Chapter 15
Zharina
We returned home a little after nightfall.
A part of me regretted that Gavin technically no longer needed any additional healing from me.
Going forward, any additional muscle mass he gained had to be earned the hard way.
I could still pretend that he needed more as an excuse to grope my man. But excuses were no longer needed.
I felt hot and cold just thinking about intimacy with him. Yes, he was frighteningly massive. But he once again proved just how safe and gentle he always was with me. Even at the height of passion, I never felt scared or in potential danger. My soulmate truly was perfection.
And that once more brought up the topic of our living arrangements.
I didn’t want to sleep in my bedroom while he slept downstairs in the suite.
I also didn’t want him to be sent back to the barracks now that he no longer needed my care.
Our departure to Dantor in the morning would delay us having to address this matter.
Although I doubted my parents would object to us sharing the suite until we made more permanent living arrangements.
That didn’t make it less of an awkward conversation to have.
I raced up the stairs to my room so that I could pack for our impending journey. As I walked down the hallway, a familiar sense of unease caught me as soon as I walked past Vahl’s room. I backtracked and gently knocked on the door.
“Come in,” his muffled voice said through the closed door.
I complied and found him standing by the window looking out onto the garden. He gave me a sideways glance, and a silent communication passed between us. My chest constricted at the pain it conveyed. He averted his eyes, ashamed that he couldn’t keep those feelings from me.
I gently closed the door behind me and quietly approached. He turned his back to me and rested his palms on the windowsill for support as he stared outside. By the Goddess, I hated seeing him like this.
I slipped my arms around Vahl and hugged him from behind, my palms resting on his chest.
“Talk to me, Vahl,” I said softly.
He placed his hand on the back of my hand and further pressed it against his heart. He sighed heavily and leaned back against me.
“I don’t know what I’m doing, Zha,” he said in a tired voice. “I’m not ready for this.”
I tightened my embrace and gently kissed the back of his head.
“Can anyone ever be?” I challenged in a gentle voice. “Fate chose you because you have what it takes. We all believe in you. And we’re here for you. I know this feels like an impossible task, but you’re not alone. We’ll figure it out together.”
“But my own army?” he countered, glancing at me over his shoulder. “We need ships, uniforms, equipment, weapons, logistics, healers, credits—”
“Vahl, stop!” I interrupted sternly when he seemed ready to keep going. “Yes, you’re going to need all of that. Yes, it is your army. But it’s also an unofficial sister division of the Tuureans. Do you really think our people would set you up to fail?”
I pulled away and forced him to turn to face me. He did so, although the same shame and vulnerability lingered on his face. It physically hurt me to see him like this and whipped every single one of my protective instincts into high gear.
“Veredia and Sarenia will fund your army,” I said forcefully.
“There’s no question in my mind that Korlethea, Xelix Prime, and Braxia will do so as well.
They wouldn’t just dump this responsibility on your shoulders without having planned for the resources you require.
Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if Dantor also decided to contribute.
After all, they are merchants, not warriors. ”
To my shock, that last comment seemed to anger him.
“What do they even want with Gavin? And our fucking Oracles won’t see anything at all as to why we’re heading there and what might happen,” he snarled.
“If they’re not saying anything, it’s because there are good reasons,” I said in a soothing tone.
“Fuck their reasons!” he snapped.
I gave him a stern look. “Calm down, Vahl. You’re letting your emotions get the better of you.”
Even as I spoke those words, I touched his forearm and sent some of the appeasing waves of my kaa through him. His anger immediately faded only to be replaced by a distraught expression that broke my heart.
“I’m scared, Zha,” he admitted in a broken voice that shocked me.
I’d never seen my brother this vulnerable. Mind reeling, I drew him into my embrace, and he returned it with bruising strength, clinging to me like a drowning man. I caressed his hair, words failing me as I tried to reassure him.
A sudden knock on the door startled me. As if caught doing something he shouldn’t, Vahl abruptly released me, took a step back, and slapped his legendary mask of stoicism on his face.
Although I understood his pride and need to display strength, repressing his emotions like this wasn’t healthy.
It would only lead to greater problems down the road.
“Come in,” Vahl called out.
To my shock, it was Gavin who opened the door.
“Sorry to bother you. I was looking for Zhara,” Gavin said in a hesitant tone, his eyes flicking between us with a mix of suspicion and concern. “Is everything okay?”
“Yes. We were just talking,” Vahl said nonchalantly.
“Alright,” Gavin replied, clearly unconvinced.
He appeared to want to insist further, then changed his mind.
“I will leave you to it then. Poke me when you’re done,” he added for me.
“Will do,” I replied, my face feeling stiff as I smiled.
He nodded at each of us then turned to leave. Just as he reached for the door handle, Gavin paused, released it, then turned back to stare intensely at my brother.
“Something wrong?” Vahl asked.
“I know that look,” Gavin said.
My twin and I both blinked, confused by that cryptic comment.
“Excuse me?” Vahl said when Gavin didn’t elaborate.
“You have the same look that Keran used to have before becoming the Magnar,” Gavin explained. “He didn’t think he could live up to his father.”
Vahl bared his teeth, his fangs descending ever so slightly as he glared at my mate.
“Were you eavesdropping?” he asked in a dangerously low voice.
“No,” Gavin replied, unfazed by my brother’s flaring temper. “I simply know that look, and I could feel the tension the moment I entered the room. And I can tell you that you are good enough.”
“Pfft,” Vahl replied with a disdainful gesture.
“You are,” Gavin insisted forcefully.
“So good I couldn’t even save my own twin sister or my crew,” he replied with a disgusted expression. “And people expect me to save the fucking galaxy?!”
I recoiled, shocked that he would have such thoughts. Granted, I knew he hated not to have been simply able to yank me out of the pit with his biokinetic powers. But I hadn’t realized that he considered himself a failure over what happened during that mission. How had I been so blind?
You’d been too focused on healing your mate and working on your relationship.
That hit hard. I always promised myself that I wouldn’t become one of those females who suddenly forget all their friends and relatives the moment they had a boyfriend.
And yet, I had done just that. Sure, I could claim some extenuating circumstances.
But I should have been more attuned to my brother’s needs and mental state.
“What are you talking about?” Gavin asked as if Vahl had said something silly. “You did save her.”
It was Vahl’s turn to look at my mate as if he’d fallen on his head.
“I was helpless and pathetic,” Vahl argued. “She was already hurt, and my dumb idea made her fall and crack her ribs on top of the Goddess knows how many other injuries!”
“You weren’t helpless and pathetic!” I exclaimed, flabbergasted. “You tried something. Fine, it failed. But I also believed it would work. At least, you didn’t sit idle. There’s no such thing as always succeeding on the first try.”
“And in the end, you did save us all,” Gavin chimed in.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Vahl asked, baffled. “You saved us!”
“No, Vahl. You did,” he replied calmly. “You’re not going to save the galaxy alone. It will be a team effort, just like on the mission.”
He smiled when my twin’s confusion seemed to deepen.
“I watched the body cam footage from that event,” Gavin explained.
“Zhara got herself to the safe pile of rocks close to you. I got her half the way up the pit. You got us the rest of the way. You learned from that first attempt and extended the chain with material that actually wouldn’t melt or snap under our weight.
We never would have made it out without you. ”
Vahl shifted on his feet, his brow creased as he intently listened.
I could see his wheels spinning, trying to find an argument that would sustain his own thoughts that he had not been up to the task.
As much as it upset me, it was how his brain worked.
Failing to find such an argument would be what rebuilt his confidence.
“You kept your team calm and organized,” Gavin continued.
“It was you who ordered them to build that chain and to start moving the debris that blocked our way out. Without the work they had already done to open the path, I couldn’t have helped lift the debris on our end so that you could all crawl out.
Without you dragging me to the other side, I wouldn’t have had a body for your sister to resuscitate me.
You were the glue that kept everyone going. ”
My brother swallowed hard, the first crack showing as the words started sinking in. In that instant, I could have kissed Gavin till he passed out. He had found the words that failed me to get through to my brother.