Chapter 39
Home.
It’s been a while.
After Natasha showed up and announced her pregnancy, I couldn’t take it.
I was breaking—no, I was shattering. After everything I had been through, I had always been able to pick up my broken pieces and glue them back together.
But not this time. No, this time I was shattered, shredded.
I was left with no ability to put myself together again.
I needed to run. I had na?vely believed I had finally found my happy ending. Only for it to be ripped from my hands, by Natasha Baldwin.
But it’s not so easy this time. I have Rune, Henry Leo’s, Cole.
Sitting on this plane, I feel the devastation in my chest, the familiar burn, turning my heart to ashes.
He is going to choose her and his baby. Why wouldn’t he?
She can give him more children; she is giving him more children.
And even if he wanted me still, Everett is the type to put his baby before anything, before anyone.
As much as he loves Rune, Rune is a young boy.
Ev has the chance to raise his child with Natasha.
To be there for their birth, their first steps, their first words.
He has the chance to be a father from day one.
He won’t give that up.
He’s too good.
Once again, I am sacrificed for his future. My happiness pales in comparison to what their baby deserves. A father—a family.
Rune and I will be put on the back burner, a reminder of what was taken from him.
My throat burns with unshed tears. I’m not sure I have any more left. I think people are allotted a specific number of tears in their life, and I have burned through mine. They won't fall. They won’t release. They won’t help me shed my sorrow.
“Mom, where are we going?” Rune’s small hand lies on my arm.
He is scared. He has never seen me this way.
I want to put a mask on and shield him, but I can’t.
I can only protect him from so much in this world, but eventually it will fall down on him.
Maybe being a mother isn’t about being their armor but giving them the tools to build their own, stronger than you ever made your own.
“We are going somewhere very special, little bird.”
“Why?”
I turn in the small airplane seat and pull his head into my chest, cradling his soft blond curls.
“Sometimes we are riddled with so much hurt that we need to escape. We need somewhere to cry, to grieve, to rebuild. That’s where we are going, sweetie. Mommy needs to find herself again, and I think it’s time I remind myself why I am strong enough to do so.”
“Okay.”
He goes back to his coloring, and I look out the tiny window as clouds pass, carrying me back to the place I said I would never return.
A few hours later, a familiar bell rings out and a warmth and smell hits me that makes the air in my lungs freeze.
Ski.
He has his back turned, drying a mug with the towel that usually hangs over his shoulder. “Be with you in a moment.” His deep voice rattles through my chest, and finally my tears fall.
“Hey, old man.” My voice breaks as much as my heart is.
He turns, and when I expect to find shock and anger, I don’t. I find relief.
“You came home.”
And I know he doesn’t mean Aurora; he means to Mill’s.
He comes around the bar and embraces me, my hand still clinging to Rune’s small one. My son has been quiet this whole time.
“I’m so sorry, Ski. I should have—”
“Stop, sweetie.” He looks to Rune. “I know what you have been protecting.”
“Hi, I’m Rune.” His small hand extends out, and Ski takes it in his large meaty hand, giving it a firm shake.
“It’s nice to finally meet you, Rune.”
“Rune, this is your Grandpa Ski.” For the first time since I have met this devil dog, I see his composure break.
“Grandpa.” His voice cracks, and his eyes fill with tears.
“You’re my mommy’s dad?” He asks this to Ski, but I answer him.
“Yes, little bird. This is my father.” I kneel down so that I am face to face with Rune.
“Like Everett is my daddy?”
“Kind of. Everett is your daddy in blood and your daddy in your heart. Grandpa Ski and I don’t share the same blood like you and Everett, but in my heart, he is my father.”
"I see." Rune says, twisting his lips in deep thought.
“Old man, what do you say? I could really use a Leo…”
He nods and goes to make the coffee. I walk Rune to a table and give him his books. “Hey sweetie. Mommy needs to talk with Grandpa Ski. Can you sit here for a little bit?”
“Sure.” His innocent little face is so patient and understanding. How did I get so lucky? Oh right. His father is patient and understanding. And on my shit list right now.
When I take a seat at the bar, Ski sets down my Leo, and my fingers immediately find the rim of the warm mug.
“I love that you’re here, sweetie, but why are you?”
“It’s a long story.” I keep my eyes on my coffee. Watching it mix.
“No need to tell me. Ev and I talk every Sunday. I’m caught up. Although last I heard, you two moved in together, so why are you running?”
My eyes find his. “Is it that obvious?”
He’s silent. He doesn’t need words to make me feel safe. Just his presence soothes me.
“Natasha showed up two days ago. She’s pregnant, and the baby is Everett’s.”
“And?”
“And? What do you mean and? He’s going to be a father.”
Ski looks to Rune. “He already is, Leo. Just because this baby is Natasha’s doesn’t change anything between the two of you. If anything, that little nugget is a blessing. A chance for Everett to experience what he wasn’t given the chance to with Rune, and Rune is going to get to be a big brother.”
His truth stings. This is a chance for Everett to get to be a father in a way that I took from him.
“He hid Natasha from me. He was sleeping with her all this time. The one person who made my teenage life hell.”
“Don’t make this about you, Leo. Let go of the past.”
I’m shocked, a little pissed off too. He’s pulling the fight out inside me, and I don’t like it.
“Everett and Natasha have been friends for a long time. And despite who he is to the outside world, you know that Ev has very few people he trusts and is close with. Like it or not, Natasha has been there for him, before you and when you left. Now don’t look at me like a wounded little bird.
I know that you were lied to. I know. But that doesn’t change the fact that you left him.
You don’t get to judge him for how he coped with the damage your departure caused. ”
I hate that he’s right. We were both put into incredibly difficult situations.
I made selfish choices to heal and cope with what I thought Ev did, and it seems he did too.
And as much as I hate Natasha, she was there for him.
I don’t know their relationship, but something in her must speak to Ev for him to trust her.
There must be a side to her that she only gives to him, just like Gage, just like me.
Everett is the type of person who seems to collect all our vulnerable parts that we don’t allow anyone else to see. He keeps them safe.
“Did you ask him about why he didn’t tell you about his relationship with Natasha?”
Shit.
“No.” I hang my head in shame.
“You ran before allowing him to tell you his truth. Just like eight years ago.”
“Yes.”
“Your defense mechanism has always been to run, Leo. And I don’t blame you, with what you have been through.
But you can’t run all your life, sweetie.
Eventually you need to turn around and face your fears.
That boy loves you. He loves you like I loved my Millie.
Run to him, not from him. Let him catch you. He will if you let him.”
My chest hurts with the truth Ski is laying on me. Stupid wise old man.
He cups my cheek with his warm hand and moves my face so I am looking at him. “You need to let her go.”
I know. I know in my heart, he doesn't mean Natasha. He means my mother.
Her hands still wrap around my throat, my heart, keeping me afraid. Keeping me flightless and although I don't let my memories haunt me any longer. It seems she still lingers. Am I strong enough to face her? I think I am now. I hope I am. But am I strong enough to forgive her?
When I look to Rune and see Everett, I realize that I have to be. For them both.
“Is she still in the trailer?”
“No, sweetie. Here.” His voice is somber as he scribbles an address on a napkin and slides it to me. “If it’s okay with you, I can keep Rune here. I think you need to do this by yourself.”
After speaking to Rune and he is comfortable staying with Ski, I hop into my rental and plug the address into my phone. Must be another trailer park. Her lot number is 99.
Ten minutes later, I pull up to the address.
I get out, and the gray sky begins to drizzle, mimicking how I feel on the inside.
After a few minutes, I find lot number 99, marked by a gravestone.
Celleste Rose Laney
November 11, 1983-February 23, 2023
Where other headstones say beloved mother, friend, sister, hers is empty. The same way she made me feel for eighteen years. And despite the emptiness inside me left by her love, my tears fall.
I cry for the loss of my abuser.
I cry for the loss of my chance to show her she didn’t break me.
I cry for the loss of never getting to scream my pain back at her.
I cry for the loss of the woman who gave me life.
I cry for the loss of never feeling a mother’s love.
I cry for the loss of my mother.
Because at the end of the day, she was my mother and I loved her.
The sky weeps with me, washing away the ashes that are left after I have burned away every fear, insecurity, and ounce of pain and sorrow this woman left me with.
I realize at this moment that I have been chasing something that has been right here within me all along.
I have been chasing a rebirth. Waiting for some grand apology or confrontation to finally feel like I have shed my past and become who I was always meant to be.
But the chase was pointless, because here I am, at my mother’s grave, and I see that it was in me from the beginning.
I didn’t need to run. I just needed to stay still.
I didn’t need to chase my phoenix. She was always within me. I just needed to accept her.
My skin is wet, my curls are drenched, my body is tired. But my mind is quiet. Finally.
My past is there. It always will be.
But it's quiet. It’s settled.
It’s not my cage anymore.
I stand, letting the rain fall over my face, looking up and spreading my arms wide. I’m free. And despite everything, my cries turn to laughter.