26. Evie—Age Eight
Evie—Age Eight
Biting my bottom lip, I try to stop the sound from escaping. I try everything to be quiet but the sobs taking over my body are so big I keep gasping for air.
He will be so cross with me if he hears me crying.
I’m trying to be a good girl, I really am. I’m trying so hard but it hurts.
Everything hurts so much.
And if he hears me crying, he will come back. I don’t want him to come back. I hate when he comes into my room. I hate it every time he’s in the house. I hate every time he walks through the front door, smiling at my family like he doesn’t hurt me when he’s here.
Tears drop onto my knees as I try and make myself as small as possible. Sitting in my closet in the dark, I slap a hand over my mouth, trying to hide the sound.
He says it’s not meant to make me cry. He says it’s meant to make me feel good. He says that you do it when you love each other.
But if this is love, I don’t want it.
I don’t love him.
His love hurts me.
I hate love.
To stop myself from crying, I peer down at my wrist, at the bracelet I made to help me when I float away. We were making bracelets in class last week and the teacher asked us to craft it after something that makes us feel good. Matteo’s smile was the first thing to pop into my mind.
He doesn’t smile much, but when he thinks no one is looking, his lips twitch.
I don’t understand why he tries to hide his smile. I think his smile is beautiful. I asked Mommy once why he doesn’t let himself smile and she told me it’s because his parents don’t allow him.
But that doesn’t make sense. What Mommy and Daddy doesn’t want their kid to smile? I wish Matteo would smile every day.
Twisting the bracelet around and around, I focus on the colors—blue for my eyes and green for his.
Matteo has the prettiest green eyes I’ve ever seen.
Sometimes they go dark depending on the light and it’s like looking into a forest. In the sun, they turn so bright it makes my stomach tumble.
I put hearts between the blue and green beads because when I look at Matteo, mine starts beating really quickly.
My tears are slow now, only coming every so often.
Taking a deep breath, I quietly slide the closet door open just enough to let one of my eyes peek through the slit. When I find no one in my room, I sigh.
When he started coming into my room at night, I began to hate my room. Still hate it. I can’t sit on my bed anymore without thinking of him.
Slowly crawling out of the closet, I freeze when I hear a sniffle.
I hold my breath, listening really hard, and that’s when it happens again.
Another sniffle.
I know it is, because I was just trying not to make that sound. Though what doesn’t make sense is that it’s coming from outside.
Slowly crawling over to my bedroom window, I ease myself up, just enough so I can peek out. Is it Caleb? But why would he be outside sniffling? Is he sick?
Scanning the backyard, my eyes freeze as I spot a figure on the trampoline. It takes me a moment to realize it’s not Caleb but Matteo, and his shoulders are shaking.
Without thinking, I run out of my room, keeping my steps as quiet as a mouse. I take the stairs two at a time, making quick work of unlocking the back door before sliding it open.
My heart is pounding, my ears ringing as I head toward the trampoline.
Matteo is lying on his side, curled in a tight ball, holding his knees to his chest. He’s crying so loud it makes my chest ache.
When I climb onto the trampoline, the movement startles him. Matteo scrambles into a sitting position. He looks at me, eyes red-rimmed, cheeks wet from his tears.
“Valenti?”
“Hi, Dove,” he whispers, voice cracking.
The sound of his heartbreak snaps me out of my trance. Crawling over, I sit beside him, my eyes never leaving his as he seems to hold his breath.
Before I can think about it, I lean forward, wrapping my arms around him.
He stiffens at first, like he always does when I try to hug him.
My mommy says it’s because he’s not used to hugs.
But I hold strong and hug him tightly because when I’m alone and crying, all I want is a safe hug. Maybe he wants one too?
It takes a while, but slowly, his arms fall around me, and his shoulders start to shake again.
Dropping his forehead to my shoulder, he cries, harder than before. His entire body is shaking so much I’m scared we’re going to fall off.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
I’m not sure why I say it, but I am sorry. I’m sorry he’s so sad.
I know what it’s like to be sad. I know what it’s like to be alone and crying. I know what it’s like to be so sad that you wish upon every star to never feel this way again.
It takes him a long time to settle, and even when he does, he doesn’t let go of me.
I don’t mind it; his hugs always feel safe and warm.
I can hug my mommy and my friends, but boys make my body tense up and flinch.
Caleb gets annoyed and teases me about it.
Daddy just looks sad when I flinch, but I can’t help it.
It doesn’t happen with Matteo, though. Never Matteo.
His hand twitches, hesitant as he starts to pull away. He sits back down on his heel. I follow his lead, hating that his head is lowered, his eyes avoiding mine. Matteo usually looks for me in a room. I always find him watching me. I know, because I do the same.
“I didn’t know you were staying the night.”
Sniffling, Matteo wipes his cheeks before placing his head in his palm. “I’m not.”
“Why are you here and not at your house then?”
His lower lip wobbles again, making me feel awful for asking, but then he whispers, “My parents forgot about me.”
My brows furrow. “What do you mean? How could anyone forget about you?”
He plays with the laces on his shoes, still not looking at me. “I don’t know. They never came home. I stayed up waiting all night. I tried making myself dinner but there was no food in the fridge.”
Scooting forward, I place my hand on his knee. “Do you want me to make you food?”
“No, it’s okay, Dove. I’m not hungry anymore.”
“They’re stupid for forgetting you.”
His voice cracks. “They’re mean.”
Anger rises in me at how sad they’ve made him. “They’re more than mean! I would never forget you, Matteo. Ever.”
He nods, his eyes still downcast.
I want that sad look to go away. I want my Matteo back.
I try to think of how I can make him happy again before my gaze drops to my wrist. Taking off the bracelet, I hold it out for him. “Whenever I get really sad or scared, I look at this bracelet and it reminds me of you.”
He finally looks at me. “Of me?” he asks.
I nod. “Yeah. It makes me feel safe and happy.”
“I make you feel happy?”
“Of course you do. You’re Valenti. You make everyone happy.”
He frowns. “I don’t make my parents happy.”
“Your parents are crapheads.”
Matteo bursts out laughing. “Dove, you can’t say swear words.”
“I can when it’s your parents.” A smile lifts my lips. I made Matteo laugh! “Here, take it. Maybe it will make you feel happy like it does me.”
“Why green and blue?” he asks, taking it very, very gently.
“Blue for my eyes and green for yours.”
“Are you sure you want me to have it?”
Holding his gaze, I say honestly, “Of course. I want you to be happy. It makes me sad to see you upset.”
He slides it onto his wrist, his lip twitching before he frowns. “What will you do when you’re sad, though?”
Shrugging, I lie down on the trampoline, looking at the stars above. “I just float away when I get really sad.”
“Float away?” he asks, lying down beside me, the bracelet on his left wrist, his arm brushing mine.
“Yeah, I float when I’m sad.” Sighing, I confess on a whisper, “I don’t like floating. It’s hard to go back sometimes.”
“What does it feel like?”
“I don’t feel anything when I float. I just roam. Sometimes, I watch myself.”
“You can see yourself when you float?”
Nodding, I turn my head to find him watching me.
“I grow numb. My mind feels foggy and then suddenly I feel like I’m flying.
The first time it happened, it scared me enough I went back into my body, but now I’m so used to it.
It’s nice not to feel anything. That part I like, but sometimes I struggle to stop. ”
He’s quiet for a moment before whispering, “I guess you really are a dove, then, if you can fly.”
“I guess I am.” I huff, rolling my eyes. “I still don’t understand why you won’t tell me the reason you call me Dove. It drives me crazy.”
Matteo grants me a rare smile. “I know.” We’re quiet for a long time, his gaze on mine before his lips slowly drop, the smile I love so much fading. “I wish I could float away, too, sometimes.”
I shake my head. “You don’t have to float away when you have the bracelet.”
He looks down at it, brushing his pinky finger against mine. I take the invitation and lock them together.
“I don’t want you to get lost like me,” I explain.
“How do you find your way back?” he asks.
Shrugging, I turn to the stars. “I don’t know.”
But that’s a lie. I know exactly who I think of when I’m lost.
Him.
Always him.
My Matteo.