CHAPTER FOURTEEN #2
“If you must know,” I wave for him to go on because I must, “we wanted to make sure we were thoroughly alone before we got thoroughly naked.”
“Well, now I’m sorry I asked.”
“Now we’re all sorry.” Jason makes a face. “You have your own room. With a fucking door. Why do I get the feeling you didn’t use it?”
Knox just lets out an uncomfortable laugh but doesn’t confirm or deny a thing.
Which fucking confirms it.
“Alright, next.” I clear my throat turning my attention over to Jason, “What’s up, man? Did you lose your woman or are you trying to escape her?”
“Neither.” He reaches into his pocket and retrieves a telling, red velvet box. “I just didn’t want her to overhear what I’m about to say.”
NESSA
“Cass!” I practically squeak her name, so surprised to see her coming out of my room just as I’m about to walk in. “Were you looking for me?”
“Um, no.” She pulls the door shut behind her, looking suddenly busted. “I was here to see Oliver.”
“Oh.” I think it over for a moment. But there’s no way I can just forget this happened, so, “I mean, I think we both know I have questions now.”
She laughs. It’s high and uncomfortable, but the way her eyes light up at the same time, tells me whatever this secret is she’s keeping, she’s dying to spill it.
“It’s just,” she starts, lowering her voice like she’s worried someone might overhear.
It’s unlikely. This is the only room upstairs.
And I think we’ve well-established the fact my siblings won’t use stairs while on vacation.
Which leaves Oliver. Who clearly already knows whatever she’s about to say. “I heard he was a doctor.”
I frown. “Are you okay? Why didn’t you just go to Clark. You’ve known him for ages.”
“That’s kind of why I didn’t go to Clark. Because we’ve all known him for ages.”
“I assume by all you mean Jason?”
She nods. “It’s nothing bad, I swear.” She shrugs like she’s at a loss for more to say. “I’m just not ready for him to know. And I didn’t want to put Clark in an awkward position.” Her eyes drift toward the door to my room. “So, I went to Oliver.”
I can feel my own eyes narrow. “Cass?”
“I saw a sign in the barn about the risks of horseback riding and who was at higher risk for injuries,” she whispers, “but I didn’t see it until after going on the ride this afternoon. And I panicked. Because I’m thirty-eight. And...”
“And you’re pregnant,” my voice is barely a breath when I piece together the last of her secret. “With your first baby.”
She smiles. No. She freaking glows. “Yeah.” Her hand finds her stomach, gently cupping it. “Oliver said not to worry as long as I don’t experience any unexpected cramping or bleeding.”
“Cass,” I sigh, suddenly delirious with happiness. “You’re going to be a mom.”
“I know.” Her eyes get glassy. “It’s crazy.”
“It’s amazing.” I pull her to me for a celebratory hug.
Cass always wanted a family. The whole time I’ve known her, she’s fought off the constant fear she couldn’t have it all.
Couldn’t tour the world with a rock band and be a mother.
Couldn’t spend her life living on a bus with three men and have a healthy relationship with one.
And now here she is, about to prove all her doubts wrong.
“You won’t say anything? Not even to Matti?” she asks when we step out of our embrace.
“I promise. It’s your news to share. I would never rob you of that moment.” I clutch my hands to my own heart. I remember how this feels. “Don’t wait too long. The feeling only gets better when you have that someone to share it with.”
She nods. “You don’t think he’ll freak?”
“Fuck yeah, he’ll freak.” I take her hand and squeeze it tight. “In the best way possible, Cass. He’ll be over the moon. I just know it.”
“I hope you’re right.” She squeezes my hand right back. “Because I’m so fucking happy I don’t know what to do with myself. And I don’t know how I’ll deal if he doesn’t end up feeling the same way.”
“Trust me, Cass. He will. He adores you. He’s going to be beside himself with joy when he finds out he just helped make another one of you.”
She laughs. “I like that perspective. Mind if I use it when I tell him? You know, since your lines have worked so successfully for me in the past.”
I roll my eyes. “God, I still can’t believe we both went with spider bite. We’re ridiculous.”
“Hey, we both got kissed, so...”
“We got lucky.” I nod, starting to giggle as well.
“Maybe.” Cass smirks. “I think I’m going to go see if I can get lucky again.”
“He’s the lucky one, Cass,” I tell her as she starts to leave.
She turns back before she reaches the first step. “No luckier than I am.”
Then she starts her descent. Only in her case, it looks a lot like floating on cloud nine.
I watch until she’s out of sight, smiling to myself. Cass and Jason are having a baby. Holy shit, things are going to be insane on that tour bus for a while.
Giggling all over again, this time at the mental images a baby on tour with Knox and the Wilds conjures, I open the door and finally enter my room.
As expected, Oliver is already getting ready for our night out.
“So, are you bringing Renee tonight?” I ask when he comes strolling out of the bathroom, buttoning up a short-sleeved shirt with an over-the-top tropical pattern.
“Yep.” He smiles. It’s a new smile, one he definitely hasn’t used when interacting with me. “Matti coming?”
“Uh-huh.” I turn away from the open closet and smile back, holding the dress I decided on for tonight.
He waggles his eyebrows in a silly way. “I like our going-with-the-flow plan. It’s working out well.”
“Indeed, it is.” So well, part of me still can’t really wrap my head around it. Matti and I are back together. For real.
Though, despite the fact we’ve announced it to everyone here, we’ve yet to tell the kids. Or even talk about telling the kids. And I have an icky feeling I’m the one holding us back from doing it.
But I don’t want to dwell on that now.
Not when I’m about to put on a dress I bought over a year ago, hoping I would have a date like the one I’m about to have, to wear it to.
I saved it all this time, just waiting, sure that one day I’d have the perfect night out to put it on.
At the time, I was trying to force myself into believing someone new was still out there for me, a second love.
But this, a second chance with my first love, is infinitely better.
Oliver pulls his shaving kit from his suitcase and heads for the adjoining bathroom again. “I take it your sisters have recovered from their plans for your love life going up in smoke?” He asks, pulling the door shut to a crack so we can still talk.
“Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if they end up claiming this was their plan all along by the time we get home.”
I can hear him laugh even over the water running.
Since the door is pretty much closed, I take the opportunity to change out of my horse clothes and into my dress.
If we had more time, I’d definitely have opted to shower, but as we’re just going to wind up covered in salt and sand before the night is over, trying to rush a splash of water just seems like a waste of time.
But now that I’m thinking about the end of the night, “Hey, how fast would you say things are progressing between you and Renee?” I pull the dress over my head before I go on, “Like, will you be heading to her place after the luau?” I step out from behind the closet to catch his expression in the bathroom mirror.
He looks almost embarrassed. “I’m sorry, was that a weird question? ”
“Probably not.” He fumbles with his razor. “Do you think it was a weird question? Or do you think it’s the sort of thing she’s going to ask me too?”
I bite my lip uncomfortably. “To be honest, I don’t really know. I’m not exactly hip to the current dating scene. All of my relationship references are based on primetime television.”
He lets out a nervous laugh. “Fuck. You and me both.”
I take a few steps toward the bathroom. “Tell you what, how about we forget I even asked. I’ll just stay with Matti tonight. That way you’re free to keep going with the flow. Whatever happens, whatever you want to have happen, happens.”
He nods. “Okay.” His head keeps bobbing up and down like he’s still convincing himself. “Yeah, that works.”
“Cool.” I hurry to turn away and break our weird eye contact in the mirror. I have enough nerves over my own choices, I don’t need to add any of his to the mix.
With my outfit changed, all I need to do is grab my strappy sandals and head for the door.
I’m halfway down the stairs when I remember my current hairdo and pull the bandana from my head. Next, I slide the hair ties from my braids, undoing each one until my hair falls down my back in long waves.
I’m the first in the foyer ready to go, but my solitude is short-lived. Within minutes, the rest of my family starts piling in and shortly after, we’re all sitting on a bus and Matti is back at my side.
The drive is lively, thanks to some familiar cowboys, now dressed in Hawaiian shirts, supplying an entertaining and insightful presentation on the history of luaus.
When we arrive, the beach is already set up for us. There are tables covered in beautiful settings, torches lining the area for light, and all around are lovely floral arrangements. There’s even a makeshift stage area ready for a traditional performance later.
“This is incredible,” Matti murmurs near me. “How come we’ve never come to Hawaii before now?”
“I don’t know.” It does seem like an obvious oversight. We’ve traveled all over. How we missed this marvelous gem when it’s so well-known is a little hard to grasp.
“We should come back with the kids.”
I nod. “We should.”
He turns and looks at me funny. For a second, I think he wants to say something else, but then he just turns his attention to the ocean instead. “Look at the moon out there on the water.”
I smile. Matti and the moon. Now there’s a love he never tires of chasing.
As soon as I think it, I’m relieved I didn’t say it out loud. Even in my own head, it sounded shitty. Bitter. Like I’m jealous of the fucking moon.
Which is ludicrous.
So, I do the same thing Matti did. I change the subject. “Any sign of Jason and Cass when you went back to change?” I’m sure he would have mentioned it if he’d heard the big news. Still, I’m curious if Cass made progress on sharing her big secret.
Judging by the way his brow crinkles caught off guard by the new conversation topic, I’m guessing the answer is no. “I saw Jason for a minute. Cass was still out perusing the gift shop.” Only if the gift shop is code for Dr. Oliver. “Knox and Kenley were around though.”
“I like her.” I slide my arm around his and rest my head on his shoulder, both of us facing the ocean, though I make a point of avoiding the moon.
“Especially now that I know she’s here with Knox and not you.
” I laugh at my own silly assumptions. “Annoyingly, I think I would have liked her either way, but this definitely makes it easier.”
“Ha, yeah.” He lowers his head until it’s over mine. “I know what you mean. Oliver seems like a perfectly nice name now that I don’t have to hate the dude on principle.”
My head pops up again forcing him to move as well. “You had a problem with his name?”
“Yes. A real big, irrational, problem with it.” He smirks.
“Guess we were never made for moving on.”
“Could have told you that a long time ago.” He starts to turn us back toward the luau and the rest of our group. “In case you didn’t notice, I didn’t go on a single date the entire time we were apart.”
“Not even a random hookup? Nothing?”
He shoots me a dirty look. Because I know better. “No, nothing.”
“Me either.” I pull him to a stop. “Do you think that’s a problem?”
“What?” His brow furrows. He’s clearly confused. “Why would that be a problem?”
“Because,” I insist. “What if the only reason we’re so eager to go back to what we had is because we’ve been unable to have something else.”
“What, like we’re just lonely and settling for what’s familiar?” He sounds disgusted just saying it.
“I don’t want to think it’s possible either, Matti.
” Deep inside I’m cringing at my own words.
I don’t even want to be saying them. They’re just spilling out of me from some untapped place I can’t seem to put a stopper in.
“But I think we have to consider it. It would be irresponsible not to. Because our choices don’t just affect the two of us. They affect the kids too.”
“You think I don’t know that?” His disgust is turning to hurt faster than I can keep up with my own mouth.
“Look, I’m not saying you would do all of this intentionally, I’m just saying, what if subconsciously, you were lonely and lost and just wanted to go back to something that made sense to you.
” I step back without thinking, instantly breaking contact between us.
“What if that’s all we’re both doing? And we just can’t tell because we’re here in Hawaii, in this beautiful setting, reliving some of our best moments.
But what if it’s just fantasy, Matti? What if we go home and find out we’re still just as far apart as we were before we let ourselves get wrapped up in memories. ”
Matti looks dumbstruck. His mouth just hangs, speechless. And his eyes, God, his eyes look like I just stabbed in the back, straight through his heart.