Chapter 38 Wesley
WESLEY
It was Wednesday, and I hadn’t heard from Rosie since Sunday.
I considered texting her almost every hour, but talked myself out of it every time because all my messages from before still went unread.
She had fallen asleep five minutes after I turned on one of her favorite movies.
She hadn’t made a move to address anything on Sunday, and when I opened my mouth to bring it up multiple times, she would laugh or shoot me a look of happiness.
I couldn’t bring myself to ruin the moment, so I waited until she was ready.
The right moment never came, and I found myself spiraling in thoughts of what if she never was ready.
Lake had messaged me about heading to Megan’s after work for some food.
She said she messaged Rosie, but she was unable to make it due to a work deadline, so it would just be us three.
I begrudgingly agreed, although I had a few new YouTube videos I wanted to watch about building Lionel a more solid enclosure, that’s why I’d been marking the baseboards.
Work had been miles of assessing land and checking out zoning and the kind of testing that would need to take place in certain parcels for purchase. It was physically exhausting, and gave me hours to sit inside my own thoughts—which were a scary place, recently.
I kept asking myself over and over again about how I could have been so blind, why I didn’t realize how I felt until she started walking away from me.
Why I was so unaware. It all came back to my perception of love, my parents.
They always said it was like fireworks the first time they met, that it was instant and loud.
Rosie was quiet but all-consuming, and I figured that if it wasn’t setting off explosions, it wasn’t forever. But I had gotten it wrong. The more I sat with it all, the more I realized that the most important parts of life happen in the silence, in the mundane.
I’d always been searching for the loud because that’s what it looked like at home, growing up.
What we were told. That loudness wasn’t what settled me.
It wasn’t what made me happy. It was just what I thought should make me happy.
And instead of finding it out on my own, I shoved it down until I was forced to confront the reality that my peace in the chaos was on her way out the door.
Forced to face the fact that my peace was Rosie.
And peace is what you spend your whole life looking for.
Looking for something that was right in front of my face the whole time.
Pulling into Megan’s driveway, I was experiencing waves of grief over lost time. I placed my head on the steering wheel after I turned off the ignition, just trying to collect myself a bit before heading in. Self-realization was a bitch, especially when there was a chance it was coming too late.
“Never figured you to be a praying man.” A knock and the muted voice of Lake through the window sounded.
“I’ll try anything at this point,” I said lamely.
He just nodded toward Megan’s door and took off. Very slowly, I followed him in, wondering if I should just go home instead. I didn’t think I was going to be good company, but I decided against leaving since Lake had already seen me.
Stepping into her place always filled me with an overwhelming sense of familiarity, and it didn’t hurt my chest so much to be there. In fact, it might have helped ease some of the tension. “Wesley!” Megan called out and wrapped me into a hug, which was a little unlike her.
“I hope you’re hungry. White chicken chili.
” Her eyes were assessing. She knew it was my favorite, and why did I feel like I was being put on the spot in some way?
She started pulling out bowls and the toppings, cheese, sour cream, and corn chips for the top.
She made a huge bowl and handed it to me, and I knew something was going on.
“Okay, what gives? You always make the food but you don’t serve.” That had always been her rule when she cooked for us. Unless something had to be plated a certain way, she made the food, and we served ourselves.
“Told you he’d figure it out.” Lake pointed his spoon at her in accusation, and her shoulders deflated a little.
“Fine, fine. I just…Well, I wanted to talk to you about Rosie,” she informed me. I mashed my teeth together, trying to keep the impending anxiety at her words at bay as I felt my skin start to sweat.
“What about Rosie? Did something happen? Why didn’t you say something the moment I got here?” I was halfway out of my seat and grabbing my jacket and keys.
“Calm down, caveman. I just wanted to talk to you about your intentions.” I froze at her words. My intentions.
“So she’s fine?”
“She’s good, Wes, really. I just…I can’t lie and say I’m not concerned for her, and for you. I just…”
“You just what?” I wanted her to spit the words out and stop beating around the bush.
“I just want to make sure you aren’t…”
“Aren’t what?” I demand
“Chill, Wes.” Lake put his hand on my shoulder, and it took everything in me not to shake it off. “Rosie is our friend, too, okay?” I couldn’t fault them for wondering. I just thought they knew me better. After all, they’d known me since high school.
“I just want to make sure you’re in this for the right reasons. Not because…”
“Because?”
“You feel guilty, Wes. You’re a good enough guy to try out of guilt.” She looked down at the food in front of her. I was gobsmacked and offended. Even though I knew I didn’t have a right to be, a huge part of me was.
“I wouldn’t do that,” I choked the words out. “You know that.”
“You wouldn’t do it intentionally, just like you wouldn’t have hurt Rosie intentionally if you knew. But you did…”
“You think I don’t know that?” Frustration coiled in my gut, because their words and questions were what hung over me daily.
They were my burden to bear—and Rosie’s, in a roundabout way.
I hated that I had made them question me, hated that I had made her question my sincerity.
I was just…figuring out what my definition of love was.
And I’d been looking in all the wrong places.
“I think you do. I just…don’t want you guided by misplaced guilt. As much as I want you two together, I only want it if it's what you want. Rosie deserves it all, and so do you. Real love, a real shot at forever, and you need to walk away if that’s not what this is.”
“That’s what I think it could be.” I wasn’t going to go into all the gritty details of my realization before I gave them to Rosie first. They were hers, and she deserved them first. She deserved far more than I could ever give her, but that’s where I would start.
“If you’re sure,” she told me.
“I’m sure.”
“So how are you managing her dating life? Considering her next one is Friday.”
I must have knocked the chili into my lap at the reminder, because all of a sudden, my legs were on fire.
“That good, huh?” Lake clapped his hand on my back, and I bared my teeth at him. Megan gave me a look of relief, and I was suddenly aware I must have passed some kind of test, because she handed me napkins.
“Okay, then,” she told me. “I’m in.” She rubbed her hands together like she was some kind of evil genius, and had been waiting for that moment her entire life.