11. Evie #2
“No, I…actually never received an apology from either of them.”
“What?” Bella screeches.
“The last text I read before throwing my phone out the window was from Carter.” Clearing my throat, I begin mimicking his stupid god-awful voice that now sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me.
“Babe, come on, stop being so dramatic and come home. We can work out an arrangement. By the way I used a condom so I didn’t fully cheat. ”
The girls’ jaws drop simultaneously.
I point at their incredulous faces. “My exact reaction.”
“I would have thrown my phone out the window too after reading that,” Bella murmurs. “Jesus fucking Christ.”
Cindy turns to me. “I don’t mean this in a bad way so feel free to slap me if it hurts your feelings.” I chuckle at that, but my laughter dies a slow and painful death as she gently asks, “What did you ever see in the guy?”
Bella and Layla exchange a look.
Shrugging, I slump further in my seat. “I sound so stupid saying this but…he changed. Genuinely. For a year, he was the best partner I’ve ever had.
I mean, a few hiccups here and there, which now I see were actually glaring red flags.
” Pinching the bridge of my nose, I continue with a heavy sigh of defeat and exhaustion.
“I shared something with him and afterward it was like he became a different person entirely. He began to put me down, would snap at me for merely speaking, twist my words, gaslight, and manipulate me. In my mind, I had a loving partner for so long and when he suddenly changed and told me I was the problem, I believed him. I kept thinking that if I worked on what he told me was wrong, he would love me like he used to, but…”
“It was all a lie,” Cindy supplies for me.
I nod. “Looking back, I understand that he was emotionally abusive. The fights he picked were on purpose. He hurt me and yet he twisted things to the point that in the end I was the one begging for forgiveness and soothing his feelings.” A derisive snort escapes me.
“Somehow it was always me saying I would change, that I would do better, be better. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I was the only one ever taking accountability and willing to change. ”
My appetite vanishes as I reflect on how I allowed him to treat me, how I allowed his words to make me feel small. He knew my darkest secrets and used them to inflict as much harm as he could.
He destroyed me, slowly broke me down day by day, during a time when I was already struggling to stay afloat.
The girls, the openness in their expressions and the way they aren’t judging me, soothe something in my heart and have my tongue moving before I can stop it.
“I was exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally.
Tired of the way he was treating me and thought on a daily basis of leaving him but there was always something.
Biting my lip, I confess, “The trip he took over Christmas break, I was going to pack up everything and move out, break up with him when he got back, but…”
“But?” Bella gently probes, worry shining in her honey-brown eyes.
My swallow is audible. “I was so tired. The day he left it was like I was hit by a freight train. My nervous system was crashing from constantly being on, from constantly having to walk on eggshells and be perfect around him to try and please his every need. I slept for hours. By the time I finally felt like myself and was coming up for air, he was already back and I missed my chance to leave.”
“Oh, Evie,” Cindy whispers, placing her hand on my arm.
“I’m so proud of you and I’m so glad you’re out now,” Layla adds, her kind words full of such sincerity my throat begins to burn.
Relief fills my heart now that I’ve finally gotten all of that off my chest.
“Me too,” I say honestly. “Him cheating was the best thing to ever happen to me. It was so clear that he was in the wrong there was no way he could twist my mind to convince me otherwise. Though he did try.”
There’s still a lot I could say.
I could share the time he was mourning a family member and took his pain out on me.
How a simple request for a forehead kiss turned into him sighing, grabbing my head with both his hands and bringing my forehead to his mouth so forcefully his teeth smashed against my skin.
The pain was instant and yet he made me feel guilty, selfish, and inconsiderate for my knee-jerk reaction.
Or the time I wanted to keep watching a TV show and told him he could fall asleep without me and he cracked, his resentment toward me bubbling to the surface. He forcefully yanked the laptop out of my hands and roughly pulled me into his side, snapping, “You always get your fucking way.”
He struggled to share his feelings and that became my burden.
Suddenly, I was a therapist, googling ways to make it work.
Suppressing my feelings so he felt safe enough to have his until I was too afraid to cry or say I was upset, otherwise I was making an unsafe emotional environment, according to him.