43. Jenna
JENNA
A couple of weeks without Miles in my life feels like I’ve lost a limb.
I can’t believe I went from feeling so happy and taken care of to just, not.
The funny thing is, most mornings I wake up feeling okay.
I get ready for work, have breakfast and burnt coffee with Aunt Leona, and carry on with my day.
On days that I don’t have work, I research DIY projects to make the house more appealing to buyers.
I have also been looking for jobs in South Carolina, near Morgan.
My search isn’t going so well right now, but that’s not stopping me from looking.
Occasionally, the loss of Miles hits me with a crashing wave of grief.
I think it’s really the loss of everything in my life that seemed sturdy.
Thankfully, I have Joy, Aunt Leona, and Jake.
It’s the week before Thanksgiving and the hardware store has been incredibly busy.
Joy gave Leo and me more hours, and I am socking away all the money I can.
Helping customers decide what they need keeps my mind off the current indecision in my life.
I am sad, but I finally feel like I’ll be okay, wherever I end up in the new year.
It’s almost the end of my shift when the door jingles and in walks Jake and Aunt Leona. Jake is wearing a Santa hat, and I bark out a laugh. “Feeling jolly? You’re a smidge early.” I giggle.
“We thought we’d see if you wanted to come get a Christmas tree with us,” Jake says, sauntering up to the counter while Aunt Leona peruses the LED lights on the carousel in front of me.
“A real tree?” I perk up immediately.
“What else is there?” Jake frowns.
I gesture toward the display of very realistic pre-lit, artificial Christmas trees at the back of the store. “Well, there are a lot of those,” I say with a laugh.
“Nah. We need the real deal. What do you say?” He raises his eyebrows expectantly.
“I get off in ten minutes,” I say slowly. “Let’s do it! I haven’t had a real tree since I was a little girl.”
“Well, then you’re in for a treat.” Jake grins.
Aunt Leona comes up to the counter with several packages of multicolored Christmas lights and a star that twinkles. “Jake and I always listen to Christmas music while we decorate the tree, then we order Chinese food and watch a Christmas movie.”
I grin, nodding. “That sounds wonderful, thank you for thinking to include me. Christmas may be a little sad for me this year,” I murmur. “You know, it’s my first one without my mom.”
“How could I forget, sweetie?” Aunt Leona asks, patting my hand. “I know we’re a little early, but Thanksgiving is so late this year. I like to look at the lights as long as possible.”
“Sounds good to me,” I say, grinning with excitement. I scan her items.
Joy comes out from the back, whistling to herself. “Oh, hello there!” She greets my family. I have a family! “How goes it?”
“We came to see if Jenna wanted to come with us to get a Christmas tree,” Jake says, eyeing Joy with a bit of a twinkle in his eye.
“Oh, how fun!” Joy squeals. “I love Christmas!”
Aunt Leona swipes her card, and I hand over the bag of lights.
“You good here?” I turn to Joy.
She nods with a smile. “Definitely. Go have fun.” She makes a shooing motion with her hand.
“Thanks.” I grin, turning to get my hat and coat from the closet behind me. “I’ll see you,” I say, with a wave.
“Bye!” Joy shouts. Then a moment later, “Bye, Jake.”
I can’t help but notice Jake turning over his shoulder, grinning.
Two hours later, we pull into Aunt Leona’s parking space with the cutest little Douglas fir strapped to the roof. It isn’t a huge tree, but it’s definitely got some weight to it. Aunt Leona climbs out, and we assess how to get it upstairs.
“Well, I’m going to go order our dinner and get the boxes out of the closet,” Aunt Leona says, whirling around and climbing the steps. “You two got this, right?” she calls over her shoulder.
Jake and I look at each other and burst out laughing.
Jake opens the driver’s side door and stands on the side of the car so he can reach the rope. “You go on the other side and do the same.” He gestures with a nod.
I follow his lead, but I can’t reach the tree. “I can’t get it,” I tell him, groaning.
A throat clears behind me. My blood runs cold.
It’s been over a week since I’ve seen him, and I’m not prepared for the backflips my heart does immediately in his presence.
I sense him before I see him. He comes up behind me, reaching around my shoulder and tugging the tree toward us.
Jake tosses the utility knife without a word, Miles catches it and cuts the rope.
“I would have gotten it,” I mutter.
His breath is hot in my ear. “I know you would have,” he murmurs.
The back of my neck tingles at his closeness. I want nothing more than to turn my face toward his, kiss, and make up. But I keep my eyes focused on Jake instead.
“Step down, let me help Jake,” he commands, but instead of sounding harsh, it’s sexy as hell. I do as I’m told, stepping back to give him room.
The two men lift the tree, and with Jake in front and Miles in back, they make for the stairs.
“I really could have done it,” I call after them.
Miles turns around, offering me a quick grin that turns my insides molten. You’re mad at him, Jenna. Remember. I need a pep talk.
When I reach the top of the stairs, they’re already inside. I force myself to take a deep breath, willing my pulse to slow down. Miles is just being neighborly. I brace myself and walk in. Jake is on the floor on his side, locking the tree trunk into the stand while Miles holds it up straight.
Aunt Leona is watching, arms crossed, directing them. “Miles, tilt it a little to the right.” She points and he does. “There you go, that’s it.”
“Got it,” Jake declares, sitting up. He stands and dusts off his hands before offering one to Miles. “Thanks, man. You made that easier than it would’ve been otherwise.”
I gasp in mock offense and both men turn toward me, silence hanging in the air.
“What? Where’s the lie?” Jake smirks.
“Miles, would you like to stay for Chinese?” Aunt Leona asks. Jake and I whirl our heads in her direction simultaneously, and it’s not lost on Miles.
Miles chuckles awkwardly. “Thanks, Mrs. Walker, but I really should be going.” He moves toward the front door, but as he brushes past me, he stops, reaching for my arm. “Can I talk to you?” he whispers.
My arm is sizzling under his touch. I want nothing more than to go back with him and curl up on that couch with him and Pete. I want to forget his betrayal ever happened. “Okay.” My voice is faint.
Miles leads me outside and pulls the front door closed behind us. I lean against the wall for support, but Miles towers over me.
“Jenna, I miss you,” he croaks. “Have you gotten any of my messages?”
I close my eyes and nod before meeting his smoldering gaze, burning right through my tough exterior.
He lets out a defeated sigh. “Okay then—” His voice is full of ragged emotion and if I let him continue, I’ll cave.
I hold up my hand. “Stop, Miles, please. I’m not strong enough for this,” I beg. Then quieter, “You broke my heart keeping that from me.”
Miles puts his right hand on the side of the wall, boxing me in. He drops his gaze to his feet, sighing. When he looks back up, his eyes are glistening. “I broke my heart too,” he rasps. “I guess this is it then.”
His body is so near to mine that I can feel goose bumps rising under my sweater. My stomach is in knots, his breath is tickling my neck. Oh, how I want to stop him and say it’s not over. The heat between us is scorching. Just because he hurt me doesn’t mean the fire went out. But I can’t .
“I got so hurt, Miles,” I murmur, refusing to meet his vulnerable gaze.
Miles pushes off the wall and walks away, raking his fingers through his hair in visible frustration. Then his eyes pierce mine with a determination that makes my insides heat and my thighs ache. “I will make this up to you,” he vows, and then he’s down the stairs, leaving me in dismay.
The delivery driver startles me out of my pity party a moment later with two overstuffed paper bags of Chinese food. It’s enough to feed ten people and far too much for the three of us. I thank him and take it inside.
“Food’s here,” I say, glancing at Jake, flat on his back stringing lights on the bottom of the tree, and Aunt Leona, perched in the chair, delegating.
“Oh yay!” She pops up. “I’ll get some dishes.”
“I’ll be right back,” I call, walking down the hallway to my room.
Seeing Miles again stirred something deep inside me.
His absence has left a hole in the rhythm of my days.
A sharp ache spreads throughout my chest. I wanted so badly to melt into his arms and forget about all of it—nothing matters but the two of us.
But that’s not true anymore, and so a quieter, sharper part of me won out, reminding me why everything ended in the first place.
Last week, when Miles brought me flowers, there was a card attached.
I shoved it in my nightstand drawer without looking at it, but suddenly, I can’t wait any longer.
I have to know what it says. I yank the drawer open, pulling out the brown paper envelope, ripping it open in haste.
There, in the center of the card is one sentence, written in Miles’ scribbly handwriting:
I thought if I told you the truth, you would leave, and I wouldn’t be able to take that. —M
A teardrop lands on his jagged handwriting, making the ink run.
The truth is, it probably would have freaked me out, but I wouldn’t have left.
I am constantly looking for glimpses of my mother and father in everyday life.
I look for signs that they’re with me and that no matter how much I feel it sometimes, I’m not alone.
The fact that my dad died saving Miles makes me feel like he’s meant for me, if only he hadn’t kept it from me.
“Jenna, you coming?” Jake's voice brings me back to the present.
I sniffle and drag my thumb under my eyes, wiping away mascara-tinged tears. “Coming!” I call, glancing at myself in the mirror. I really do look sad. I force a smile at my reflection. “Put on a happy face,” I murmur to myself.
So, I do just that.