Chasing Summer

Chapter Twenty-Four #2

teens how to set up a scene? This is the county. We have the highest number of artists per capita than anywhere else in the

country. There’s a poet and a dancer and a writer in every second house.”

“Then why haven’t you been overt about it?”

“I took you on the most well-thought-out date I’d ever planned for anyone in my entire life. But I was honestly never sure

what you felt. You got pretty cold after the staff party night. And I felt bad because you were pretty drunk. I don’t know,

I didn’t want to be that guy. So I backed off.

And then you backed off, so it kind of confirmed things.

And then, I don’t know, Dave is, like, hovering everywhere.

Like, he hasn’t generally been my biggest fan, but every time I’m around you and he’s there, he legit looks like he’d like to stab me.

Even when I picked you up tonight, he scowled at me.

I can tell that when you’re present, Dave can only see you.

Neve confirmed it! So I just really like you, but far be it from me to stand in the way of true love, you know?

But yeah, every time I’ve played fake boyfriend, man, I loved it. Wasn’t I good at it?”

“You were, you definitely were,” I said. “I would cast you if they made a movie about my summer, that’s for sure. And I mean,

the big finale is the wedding, one week away until curtain!”

He curled in a bit closer to me. I could smell that perfect cologne on his neck. It was such a relief to hear Ben’s honest

thoughts and to know exactly how he felt. I wanted that kind of clarity and thoughtful communication from Dave, something

more than his I don’t know. But I didn’t want to be dishonest or lead Ben on now that I knew he really had a crush. It’s not that I didn’t have a crush

on Ben. I did. The attraction was palpable, and we got along so well. But what I felt for Dave was off the charts, comparatively.

But was my chemistry with Dave healthy? I had no idea. And did that chemistry even matter if Dave was going to ghost before

we even got things started for real, as two adults?

“I think I need time to think about things,” I said, which was the most honest thing I could think of without getting too

specific that by things, I mostly meant Dave. “I mean, we had a great time that night after the party, that was very hot.”

“Ugh, so hooooot.” Ben laughed.

“And you’re really fun to be around, you’re a relaxing presence. I need that in my life,” I said. “Life in Los Angeles with

you would be a real adventure, right? I feel like you would really inspire me to aim high and not get discouraged. There’s

an attractive kind of optimism to the way you live your life,” I said.

Ben beamed. “I love that you feel that way. Being hopeful is kind of essential if you want to make it, right?”

“Hope and tenacity, that’s for sure.”

“I know it seems like I was kind of here and there with you this summer, a little unsure. But I was picking up on your uncertainty.

Maybe that sounds like a cop-out, but that’s the truth. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. And honestly, friendship

wouldn’t be a consolation prize. Friends are just as important as lovers to me,” he said.

Ben’s frankness and confidence, and just plain good-natured sense of himself, was starting to win me over. And just as I was

trying to think of something better, more concrete to say, Dave, Neve, and Finn walked by. Dave turned to look at me, and

his face fell at the way Ben and I were standing so close together. We weren’t touching, but I immediately felt awkward and

pulled back a bit. Neve clocked it. Ben clocked it. It was true, he did change when he saw us together. But we were not in

the ninth grade. We were all adults. It might have once seemed attractive, but now I wasn’t so sure.

“Hey, guys,” I said, faux casual, my palms instantly sweaty and a creep of blush crawling up my neck until I could feel my

earlobes burning. I swallowed like I was teaching myself how for the first time, “I didn’t know you were coming to the drive-in!”

“Neve’s idea for us to crash your staff movie night,” Dave said. “But also I never pass up an opportunity to see Jaws from my rearview mirror while also watching Minions.”

We all turned toward Neve, the only person with zero reason to feel weird.

“Hey brother, hey lady,” said Neve, offering me a hug.

I felt a little like a chosen one, now that she’d warmed to me, and opened my arms in return.

Her hug was just like she was as a person—strong, straightforward, sincere.

I felt a bit anointed by it, as I took a step back.

Dave stood still, looking at the ground, holding Finn’s hand.

No offer of a hug. Which was a relief, because if I’d hugged Dave, I don’t think I could’ve disguised how his proximity made me feel.

Come on, brain, think of an icebreaker. Dave was wearing classic Levi’s that practically advertised the way jeans should look on a man, and a slightly fitted white

T-shirt that showcased his arms and, somehow, his neck? Since when had I noticed necks as sexy?

“You trying to cut in the popcorn line?”

Thank you, brain storage of bad jokes I’d made in a script.

“Nah, we got some earlier. We’re just on our way to the bathroom so we can run around some more before the movie starts.”

I bent down to talk to Finn more eye to eye.

“Have you ever seen Minions?” I asked.

“It’s my favourite movie.”

“I love it, too.”

He beamed. I stood up. More silence.

“Anyway, we better get going,” Dave said. “Have a good night.”

“Yeah, you too,” I said. I wanted to text him that Ben and I weren’t on a date, that we were there with a group. But that

was definitely overthinking, was it not?

Neve and Dave looked so comfortable together. I felt so jealous of her, their lifelong connection, how shiny her hair was,

how her beauty looked so effortless. Ben and I stood further apart while we ordered our popcorn and walked at arm’s length

back to his car. My phone rang. “My agent,” I explained to Ben, pocketing my phone and telling him about the sequel to A Crush for Christmas. “I still need time to think about it. There’s a draft, and they want me to rework it in time for the shoot as soon as possible.”

“Well, you have to take it. It’s better money, a better credit. Don’t say no to work when it’s coming in, believe me. People

fall off the radar all the time and it’s hard to get back on it. Plus, the shoot is what, four weeks? You could come to LA

after.”

“Sometimes I think I need to be more conscious about the work I do choose, while I can. Otherwise I might wake up at forty-five

still doing Christmas movies. I have so much more to say.”

“You’ll do it. Especially while you’re still unmarried and don’t have kids. The people who get stuck are those who stop trying, or they have to be the breadwinner.”

It was true that I was at a time in my life with freedom and flexibility to move around if I wanted to. I had no strings and

it was an advantage. Ben and I together in LA, it would be like two people with drive and flexibility, who also had companionship

with someone who understood the business. I didn’t think anyone in my life would have automatically given me such insider

advice the way Ben just did.

Ben’s phone went off next. He answered and walked around in the weeds behind the group while he talked. I called Jeff back

and confirmed that, yes, I’d be taking the gig. Ben’s advice had sealed it. I’d do the rewrites on the original draft and

then shooting would start. But I wasn’t free until after the wedding.

I returned to Ben’s car, where Noah, Allegra, and I sat on the fold-out chairs and discussed the campers’ final week of performances.

I was only half listening because I noticed Neve and Dave having some sort of heated exchange, Neve’s arms flailing everywhere

as Finn kicked a ball around with another kid about his age. In the end Dave gave her a limp hug, and she wandered over to

us to participate in the staff movie night.

“You good?” I asked Neve, as she unfolded a chair and pulled a mosquito-net hat over her head.

“Yeah, you?”

“Yeah,” I lied.

We both watched Dave kicking the ball back to Finn, as the night fell and the movie screens lit up. Everyone around us clapped

excitedly. I slicked more mosquito repellent on my arms and legs, and huddled under my blanket, thankful the movie could transport

me away from my romantic dilemma, and the fact that my summer of wildflowers and big, open skies was coming to a close.

All around us coyotes started to howl against the horizon. It was a beautiful chorus and I wished I could join in, just let all this uncertainty out into a wild roar. Instead I ate popcorn and watched a cinematic masterpiece to avoid thinking about my feelings.

When I got home, my mother wasn’t asleep. Sadly. She was sitting at the table with a glass of wine and her laptop, and she

had moved all of the wedding crafts—the table centrepieces I was making out of vintage cloth-bound books, stencilled with

gold letters that read Sarah & Kate—to a pile on the floor. Some of the lettering was still drying. I kneeled down to see if they were ruined.

“Why did you move the crafts? You could have damaged them!”

“They were everywhere. How was I supposed to eat?” Her voice betrayed a mood I hadn’t been around in a while but felt very

familiar—the mother-as-baby voice. Like, Oh I can’t help doing this utterly illogical thing!

“Well, you only require one place at the table. You might have slid them to one side, gently,” I said, picking up the books.

A flash of guilt crossed her face. Then stubborn pride, her usual.

“I don’t know why you didn’t choose flower centrepieces.”

“There will be some single flowers in vintage vases as well. Hazel is bringing those.”

She made a sound like a sniff or a scoff. Before I could take a breath and change course, I did what I normally do—talk to

her like she was five years old.

“Are you feeling left out? You could always offer to help, Mom.”

“Katie didn’t ask me to do anything.”

“Well, she hasn’t always been sure you’d be present, Mom. You are somewhat unreliable that way.”

She stood up and drained her wineglass before rinsing it in the sink. “I’ve spent my whole summer dedicated to being closer

to you both!”

“It seems like you spent the summer sulking away from Charles, but OK.”

We were closer than we had been, but I wouldn’t say we were close. We’d reached a type of peaceful coexistence in a small space, but almost every day,

I wished at least once she’d evaporate. “How are you and Charles? Is that who you were shouting at in the car?”

“Yes.”

“Are you officially broken up or what?”

“No. I don’t know. I just want him to make an effort, you know?”

“Have you said that to him?”

“He should know.”

“He cannot read your mind.”

Another scoff.

“Haven’t seen Ben around much lately. Did you screw that up?”

“We went to the movies tonight, actually.”

I hated acting just as immature as my mother, but once she pushed a button, I always pushed one back. Why was I bothering

with this fake-dating lie? Why did I care so much about what she thought? I know a certain amount of that is baked into our

psyche from birth given, that we need a parent to survive, but I was an adult now. I could just stop caring, couldn’t I? A

young part of me still really cared about her opinion that Ben was great, that I had a real partner, someone to love me the

way that Sarah loved Kate.

I placed the centrepiece crafts up on the shelf beside the TV and went to take a shower. When I got out of the bathroom, my

mother was still sitting at the table, furiously typing.

“Mom, I feel like I understand your choices better than I used to, and I’m starting to see you as an adult from an adult perspective,

but I still think you can be thoughtless when it comes to my feelings. Can you try to think before you just blurt out hurtful

things?”

My mother looked as though I’d slapped her across the face. She actually touched one hand to her cheek, her eyes wide. “OK,”

she whispered.

“OK,” I repeated back to her.

“But it takes two, you know, and—”

“Mom, I am your kid. I might be grown, but you’re still the parent. You could still show concern for me, like a parent would.”

“You’re not a baby, Elise.”

“Mom, do you know why you’re here and not with Kate and Sarah? Because Sarah begged me to take care of you this summer so

Kate could have some space before the wedding. Because when you’re around, Kate and I treat you like you’re the child. That

has to stop.”

“Well, I know I’m not perfect. But surely, you don’t really mean that.”

“I do.”

She huffed. “Well, what can I do?”

“Why don’t you call Katie and Sarah and ask them directly? You have a lot of skills.”

“OK,” she said.

I could see another critical comeback brewing in her brain, but she quieted it. I turned on the late-night news broadcast

and we watched in silence.

When I woke up early on Sunday, I jumped in the lake and then brought my laptop to the library in town, where I worked all

day until I found an ending. I left feeling high on accomplishment and ready for the last week of camp.