Chapter Twenty-Seven #2
Next Crissy spoke about Sarah, how they’d been each other’s first partners and then best friends through their early twenties.
“When she met Katie, I knew she was the one. It was so clear how good they were for each other, how they brought out the best
in their already sweet natures. Katie and Sarah know how to attachment theorize with the best of them, but they don’t play
games. They are each other’s priorities, and they protect each other’s peace. It’s beautiful and inspiring to watch. I hope
we all get to experience a love like theirs in our lifetime.”
I glanced at Ben, expecting to see him moved by the moment, but he was scrolling his phone.
I glanced at Dave and he held my eyes, and then blushed and looked away.
I was so caught up in the moment that I didn’t realize everyone was staring at me.
Marlon had to grab my arm. “It’s our turn,” he said, clicking off the slide show and taking the microphone.
“We’re behind the scenes people, Elise and I, so we made this little movie for you.” He pressed play on a video we’d edited
together of Sarah and Katie deep cuts—goofy drunk dancing, the time Katie jumped out of a cake on Sarah’s thirtieth—all with
a voice-over of funny commentary about their relationship. We’d made it on our lunch breaks during A Crush for Christmas before I got fired. It was odd to rewatch now with different eyes. I felt like I’d aged years over the last seven weeks.
By the end Sarah and Katie were both crying. Marlon and I fist-bumped each other.
After dinner, Ben grabbed my hand, pulling me onto the dance floor for the opening bars to “Living on a Prayer.” We screamed
the chorus with Yasmine and Val and the entire wedding party. I could see Dave dancing on the sidelines, holding his kid’s
hands as they circled around. “He never stops staring at you,” Ben said. “Sorry, I’m trying to be cool.”
It was in fact the only time I’d ever seen Ben slightly less than chill about everything.
“We’ve been needing to have a conversation, waiting until after the wedding.”
“Yeah, your vibe is unfinished business.” I could tell in that moment that Ben thought what Dave and I needed to talk about
was that Ben and I would be together, but I hadn’t agreed to that yet. I was still stumped.
But when the song ended, I squeezed Ben’s hand and then went over to greet Dave and Finn.
“Hey, guys.” I crouched down to Finn’s eye level. “Did you like the wedding?”
He shrugged.
“Goldy made all the little gift bags,” Dave said. The kids got little bags of small vintage toys. Finn was holding one of the tiny metal cars from the eighties. He looked confused.
“You’re Goldy? The real life Goldy? I thought you were Elise.”
I looked up at Dave.
“I make up these bedtime stories for him every night. There’s a whole cast of characters. Goldy is the golden unicorn who
often saves the day when they go on adventures.”
“Wow, golden unicorn. That sounds about right.”
There was an awkward pause before I had an idea.
“Finn, would you like to meet Sarah’s nieces and nephews? They are playing hide-and-seek over near the barn.” I offered my
hand, he took it. Dave followed us. The kids were between five and twelve or so, and I brought Finn to the oldest, Shelagh.
She was the spitting image of Sarah.
“Shelagh, because you’re the oldest and the most responsible,” I started and she beamed at this, “can you help Finn play hide-and-seek
and watch out for him?”
“I’m big! I’m five!” he insisted.
“Of course you are,” I said, then I winked at Shelagh. She winked back. We watched them play for a bit, and then backed off,
sipping wine and leaning against the fence. A slow song started playing. We couldn’t see the dance floor from there, and I
worried Ben might come looking for me before we had a chance to talk.
“Want to dance?” I asked.
“Here? With the horses?” He laughed but pulled me close, and we started to sway to the beat of “All of Me” by John Legend.
Despite the confusion, there was so much heat between us I could hardly bear not to kiss him. I gripped the sides of him,
pulling him close. Instead he spoke.
“Neve told me Ben basically proposed to you.”
“What, that is not true. He just told me how he felt. He’d like to, uh, date. For real, not fake.”
“So what did you say?”
“Nothing official.”
“She said you might be moving to LA with him.”
“He has asked me that, but it seems a bit premature. But in some ways, it makes sense, too.” Why not be utterly honest, I
suppose.
“You didn’t tell him no, because you’re in love with me? Isn’t that what you said, that night?”
“You know how I feel about you, Dave. You know I’ve been pining for you for over ten years. If you told me how you felt, if
you wanted to be with me, too, it would change everything. Please, just tell me how you feel.”
“I don’t know, Goldy, seeing you and Ben together really shook me,” he said, standing back from me and taking a deep breath.
“You’re so confident. Ben is like the guy every woman in the county wants to pin down, but he wants you. You wrote an entire
script this summer while your mother drove you nuts and you had a full-time job, and I’m just this very divorced guy working
construction trying to get through the day and I don’t know why you like me. I dumped you once. I broke your heart. Maybe
you only like the memory of who I was back then?”
“No, that’s not true.”
“I can’t even look at you without wanting to kiss you. I’ve had to go inside and get in a literal cold shower at least three
times a week just from watching you cross the lawn in your little sundresses.” He laughed.
I laughed, too, and pulled him closer.
“I love who you are now. What does it matter if our lives are different?”
“Well, I can’t move to LA. My life is here.”
“I like it here,” I said. I wasn’t sure how to explain that I felt calm in the county, that it felt settling to me in my bones, being here.
“But you haven’t lived here, not really. Not through the winter. It stops being novel and romantic pretty quickly. And dating
a parent is no picnic.”
“You’re really selling yourself here.”
“I just don’t want you to fall for nostalgia and then be disappointed, you know? And it’s not just me, it’s me and Finn, too.”
“I understand that. I know it’s not easy.”
“When are you leaving here?”
“Tomorrow. My new job starts Monday with some meetings, then rewrites. Then it’s a five-week shoot.”
“Tomorrow?” he said, exasperated.
He shook his head.
“Sorry, but with this kind of work, you have to say yes to things quickly, and I didn’t work all summer. My savings are running
out.”
“See, like this is the kind of thing that wouldn’t work between us.”
“Me working, being away sometimes?”
“No, that’s not what I meant. I’m not explaining myself correctly.”
“I mean, what does your future look like? How much longer are you going to stay in this cabin?”
“Until end of September, depends on the weather and what I decide to do with my life, I suppose. I’m sorry I don’t have any
answers. I feel like I can’t deal with this.”
“Deal with it. Please, just tell me what you want, how you feel.” I pleaded, I grabbed onto his shirt and pulled him close.
“Goldy, Goldy, stop,” he whispered and pulled back. Ben was standing beside the barn, holding two glasses of wine. The DJ
was playing an old Fugees classic.
“I guess you made your choice?” he said, glaring at Dave but then shaking his head. My heart sunk. I felt awful, like the worst person on earth. What was I doing? I didn’t want to hurt Ben.
“Ben, I know we have a lot of bad blood between us, but this is just complicated,” Dave stuttered.
“It’s fine. We were just fake dates, right Elise? It’s no big deal,” he said, putting on the charming voice of Ian from A Crush for Christmas.
“Ben,” I said, somewhat uselessly.
“Look, Dave has probably been telling you that you can’t trust me, right? That I can’t be counted on.”
“You were young, Ben,” Dave said, gently.
“That didn’t stop you from talking shit about me to everyone around here who would listen.”
“You talked shit about me, too, didn’t you?”
“I suppose. I didn’t mean to. I tried not to say anything bad to Elise, unless she asked my opinion. But I’m sorry, Dave,
I’m sorry. I was a kid, but I should’ve paid more attention. If I could go back and do that differently, you know I would.
Your brother was my best friend. I lost someone important to me too.”
“I know, I know,” Dave said.
They both looked very emotional. I thought about suggesting they should hug when Finn ran up to us, tears streaming down his
face. “Nobody found me,” he cried. I looked around for the other kids. Some kids were all looking at the horses, but Shelagh
was nowhere to be found. They basically abandoned him. We hadn’t noticed. More guilt. Guilt mountain! Ben turned and walked
off as Finn grabbed Dave by the legs.
“Shelagh!” I called. No response. “I’m sorry, Finn.”
Dave picked him up in his arms.
“It’s OK, pal, I think it’s time for bed. You want a story?”
He brightened at this. Dave held him, petting his head, for a beat.
“Meet me at the fire later, when everyone goes?” I asked.
He whispered to me quickly, “I have to choose him. I can’t look away. This is, like, an illustration of what I mean, this very moment. We are near a lake right now, I can’t be distracted.”
I thought it was just unlucky timing; it wasn’t as though he’d left Finn on the beach and forgot about him. But I couldn’t
say that. Plus, what did I know about raising a kid?
Dave didn’t come back out. I peered inside the cabin and he’d fallen asleep next to Finn in the tiny bed. I stuck with Marlon
and Kris, doing a few too many tequila shots. I fell asleep against the log, watching the last drunken stragglers get into
taxis. I woke up to Ben shaking my arm, Marlon and Kris now gone.
“Time for bed,” he said gently, helping me up.
He walked me to my cabin. It was four in the morning. I stopped him at the door. The drunk-girl-at-the-wedding part of me
wanted to invite him in, but the rational-human-with-a-heart part of me knew what was right and stepped in.
“Ben, I think you’re so handsome. And talented. And we are so good together. I have such a crush on you. I really like you.
But I’m in love with Dave.”
His face went still, and I held my breath. Then he offered a smile.
“I know.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Nothing beats love. Who am I to stand in the way of it, right?”
“Can we stay friends? I mean it.”
“Of course. You’re writing me a leading role, after all, right?”
“I would never back out of that promise.”
“Promise me we’ll be each other’s dates for the Oscars, whoever gets nominated first.”
“Promise.” I loved his ridiculous optimism; in some way I shared it, even though we were standing in a forest, two Canadians who wrote or starred in hokey Christmas romance movies.
We hugged. I felt relieved as he walked away. Then I called after him, running toward the car in my bare feet.
“Do you think I could take Okanagan back to the city where he can retire from the rambler life and be a neutered emotional-support
animal?”
“I don’t see why not. Neve figured out that the farm we thought he belonged to was just another stop on his wandering route.
He’s yours if he’ll have you.”
“Awesome,” I said. “Thanks for this incredible summer, Ben.”
“You’re welcome.”
I watched him drive away. The caterers were packing up the rentals. Crissy, Val, and Yasmine were the only ones left on the
dance-floor grass, going hard to “Born Slippy,” by Underworld, all somehow topless but wearing giant wigs. Katie and Sarah
had left in their vintage convertible with Just Married on the bumper over an hour before; the family members had left shortly after that. The DJ was dancing, too, so the song just
played on repeat. Val eventually started doing cartwheels, Yasmine a children’s gymnastics routine.
As I walked back to my cabin, my little haven, I noticed the light switch off at Dave’s. This was our last night side by side.
I gathered up Okanagan and got into bed. I wondered if Dave would miss me. I felt relief that at least I’d made a decision,
and been honest with Ben, Dave, and most importantly, myself. Even if I was going to lose Dave for the second time, I had
my integrity.