6. Gemma
6
Gemma
A s I replace the gas cap on my car, I release a huge breath. What am I doing? I have never been so reckless in my life. I want to turn around and go home. I want to go back to my careful plans. But I know I can’t. Not really. If I’m honest with myself, I know there is no turning back now. This tug isn’t going to leave me alone until my curiosity is satisfied.
So, I take another deep breath and double-check that my GPS is programmed correctly and try to familiarize myself with the route. Surely, this will be enough to distract me from the worry and panic that threaten to choke me now.
I pull out of the gas station and merge into the line of cars speeding down the highway. I find a good speed and reach over to turn some music on. I crank it loud and start singing at the top of my lungs determined to keep myself going.
Only a few miles in, my breathing has sped up and become shallow again. Every bit of bravery and resolution I had felt about this trip has completely abandoned me as I pull my car into a rest stop. “Breathe,” I whisper to myself. “Remember your breathing techniques.”
As I put all my focus on the inward and outward breaths, I dig in my bag for my tablet. With a light click, I remove my stylus and navigate to my digital journal as my counselor recommended.
I begin the familiar comfort of yet another stream-of-consciousness journal page. Through barely intelligible scribbles, I begin to write.
“Panic. Panic. Panic. Pretty Trees. Zooming Cars. Crazy. Am I? I need answers. I can do this. This is just a trip. This is not cementing my life in this new world. Life will be waiting when I get back. My parents will still love me when I get back. Tux will be waiting for scratches when I get back. Olivia will be ready to shop when I get back. School will be waiting when I get back. I can do this. This is the right choice. This is uncomfortable but not scary. I am brave, and I am smart, and I am not making the wrong choice. My boss will forgive me. Gavin will forgive me. I will be okay.”
I take a deep breath, but then my breath catches as I think of Gavin again. He had been so, so angry when I called to tell him that I was going on my trip. I tried to calm him down, but he just couldn’t understand why I would go off and leave him like that. He is the one who doesn’t want to make our relationship official, so I didn’t think he would be that angry. It isn’t like I am leaving for another guy.
I should have known better than to call him on a party night, though. I knew I would be taking him away from his friends and that he would have been drinking. I just didn’t know he would be that mean. He was so mean. My eyes began to brim with tears as I remember how he had screamed at me through the phone and told me he refused to have a girlfriend who would whore around in different states like he didn’t matter to her. I had screamed back that he did. How many times have I had to remind him that he is the one who insisted we keep it casual?
I wanted to rekindle what we had before and make our relationship official. Hell, I’d treat it as whatever it is. Even not being official, I have never once been unfaithful to Gavin. I have even stood up and taken his side when he was accused of things at parties that I wasn’t at. There are always stories of him hitting on other girls. Stories of him grabbing their ass or making out with them in a corner. I ignore them. I stand up for him. I just tell myself that I have no reason to be mad and that I can do the same if I want to. I have no real claim to him. Even if it goes against everything I feel.
If I want Gavin in my life, this is the way it has to be. I shrug to myself. It looks like he has called another shot and made another decision for the both of us. He told me he isn’t going to be in my life if I go on this trip. And I am going. So, Gavin is no longer anything to me. For now, at least. I know deep down that he always comes back around eventually. I just don’t know how long I’m willing to wait, this time.
Slowly, I begin to feel my pulse slow down. When I no longer feel like I am at risk of vomiting my heart out of my throat, I put my car back into drive and merge onto the highway again. I breathe the sigh of relief I always do after a wave of panic passes. I have to remember that this is just a short little trip. This is not derailing my plans for my future. This is simply helping me move forward by understanding where I came from.
Before I know it, I am crossing the state line and feeling excitement pool in my gut. This is it. The first huge step in discovering who I really am at my core. Now that the panic has subsided for the most part, I am excited to have all these questions answered and feel whole. It's like all these years, I didn’t even feel the gaping holes that were always there. I didn’t know what I was missing.
Now that I know, I can’t wait to be on the other side. The side of knowledge, power, and wholeness is waiting for me in this new state. I feel the thump, thump, thump of my heart rate starting to increase again, this time with excitement.
I pull into a parking spot at a sleepy little gas station. I can’t stifle the giggle that bubbles up when I realize how calm and steady this place seems in contrast to my excited nerves.
“Oh, my goodness! How cute are these?” I hear myself say out loud to no one as I look through magnets and souvenirs in the gas station. An older man near the checkout smiles at me. The smile touches his eyes, and the wrinkles look so comforting. I briefly wonder how much life is hiding in those eye crinkles.
“New here, sweetie?” He asks kindly.
“Yes sir,” I reply shyly at first. But after another look at his kind face, I find myself gushing out too much information like usual. “I’m traveling to find my biological family. I always thought I was whole but then realized I wasn’t and needed more in my life, so I can’t wait to fill all the holes!”
The man looks as if he wants to give me a hug. “Life is meant to be a story we write as we go. Without a little mystery, what would drive us forward? Don’t get so wrapped up in finding answers from others that you forget to find your own.” And with that, he turns to leave with another of those comforting, knowing smiles.
I stand stunned for a moment. I am truly perplexed by his comment. It wasn’t at all what I had been expecting. The door dings as a new customer enters the store, and I jump. It’s enough to snap me out of my daze. It's time to grab the snacks I came for and start this journey! I pick up a bag of chips and a soda and walk up to the checkout. I can’t help the goofy smile I know is plastered across my face.