25. Gemma
25
Gemma
I was sure that getting home and falling back into a normal schedule would help lift my spirits. But as the days tick by, I’m realizing it only seems to worsen things. The more I try to fall into my old routine and who I used to be, the more out of place I feel. I am like a puzzle piece that has been warped and no longer fits in its proper location. I no longer add to the bigger picture that is my family here. In fact, the more I try, the more warped and damaged I seem to become.
These days back at home have been so long and the nights are even longer. I try to keep my routine strict, especially my sleep schedule. I will never catch up if I don’t have the adequate sleep to power me through each day. But as exhausted as I am, I lay awake each night thinking about him . Some nights I spend mentally combing through each encounter I had in Sunflower Springs, trying to pinpoint where I went wrong. Other nights, I let the memories overtake me and I revel in each tiny detail. If the only piece of happiness I get to keep is in memory form, I plan to hold tight as long as I can. I just wish it didn’t destroy me all over again each time.
Each morning, I awake more tired than when I went to bed. I’m not sure how that is possible. But I’m also not sure I can fix it. Every day is just rinse and repeat at this point. Today is no different. After snoozing several alarms, I finally open my eyes and prepare to face the day. I drag myself out of bed and search the covers for my phone. I must have fallen asleep scrolling through photos again. When my screen lights up, I find my phone with a low battery warning covering part of Brooks’ face. I’ve stared at the photo so many times I’ve memorized it though. He was so happy and carefree that day in Harmony Falls. He was wearing the most beautiful smile I had ever seen, along with a goofy ass hat he had plucked off a shelf in the store we were in. I laugh at the memory and quickly swipe the tears off my cheeks. Damn it this is earlier than yesterday’s cry fest.
“Do better, Gemma,” I say to myself out loud, startling Tux.
I apologize to the disgruntled fur ball currently doing figure eights through my ankles and plod to the kitchen. Once I have food in his bowl and my coffee going, I sigh and start digging through the pile of clean laundry I didn’t have the energy to put away. I throw on the closest thing I can find to a matching outfit and start searching for my hairbrush. When I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, my shoulders droop. I look horrible. I have no desire to worry with a full face of makeup and even mascara would be pointless with the way my eyes look today. I grab a lip-gloss, slip into my shoes, and head out the door for my double shift.
I have been working as many hours as I can get scheduled to make up for being gone. Ironically, there have been plenty of extra hours to pick up since Cassie has been showing up late on the days she even bothers to come in. It seems as soon as I left, she picked up an interest in parties…and entertaining Gavin. I couldn’t even muster the energy to feel betrayed or hurt when I found out. After what I had with Brooks, Gavin could never be enough for me. I’m afraid no one will ever be enough for me again. I wrap my arms around myself instinctually as the customer service smile I have plastered on my face begins to fall. I put my shoulders back and get control of my features quickly, but my mind refuses to let go of the thought.
After a day of being lost in my thoughts, I find myself in a spiral after work. I sit in the parking lot with my car running convinced that Brooks will move on quickly and I will never love again. Everything about that feels wrong and I can’t let it happen. I have to stop him. I have to explain to him that I only want him. I don’t want my life here without him. I want a life with him; a life in Sunflower Springs. I’m crying again but I barely notice. I’ve already punched in the address to the ranch and I’m pulling out of the mall parking lot when sense punches me in the gut. I can hear his voice in my head clear as day telling me that it was never real.
“I was just entertainment to him. A meaningless piece of ass. I cannot go back there and ask for more humiliation by begging him to love me. I am better than that.” I choke out for the hundredth time since I crossed the Texas line a week ago. I still haven’t fully convinced myself, but the mantra is sobering enough for me to drive home and fall into bed. I don’t look at pictures tonight, I just let myself cry until sleep claims me.
Monday morning comes and I’m determined to get my shit together and stop crying over a guy. I’m failing assignments despite staying for office hours and tutoring when I can. Liv is coming over nightly to help me study. She’s been trying her hardest to pull me out of my funk but it’s no use. I feel like a deflated balloon, one that can’t hold shape even when new air is added. No matter how much I coach myself and no matter how many days I try to be positive and practice gratitude, it is always the same.
As much as I try to deny it, it all boils down to the fact that I have outgrown this life. I am from here sure. This place, this family, will always be the foundation upon which I am built. It will always be a part of me and me of it. But I am more now. I can’t keep trying to shrink myself back down to my starting size. It doesn’t make sense. It isn’t working and it is truly breaking me. It is as if when the shrinking didn’t work, I started to shatter into smaller pieces as if I could fit that way.
I know I belong in Sunflower Springs. But I also know that doesn’t make any sense. No one wants me there. Brooks made it abundantly clear that he doesn’t even want me anywhere near there. But I can’t stop this longing. I can’t stop this pull towards the town, the pull towards him.