And maybe he doesn’t have that wild, long raven-black hair and matching stubble.
And okay, from what I’ve seen, he’s not rocking any ink (certainly none dedicated to me) and his eyes, while perfectly nice, aren’t the blazing amber pools of seduction I spent years losing myself in.
But I’m starting to see why my sisters wanted me to meet him.
Especially when we both announce we need to call our kids to check in at the same time. It’s nice to be on the same page with someone in that way again.
“Everyone all good?” he asks, when I come back to our room after having made my call from out on the balcony.
“Yep. Busy playing an intense game of Trivial Pursuit with their cousins.” I smile.
They’ve been playing that game together since before they could read.
Back then, they’d just stare at the cards and make up questions, mimicking the way they’d seen the grownups play.
I love that they have their own little traditions already.
I hope thirty years from now when they all have their own teenagers, they still get together for these game nights. “How are your kids?”
“Enjoying the sugar free-for-all only offered at Grandma’s house.
” He grimaces. Then laughs. “That’s what grandparents are for, right?
Giving them a safe space and the opportunity to break all the rules without having to be the ones to actually break any of the rules because Grandma is doing it for them. ”
“Sounds about right.” With my kids, it’s their Great Uncle Joey. Neither my parents nor Matti’s are the rule-breaking sort.
“So,” he starts again, gaze moving awkwardly toward the bed.
“Are you sure you’re still cool with this?
Because I can still go sleep downstairs on the couch if you want.
Or in the tub. Or I can just throw some pillows and blankets on the floor.
I’m really not picky. You learn to sleep pretty much anywhere while you’re an intern,” he ends with a joke.
“I’m definitely cool with this,” I assure him. “Plus, if you sleep downstairs on the sofa, I’ll never hear the end of it from my sisters.”
“They must really hate your ex to go through all this trouble to get you to move on,” he says thoughtfully, starting to peel back the extra bedding on the bed, clearing out everything there that’s more for show than purpose.
“I don’t think they hate Matti.” I go over to help him, grabbing two throw pillows from a mountain of many and tossing them over onto the floor next to the dresser.
“I think they just hated how much we hurt each other in the end. And I don’t think any of them really understood how it happened, so it was easier just to blame him and feel like they had some sort of grasp on things, a way to support me. ”
“But you don’t think they’d support you two getting back together?”
I stop what I’m doing. “I guess I’ve never thought about it one way or the other. We’re not getting back together. So that’s never going to be an issue.”
His brow crinkles, and the corner of his mouth hitches up a little like he’s holding back a smile, though he’s not entirely successful. “How can you be so sure the two of you are never getting back together? You said it yourself; you stopped holding on, but neither of you chose to let go.”
I turn and toss the last two pillows I was holding when the conversation suddenly shifted into this unexpected territory.
“Because I did make a choice. Maybe not to let him go, but I chose to walk in a new direction. One I didn’t let him come.
And that choice crushed us both. I can’t take that lightly.
I can’t pretend that the things I set in motion didn’t mean anything, that I can just come back and say, oops, my bad, I didn’t mean to walk so far that I couldn’t find my way home for two years.
” I shake my head. “It was selfish enough to leave him behind trapped in the rubble while I let myself get caught up in my own storm. I can’t come blowing back into his life now just because the wind is calm. ”
Oliver frowns. “Why not?”
“Because!” My voice pitches higher than I mean it to. “It can’t be all about what I want all the time. I want out, so I leave. I want back, so I come home. Why should I get to have my cake and eat it too?”
Oliver shrugs. “I don’t see why you can’t. Especially if there’s a chance he wants the same cake.”
I shake my head. “Maybe this is a dumb analogy.”
“Maybe.”
With no pillows left to throw across the room, I just stand here, arms crossed, feeling annoyingly exposed. I just told this man things I haven’t said to anyone. Things I haven’t even allowed myself to fully think.
“Nessa?”
I look up at the sound of my name. “Yeah?”
“Who are you more afraid of seeing hurt again? Yourself? Or Matti?”
The question is so absurd, I almost scoff. “Matti.”
He grins. “Exactly.”
I can feel my brow furrow. “I’m not following.”
“You just ranted on and on about how selfish you think you are. But you’re not even on your own radar.
” He chuckles. “Trust me, you don’t need to keep yourself from Matti to spare his heart.
But you may want to open yourself up to whatever feelings are still there if you ever want yours whole again. ”
A lump forms in my throat just hearing his words.
I hate that, those moments when your body responds with emotion before your mind can catch up.
Like your body wants to make sure you hear the message before your head has a chance to twist and turn it.
“Even if I agreed with you, it wouldn’t matter. He’s here with someone else.”
Oliver tilts his head slightly. “So are you.” He lets out another quiet, little laugh. “And it means nothing.”
“I’m not quite willing to believe Matti’s situation with Kenley is as made up as ours is,” I say, managing a small smile again. “But since you brought it up.”
His brows inch up a bit. “Yeah?”
“My sisters.” I sigh, coming back around to where this conversation started.
“The last thing I want to do is ask you to lie to them like I lied to Matti, but if we maybe just implied a little, or even just refrained from saying anything to outright deny a romantic connection between us... Well, I just think it would probably make the rest of this trip a million times more enjoyable for the both of us if they thought their plan had actually worked.”
He dips his head back and forth like he’s thinking it over. “I’ll make you a deal.”
“I like deals.” Everyone gets what they want. Terms are mutually agreed upon ahead of time. Deals are great. Provided you’re making deals with a decent person. I’m pretty confident I am.
“I say we just go with the flow. Don’t confirm or deny a thing. If people want to misinterpret our friendship, that’s on them.”
“I’m good with the terms so far.” I nod, gesturing for him to keep going.
“But,” he lifts a finger, “going with the flow also means we can change course at any time. If the current pulls you toward Matti, you let it. If the tide washes in someone who sparks my interest, I act on it. We either go all in with the flow or pick the path of more resistance.”
“Total honesty?”
“Total honesty.”
“Go with the flow it is.” I grin as we shake on it.
This vacation may turn out just fine after all.
My sisters can leave me in peace thinking their efforts to save me from my loneliness succeeded in landing me a man, Matti can go on with his life thinking I’m moving forward as well, and me, I get to play with horses and hang out with a cool new dude, who may not be the man of my dreams, but definitely has long-term friendship potential.
“In the interest of getting the flow started, what’s your usual bedtime routine?
” he asks, backing up to where he left his suitcase propped up on the stand.
“Because I’m thinking I’ve got maybe ten minutes left in me before I want to flip on ESPN, turn the volume down to a whisper, roll over and pass out. ”
“Go right ahead and do your thing.” I swoosh my arm through the air as if clearing an imaginary path to the bathroom for him.
“My sisters and I usually meet up in the kitchen before bed for a chat. Someone’s always hungry after dinner.
” Roni. “And one of us really enjoys a glass of wine before bed.” Tori.
“Naturally, there’s another who still needs dessert.
” Anna. “And we have one psycho in the bunch who craves a cup of coffee right before going to sleep.” It’s me.
I’m the psycho. “So, it’s going to be a while yet before I hit that ten-minute mark. ”
“Works for me.” He smiles, waving me off. “Enjoy your sister time.”
“Thank you.” I reach the door and pause. “I’ll be quiet when I get back. Sometimes we lose track of how late it gets.”
“No worries. I’m a sound sleeper. Unless you page me.” He grins.
I grin back.
Maybe he’s getting funnier.