Aidan
“So, how did it go?” Xander remarks after I collapse on our couch. My eight-pound Pomeranian-Chihuahua mix, Lloyd, jumps into my lap and licks my face. “Are you Charlotte’s boyfriend now?”
Letting out a groan, I reply, “No. She hates me.” I pull my dog away. “Eww, Lloyd!” Sitting up, I peer down at him in my lap as he spins a few times before plopping down his small furry frame. He gazes back up at me with adoring brown eyes. Sniffing, I ask, “What did you eat, man?”
“Deer shit,” Xander says.
I look him up and down. “Why did you let him eat deer shit?” Cursing, I say, “He’s going to barf it up tonight.
” My gaze travels to Xander and I blink.
He’s wearing only his boxers. Letting out a sigh, I shake my head and try to ignore my almost naked roommate.
He’s always hot, and his solution to that is to wear less clothes.
“I heated up the leftover penne ala vodka. There’s more if you want some.
” He jerks his head toward the kitchen at the back of the house and shovels pasta into his mouth while watching a bald Youtuber play Slay the Spire on our TV.
Gromit the Lab sits on the couch next to him. Slobber drips out of his mouth.
I shake my head. “I don’t think I could eat after my horrible performance. Charlotte hates me.”
“Did she say that?” He sets the bowl on the coffee table.
I press my lips together. “She didn’t have to.” I lean back into the cushions. “I tried. I really tried. I went into English teacher mode.”
Xander mouth gapes and he lets out a mock gasp.
“You didn’t start talking about literature, to a bookstore owner!
?” He nudges me. “It couldn’t have been that bad.
Did you start reciting Shakespeare?” Gromit starts licking at the bowl.
“Hey man! That’s mine!” Xander pulls the bowl away.
The dog looks up at him with Oscar winning eyes.
Chuckling, I reply, “I talked about how we study certain literature because they were popular, and not because they’re good. And in the future, scholars will think Harry Potter was groundbreaking. When in reality they’re—”
He holds up a hand. “I’ve heard this before. So, you showed off your nerdy side. Big deal. Charlotte is a nerd too. She probably liked English teacher mode.”
I take my glasses off my and rub the bridge of my nose. “I bet that right now she’s texting everyone she knows about how much a silly platypus I am.”
His brows furrow. “Hey don’t say that. My friend is a silly platypus and I don’t like you talking about him like that.”
Pushing my glasses up my nose, I reply, “Both.”
Xander and I didn’t expect to become friends when I answered his Craigslist ad looking for a roommate.
For the first week, we would retreat into our separate rooms and do our own hobbies.
We would acknowledge each other, but it wasn’t until Xander barged into my room when I rage quit Stardew Valley, after losing two prismatic shards in the Skull Cavern, that the ice between us thawed.
I thought that he only played first person shooter games like Call of Duty, and he thought that I only read books.
With common ground found, our friendship formed.
The video ends and the next one in the queue begins, a video of the same Youtuber, now playing Baaltro.
Xander shakes his head. “Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Charlotte didn’t get the ick from your nerdiness, and she’s probably dreaming about you right now.”
I shrug. “Why would she dream about me? I’m awkward as fuck, and I can’t say two words to her without going into some literary lecture.” I rub my hand over my face. “I’m going to fuck this up.”
Xander drops his bowl onto the coffee table with a clatter, startling both dogs.
“No! You are not going to fuck this up.” He shakes his head.
Gromit starts licking the bowl, and Xander pulls it up before moving to the side.
“Well, I’m glad you liked that. Please don’t barf tonight.
” He pushes his glasses farther up his nose.
I look down at the sleeping little dog in my lap.
I wonder what he’d think of Thelma, I think to myself. Or more like, what would she think of him? Does Charlotte like dogs?
“Will you help me ask her out?” I ask as Xander takes a draft of water.
He chokes on it.
“You alright there?” I slap his back.
He coughs out. “Yeah. I just didn’t expect you to ask for my help. I’m not super popular with women or anything.”
“You’ve had one girlfriend since I’ve known you.”
He gestures for me to go on. “That was a situationship.”
“I’ve been in a multi-year dry spell. I’m an introvert with social anxiety.”
He buries his head in his hands. “How did your last relationship go?”
I blink, remembering a kind woman, with brown eyes and long brown hair, with fondness.
“Her name was Ashley,” I say wistfully. “We started dating my first year at Canterbury High. She taught US history. She asked me out. I said yes. We dated for two years before she decided to move back home to LA because her mom got sick.”
“You’ve had a girlfriend for two years, and you can’t approach Charlotte?”
I raise a finger. “Ashley asked me out. I’ve never actually initiated a relationship.
” Memories flash in my mind. “My first girlfriend, Emma, asked me out by writing me a poem. We broke up when we went to different schools. My college boyfriend, Logan, planned a whole flash mob to ask me out. He broke up with me because he moved to New York.” I shrug.
“Well, flash mobs are fucking stupid.” He rubs his eyeball, wincing. “You’ve never asked anyone out? What about dating apps?”
Shaking my head, I reply, “I don’t like the lack of human connection.”
Xander ponders my words and leans back against the couch, the cushions hissing from the weight of his torso. “Ok, what do you like about her?”
I press my lips together, letting the moments replay in my mind.
“We have similar interests in books.” I clench my jaw, thinking more.
“I really like her passion. She cares about her town and her business. She’s intelligent.
” A grin spreads across my face. “She’s pretty.
” The smile dies as I remember our conversation.
“She was weirded out by me, I’m sure of it. ”
He nods. “Charlotte will you if she is weirded out.”
“Really?” I ask, tilting my head like Lloyd does when he hears a weird sound.
“Yup. She always tells me when I fuck up. She’s like my little sister.” He frowns. “Because of I’m here de facto older brother, I’m obligated to tell you that if you break her heart, I will kick your ass.”
“As expected.” I nod. “Why haven’t you invited her or Nicole over?”
He shrugs. “Because that means cleaning the house. Ain’t nobody got time for that.” He motions to the floor and a stray tuft of hair.
I lift a shoulder. “Fair enough.” I shift my body to face him. “Are you gonna help me talk to Charlotte? Please.”
Xander studies me for a moment. He sucks on his teeth and swivels his head, like he’s taking great pains to deliberate over whether or not he’s going to take me on as his pupil.
“Will you help me?” I plead.
He peers at me. “Alright, if you make me your best man at the wedding. I look good in a suit, and I do need a new profile pic for work,” he says with a grin.
“You can be a groomsman. Lloyd is going to be my best man.” I hold up my dog in front of me like he’s Simba from The Lion King.
Shaking his head, Xander smiles. “I will concede to him., but only him. He’d look so adorable in a tux.” He claps his hands together and rubs them. “You’re seeing her tomorrow, right?”
“We’re meeting at Triple C to write the petition.”
“Excellent progress already, young grasshopper. What are you ordering?”
“Maple cinnamon latte with bacon, egg, and cheese on an asiago bagel.”
His face falls. “You get that every single time.” He strokes his beard before pointing at me. “Order something different. You need to get out of your comfort zone and try something new. Get what she’s ordering.”
“But what if she orders…” My voice trails off and I shiver. “Decaf.”
He shivers. “Get the caffeine version, but it better be different. The more comfortable you feel with the uncomfortable, the better it’ll be when you do ask her out.
” Xander stands up. “Maybe the forced proximity thing will help with the talking thing. It worked for us. You barely said a word when you moved in, and now we actually have full conversations.” He rests his hand on my shoulder. “I’m really proud of you.”
“Asshole,” I snap.
“See, you used to run off to your room and hide.” He chuckles. “Now, you call me an asshole. Progress!”
“I suppose.”
“You just need to believe.” He chuckles. “Now, if only I could get you to come to the gym with me. You look like a discarded chicken leg.”
“I don’t like gyms. They’re too noisy and too crowded.” I gesture to my body, which is on the leaner side. I’m not skinny, but I’m also not muscular. “I like how I look.”
Xander sits back on the couch and crosses his arms. “Fine. Now, when you see Charlotte tomorrow, what are you going to say?”
“‘Hi, how are you?’”
He nods. “Good. She responds, ‘I’m fine, thanks. How are you?’” He holds out his hand, gesturing for me to answer.
“‘Nauseous. I want to throw up,’” I reply with an impish grin.
He groans. “Don’t mention your digestive trauma. You say, ‘I’m doing great.’ What do you do next?”
I think for a few seconds. “I don’t know. Wait for her to say something?”
“Why not ask her something about herself? What did you guys talk about earlier?”
“Books and, fuck, I should’ve asked her about what books she likes to read.” I bury my head in my hands. “I really fucked this up, didn’t I?”
He shrugs. “She’s still going to see you tomorrow, right?”
“Uh… well… yes.”
Xander claps his hand onto my shoulder. “You didn’t fuck it up. I told you, if she didn’t want to see you, she would’ve told you to fuck off. I’ve seen her do it many times. She likes you.”
My interest piques. “You’re lying.”
“I’m not. She asked you to spend time with her. She did the flippy thing with her hair and everything. I have a feeling she likes you. You just need to close the deal.”
I sit up a bit straighter, setting my shoulders back and down. I feel a little bit stronger. Nodding with determination while simultaneously swallowing down the bile gurgling in my stomach, I say to my grinning roommate, “I’ve got this.”