Chapter 11 #2
“I was the man of the house, and Eric was the baby.” I shrugged, forcing nonchalance despite the feeling that I’d cut open my chest for Kit to see inside.
“I was never good at being a role model. At school, I got into a lot of fights. I was the silent giant the popular jocks thought they could pick on. So, I fought back. Every time someone said something, I swung my fists and ended up in the principal’s office. ”
“They messed with you?” He gave me a once-over, even though I was sitting, and I chuckled.
“You know the saying, you have to fight the biggest guy in the room to be at the top? That’s how they saw it.”
“I hope you knocked them down a few pegs.”
I raised my eyebrows, the corner of my mouth kicking up. “I always won.”
He threw his head back and laughed. “I’d expect no less. I wouldn’t want to go up against you.”
I took another bite of pork and watched his face carefully, taking in the lightness I hadn’t seen since I’d found him in Pleasant Beach. The anger and betrayal hadn’t fully disappeared, but there was also an acceptance behind his eyes. “Are you okay?”
He cocked his head, thoughtful, before shaking it. “No.” He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “My entire world has been tossed on its head. Everything I knew was a lie.” He fiddled with a piece of chicken before throwing it into his mouth and chewing.
I watched his tongue swipe out to lick his bottom lip, an animalistic need surging up inside me. I shoved it down, though. He didn’t need sex as a distraction.
“But I can either sink or swim. I came here thinking Sky would understand how I felt, but he knew, too. I’m the only one who didn’t. In the end, I’m choosing to swim like a goddamned Olympic gold medalist.”
An ache bloomed deep in my chest. I reached for his hand, lacing my fingers through his. He squeezed them, his eyes teary.
“That doesn’t mean I forgive Dad or Sky or even you, War.”
My spine tensed.
“But I like you a lot, and you’ve protected me. It’s not your fault you work for Dad and were expected to keep secrets. That’s Dad’s problem.”
My fingers twitched in his.
“I’m still mad at him, and I will be for a long time, but I need to decide what I want to do. I can either walk away from my family—the people I love and care for—or I can accept them as criminals.” He stared at me pleadingly. “What would you do?”
It was a loaded question. I’d spent my adult life killing and breaking the law wasn’t difficult for me.
Kit was different, though. He was sweet, kind, smart, and far too innocent for his dad’s world.
But I was also selfish and didn’t want to let him go, and Derek wouldn’t let him leave.
Someone would always be there, guarding Kit in the shadows, even if he decided to walk away.
“I would choose my family if they treated me well.” Sourness slid up my throat and I swallowed it down. “If I could have my brother and mom back, I’d never let them go.”
Kit blinked and a single tear streaked down his cheek before he wiped his eyes. “What happened to them?”
“I killed Eric.”
He made a shocked sound in the back of his throat.
“I told you he wanted to be like me. He followed me everywhere, desperate for my approval, but I was so fucking angry at the world. After high school, I joined the navy, got into the SEALs.”
I resisted the urge to bite down until my tongue bled. Pain lanced across my chest, burrowing where all the other hurt hid. It was easy to bury feelings deep, but Kit was digging them up, and I didn’t know how to handle them. It was easier to manage the cold and the scars of emptiness.
“I didn’t know Eric had followed me into the SEALs until he showed up at training. I called Mom as soon as I saw him, and she begged me to keep him safe.”
Failure. I fucking failed.
“Three months into our first assignment, my team and his were captured and tortured.” Eric’s screams echoed in my nightmares again and again, an endless loop of my younger brother’s anguish and death charred into my prefrontal cortex.
His face, crumpled in agony, begging me with a look. Help, Reek. I couldn’t.
My gaze rose to the windows, where the late-afternoon sun danced through the panes of glass, illuminating the side of Kit’s face.
“I watched the life drain out of him, and I couldn’t do a damned thing.
I killed him because he followed me. I was the reason he died, and Mom wouldn’t forgive me.
I know she wouldn’t.” I pressed my lips together until they hurt, my hands clenched so tight that my knuckles turned white.
I’d forgotten his hand was in mine until he hissed, and I let him go with an apologetic wince.
The pain didn’t deter him, though. He laid his palm over my knuckles and stroked them. “It’s not your fault. Did your mom say it was?”
I laughed. This felt a lot like a therapy session, but I’d heard enough from Derek to know Kit was a naturally caring person. “I never talked to her after I got home.”
“What?” He gaped. “Why?”
“Because she’d hate me. She asked me to take care of him.
Instead, I let him die.” I’d picked up the phone once and called anonymously, but when she’d answered, I’d hung up, too afraid of her reaction.
I’d taken on all kinds of dangers, from machine guns to snipers and everything in between, but the thought of speaking to Mom was a fear I’d never felt.
“Have you tried?” Kit stood and came around to my side of the table. He slipped onto my lap and wrapped his arms around my neck, pressing his forehead against mine. “Did you give her a chance to decide for herself how she felt?”
Kit was young. He didn’t understand, and I wasn’t about to teach him about disappointments in life. Then again, his mother wouldn’t win any awards. From what Derek had told me, she hadn’t visited her kids in years.
“It doesn’t matter.” I stroked my knuckle down his cheek and smiled, observing the window from the corner of my eye. My skin prickled, but that was a normal feeling for me. “What happened in the past can stay there.”
Kit narrowed his eyes, and from his expression, I knew he wouldn’t drop it. He would come back to the discussion. “Tell me what you enjoy doing on your time off, other than looking all hot and macho.” Luckily, he decided to change the topic for now.
I groaned. He was taking this getting-to-know-me thing seriously. “Hitting the gym.”
He blew a raspberry. “Boring. Try again.” He looked down at himself. “Do I look like I even know what a gym is? I want to do something fun with you.”
I cocked my head, studying the lines of his face curiously. “You want to do something with me?”
“Yeah, that’s what I just said.” His gentle smile returned—a sight a guy like me didn’t deserve to behold. He was handsome, and softer than Derek. “We’re dating.”
“Are we?” The corner of my mouth quirked. “This is new information.”
“You owe me.” A moment of hesitation, then he peered at me from under long eyelashes. “If you don’t want to—”
I silenced him with a kiss. I’d be stupid to refuse dating someone as amazing as Kit Uhlig. He was smart, kind, and smoking hot. And sure, I was damaged goods, but a selfish part of me wanted to keep him.
“I want to.”
He gave me a silly little grin. “Cool.” His cheeks flushed, the red spreading across his jaw and down his neck. “So, what do you like doing? Gun range? Dad took me shooting all the time. He said I needed to learn how to use one. Never understood why until now.”
I held in a wince. The last thing I wanted was to touch a gun right now.
“No, I don’t like shooting unless I have to.
I enjoy. . . .” What did I like doing? Since getting back from overseas, I’d kept myself as busy as possible.
Then, I’d started working with Derek, always on the go.
Sleep became an irrelevant luxury and hobbies a distant memory.
The more I moved, the faster I could run from my demons. “Swimming,” I finished lamely.
Kit didn’t laugh or mock me. He laid his palm on my cheek. “I’m sure they have a pool here. We could swim tomorrow morning.”
“You’d want to? It’s a bit stupid.” I chuckled, fighting off the urge to curse myself aloud.
“Hey, don’t be mean to the guy I’m dating.
” Kit pinched my nipple, reminding me I still hadn’t pulled on a shirt, but he hadn’t, either.
I batted his hand away, both of us laughing.
“I haven’t gone swimming in a long time.
I’d like to, and it’d be a nice way to start the morning.
I think I read somewhere that if it’s too cold, they have a heated pool.
And!” He held up a finger and booped me on the nose.
“We have this afternoon to go find a pair of swim shorts. What do you think?”
“There’s a mall not far from here.” As soon as Sky had directed us to this hotel, I’d done my research.
It was best to know everything about our location, including what was around us and the nearest and best exits.
I’d studied the map on my phone and then the hotel with the kind of precision that would’ve made my former commander proud.
Even though I hated malls—they were a disaster waiting to happen with far too many people—it wouldn’t take us long to get in there, buy some shorts, and get out again. Kit didn’t like shopping, either. He always complained to Derek whenever they went anywhere near a mall.
“Want to go for a walk?” He batted his eyelashes at me overdramatically.
I rolled my eyes and slapped him on the side of the ass.
His weight was comforting on my lap, and I didn’t particularly want to move.
But he was buzzing with excitement, and I didn’t want to kill that feeling.
After learning so much about his father and his family, he deserved to be happy for a little while, even if I hated the thought of being in a crowd.
There were a lot of reasons why going to the mall was dangerous, but I’d be there with him. I’d take a bullet for him if I had to.
“Fine.”
He pumped his fist. “Hell yeah!”