Chapter 12
“You know I’ll always be here for you, right?” he whispers into my ear. His warm breath tickles, and I scrunch my shoulder to my cheek, a reflex more than an intentional reaction.
“You will?”
“You doubt me still? It’s you and me.”
My heart takes flight, but fear cages her in again.
Fear of what is to come. Where we will go.
What we will do. I was so sure of everything I wanted and what I was going to do after graduation, but now it’s all muddled.
I can only think of wanting—no, needing to be with Ev right now.
The co-dependency that I have for him is terrifying.
A part of my logical brain warns me that pursuing this is unhealthy and will only lead to a broken heart.
But then he kisses me, holds me, speaks to me in the gentle way he does and I push all logic away, completely in ruins for him.
“What are your plans after high school?” Anxiety crawls up my throat, nervous to know the truth.
“Well, my parents want me to play ball in college. They want me to pursue a career in law or medicine.” That's his practiced answer, the one he gives everyone else. But I know him better.
“And what do you want?”
The breeze makes the trees whisper. As if they could tell me all I desire to hear. But they can’t. Only he can.
“I want to be with you. I want to go to culinary school.
I want to get a little studio apartment we can barely afford.
We will have to live off Top Ramen and boxed mac ‘n’ cheese.
I want to struggle with you. I want to survive with you.
I want to do life with you. One day, I'll bring you back here, to this spot.
We'll look out to see how far we have come together.
I'll drop down on one knee and make you my wife.”
There go my little hummingbird heart-wings. Damn him for making me fall so desperately in love with him.
"Technically I'd be your fiancé."
“Whatever, you little shit. I don't care which word you use. You belong to me. What about you?”
“I told you my plan.” My lips brush the skin of his neck, right where his pulse thrums, as I place a soft kiss to his warm skin.
“Sure. But is that what you want? If you had no restriction and anything you could dream would be your reality, what would you want?”
I ponder his question. I have never thought about it before because it was never an option for me.
There are restrictions to my dreams, realities meant for others that could never be mine.
Not because of money, although that does pose a significant challenge.
But through life, I've been beaten down so much that I was made into a person who could never have the bravery to chase such far-off fantasies.
I know and have accepted the life meant for me.
An average life. And I'm okay with that. Average isn't always a bad thing.
“I…don’t know. I never really allowed myself to dream like that. Why cause myself that much pain, dreaming up a life that could never be mine?”
"Just play along, pretty bird. Close your eyes. What do you see?"
I do. And when I do, I imagine a little coffee shop, me working behind the bar, smiling at someone.
A little boy running up to me and me embracing him, smothering his cute face with kisses.
A face that resembles Everett's. Green eyes, blond curly hair.
As I hold him in my arms, Ev comes up behind us, wrapping us in his arms. The image is full of love and laughter. Hope and happiness.
"Leo, you can have anything you want. What do you see?"
He doesn't understand. Imagining such a future is painful. It hurts to know that I could never have something like that. Not with him. We are too different. We come from completely different worlds. As much as I want it, someone like me will never have it. He is naive to think I ever could.
"I don't see anything, Everett. I can't allow myself to hope and dream like that because I wont survive the day it never comes.
That's why I guard myself. One day you will see, what we have, as beautiful as it is, it's temporary.
And I'm okay with that. Even if I can only have you for a short time, at least a part of my life was as beautiful as you. "
"Don't say shit like that. I know you can have it because I am going to give it to you. I'll give you everything you want, everything you need. I will do that, if you want me, if you let me."
My chest hurts at his confessions. He is blinded by love, but I see the truth.
But for now, I'll enjoy it. It will be the only time in my life I will be loved like Everett loves.
This I know to be a fact. His body surrounds me, as does the night.
The stars twinkle above us, holding our promises.
Maybe one day, when he is gone, I can look back up at these stars and feel him surrounding me.
"I do want you, Ev. I want you there every day." And what I don't say is that I know one day, his love will fade. He will stop his chase. He wants to save the bird with the broken wing. But he will realize how hard it is to love something that has no hope to fly again.
He nuzzles his nose into my neck. “I will be. I will be there for every high and every low. If you let me, I’ll be there.”
I don't want to ask him to make promises he can't keep, but I need those words right now. I need to hear him say it. "Do you promise me that you will love me for as long as you can?"
He moves to spin me so I am straddling his lap now. I can feel him under me, his hip bones digging into my thighs in the most painfully pleasurable way. I reach up and trace the small line between his furrowed brows. His piercing green eyes stripping away my fears.
“Hear me when I say this, Leo. I am yours. Even if one day you don't want me anymore, I'll still belong to you. I’m here now. I’ll be here tomorrow. I’ll be here always.
All you have to do is take me. You have to be brave enough to jump.
I will catch you. But I know one day, I won't have to. One day, you will spread those pretty wings and you will soar, and I will be watching from the ground. Watching as my little phoenix takes flight like she has always deserved.”
"And if I jump now. Will you catch me?"
"Of course."
A piece of my damaged heart crumbles, allowing my trust in him to burn away my fears. My lips meet his own, and I let him burn me, body, heart and soul.
His golden locks slide through my fingers like water. Our tongues as tangled as his fingers in my curls. His warmth wraps around me, my protector.
Then his hands are on my hips and he is pulling me into him, making my hips dance.
I can feel his length under me, and it’s like some hidden part in me rouses.
Suddenly, all I need and want is him inside me, his touch in places I have never been touched.
I need him to take this from me because it belongs to only him.
The run of his calloused hands under my sweatshirt leaves a trail of goose bumps in their wake. My nails claw at his shoulders. His chest brushes with mine as our entwined bodies move in sync with each other. I want to crawl inside him. I can't get close enough. I need more.
Suddenly, he pulls back, and I fear I’ve gone too far.
“We need to stop, or I am going to rip all these clothes off you and devour you like I have been dreaming about for months now.”
“So devour me.”
His eyes heat. His jaw clenches. A predator who has finally caught his prey. “No, we… I can’t. You deserve for your first time to be somewhere special, somewhere romantic. There needs to be planning involved and wooing and—”
I place my hand over his mouth to shut him up. “I don't need all of that. All I need is you, Ev.” I can see the fight in his eyes, warring inside with what his body wants and what he thinks I want. I give him the push he needs.
"Everett James, listen to me. I want this. I want you. When the day comes and you are no longer mine, give me something that will last forever. Give me a memory that I can escape into. Please."
He comes undone. His eyes blazing, his touch burning. I have ignited him, and he has consumed me in his flames.
He pulls my hoodie over my head, then my shirt, and then unclasps my bra. Before I know it, I’m straddling him with just my jeans and curls to hide me.
Picking me up by my hips, he spins me and lays me down gently so he is on top now, blocking me from the cold November air. He settles between my thighs, and I know without a doubt this is where he belongs. Where he will always belong.
He removes his own hoodie and shirt then begins to kiss down my chest, nipping at my skin and releasing sounds from me I have never made.
My yips and moans make him look up at me and smile like the devil himself.
I'm suddenly nervous, and my legs and hands begin to shake.
What if I'm not good at his? What will he think of my body?
I'm not Natasha. I have love handles and cellulite on my thighs.
My belly isn't flat. It's soft and squishy.
Before I even know what I am doing, I move my hands to cover myself.
"Don't you fucking dare, pretty bird. I'll trap those hands behind your back if I have to. Let me see you."
I can do this. This is Ev we are talking about. I take a deep breath in and let it out as I close my eyes and move my arms to above my head.
"Better. Now look at me."
And I do. There is no room for stubbornness in his tone. He needs my submission as much as I need to give it to him.
He continues leaving nips and kisses all down my neck and breasts. For a moment, I am lost in his eyes as they hold mine. I'm lost in the feel of his lips and teeth on my skin. Completely lost. Until he freezes over my belly.
“What are these?”
He kisses each mark. Eleven of them. I won't let those memories take this moment from me.
“Phoenix.”