CHAPTER 61
Olivia
I should’ve let Asher tell me about his past the first night he woke up in a cold sweat from a nightmare.
No grown man has nightmares like that unless he’s lived through something very, very bad. And instead of letting him, I brushed it off, my head in the clouds, believing his father was a businessman with some shady ties. I told him it didn’t matter. But I know now unequivocally that I was wrong.
The look in his uncle’s eyes told me I’m missing a lot of vital information about the father of my unborn child. Now I’m not backing down until he tells me everything.
“I wanted to tell you, that night …” he starts.
“But I stopped you.” I breathe out a sigh as he sits, placing his head in his hands.
“I used to be like him.” He sniffs in a breath, looking at me with so much sorrow in his steely eyes.
“I told you I couldn’t be the Prince Charming you wished for.
And that’s true, but not because I couldn’t give you what you need.
Because I was the villain,” he adds, his voice hoarse.
“I’ve hurt men, Olivia. I’ve watched my father kill men and stood by idly. ”
My breath catches and I adjust my position. My damn back is killing me.
“I don’t expect you to ever want to look at me again after I tell you this,” he says, defeated, sucking in a deep breath.
“My family name is Donovan, just like I told you. But … my father was James Ari Donovan. He was the head of our family before he died. In the world of organized crime, my family is known as the Northern Saints.”
My mouth falls open, because there aren’t many people who don’t know who they are. The organization is as notorious as the Hounds of Hell or the Capones. I guess I just never knew their leader’s name.
“Mafia,” I whisper what I had already assumed.
“Yes,” he answers firmly. “I’ve stolen, lied, cheated, beaten men within an inch of their life. All before the age of eighteen.”
Oh my God.
“I watched as my father hurt my mother, tortured her with other women, with his words. He was evil, and he raised me to be just like him.”
My spine tingles at what he’s telling me. But when I look at Asher, I don’t see the man he’s speaking of.
It all makes sense now why he never got close to anyone, was so closed off to real emotion, and never wanted to settle into anything real. How does a man who was raised on pure hate ever believe in love?
“My uncle had been trying to get in contact with me for months. I kept it to myself when I should’ve told you,” he says, his jaw almost popping in frustration.
“I knew my father was sick, and even though my uncle tried to get me to see him, I had no desire to. And I told him so, repeatedly. I thought he would go away, I thought all of this was just a last-ditch effort to bring me back into the family.”
“It wasn’t?” I ask.
“It was. But he also wanted something else.” Asher looks to the floor before moving his eyes up to mine. “When I left, my father disowned me. But it seems that, as he got sicker, he started looking back on his life.”
I swallow tears, imagining Asher choosing a different path. The path life had planned for him. The life his father had planned for him. I can’t imagine that man.
“Pete says, as he got closer to death, he would mutter regrets and apologies. He had me re-added to his will, Liv. He left me everything.”
“What is everything?” I ask, wanting to understand every detail of this world.
“His empire. All the businesses, nine million in liquid cash, his house in Scarsdale. Every last blood-tainted cent.”
I suck in a breath. “So you own all of it now?”
God, what does a man even do with all that money … that power? Where does that leave us—
“Fuck no,” he says simply as he shakes his head. “That’s why Pete was here. I just signed it all over to him.” His hand comes back cautiously over mine. “I think I’m … fuck, I’m finally … free.”
Asher stands, turning his body to face out the back window. His hands rest on his hips as he stares out into the dark nothingness of the snowy yard, and then the woods beyond.
“When I met you, I was drawn to you straight away. I felt protective of you and I didn’t know why. ” He turns to face me and I watch him, unable to move.
“I felt drawn to you too,” I admit.
“I know now it’s because you were the sun.
The light I was seeking to pull me from all the darkness of my past.” He chokes on his words a little.
“And you fucking did, Liv. You and little bear, you fucking saved me … You made me into the man I always wanted to be. The man I never thought I deserved to be. But you could’ve been hurt tonight, or worse.
All I did was lead the darkness right to you. ”
He moves closer and drops to his knees in front of me, placing his head in my lap and his arms around my waist.
“I’m so sorry,” he cries against my bulging stomach. “I’m so fuckin sorry, Liv. My baby … I’m so fuckin sorry. I should’ve told you everything. But no one’s ever loved me the way you do. Because I am my own man, not James Donovan’s son.”
His eyes are pained, but as he looks up at me, my hands move to stroke his hair. I’m not mad, I’m settled, knowing the whole truth about him. The horrors he suffered to get here. Whatever bad he came from, this man is good.
“I want you to know, everything else I’ve told you is the truth.
The moment I could leave that world, I did.
I hoped that part of me would die in New York.
I gave my uncle a contact in case of emergency.
He promised he’d never use it, but he had no choice.
My father’s businesses would be at a standstill if I didn’t sign all that paperwork.
For what it’s worth, we’ll never see him or anyone from my family again. ”
He kisses my belly one more time and I stand, needing to stretch out my aching back.
“How do you know?”
“ Bíonn ciúin ciontach, ” he says quietly and I realize those are the words inked into his forearm. My eyes drop there, and I skim my fingers over it. I noticed it the first night he took me home in his truck.
“The guilty are silent. It’s our most solemn vow. Pete’s word is his bond, and he’s promised me a code of silence that can’t be broken. He would die first.”
Asher wipes his eyes with the back of his hand as he stands, moving closer to place his hands on my shoulders.
“I can’t expect you to love me now, but I love you, Liv.
I love you and little bear so fucking much.
I’ll always take care of you both, every day, whether we’re together or not.
” I can see him breaking as he says the words.
“You’ll never want for anything. I promise you that.
And I’ll die before I let anything, or any one, hurt you.
But I won’t be him, and I won’t force you to stay if you don’t feel safe. ”
I watch as he backs up and moves to pick up his keys from the kitchen counter.
“Freeze, Reed.” I move closer to him. “You’re not going anywhere. Neither of us are.” I will not let this man suffer because of his past. Not when he has so much future to look forward to.
“I see the man you are shining through your father’s shadow.
” I place my hand on his bearded jaw. “The man who was dying to get out, who would become someone his own child would look up to.” My voice is croaky.
“You think I wouldn’t want you? That I would turn my back on you because of who your father is? ”
“I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”
I take a breath, trying to order my thoughts.
“I don’t remember my birth parents. I spent a long time grieving them and wondering who I was supposed to be.
But I grew up in the best home. I couldn’t have been more loved, felt safer or more supported than I did.
If my birth parents hadn’t died, who knows what life I would’ve lived?
I’ve spent my whole life planning for the unexpected, because I thought if I had a plan, then nothing could go wrong like that again.
But because I was constantly planning, trying to predict the future, I never felt settled in the present.
” I smile softly as this truth registers with me faster than I can say it.
I slide my hand down into his and revel in the safety of his touch.
“But had my parents lived, I never would’ve met Ginger, or CeCe, or the Ashbys, who are my family too.
I wouldn’t have this life. I wouldn’t love you.
” The lump in my throat threatens to break.
“What I’m trying to say, Ash, is that I finally feel settled with you.
I know now that I’m where I’m supposed to be. ”
He clears his throat and avoids my eyes, always trying to be strong.
“When I see you, all I see is Asher Reed. The man who escaped a life of abuse, sin, and evil. There’s no one left to hurt us now; we’re exactly where we’re supposed to be.
” My eyes bore into his. “There’s no guilt here, no shame, and I choose you.
I love you just like I did yesterday. And now we can finally feel peace, right here at the base of this mountain.
” I point outside. “Just like your mama wanted.”
It’s at those words that Asher loses his fight to hold back the tears. His hands come up to cradle my face, and he’s so damn beautiful I almost lose my breath. I love every piece of this man’s tormented, loving soul.
“I fucking love you so much, Livi girl,” he husks out.
“You and me,” I say, just as he’s said to me so many times before. A swift kick between us has both of us looking down at my belly. “See.”
His arms are back around me in a blur and his face is buried in my hair. Another kick between us has him chuckling.
“I hear you, little bear, loud and clear.”
Dick jumps off of the sofa and moves to nuzzle into my leg. And it’s at that precise moment that I feel a slow trickle down the inside of my thigh before a little pool of liquid lands at my feet on the hardwood floor.