Chapter Twenty
Morgan
I sat in the corner of the Bourbon Bar, holding one of my goddaughters. Which one it was, I couldn’t tell you; they all looked the same to me. Except for their eyes, which at less than three months old, we didn’t see often, because sleep was still mostly what they did.
Looking around the room, I noticed Thore had another baby strapped to his chest, while Donut was sitting next to the stroller where the third baby slept peacefully.
Meanwhile, their parents were upstairs making up for the weeks they’d missed out on while Devlyn was healing. I swear Gator was on a mission to knock up my best friend again.
I’d been in New Orleans for a month, and nothing had happened. No one was stalking me; no one had made an attempt on my life. No one even cared that I was here.
Except for Rian.
He was one of my father’s men, and he was wonderful. He went with me everywhere, never leaving me alone. But it wasn’t suffocating like I thought it would be. He knew how to stay out of sight for the most part, but he also knew exactly when to be by my side.
Rian had made it clear, not in a creepy way, that he was attracted to me. From the moment I met him, I’d noticed the way he looked at me. Devlyn encouraged me to take the step, to see what could happen.
Unfortunately, my heart was still stuck on the asshole who walked away. Twice!
I stared at the little angel in my arms.
“Don’t ever let a man worm his way into your heart.”
“I take offence at your choice of phrase, Miss Delany.”
I smiled up at Worm. “Just trying to protect my goddaughter from heartache, Worm. It’s not my fault your road name is an insect that wiggles its way into places it doesn’t belong.”
“Ah, but see, the dirt is where worms belong. It’s their natural habitat. Our ecosystem depends on them.”
“And does the Bourbon Kings’ ecosystem depend on you?”
He smiled warmly. “Very much so.” He leaned over and lowered his voice. “None of them would be alive if I weren’t here to reel them back in.”
I chuckled, and the baby startled in my arms. Her eyes opened wide, and I realized who I was holding: the oldest of the pod, as Dev fondly called them.
She had Devlyn’s eyes, but there was a sparkle there that was different. You could already see a little of her crazy father in them. I smiled at her and then looked in the direction of the other two.
Maybe New Orleans wasn’t so bad. Maybe I could make a life here. The chances of me having a baby of my own were small, but here I could help Devlyn and Gator raise their babies.
The sound of boots stomping down the stairs filled the room, and we all looked toward the back entrance as my best friend and her husband walked in.
“What?” she asked, her hands on her hips. I smiled and looked down at the baby.
“Your mama thinks we don’t know what they were doing upstairs. But we’re not stupid. And she’s not quiet.”
“Morgan Delany, do not corrupt my children,” Devlyn said, walking toward me.
I put my tongue between my teeth and blew a raspberry at her. The sound of her laughter filled a crack in my heart.
I’d missed her so much.
“Where is Loverboy?” Devlyn asked, and I rolled my eyes at her.
“Would you stop? I told him I wasn’t going out today so he’s outside watching the street.”
“The best way to get over a man—”
I held my hand up to stop her. “It didn’t work with Gunner; it’s not going to work with Rian. Besides, he’s one of my father’s men. His loyalty would never be to me.”
“You’re never going to let him go, are you?” she asked, a sad smile on her face.
“Would you let Gator go?” I asked. “If you lost him the way I lost Jude, would you be able to move on?”
“We haven’t even been together a year,” she argued.
“And Jude and I were together less,” I reminded her. “But he’s it, Dev. As much as I wish I could move on, he’s the only man I want.”
“Then maybe try a woman,” Donut interjected as he pushed the stroller over to where we were sitting.
I barked out a laugh. “Not for me, Donut. I like dick.”
“Why not both?” he said, waggling his eyebrows up and down.
I shook my head as I lifted the baby to my shoulder and pressed my nose against her hair and inhaled. Holding her was bittersweet. I was so happy for my friend and the family she had created, but even now, seven years later, I still longed for my son. I’d never forget the day we found out.
Seven years ago...
This couldn’t be right.
I stared at the date on the calendar.
How did I miss it?
We were careful.
We never made a mistake.
“Morgan? Where are you, babe?”
I turned at Jude’s voice. I looked up at him, my eyes wide, my hands shaking as I tried not to panic.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” Jude asked, kneeling in front of me.
“I’m late.”
His shoulders slumped and he sat back on his feet. “Late for what? Is it something you can reschedule? I know it sucks when you forget an appointment, but the way you just looked, baby, had me scared out of my mind.”
“No, Jude. I’m late,” I said again, emphasizing the word late.
It took him a moment before he understood what I was saying.
“H-how late?” he asked, his voice shaking the way my hands were.
“A week.” I looked at the calendar again. “I’m never late, Jude. I take care of my body; I don’t let food or stress interfere with my hormones.”
He looked at me as if I were speaking another language.
“Never mind. The point is, I’m late.”
“But we always wrapped up. Always,” he enunciated.
“Yes, but condoms are only 97% effective.”
“What the fuck did you just say? They don’t fucking work?”
Now he was pacing the room. His hands on his head as he turned to stare at me.
“Nothing is foolproof, Jude; you must know that.”
“No, I didn’t fucking know that.” I tried not to smile at the way he was freaking out. Hell, I was freaking out, too.
“I need to take a test.”
Without a word, Jude ran from the apartment. He was gone an hour before he finally returned with a brown paper bag.
“Here,” he said, shoving the bag at me.
“It’s more accurate first thing in the morning.”
“So we have to wait all fucking night?” I nodded as I bit my lip. “It’s going to be a long fucking night.”
We spent the night talking about our options. I let him know I didn’t believe in abortion, but if he wasn’t ready to be a father, I would be okay on my own.
I had an entire town back home that would give me all the support I needed. Not to mention my parents. Neither of them would bat an eye at their daughter having a baby without being married. They’d never got married either.
I dozed off in Jude’s arms as the sun was rising. Nothing had been settled. Neither of us were willing to voice our truth until we knew for sure.
But I knew.
I’d known the moment I realized what day it was. Something inside me cracked open. Fear and apprehension were the first emotions. But then something bigger settled over me.
Something maternal.
I’d always wanted children; I just thought like every other girl, I would be married first. But I wasn’t the first woman to find herself pregnant and single, and I wouldn’t be the last.
I’d learned to roll with the punches. To live the life I wanted, not the one that was given to me.
I woke up to Jude watching me.
“Have you slept at all?”
He shook his head. “No. Too much shit in my head.”
“Well, let’s find out if that shit is warranted,” I said, climbing out of the bed and grabbing the bag on the nightstand. Jude followed me into the bathroom, and I stared at him. “What are you doing?”
“I want to be here when you find out.”
“And you can. But you will not be here while I take the test.”
I pushed him from the room and locked the door. When I was done, I set the test on the counter and washed my hands. I placed my hand on the lock, but before I let him in, I whispered, “You can do this, Morgan.”
Jude came in and sat on the edge of the tub, pulling me down onto his lap. He held me tightly in his arms as if he were afraid I’d run. I had nowhere to run. If I were pregnant, anywhere I ran, the baby would follow.
I wrapped my arms around his neck, holding him against me. If he only knew we feared the same thing.
When the timer on my phone went off, we both stood. We stared at the stick, and right then I knew this was a day I would never forget.
“Morgan?” Dev said. “Are you okay? Your face is pale.”
I stared at my best friend. “What is today?”
“Wednesday,” she answered.
“No, the date. What is the date?” I asked frantically, panic rising in my chest, but at the same time pressing down and making it hard to breathe.
“Um, the 15th I think.”
My hand flew to my mouth. “Oh God. No. This can’t be happening,” I cried.
I quickly handed the baby to Devlyn and rushed up the stairs. A few minutes later she was walking into the bathroom as I dug through the cabinets.
“Morgan, what’s going on?”
I stared up at her from my place on the floor as I dug under the sink. “Please tell me you have a test.”
“A test for what?” she asked, then her mouth fell open. “Oh, a test.” Her eyes widened and she fell to her knees beside me. “You need a test?”
Tears filled my eyes as I nodded.
“Okay, come with me.”
She pulled me up off the floor and walked to her room. In the closet, behind a stack of shoe boxes, Devlyn pulled out a bag.
“I keep these hidden because Gator will freak out if he thinks I’m pregnant again.”
I didn’t say a word; I couldn’t. My voice was blocked from the giant lump that had lodged itself in my throat. I couldn’t be pregnant. The odds were so small.
But the odds of losing another child were higher.
I couldn’t lose another baby. I wouldn’t survive it again. I barely survived the first time.
“How late are you?”
“Almost a week.”
Devlyn looked at me, her eyes shining, and I knew what she was thinking. I shook my head. “I can’t, Dev. I won’t survive again.”
“It won’t happen again.”
“You don’t know that,” I cried. “I’m high risk now. The chances of it happening again are higher than the first time.”
“Let’s not worry until we know if there is something to worry about.”
Devlyn pulled me into the bathroom and handed me the test. I stared at the stick in my hand.
I’d been here before.
Last time I was na?ve. I’d known what the test would say, just like I knew now would it what say. Last time Jude stood here with me, waiting to see how our lives would change.
We were so stupid. He asked me to marry him, and I did. We thought everything would work out for the better. Only, I’d lost everything.
“I’m scared.”
“I know. I was too. And I know I didn’t go through what you did, but I’m here for you. Just like you were for me.”
I took a deep breath and nodded.
I peed on the stick, and Devlyn put her arm around my shoulders as we stared at it, watching the ink as it passed through the window. Watching as the two pink lines appeared.
I was pregnant.
Again.