Chapter 6
It’s been two weeks since I gave Everett my safe word.
At the time, I didn't know what to say, but that was the first word that popped into my head. I draw them all the time, little doodles of feathers on fire and sometimes the phoenix taking flight. I guess I am hoping that one day, all the shit I’ve been through will give rise to someone better.
Despite agreeing to pass notes, I have avoided Everett as much as possible.
I was afraid he would ask me again about the cut on my cheek that is now very much healed.
Lucky for me, I only see him in the morning for class.
We keep our verbal conversations related to classwork, but our notes are opening doors I never thought would open.
Somehow, writing it all out makes it feel less invasive but still very much real.
We pass our notes back and forth during class, getting to know each other through the ink on the pages, not our voices. With each note passed, I feel my resolve breaking. He is infiltrating my heart little by little, and that is both terrifying and relieving.
He now knows my favorite color—brown—and I know his—blue.
He now knows I love to draw. And I know that he loves to cook.
He now knows that I am an only child. And so is he.
He now knows that I hate decaf coffee. And I know that he wants to own a restaurant.
He knows that I never learned to drive. And I know that he loves dogs.
In two weeks, he has learned more about me than anyone else ever has in my entire life. Even more than Ski.
When he asked about my parents, I used phoenix, and true to his word, he left it alone. He followed up with a question about the band on my T-shirt, Nirvana. I had to admit to him that I’ve never actually listened to them but that I liked the design.
Each morning of late, I have woken with a smile on my face, and it's all because of him. Our notes, our glances, our smiles back and forth… They are my breadcrumbs. Small saving graces leading me out of the darkness and into the light. But I can’t help but wonder when he will tire of me.
When will he see that his chase is exhausting and pointless because I am not worth it?
Reading over his latest note left in my locker, I feel my heart-wings fluttering, but that flutter soon turns on me.
I hear her before I see her, the overpriced designer heels she always wears echoing down the long narrow hallway.
Natasha Baldwin.
She is my polar opposite. She is tall and skinny.
Her long, tan legs are muscular but feminine from cheerleading.
Her long blonde hair is always perfectly straight and flows down her back without tangles or mess.
She doesn’t walk with her head down. No, she walks with it held high, looking down on others as she stalks toward me.
My eyes can’t help but be drawn to her. She is in a short pleated skirt and a tight white button-up that could use one more button. Her cleavage looks like it's about to make a great escape, although that was probably the point.
“What do you think you’re doing with Everett?” She encroaches on my space, and I am forced to back up a little. Her lavender and coconut scent washes over me.
“Nothing. We are lab partners.” Even saying that makes my chest hurt because I know in the fabric of my being we are more than that.
“Don’t think you could ever have him. He wouldn’t waste his time on a girl like you. You don’t belong with him. In fact, you don’t belong anywhere, do you?”
“I-I…” I stutter out. I can't string thoughts together in my head. I try to take a deep breath, but it doesn't work. It just makes my eyes burn more, tears rising to the surface.
“I-I…” she mocks. “Pathetic.”
No. No. No! Flashes of middle school race to the forefront of my mind.
Being picked on for my skin color, how I never fit in with the black kids or the white kids.
How I was called a mutt. Mud was thrown in my face to “darken” me, milk dumped down my shirt to “lighten” me.
My breathing picks up, and my heart begins to race.
It’s happening. I need to get out of here. I need to run.
Don’t let them see you cry. Don’t let them see you at all.
Run. Run. Run.
Turning on my heel, I take two steps and collide with a solid, warm body. His body. I know it before I even look up.
He wraps his arms around my shoulders, gripping the curls at the back of my head in his hand as he brings my face into his chest. His scent calms me, washing over me like a blanket of serenity. Hints of leather and cinnamon.
“I got you.”
“Everett, I don’t know what happened… I was just asking her to lunch, and she freaked out.” Her voice has changed. It’s no longer vicious but innocent. Oh, how quickly some people can swap out their masks.
My entire body trembles because I know what is about to happen. He is going to see the truth, that I am weak, broken…nothing when standing next to her.
Run.
He pulls my head back, but I shake it, telling him no, I can’t look at him. Tears are brimming my eyes, and if I look at him now, I’ll lose it. In front of everyone. I can’t. I need to run, but he wont let me go.
He pulls back just enough to capture my gaze with his burning green eyes.
He cradles my face in his hands, and I’m forced to look at him.
Forced to face my fears. And what I fear most right now is when he realizes that she is right.
I don’t belong with him. His eyes bounce back and forth between my own, once again, like they did a few weeks ago, but now it’s not a joke. Now the pain is real.
“Do. Not. Listen to her. You already have me, and you are right where you belong. With me.”
My heart cracks open, his fire pouring into it, igniting it. The tears fall. I release my grip on his brown sweater, which until now I hadn’t even realized I was holding on to. I take a few steps back until we are no longer touching, and he steps forward.
He won’t let me run. I need to run. I need to flee from his confession. He is wrong. He is blind. He will see me one day and understand I was not meant for him. And I cannot allow myself that heartache.
“Phoenix,” I whisper so no one but he and I can hear.
“No… Don’t do this to me now.” He pleas as he reaches out to me.
I spin and walk away. True to his word, though, he doesn’t follow. He doesn’t chase, for now. I know without a doubt he will, eventually.
My vision blurs as my tears suffocate my vision. My legs shake and give out in the aisle before my safe corner, and I bury my head in my hands. Finally, I let the tears fall. I give myself the space to break because I know, despite how hurt I am, I will pick myself up. I always do. I always will.
I promised myself a long time ago that no matter how bad it gets, I will always come back stronger. So I allow myself to break, but I will not stay broken.
I could kick myself for getting lost in him. I forgot to fear being seen and noticed. I let myself begin to imagine a life with him. Even if it was a long-distance one. Natasha reminded me where I belong. And it’s not here.
When I have no tears left, I rise, take a deep breath, and go to class.
My heart was softening, but no more. I’ve reinforced my armor.
Whatever this is between Ev and me, it’s done.
I cannot allow him to put a target on my back and hummingbirds in my chest. I will sacrifice being his if it means I can remain invisible to everyone else.