38. Miles
MILES
A fter Jenna left, I took Pete down to the beach and threw the ball for him until my arm hurt. Then I went back inside and fed him before falling into bed, exhausted from the emotions of the day.
Now the sun is casting its morning glow through the gap in my curtains, startling me awake.
I slept through the whole night. My hand drifts to the space next to me—empty and cold.
Jenna didn’t sleep next to me for the first time in weeks.
The realization that I may have lost her forever hits me with the brute force of a wave.
I fumble for my phone. Jenna’s name isn’t there—no missed calls, no messages.
I waste no time tapping her name. It doesn’t even ring. Immediately to voicemail. What have I done? My stomach twists and a wave of nausea passes through me.
I tap back to my home screen—I have other text messages, one is from Erin, the other is from Jake Walker.
I reluctantly open Erin’s.
Erin:
Miles, I’m sorry for yesterday. I’m leaving town this afternoon. I’d love to see you before I go and clear the air. Call me, please.
I am not in the mood for more of her bullshit but the nice guy in me feels terrible that she was so upset yesterday. There are so many things left unsaid between us—seeing her was like pouring salt on every open wound I still have. I need to stitch them up, once and for all. I text her back:
Me:
George’s Place - 11:00.
I begrudgingly open Jake’s text. What could he want other than to flip on me about Jenna. I’m right:
Jake:
Stay away from my cousin, asshat. You really hurt her.
Frustration bubbles in me. I know I hurt Jenna.
How could I not? But I had every intention of telling her about her dad before she found out on her own.
I’m so angry at myself. I’m afraid it’s too late, afraid I’m not good enough, and petrified to let her go.
I don’t answer Jake; I have to deal with Erin first. I don’t have much time before I’m supposed to meet her, so I roll out of bed and head for the shower, hoping to wash away my shame.
When I get out, I don’t feel any better.
If anything, my chest feels heavier. I call Jenna again.
This time when I get her voicemail, I leave a message: “Jenna, please call me. I’m so sorry, baby,” I rasp.
I pause, caught off guard by the wavering of my own voice.
“I love you, Jenna. Please, can we talk? Call me.” I hang up and follow it up with a text saying the same thing.
Then, I throw on a pair of gray sweatpants and a hoodie.
I feed Pete and take him for a quick walk before going to meet Erin and finally put this to rest, once and for all.
I’m jogging down my steps, heading for the sidewalk when I spot Jake, pacing around the parking lot.
His head snaps in my direction the second he sees me, like he’s been waiting.
“Dude, what are you doing?” I scoff, giving Pete’s leash a tug. “Sit, boy.”
“I was hoping to catch you, Miles.” Jake walks over. His words come out rough and he faces me with squared shoulders, as if to antagonize me. “I texted you.”
“Yeah. I got that.” I raise my eyebrows. “What do you want, Jake?”
“You really hurt my cousin.” Jake narrows his eyes, staring me down. “I’m not happy about it.”
I let out an impatient groan, but I level my eyes with his. “Jake, this is between me and Jenna. We’ll work it out.” I start to walk away, and Jake grabs my arm.
I turn around sharply. “Are you looking for a fight, Walker?” I shake my arm from his grip.
Jake doesn’t falter. In fact, he steps closer. “I always knew who you were, Miles. I warned Jenna, but I should have told her the truth, knowing you wouldn’t. If I had, maybe she wouldn’t be hurting right now.”
I roll my eyes. “You act like I had nefarious intentions, Jake. I love Jenna. If anything, this revelation is even more reason we should be together.”
“Yeah, well, she doesn’t want you anymore,” Jake growls. “You two are done.”
I smirk and narrow my eyes at him. “Please, like you have any say in what that girl does. Why don’t you mind your own business?”
“Jenna is my business. She’s my family,” Jake says. “And I am asking you nicely to leave her alone.”
“Why don’t you let Jenna decide for herself if she wants to be left alone, Jake?
” I start to walk away again, and this time he doesn’t stop me.
He knows I’d take him out in a fight. I keep walking though.
I wouldn’t do anything else to jeopardize my chances with Jenna, no matter how much I want to put my fist in his face.
“Maybe I will,” Jake calls after me, but we both know his little intimidation tactic didn’t work.
I laugh, shaking my head. “Yeah, you do that.”
Erin’s waiting for me at a small café table when I walk up to George’s Place.
She’s sipping a cup of coffee from the place next door, her posture stiff in the wrought iron chair.
It’s a breezy mid-November morning and I’m surprised she’s sitting outside, but maybe she means for this to be quick. I hope so.
“Erin,” I greet her tersely.
Erin stands quickly when she sees me. “Miles, hi.”
I gesture to the front door. “Did you want to eat inside?”
Erin shakes her head. “I think it’s probably better if we don’t share a meal. We don’t have to stay long.” She sounds uncertain but I’m not going to beg her to stay.
I nod, pulling out my own chair. “Okay, well, let’s have it then.”
Erin takes a deep breath. “Miles, I’m sorry. I had no right to show up there yesterday.”
“No, you didn’t. So why did you?”
Erin winces. “Are you sure you want to know?”
I stare at her with wide eyes. “Uh, yeah. You really may have messed things up for me with Jenna. So, I’d love to know your earth-shattering reason for blowing up my life.”
“I was afraid of that. I’m embarrassed to tell you this, but some of my girlfriends have seen you around town with her.
They said you went to a Halloween party as a couple .
You never did that with me.” She chews on her cuticle before continuing.
“I just got jealous. I know I left you but I’m the one who’s still alone.
I’m the one who messed up. I thought if you saw me…
you might miss me too.” She looks down at her cup of coffee.
I rake my fingers through my hair. “I’m sorry, Erin. There’s no going back.”
“I know. I realize that now. I am really sorry about everything.” She looks away, refusing to meet my gaze.
“Thank you,” I say quietly.
“Have you talked to her yet?” Erin asks.
I scratch my chin, shaking my head. “No, no. I really don’t want to talk about it.”
“Okay.” She pushes her chair back and stands. “I should get going.”
I do the same. This was easier than I anticipated . “Okay.”
“Can I have a hug?” Her voice trembles when she asks and the sadness on her face tugs at something inside me.
I never meant for things to be this way. “Of course you can,” I relent, opening my arms.
Erin steps into them and holds on tight. She pulls back, holding my hand for a moment before turning to go. “Bye, Miles,” she mutters softly.
“Bye, Erin.” I lift my hand, giving her a half-hearted wave.
Erin walks away, and ease settles over me. Halfway there. If I can just get Jenna to talk to me, maybe she’ll see what I see: we’re meant to be. But my relief is short-lived when I feel a pair of eyes on me. I look up to see Joy, giving me a death glare. “Hey, Joy,” I call, waving.
Joy doesn’t reply, she walks into the coffee shop, never taking her narrowed eyes off me. Just great.
I pull my phone out of my pocket as I walk toward my car.
There is nothing from Jenna. I hit the call button, and it actually rings before going to voicemail.
“So, her phone is on,” I say to myself. I call again.
This time it goes to voicemail after only two rings. She declined me. I hammer out a text:
Me:
Jenna, please talk to me. I love you
.
For a moment, the three dots are there, and I get my hopes up, but nothing ever comes.
There is nothing else to do but go home.
I climb into my car and crank the seat warmer.
It’s cooler than I thought. As I drive, I find myself going in the direction of Jenna’s house.
I don’t think about it, I just drive. I turn slowly down Monarch Street, anxiety rising in my chest, my heart hammering.
My eyes sting from exhaustion, despite ten hours of sleep.
When I pull up to Jenna’s house, there’s no one there.
The house is dark, her car is gone. Where could she be?
I assumed she went home last night after her dinner.
She must be with Jake. That must be why he came for me.
I get out of the car and walk around the house, eyeing the exterior work Danny and his crew have already done.
The tarp is still on the roof, but the foundation work looks almost complete.
I wander back around front and sit on the stoop.
“How did things get so messed up?” I say to no one.
I’m terrified of losing Jenna. At the same time, I’m afraid of her coming back and hurting her.
I already failed once. Maybe it’s better if I cut her loose now—save both of us from the heartache.
I know deep down I won’t be able to do that, though.
Jenna has changed me forever. She cracked something open in me that I’d thought was sealed shut forever.
Before Jenna, I was drifting through life, going through the motions—avoiding anything that required me to feel too much.
She brought warmth back into my life, made everything matter again.
Her quiet strength, the way she carries on with life despite everything she’s been through—even when she’s falling apart.
She makes me want to be a better man. I just have to hope that I changed her in some way too—that some part of her believes I’m worth staying for.
I groan and walk back to my car. The two surfboards that never leave my roof rack beckon me.
I haven’t been to the beach for a couple of days.
Every time something in my life happens that feels too overwhelming, the waves have been there.
I crave the rush of adrenaline, wondering if I can conquer them each time, feeling invincible when I do.
I walk around to the trunk, checking for my spare wet suit.
It’s there. I hop in the driver’s side and do the only thing I can when I feel like I’m drowning. I drive to the beach.